is conflict resolution the same as problem solving

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13 Conflict Resolution and Problem Solving

Chapter 13 Check-in:

• Identify Conflict Causes and Effects
• Explore Conflict Approaches Solutions
• Basic Problem Solving Strategy PDCA

Like all communication, good conflict management and resolution requires your time: listen, reflect, and consider all elements of a situation and the people involved.  It is not a simple process and there are some steps to help you navigate the process.  In the end, it is about the relationship.

Frequently considered a negative, conflict can actually be an opportunity for growth in relationship or work.  Your attitude towards the situation and person plays a role in any outcome.  Adam Grant, Professor of Psychology at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania and Saul P. Steinberg Professor of Management, notes that “The absence of conflict is not harmony, it’s apathy.  If you are in a group where people never disagree, the only way that could ever really happen is if the people don’t care enough to speak their minds.” (Grant, February 2021).

However, it is easy to feel at a loss in an immediate conflict situation.  Here are some brief points to consider when faced with more than just a disagreement.

Conflict is emotional: it is much greater than a difference of opinions.  It is usually an expression of not being heard, seen, valued or respected.   It is based on a deeply person need and emotional response, based on perceptions which have identified a threat in any form.  If conflict is ignored, it can fester and result in such entrenched opinions and sides that resolution appears impossible (Segal et al, 2020).

The first step is to determine what the actual problem is as perceived by all parties.  The Conflict Tree analogy is especially useful if you respond well to visuals (O’Connor, 2020).  It is an excellent activity for a group or individual to clarify the effects (branches), core problems (trunk), and even causes of the issue (roots).

Once the actual problem is identified, you can move on to tackling a resolution together.

Approaches to Conflict

There are generally five styles for approaching conflict (Benoliel, 2017) and understanding what they are and what style you lean towards, identifies how you will move through the process.  These categories are determined by whether the focus is on the relationship or the end goal of a task/project.  While these may be more specific to workplace conflicts, they certainly identify personal conflict responses as well.

Collaboration is marked by a balanced focus on the relationship with others and meeting long-term objectives.  A Competition style is marked by individuals who are assertive and probably uncooperative who demonstrate that their priority is the outcome of the project more than the relationships.  Although few people enjoy conflict, the Avoidance style focuses on the the immediate unpleasantness and therefore avoids the issues.  This traditionally marks individuals who are unassertive and uncooperative largely because they assume it is safer to ignore than face an issue.  Sometimes there are individuals who will do anything to please others: this Accommodation approach results in self-sacrifice and is usually the route taken by those who care more about the relationship than the outcome.  Unfortunately, they are frequently taken advantage of in their efforts to please others.  Lastly, there are those who prefer the Compromise strategy. This may seem expedient in the attempt to resolve the problem by aiming for mutually acceptable terms and concessions, it does frequently leaves no one side satisfied even though it allows most to maintain an assertive and cooperative stance.

Strategies for Solutions

Sometimes those involved in conflict turn to an third person for assistance to resolve a conflict.  A mediator can listen to the perspectives of those in the dispute and focuses on helping each side hear the concerns and priorities of the other.  Working with the individuals in conflict, a mediator aims to help them create a solution acceptable to both sides.  Sometimes the third party is an Arbitrator whose role is to hear each side and provide a decision to resolve the dispute.  In some cases the conflict results in the even more formal process of a trial.

There are four key skills you need to approach conflict resolution with or without a third party involved (Segal et al, 2020; Fighting Fair, n.d.).

Conflict can be a very stressful experience and your Stress Management is an essential first step.  When we are stressed, we can’t think clearly, we can’t understand someone else’s thoughts or feelings, and it makes communication very difficult.  Use whatever method works best for you to manage your stress.

Once your stress is managed, it is easier to exert Control over your Emotions.  Recognize the emotions you are experiencing to assist in your processing the experience without having a purely emotional response.

With your stress and emotions recognized and managed, it makes it easier to recognize and pay attention to the feelings you and the other people express  and you can Identify Non-Verbal Communication.   Much is said without words and body language is a good indication of how the other person feels towards the situation.

Respect each other is standard for every communication situation and essential to remember if you are in a position of conflict.  Personal attacks, or drawing on personal knowledge, has no productive part in conflict resolution.

Many resources may explain the benefits of humour, but caution should be used.  Sometimes an emotional situation is not the best time for humour as you can unintentionally be seen to diminish the importance another person places on the experience.

Work together to identify the problem by taking the time to see it from multiple perspectives.  Be clear about the desired results and end goal.  Think about the relationships and long term impacts that any course of action may have on all parties.  It takes commitment to resolve a conflict.

Problem Solving

We covered Reflection and Feedback in Chapter 12 and these are essential steps for effective conflict resolution and problem solving. Even the Trial and Error process of problem solving relies on evaluating the success of an action before moving on to another attempt.

Many different approaches to problem solving exist though the basic core approach can be seen across geographic and language borders.  The PDCA approach – Plan, Do, Check, Act – provides the basic four steps process that can be expanded to suit any profession or experience (Plan, Do, Check, Act, 2021).

Problem solving starts with a clear identification of problem.  Then you need to clarify the desired end result.  The development of a plan can be as short or as long as necessary.  Once you have a plan, you have to implement it: Do.  Check is your opportunity to evaluate the success of your plan and make any amendments necessary.  Finally, Act: put your strategy into practice.  An important point to remember is that the reflection and evaluation should be an ongoing part of the solution you implement.

Chapter 13 Check-out:

• Explore Conflict Approaches and Solutions

Remember your last conflict with another person.  How was it resolved?  How would you like it to have been resolved?  What could you have done to implement that change in result?

How do you usually approach problem solving?  How successful has it been for you? 

What, if anything, would you like to change about how you’ve problem solved in the past?

Resources and References

Benoliel, B. (2017). Five styles of conflict resolution.  Walden University.  [Online]  https://www.waldenu.edu/news-and-events/walden-news/2017/0530-whats-your-conflict-management-style

Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflict. (n.d.).  Counselling and Mental Health Centre. University of Texas at Austin. [Online] https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html

Goleman, D. (April 2012). Daniel Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence .  Big Think. [Online] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Grant, A., (February 2021). The Easiest Person to Fool .  The Hidden Brain. NPR Podcast. [Online] https://hidden-brain.simplecast.com/episodes/the-easiest-person-to-fool-f1hbMrGr

Grant, A., (April 2021). The Science of Productive Conflict . TED Podcast. [Online] https://www.ted.com/podcasts/worklife/the-science-of-productive-conflict-transcript

O’Connor, T., (October 2020). 3 Simple Conflict Analysis Tools That Anyone Can Use. [Online] https://medium.com/p/c30689757a0d

Plan Do Check Act: A Simple Problem Solving Methodology. (2021).  Educational-Business-Articles.com [Online] https://www.educational-business-articles.com/plan-do-check-act/

Segal, J., Robinson, L., and Smith, M. (2020). Conflict Resolution Skills. Helpguide.org. [Online] https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm

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Conflict Management and Conflict Resolution—When to Use Each One in Your Relationship

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

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Although they might sound like the same thing, conflict management and conflict resolution are in fact two different approaches to tackling conflicts in a relationship .

Conflict management is an ongoing process that addresses persistent issues that crop up repeatedly in the relationship; whereas, conflict resolution addresses the issue and provides closure once and for all, says Clarissa Silva , a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method.’

Both conflict management and conflict resolution are forms of interpersonal communication that are important to maintain healthy relationships, Silva adds.

In this article, we explore the differences between conflict management and conflict resolution, and when you should use each of these strategies in your relationship.

Conflict Management vs. Conflict Resolution

Let’s take a closer look at the differences between conflict management and conflict resolution.

Conflict Management

Conflict management is the ongoing process of addressing and handling chronic issues in a relationship. It aims to minimize the negative impact of the conflict and maintain a functional relationship.

Chronic issues are problems that get revisited time and time again, says Silva. She explains that these situations are persistent and require management to maintain the peace and keep them from disrupting the relationship.

Conflict management is useful for chronic situations that cannot be solved. Contrary to what we might think about conflict and its ability to be resolved, about 70% of couples’ conflicts are unsolvable, says Silva.

If, for example, you and your partner have very different tastes in movies and that is a source of repeated conflict in your relationship, a simple conflict management solution would be to compromise and take turns picking the movie. This doesn’t necessarily solve the issue of having different tastes in movies, but it helps manage the conflict that can arise as a result.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution , on the other hand, specifically focuses on finding a final solution for a solvable conflict. It aims to address the root causes of the issue, find a mutually satisfactory solution to the problem, eliminate conflict, and restore harmony in the relationship.

For example, if you and your partner share a joint account and your partner makes an expensive luxury purchase from it without telling you, you may feel angry and frustrated in response to this conflict. The process of conflict resolution may involve sharing your feelings about what happened with your partner, explaining what you need, and requesting you consult with each other before making any purchases over a certain dollar amount from your joint account, make big personal purchases from an individual account, or another solution that feels acceptable for both of you. You and your partner can work together to reach conflict resolution by collaborating and coming to an agreement on how to handle big purchases from your joint account moving forward.

Applicable to chronic issues

Focuses on ongoing management

Aims to minimize the negative effects of the conflict

Keeps the relationship functional

Applicable to solvable problems

Provides a definitive solution

Aims to eliminate the conflict altogether

Restores harmony to the relationship

How to Know Which Style to Use? 

These are some factors to consider when you’re trying to decide which style to use:

• Type of conflict: If it’s a persistent problem that crops up repeatedly, conflict management may be more appropriate. However, if it’s an isolated issue that is solvable, conflict resolution can help resolve the issue more definitively.
• Emotional intensity: If it’s an intense conflict that's causing significant anger , tension, or emotional distress, conflict resolution may be required to solve the issue and eliminate the conflict. On the other hand, if it’s an ongoing issue that both partners are used to, conflict management can help minimize its negative effects and ensure the relationship is functional.
• Relationship dynamics: Conflict resolution requires both partners to actively discuss the issue and work on finding a solution. If both partners are unable to give it due time and attention, conflict management can help keep things stable.

Can You Truly ‘Agree to Disagree’ in a Relationship? 

If you and your partner have different values , beliefs, opinions, or perspectives on something, you may wonder whether it’s possible to agree to disagree on it.

Agreeing to disagree involves accepting that you and your partner have different views on something, and choosing to respect those differences without trying to change each other’s mind.

This strategy can help minimize discontent in the relationship, says Silva. Rather than forcing someone to see things from your point of view, which can lead to conflict and resentment, agreeing to disagree respects their individuality, and their right to their own opinion.

The key to successfully agreeing to disagree is to actively listen to each other, understand where the other person is coming from, and empathize with their position, even if it’s not the same as yours.

It’s important to note that agreeing to disagree may not work for all issues. For instance, it may work for certain personal preferences where there is no clear right or wrong answer, but it may not work for major life decisions, where both parties need to be on the same page to proceed.

Can Agreeing to Disagree Be a Bad Thing? 

Agreeing to disagree can be a good thing if it helps partners coexist peacefully and respectfully. However, it can sometimes be a bad thing if it leads to:

• Resentment: If partners start to resent each other because of the viewpoints they hold.
• Communication breakdown: If partner’s are unable to communicate effectively while respecting each other’s perspective or stop communicating completely.
• Lack of resolution: If partners are unable to solve their issues and are constantly in a state of conflict.
• Repeated patterns: If the issue is a repeated source of conflict.

How Conflict Affects Relationships

Conflict can affect relationships in positive and negative ways. 

When Conflict Is Good for a Relationship 

Conflict can be good for a relationship if it:

• Resolves misunderstandings: Conflict often arises from misunderstandings, says Silva. Resolving misunderstandings can help improve communication in the relationship.
• Surfaces unmet needs: Conflict can also be caused by failure to consider each other’s needs and wishes, says Silva. Communicating with each other and being considerate of each other’s needs can help improve emotional intimacy in the relationship.
• Encourages problem-solving: Though conflict is not pleasant, discussing issues can help partners find solutions .
• Enables growth: Conflict can offer an opportunity for growth, as individuals and as a couple.

A 2021 study notes that while conflict can be negative, resolved conflict is not.

When Conflict Hurts a Relationship

These are some of the ways conflict can harm a relationship, according to Silva:

• Becomes a habit: Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repetitive pattern where one or both partners constantly feel hopeless because there is no resolution in sight. This can spiral into resentment and lead to frequent inflammatory or toxic interactions between partners.
• Festers and grows: Not addressing issues as they occur or reoccur is a mistake , because it causes them to fester. Unresolved conflict can result in stress and constant rumination about the dissatisfactory elements of your partner or your relationship.
• Harms mental well-being: Constantly dwelling on mistakes and perceived shortcomings can lead to a vicious cycle that puts you at risk for mental health problems and emotional distress, which has been linked to the development of anxiety, depression, and substance use. Stress can also result in poor sleeping patterns, unhealthy eating habits, blood pressure issues, or heart conditions.

How to Address Relationship Conflict 

Silva shares some strategies that can help you address relationship conflict.

Recognize Triggers

When either person is triggered , explore what triggered them. These are educational indicators, so taking the opportunity to learn about the “why” can help you avoid them in the future. 

Avoid being negative when discussing triggers. Instead, speak calmly and understand that even if you don’t agree, both your viewpoints are still equally valid. The goal is to gain insights into how to manage conflict in the future.

Create a Plan to Address the Conflict

Creating a plan to address problems, whether chronic or solvable, can start the process of alleviation. You want to ask one another “What actionable steps can we take to address the problem causing these emotional reactions?”

Deciding to agree to disagree can be part of your plan of action to create happiness and minimize discontent.

Clarissa Silva, Relationship Coach

Conflict is inevitable but how we respond to disagreements is what matters.

Evaluate Your Needs

These are some factors to think about as you work on finding solutions:

• How do you want to be loved?
• How does that differ from how your partner wants to be loved?
• How do you and your partner express love ?
• Are your definitions of love modeled from anywhere (such as caregivers, books, movies, etc.)?
• How do you both cultivate and honor that for one another?

Understand Conflict Rituals

Everyone reacts to conflict differently. The way you and your partner process conflict is a conflict ritual.

Define what your conflict rituals are. For instance, do you have to be left alone to think and process on your own first? Do you need to have it resolved  before going to bed or can it wait until you are both ready and regulated? Do you prefer to talk it out with loved ones or keep it between the two of you?

Sometimes conflict rituals can be a source of conflict in themselves. For example, if your partner chooses to run away, you may get upset about that. However, understanding your partner’s reactions to conflict and developing a healthy mechanism to process and deal with conflict can help resolve it.

Don’t Ignore the Issue

Don’t let issues go unaddressed, or they fester and get worse. 

As far as possible, try to discuss and decide on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as the issue occurs. If it’s not possible to address it immediately, decide on a time when you can discuss it in the near future.

If you and your partner are experiencing frequent relationship conflicts that you're unable to resolve or manage, it may be helpful to seek therapy. Couples therapy can help you discuss your issues, improve your communication skills, and address conflict.

Tae J, Almasi RC, Weldon RB, Lee Y, An C, Sohn MH. Perceived conflict may be negative but resolved conflict is not . Brain Cogn . 2021;150:105721. doi:10.1016/j.bandc.2021.105721

El-Sheikh M, Kelly R, Rauer A. Quick to berate, slow to sleep: interpartner psychological conflict, mental health, and sleep . Health Psychol . 2013;32(10):1057-1066. doi:10.1037/a0031786

National Library of Medicine. Stress and your health .

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

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Psychology Spot

All About Psychology

The difference between problem and conflict that you should know

Understanding the difference between problem and conflict is essential to find the most effective psychological strategies to manage both situations. Knowing our internal states, giving them a name and understanding their dynamics will allow us to face them in the best possible way and make decisions that we will not have to regret in the future, keeping affective states under control to avoid hitting bottom emotionally .

What is a problem – and what is not?

The term problem is often used to refer to different situations. A problem, for example, can be a question for which we have no answer, but it can also be a situation that makes us uncomfortable and we don’t know how to get out of it.

The psychological problem occurs when we try to achieve a goal, but we find a set of circumstances that stop us. In that case, it becomes an obstacle in our way because we don’t know how to remove or avoid it.

In fact, it should be clarified that we often call “problem” situations that are only difficulties or setbacks. For example, if the subway or the bus is late, it is an inconvenient. On the other hand, if are canceled and we don’t know how to get to our destination, it’s a problem.

Therefore, problems are all those situations for which we do not have an immediate solution, circumstances that we cannot solve immediately, so that they force us to think of a solution strategy.

What is a conflict exactly?

Conflicts occur when there are two conflicting interests. In interpersonal conflicts, for example, there is a situation that needs to be resolved, but the people involved cannot agree because they have different interests, expectations, or points of view.

In interpersonal conflicts, the disagreement occurs within us. When we face a certain situation, a part of us wants something and another part wants the opposite. We may be aware, for example, that we “should” do something, but actually “want” to do something else. Or we may experience divergent emotions at the same time, such as the attraction that drives us to action and the fear that holds us back. Those forces that push in different directions generate a conflict.

As with problems, we often qualify as “conflicts” situations that are not conflicts or that are actually pseudo-conflicts . Having differences or even expressing opposition, for example, does not imply the existence of a conflict per se. For a conflict to occur, it is necessary for two forces to be set in motion that push in opposite directions just at the moment in which it is necessary for these forces to converge and unify in order to make a decision or do something.

Consequently, conflict situations imply a duality from which it is difficult to escape.

What is the main difference between problem and conflict?

By definition, the conflict is a disagreement, a contradiction that arises from the incoherence of judgments, objectives, interests, inferences, conclusions or opinions on certain aspects. Instead, the problem is an issue or situation that is considered unpleasant or harmful, but that we cannot immediately overcome because we lack the tool, cognitive, emotional, or other resources to find a solution.

Therefore, the main difference between problem and conflict lies in its character. While the conflict has a dichotomous character because it always implies at least two opposing positions or forces, even when it comes to an intrapersonal conflict, the problems suffer from this dichotomy because they only imply a difficulty, doubt or uncertainty that we must solve.

Since these are different psychological realities, the way to deal with them also differs. In fact, it is no coincidence that there are both conflict resolution techniques and problem solving strategies.

Conflict resolution techniques focus on bringing divergent forces together to break out of a deadlock. Whether on an interpersonal or intrapersonal level, you work to understand the pros and cons of each position, find common ground, set a goal, clarify trade-offs that need to be made, and finally commit to change.

Instead, problem-solving strategies are processes focused on finding solutions. Although they involve the analysis of the situation and take into account the goal we want to reach, the work focuses more on promoting divergent thinking that gives rise to creative and original ideas to eliminate the obstacle or answer the question.

Therefore, while conflict resolution techniques enhance convergence, problem resolution strategies encourage divergence. The differences in approaching the problem and the conflict is due to the fact that, although both usually lead to paralysis, their underlying psychological mechanisms are different.

In conflict, paralysis is due to divergent forces pulling in opposite directions, creating indecision and keeping us tied to the situation. Instead, many times problems block us due to our mental rigidity ; that is, to the fact that we are unable to see beyond what is happening to find solutions.

Problems and conflicts: two non-exclusive psychological realities

In our day to day life we ​​face many problems and conflicts. Generally, these are inconsequential situations that we can quickly resolve and do not think about them again. However, in some cases the problems and conflicts can coincide, causing great emotional anguish that leads to paralysis.

For example, we can find ourselves facing vital problems whose possible solutions generate internal conflicts. In these cases, the solutions that we glimpse are conflicting, so that we are unable to decide. Thus the conflict ends up feeding and prolonging the problem.

However, the opposite can also happen: latent conflicts can generate problems in our interpersonal relationships or in our inner world. In these cases, the problem can end up aggravating the conflict, condemning us to paralysis and anguish.

Understanding the difference between problem and conflict, as well as the psychological mechanisms that are at its base, will help us shed a little light on what is happening so that we can find the best path or, at least, get moving to get out of a paralyzing situation that is often deeply emotionally draining.

Schmindt, H. G. et. Al. (2011) The process of problem-based learning: what works and why.  Medical Education ; 45(8): 792-806.

Lichbach, M. I. et. Al. (1981) The Conflict Process: A Formal Model.  Journal of Conflict Resolution ; 25(1): 10.1177.

Jennifer Delgado

I am a psychologist and I spent several years writing articles for scientific journals specialized in Health and Psychology. I want to help you create great experiences. Learn more about me .

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Keep Learning

Conflict Resolution Definition – What is Conflict Resolution?

Written by Haley Boyce

Nothing is more of a threat to a healthy work environment than the toxicity of unresolved conflict. The unaddressed issue becomes the underlying focus of those who know about it, effectively shifting the focus from productivity to gossip. Conflict is often based on hurt feelings or pride, and it doesn’t typically go away on its own. 

The ability to resolve conflict is key to effective leadership.

Whether the point of contention is between two members of the same team, an employee and third party supplier or contractor, or any other stakeholder in the company, it needs to be resolved swiftly and with genuine follow-through. 

If you find yourself in the position of needing to resolve a conflict that’s wreaking havoc on your team, we’ve got the life preserver you need to keep you afloat as you navigate the white-capped waters of conflict resolution. 

What Conflict Looks Like in the Workplace

As a leader in the workplace, you’ll need a procedure in place for resolving conflicts.

There is no person on the planet who has journeyed through life unscathed by conflict. Conflicts arise for any number of reasons, that can include:

• Self-serving behavior

Conflicts arise when people make decisions that serve their own interests (promotion at work, financial gain, etc.) rather than making a decision that serves everyone on the team equally. 

• Overconfidence

Being overconfident about a decision can lead to inflated levels of confidence that don’t match what can be realistically delivered. Ego is the one to blame here, so being mindful of what can reasonably be offered will curb the expectation for an outcome that might still be great but doesn’t meet the promise initially made. 

• Over-commitment

Think about politicians on the campaign trail. Would we love to see them keep every promise they make? Absolutely – it’s why we take the risk when we give them our vote. And what happens when they don’t deliver? We get upset. We see them as failures. We see our country as doomed. Then everyone is hurt either because they didn’t get what was promised or they were caught out for overcommitting. This happens to all of us, no matter the arena. Commitment creates expectation. Lack of follow-through creates conflict. 

Conflict Resolution Strategies – How Effective Leaders Build a Cooperative Culture

Conflict resolution is the act of solving a problem with a result that satisfies all parties involved. 

Among CEOs surveyed in a Stanford Graduate School of Business study, participants indicated that they would benefit from training in conflict resolution. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you will need skills in conflict resolution sooner or later. Trainings are highly encouraged, but until then get familiar with this comprehensive list of strategies to consider when mediating a conflict within your company.

• Welcome healthy disagreement

Begin by understanding that not everyone will see eye to eye on every single topic. Differing perspectives can spur creativity when the input is balanced with respect. This is very different from conflict that starts with an action or comment then morphs into a beast of emotion that detracts from the team’s productivity.

• Preempt unnecessary conflict

To avoid unnecessary conflict, support an environment of open communication. The more team members talk, the easier it becomes for everyone to stay on the same page and work toward the same goal. 

• Familiarize yourself with different approaches

No two personalities are exactly the same, so no two people can be handled the exact same way. How one person handles conflict might differ from how another person deals with it due to varying levels of sensitivity, trauma backgrounds, and any other number of factors that impact our emotional and mental health.

Mental health awareness is developing every day, so as a leader, it is important to keep up to date on strategies to resolve conflict among the many personalities on your team. 

• Request boundaries

Akin to the importance of knowing all of the different personality types on your team is the importance of knowing each person’s boundaries. Where some people are comfortable with relaxed boundaries and jokes that teeter on the edge of impropriety, others wish to keep relationships among colleagues strictly professional and never discuss details beyond the parameters of the workspace. It is your job as a leader to identify each person’s boundaries and create a space where each stakeholder feels comfortable and confident in the realm of teamwork and productivity. 

• Resolve emotions before disputes

Conflicts escalate because emotions erupt and skew our judgment. It is quite the feat to separate the head from the heart when conflict occurs. Heightening the discomfort of conflict in the workplace is the understanding that this should not be happening and has the potential to negatively impact years of hard work and your source of livelihood. Before entering mediation, all parties should grasp that emotions worsen the discussion, thus keeping resolution difficult to reach. Furthermore, speech patterns and body language communicate much more than you might mean for them to, and distinguish the fear that’s at the root of the conflict and treat it like an object separate from your heart. Address it with facts and keep the conversation forward-thinking. 

• Address tension when it arises and act quickly

In the moment, it might seem easier to ignore the tension or make a strange, knowing look at a work-friend when the silence gets awkward, and everyone wonders how to move on. It might be healthy to sidestep the conflict for the moment to give emotions a chance to settle before tackling the issue, but ignoring it altogether is detrimental to trust and morale. Keep conflict resolution timely so it doesn’t infect the team’s productivity and comradery. 

Negotiation… Mediation… Arbitration… Litigation – What’s the Real Difference?

• Negotiation

Imbalance creates conflict. Being a team lead means you are constantly negotiating deals of finance, time, and productivity. To avoid conflict, there should be a mutual goal of meeting the interests of each involved party. 

Mediation is a source of resolution as opposed to a cause, but it’s worth mentioning in this list, as something like mediation is only prompted when conflict cannot be amicably resolved. In times when conflict has escalated beyond the point of help from within the company, a third-party mediator will be hired to guide all parties toward resolution. 

• Arbitration

Arbitration is one of the exact reasons we want to end conflict as quickly and thoroughly as possible. In arbitration, the conflict is presented before a neutral third party who serves as a judge. 

If you want to avoid arbitration, you definitely want to avoid litigation. Litigation differs from arbitration in that both parties at conflict will be represented by attorneys. Their case will be presented before a judge and jury. 

The Basic Conflict Resolution Skills Every Organizational Leader Needs

How we navigate conflict resolution can be just as important as the resolution itself. Keeping personality type and boundaries in mind, these are the skills required of you, the leader and mediator, to resolve conflicts. You’ll notice that some of these skills are similar to aforementioned strategies, and with good reason: They work. 

Active Listening

Listen to how the other person is speaking. Phrase your sentences in the same way to keep the tone neutral. Repeat what they have said to you in order to clarify your understanding. Begin by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is . . .” While you are listening, take in what is being told to you. You will be given a chance to speak as well, so listen to the other person with your full attention without thinking about what you’re going to say in rebuttal. 

Communication

Conflict exposes us to vulnerabilities which is why it is an automatic defense to close ourselves off from the source of tension rather than face it head-on. Keeping an open line of communication after a conflict assures everyone is heard and helps to avoid similar problems in the future. 

Rather than place blame for the issue, lean back on the active listening skills to help you see the incident from one another’s perspective. 

A Level Head

Though it is imperative to resolve the conflict before it escalates into a bigger deal, it can be wise to take a step back for a minute in order to let all parties of interest gather their thoughts and reel in any high emotions. Maintaining a level-headed, methodical approach will help resolve the conflict swiftly and in a way that allows everyone to (hopefully) reach a resolution that pleases everyone. 

Collaboration

If conflict arises because one person is trying to usurp the opinions or hard work of others, then it’s resolution should be the opposite – getting everyone to work toward a common goal. Keep the lines of communication free-flowing so everyone has a chance to be heard and input is equal among stakeholders. Follow through with this step time and again to assure success. 

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By Renee Evenson

• The Humble Inquiry, Second Edition: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling

By Edgar H. Shein, Peter A. Shein

• The Outward Mindset: Seeing Beyond Ourselves
• Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In

By Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, Bruce Patton

Basic Conflict Resolution Steps

Every leader will place their own spin on managing conflict, but the steps to resolution will essentially look the same…

1. Talk it out

Set aside a time to meet with the person/people involved in the conflict. Arrange to meet in a place that will be free from distraction and interruption.

Not everybody feels comfortable talking about areas of conflict. It’s safe to say most people would rather pretend the issue doesn’t exist and believe that it will resolve itself in time. The reality is, though, that this leads the offended party (or parties) to arrive at their own conclusions, effectively making the conflict worse.

To be an effective leader skilled in conflict resolution, it is critical to get comfortable with facing ugly truths. 

2. Focus on the facts

Keep the conversation fact-focused. Finding a path toward peace means keeping emotions out of the conversation to refrain from escalating the conflict.

Begin sentences with, “When this happens . . .” rather than “When you do this . . .” Be specific – describe exact examples that cause the conflict rather than generalizing. People can’t change what they don’t specifically know they’ve done to be hurtful. 

Be an active listener, focused on hearing what the other person is communicating. Center your attention on what is being told to you instead of preparing to react. Refrain from interrupting. When the other person is finished speaking, repeat back to them what you heard. For example: “What I’m hearing you say is . . .” Ask clarifying questions.

4. Pinpoint where the parties agree and disagree

After each party has been heard on their own, bring everyone together to discuss their differences in a neutral environment. This is a time dedicated to brainstorming resolutions, active listening, and remaining open to differing perspectives. The goal is to arrive at a common understanding of the conflict, the role each person plays in the conflict, and what a resolution might look like.

To identify the root of the issue, each involved party must first be given their own time to be heard by the mediator. As you listen to each party, work to figure out how each party understands the situation, what needs to be met, and what each party sees as an appropriate resolution. When meeting with the individual parties, assure them that you remain neutral as the mediator and have no bias in one direction or the other. 

Summarize points of agreement and disagreement. Check that both parties agree on these points. Change your assessment until you both see eye to eye on the points of agreement and disagreement. 

5. Make a plan

Arrange times to check-in with all involved parties to assure everyone is feeling good about the progress. 

The hope is that when you arrive at this point in conflict resolution, all involved parties will have an understanding of the other’s perspective. If there is understanding of the opposing party’s perspective, resolution can be achieved through open dialogue. If this does not happen organically, you will need to step in to lay the foundation for common ground then work together to create a plan. 

6. Follow through

Keep having conversations until all points of contention have been worked through. Maintain a collaborative tone during discussion. Remember, the goal is to work through this together. 

Conflict doesn’t go away overnight, even when mediation has occurred. It is important for a leader who has acted as a mediator to continue to check in with all involved parties to assess how they feel about the progress being made. If things are not going as agreed upon, it’s time to reconvene and reassess. 

7, Build upon the success

Seek opportunities to acknowledge progress. Compliment noticeable changes. Encourage each party to complement one another on their successes. In time, scheduled discussions focused on conflict resolution will become natural, even friendly, conversations. 

Conflict Resolution Training

Though training, business leaders can learn how to negotiate solutions that not only benefit involved parties directly, but also serve the best interest of the company.

Courses you can expect to take while in conflict resolution training include:

• Diagnosing workplace conflict
• Applying a problem-solving approach to conflict
• Leading challenging conversations

Conflict Resolution Techniques – The 5 Cs of Conflict Resolution

Entrepreneur Magazine has coined the conflict resolution techniques as The 5 Cs. Easy to remember and call upon during (hopefully rare) times when conflict resolution is needed. These are very close to the techniques and strategies named throughout this FAQ guide, but this time with a fresh spin to help you recall these tools in a moment’s notice. The Five Cs are:

1 – C arefully Listen – Be an active listener. Emphasis on the listening. 

2 – C onsider the Situation Thoughtfully – Then, put in the effort to truly see a situation from the perspective of your team members and other stakeholders. Empathy is the key to success.

When you can see from their perspective, you gain new insight into how to better serve your team and your customers.

You don’t have to agree with them but understanding them will help lead to peaceful collaboration. 

3 – C almly Discuss Conflicting Perspectives – How we react to a conflict can worsen the situation. Even if you don’t feel calm on the inside, acting like you’re calm will benefit everyone involved. 

4 – C onscientiously Look at the Facts – Keep your head and your heart separate. Even though facts are what is true about a situation, emotions can get in the way and skew the perspective. This leads to further misunderstanding, and even worse, lets pride get in the way of accepting when we might have overstepped a boundary or disrespected a colleague in some way. 

5 – C ooperatively Work Together – When the first four C’s go well the result is a cooperative team effort that inevitably leads to success. 

Various Conflict Resolution Styles for Different Personality Types

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about strategies, skills, and techniques for navigating conflict resolution, but not everyone is going to deliver these things the same way.

Just as our teams are made of diverse personalities, so are managers.

Some of us are still figuring out how we want to handle conflict resolution while others are well-versed in the practice of finding peace among teams. No matter what brings you here today, there are styles to consider for effective conflict resolution. Here are some to emulate and a couple to avoid. 

According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, the five major styles of conflict resolution are:

• Collaborative - Those who work with others to arrive at a solution that meets everyone’s best interest is achieved with a leader’s assertive and cooperative qualities.
• Competitive - Leaders who compete are both assertive and uncooperative. These people have no qualms about pursuing their own best interest, even when it means doing so at the expense of another person.
• Avoidant - People who avoid conflict do so by sidestepping the issue while being both unassertive and uncooperative. They also might withdraw from a difficult situation altogether. Though this is done with the goal of making the conflict disappear, it actually allows the conflict to take a seat at the table and become part of the destruction of company goals and team morale.
• Accommodating - This is the exact opposite of competing. Here, one person becomes the sacrificial lamb willing to set aside their own needs in favor or resolving conflict by allowing the other person to have what they want. This is not generous. Instead, it fosters a toxic environment in which one person is allowed to take advantage of someone who might be weak in the face of conflict.
• Compromising -This style works to find a quick solution that partially satisfies each involved party while maintaining levels of both assertiveness and cooperation. This style is best used when time is of the essence – the resolution becomes secondary to the goal of completing the task at hand. In this situation not everyone is wholly satisfied but enough so to move forward.

Conflict Resolution Quotes – Words to Live and Lead By

People have been disagreeing since the beginning of time – whether it’s what beverage to pair with dinner or what territory rightfully belongs to a certain country. Sometimes it feels like there are more ways to handle conflict than there are ways to avoid it from happening in the first place. The point is: It’s inevitable. How you handle it as a team lead is entirely up to you (no pressure, right?). The following are quotes to recall in times of stress and intense conflict.

Do not think of knocking out another person’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.

— Horace Mann

All conflict can be traced back to someone’s feelings getting hurt, don’t you think?

—  Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies

Did it ever occur to you, that there is no conflict of interests among men, neither in business nor in trade nor in their most personal desires – if they omit the irrational from their view of the possible and destruction from their view of the practical?

Peace is better than war, because conflict resolutions can be made without a wastage of life and resources.

— Gugu Mona

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.

– Dale Carnegie

When conflict becomes a win-lose contest in our minds, we immediately try to win.

— Thomas Crum

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

— Ambrose Bierce

Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.

— Mahatma Gandhi

Conflict can destroy a team, which hasn’t spent time learning to deal with it.

– Thomas Isgar

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

— William James

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

— Winston Churchill

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Article • 9 min read

Conflict Resolution

8 ways to resolve conflict in the workplace.

By the Mind Tools Content Team

Where there are people, there is conflict. We each have our values, needs and habits, so it's easy to misunderstand or irritate one another – or worse, to fall into conflict.

Left unchecked, conflict can lead to bad decisions and outright disputes, bullying or harassment. Teamwork breaks down, morale drops, and projects grind to a halt. Organizations feel the hit with wasted talent, high absenteeism, and increased staff turnover.

But conflict can be resolved. What's more, it can bring issues to light, strengthen relationships, and spark innovation – so long as you don't try to ignore it!

In this article, we'll explore different types of conflict, what causes conflict, and how to reach a positive outcome when you find yourself in conflict with a co-worker. (To identify the signs of conflict occurring between other people and to help them overcome their conflict with one another, we recommend our follow-on article, Resolving Team Conflict .)

Conflict Resolution Definition

Generally, workplace conflicts fall into two categories:

• Personality conflict or disagreements between individuals. These clashes are driven and perpetuated by emotions such as anger, stress and frustration.
• Substantive conflict is tangible and task-related, like the decisions leaders make, the performance of a team member, or your company's direction.

If unaddressed, both can spiral into wider conflict between teams, departments or businesses. Conflict resolution can be defined as the process of identifying, addressing, and resolving disagreements or disputes among employees in a professional setting, thereby fostering a positive and productive work environment.

What Causes Conflict at Work?

Some of the most common causes of workplace conflict are:

• Unclear responsibilities . Some team members may feel they do more work than others, or resent those who seem to have fewer responsibilities. Blame and frustration can build due to duplicated work or unfinished tasks.
• Competition for resources . Time, money, materials, equipment, and skillsets are finite resources. Competition for them can lead to conflict.
• Different interests . People may focus on personal or departmental goals over organizational ones. Or be held up and frustrated by others who they rely on to do their jobs effectively.

Read our article on Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict for more sources of – and solutions to – disputes.

Five Conflict Resolution Strategies

When you find yourself in a conflict situation, these five strategies will help you to resolve disagreements quickly and effectively:

1. Raise the Issue Early

Keeping quiet only lets resentment fester. Equally, speaking with other people first can fuel rumor and misunderstanding.

So, whether you're battling over the thermostat or feel that you're being micromanaged, be direct and talk with the other party. However, if you're afraid of making that approach, or worry that it may make the problem worse, speak with your manager first, or your HR department if the other party is your manager.

Either way, be assertive (not aggressive) and speak openly. This will encourage others to do the same – and you can get to the root cause of a problem before it escalates.

2. Manage Your Emotions

Choose your timing when you talk to someone about the conflict. If you're angry, you may say something you'll regret and inflame the situation. Be careful to avoid playing the blame game .

So stay calm, collect yourself, and ask, "What is it I want to achieve here?", "What are the issues I'm having?" and "What is it that I would like to see?"

See our article Managing Your Emotions at Work for more insight and tips.

3. Show Empathy

When you talk to someone about a conflict, it's natural to want to state your own case, rather than hear out the other side. But when two people do this, the conversation goes in circles.

Instead, invite the other party to describe their position, ask how they think they might resolve the issue, and listen with empathy .

Putting yourself in the other person's shoes is an essential part of negotiation. This helps you to build mutual respect and understanding – and to achieve an outcome that satisfies both parties.

4. Practice Active Listening

To identify the source of the conflict you have to really listen. To listen actively:

• Paraphrase the other party's points to show you're listening and really understand them.
• Look out for non-verbal signals that contradict what they are saying, such as a hesitant tone behind positive words. Bring these out into the open sensitively to address them together.
• Use appropriate body language , such as nodding your head, to show interest and to make it clear that you're following them.

Go further with Empathic Listening or Mindful Listening .

5. Acknowledge Criticism

Some of the things the other person tells you may be difficult to hear. But remember that criticism or constructive feedback is about job behaviors and not you as a person.

So, keep an open mind and use criticism to help you to identify areas to improve, perform better next time, and grow.

Glasers' Three-Step Strategy for Conflict Resolution

Conflict management consultants Peter and Susan Glaser recommend a three-step strategy for resolving conflict, and it draws on many of the skills we've looked at above. You can hear the Glasers talking about their model in our exclusive interview with them. [1]

The steps for these conflict resolution skills are:

• Prove that you understand their side.
• Acknowledge that you are part of the problem.
• Try again if the conversation didn't go well.

Let's try a training exercise and apply each step to a fictional conflict resolution scenario.

Conflict Resolution Training Example

Imagine that the heads of two departments are in conflict. Product Manager Sayid changed the price of a product without letting Marketing Manager Gayanne know. As a result, the marketing team sent out an email to customers with incorrect prices. They had to send out a follow-up email apologizing for the error, and make good on the price some customers paid for the product.

1. Prove That You Understand Their Side

Instead of blaming Sayid, Gayanne asks him how he came to make the decision. She uses her questioning and listening skills to get the information she needs and to show that she's truly hearing Sayid's response.

She discovers that Sayid was pressured by a major client to drop the price or risk losing a contract. She empathizes , saying, "Yes, I've had difficulties with that client before, too."

As Susan Glaser says, "Only when you believe that I understand you, will you be willing to try to understand my perspective." [2]

2. Acknowledge That You Are Part of the Problem

If you're in conflict with someone, it's unlikely you're free of all blame. So admit your part in it. This leads to mutual trust, a better understanding of one another, and makes it easier to find a solution.

In our scenario, Gayanne could say to Sayid, "I should have shared our marketing strategy and email send dates with you. I'll do that right away."

3. Try Again if the Conversation Doesn't Go Well

Despite the progress they've made, relations between the two managers remain frosty, so Sayid calls Gayanne the following week. He says, "I was thinking about our conversation, and I'd like to try again because I'm not happy with how it went. I've had time to take your points on board, and I'd like to talk about how we can work together better going forward."

Remember that you get more than one shot at resolving a conflict. Susan Glaser says, "There's a myth that if we have a bad conversation with someone it's over. In fact, 'do overs' are powerful." [3]

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is conflict resolution important in the workplace?

Unresolved conflicts can hinder productivity and damage team dynamics. Effective conflict resolution helps maintain a positive work environment, promotes collaboration, and ensures issues are addressed before they escalate.

What are some common sources of workplace conflicts?

Workplace conflicts can arise from differences in communication styles, conflicting goals, personality clashes, misunderstandings, resource allocation, or competing priorities. Recognizing these sources is crucial for timely intervention.

How can a team manager effectively address conflicts among team members?

A team manager should act as a mediator and facilitator. Begin by listening to both sides, understanding perspectives, and acknowledging emotions. Encourage open dialogue, find common ground, and work together to find a solution that is fair and beneficial for all parties.

What strategies can managers employ to prevent conflicts from escalating?

Managers can implement proactive measures such as fostering a transparent communication culture, setting clear expectations, defining roles and responsibilities, and promoting team-building activities. By addressing potential sources of conflict early on, managers can prevent minor issues from turning into major disputes.

How does effective conflict resolution contribute to team productivity?

Resolving conflicts promptly maintains a harmonious working environment where team members feel valued and understood. This leads to improved morale, increased focus on tasks, and a more efficient workflow, ultimately enhancing overall team productivity.

When is it appropriate to involve higher management in conflict resolution?

Involving higher management should be considered when conflicts cannot be resolved at the team level or when the conflicts involve larger organizational issues. Higher management can provide a neutral perspective and additional resources to facilitate resolution.

Conflict is common in the workplace. The biggest mistake you can make is to do nothing. Unresolved tensions can affect the health and performance of people and organizations.

So, hone these five conflict resolution skills to pre-empt, manage and fix conflicts with your co-workers:

• Raise the issue early.
• Manage your emotions.
• Show empathy.
• Practice active listening.
• Acknowledge criticism.

Then try the Glasers' three-step conflict resolution strategy to resolve issues together:

• Try again if the conversation doesn't go well.

In the process, you may even discover positives such as improved processes, strengthened relationships, and innovation!

[1] [2] [3] Mind Tools interview with Peter A. Glaser, Ph.D. and Susan R. Glaser. Available here .

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What is conflict?

Causes of conflict in a relationship, how do you respond to conflict, conflict resolution, stress, and emotions, core skill 1: quick stress relief, core skill 2: emotional awareness, nonverbal communication and conflict resolution, more tips for managing and resolving conflict, conflict resolution skills.

Whatever the cause of disagreements and disputes at home or work, these skills can help you resolve conflict in a constructive way and keep your relationships strong and growing.

Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything, all the time. The key is not to fear or try to avoid conflict but to learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.

When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two people. Whether you’re experiencing conflict at home, work, or school, learning these skills can help you resolve differences in a healthy way and build stronger, more rewarding relationships.

Conflict 101

• A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
• Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
• We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
• Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
• Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.

Conflict arises from differences, both large and small. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences appear trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem. These needs can range from the need to feel safe and secure or respected and valued, to the need for greater closeness and intimacy.

Think about the opposing needs of a toddler and a parent. The child’s need is to explore, so venturing to the street or the cliff edge meets that need. But the parent’s need is to protect the child’s safety, a need that can only be met by limiting the toddler’s exploration. Since these needs are at odds, conflict arises.

The needs of each party play an important role in the long-term success of a relationship. Each deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In the workplace, differing needs can result in broken deals, decreased profits, and lost jobs.

[Read: Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship]

When you can recognize conflicting needs and are willing to examine them with compassion and understanding, it can lead to creative problem solving, team building, and stronger relationships.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from painful memories from early childhood or previous unhealthy relationships, you may expect all disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict as demoralizing, humiliating, or something to fear. If your early life experiences left you feeling powerless or out of control, conflict may even be traumatizing for you.

If you’re afraid of conflict, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you enter a conflict situation already feeling threatened, it’s tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you’re more likely to either shut down or blow up in anger.

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases your understanding of the other person, builds trust, and strengthens your relationships.

If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. This will make it hard to communicate with others and establish what’s really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he slurps his soup—rather than what is  really bothering them.

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

• Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
• Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, intimidating, or punishing others.
• Pay attention to the  feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.
• Be aware of and respect differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can almost always resolve a problem faster.

To successfully resolve a conflict, you need to learn and practice two core skills:

• Quick stress relief: the ability to quickly relieve stress in the moment.
• Emotional awareness: the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways, even in the midst of a perceived attack.

Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.

Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.

Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

How stress affects conflict resolution

Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:

• Accurately read another person’s body language .
• Hear what someone is really saying.
• Be aware of your own feelings.
• Be in touch with your own, deep-rooted needs.
• Communicate your needs clearly.

Is stress a problem for you?

You may be so used to feeling stressed that you’re not even aware you  are stressed. Stress may pose a problem in your life if you identify with the following:

• You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body.
• You’re not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe.
• Conflict absorbs your time and attention.

Learn how to manage stress in the moment

One of the most reliable ways to rapidly reduce stress is by engaging one or more of your senses—sight, sound, taste, smell, touch—or through movement. You could squeeze a stress ball, smell a relaxing scent, taste a soothing cup of tea, or look at a treasured photograph. We all tend to respond differently to sensory input, often depending on how we respond to stress, so take some time to find things that are soothing to you. Read: Quick Stress Relief .

Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how or why you feel a certain way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreements.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence]

Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be limited.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict

Emotional awareness—the consciousness of your  moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately, is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.

Emotional awareness helps you to:

• Understand what is really troubling other people
• Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you
• Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved
• Communicate clearly and effectively
• Interest and influence others

Assessing your level of emotional awareness

The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with:  almost never, occasionally, often, very often, or  almost always . There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do you have with your emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience distinct feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy, which are evident in different facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your own attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision-making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be “turned” down or even off. In either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness. You can do this by using Helpguide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit.

When people are in the middle of a conflict, the words they use rarely convey the issues at the heart of the problem. But by paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals or “body language,” such as facial expressions, posture, gestures, and tone of voice, you can better understand what the person is really saying. This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust, and gets to the root of the problem.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling. Think about what you are transmitting to others during conflict, and if what you say matches your body language. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are anything but “fine.” A calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.

You can ensure that the process of managing and resolving conflict is as positive as possible by sticking to the following guidelines:

Listen for what is felt as well as said. When you really listen, you connect more deeply to your own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening also strengthens, informs, and makes it easier for others to hear you when it’s your turn to speak.

Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right.” Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and their viewpoint.

Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to grudges based on past conflicts, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worth your time and energy. Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.

Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can serve only to deplete and drain your life.

Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

Using humor in conflict resolution

You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a humorous way . Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without offending someone. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

More Information

• CR Kit - Covers causes of conflict, different conflict styles, and fair fighting guidelines to help you positively resolve disagreements. (Conflict Resolution Network)
• 12 Skills Summary - A 12-step conflict resolution training kit. (Conflict Resolution Network)
• Effective Communication - The art of listening in conflict resolution. (University of Maryland)
• 10.3 Causes and Outcomes of Conflict – Organizational Behavior . (n.d.). Retrieved May 25, 2022, from Link
• Başoğul, C., & Özgür, G. (2016). Role of Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Management Strategies of Nurses. Asian Nursing Research , 10(3), 228–233. Link
• Corcoran, Kathleen O’Connell, and Brent Mallinckrodt. “Adult Attachment, Self-Efficacy, Perspective Taking, and Conflict Resolution.” Journal of Counseling & Development 78, no. 4 (2000): 473–83. Link
• Yarnell, Lisa M., and Kristin D. Neff. “Self-Compassion, Interpersonal Conflict Resolutions, and Well-Being.” Self and Identity 12, no. 2 (March 1, 2013): 146–59. Link
• Tucker, Corinna Jenkins, Susan M. Mchale, and Ann C. Crouter. “Conflict Resolution: Links with Adolescents’ Family Relationships and Individual Well-Being.” Journal of Family Issues 24, no. 6 (September 1, 2003): 715–36. Link

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Article contents

Conflict management.

• Patricia Elgoibar , Patricia Elgoibar University of Barcelona
• Martin Euwema Martin Euwema Katholieke Universiteit Leuven
•  and  Lourdes Munduate Lourdes Munduate University of Seville
• https://doi.org/10.1093/acrefore/9780190236557.013.5
• Published online: 28 June 2017

Conflicts are part of nature and certainly part of human relations, between individuals, as well as within and between groups. Conflicts occur in every domain of life: family, work, and society, local and global. Conflict management, therefore, is an essential competency for each person. People differ largely in their emotional and behavioral responses to conflict and need to learn how to behave effectively in different conflict situations. This requires a contingency approach, first assessing the conflict situation, and then choosing a strategy, matching the goals of the party. In most situations, fostering cooperative relations will be most beneficial; however, this is also most challenging. Therefore, constructive conflict management strategies, including trust building and methods of constructive controversy, are emphasized. Conflict management, however, is broader than the interaction of the conflicting parties. Third-party interventions are an essential element of constructive conflict management, particularly the assessment of which parties are intervening in what ways at what escalation stage.

• cooperation
• competition
• conflict behavior
• conglomerate conflict behavior
• constructive conflict management
• conflict resolution strategies

Definition of Conflict

Conflicts are part of nature, and certainly part of human relations. People experience conflict with other persons, in teams or in groups, as well as between larger entities, departments, organizations, communities, and countries. Conflicts appear at home, at work, and in our spare-time activities with friends, with people we love and with people we hate, as well as with our superiors and with our subordinates and coworkers. Parties need to accept conflicts as part of life dynamics and learn to deal with them effectively and efficiently. Conflict management refers to the way we manage incompatible actions with others, where others can be a person or a group.

Conflict is a component of interpersonal interactions; it is neither inevitable nor intrinsically bad, but it is commonplace (Coleman, Deutsch, & Marcus, 2014 ; Schellenberg, 1996 ). In the 20th century , Lewin ( 1935 ) concluded that an intrinsic state of tension motivates group members to move toward the accomplishment of their desired common goals. Later on, Parker Follett ( 1941 ) explored the constructive side of conflict and defined conflict as the appearance of difference, difference of opinions or difference of interests. Deutsch ( 1949 ) developed this line of thought and analyzed the relation between the way group members believe their goals are related and their interactions and relationships.

A common definition of conflict argues that there is a conflict between two (or more) parties (individuals or groups) if at least one of them is offended, or feels bothered by the other (Van de Vliert, 1997 ; Wall & Callister, 1995 ). Traditionally, conflict has been defined as opposing interests involving scarce resources and goal divergence and frustration (Pondy, 1967 ). However, Deutsch ( 1973 ) defined conflict as incompatible activities: one person's actions interfere, obstruct, or in some way get in the way of another's action. Tjosvold, Wan, and Tang ( 2016 ) proposed that defining conflict as incompatible actions is a much stronger foundation than defining conflict as opposing interests, because conflicts also can occur when people have common goals (i.e., they may disagree about the best means to achieve their common goals). The key contribution of Deutsch’s ( 1973 ) proposal is that incompatible activities occur in both compatible and incompatible goal contexts. Whether the protagonists believe their goals are cooperative or competitive very much affects their expectations, interaction, and outcomes as they approach conflict (Tjosvold et al., 2016 ).

Characteristics of Conflict

Euwema and Giebels ( 2017 ) highlighted some key elements of conflict.

Conflict implies dependence and interdependence. Parties rely to some extent on the other parties to realize their goals (Kaufman, Elgoibar, & Borbely, 2016 ). This interdependence can be positive (a cooperative context), negative (a competitive context), or mixed. Positive interdependence is strongly related to cooperative conflict behaviors, while negative interdependence triggers competitive behaviors (Johnson & Johnson, 2005 ). Interdependence also reflects the power difference between parties. A short-term contractor on a low-paid job usually is much more dependent on the employer than vice versa. Many conflicts, however, can be seen as “mixed motive” situations.

Conflicts are mostly mixed motive situations because parties have simultaneous motives to cooperate and motives to compete. Parties are, on the one hand, dependent on each other to realize their goal, and, on the other hand, they are at the same time competitors. For example, two colleagues on a team are cooperating for the same team result; however, there is competition for the role as project leader. In a soccer team, the players have a team goal of working together to win, but they can be competing to be the top scorer. The mixed motive structure is very important to understand conflict dynamics. When conflicts arise, the competitive aspects become more salient, and the cooperative structure often is perceived less by parties. Interventions to solve conflict, therefore, are often related to these perceptions and the underlying structures.

Conflict is a psychological experience. Conflict is by definition a personal and subjective experience, as each individual can perceive and manage the same conflict in a different manner. Conflict doesn’t necessarily have an objective basis (Van de Vliert, 1997 ). It depends on the perception of the specific situation, and the perception is by definition subjective and personal.

Conflict concerns cognitive and affective tension. When someone perceives blocked goals and disagreements, he or she can also, although not necessarily, feel fear or anger. Many authors consider that conflict is emotionally charged (Nair, 2007 ; Pondy, 1967 ; Sinaceur, Adam, Van Kleef, & Galinky, 2013 ), although the emotion doesn’t need to be labeled necessarily as a negative emotion. Some people actually enjoy conflict. Emotional experiences in conflict are also scripted by cultural, historical, and personal influences (Lindner, 2014 ).

Conflict can be unidirectional. One party can feel frustrated or thwarted by the other while the second party is hardly aware of, and doesn’t perceive the same reality of, the conflict.

Conflict is a process. Conflict is a dynamic process that does not appear suddenly, but takes some time to develop and passes through several stages (Spaho, 2013 ). Conflict is the process resulting from the tension in interpersonal interactions or between team members because of real or perceived differences (De Dreu & Weingart, 2003 ; Thomas, 1992 ; Wall & Callister, 1995 ).

Type of Conflict: Task, Process, and Relationship Conflict

Early conflict and organizational research concluded that conflict interferes with team performance and reduces satisfaction due to an increase in tension and distraction from the objective (Brown, 1983 ; Hackman & Morris, 1975 ; Pondy, 1967 ; Wall & Callister, 1995 ). Jehn ( 1995 ) differentiated between task and relational conflict, and later also included process conflict (De Wit, Greer, & Jehn, 2012 ). Task conflict refers to different opinions on content (Jehn & Mannix, 2001 ). Examples of task conflict are conflict about distribution of resources, about procedures and policies, and judgment and interpretation of facts (De Dreu & Weingart, 2003 ). Process conflict refers to how tasks should be accomplished (Jehn, Greer, Levine, & Szulanski, 2008 ). Examples are disagreements about logistic and delegation issues (Jehn et al., 2008 ). Finally, relationship conflict refers to “interpersonal incompatibility” (Jehn, 1995 , p. 257). Examples of relationship conflict are conflict about personal taste, political preferences, values, and interpersonal style (De Dreu & Weingart, 2003 ). All three types of conflict—task, process, and personal (relational) conflicts—are usually disruptive, especially personal conflict, which is highly disruptive (De Dreu & Weingart, 2003 ; Jehn, 1995 , 1997 ). A review and meta-analysis by De Wit et al. ( 2012 ) showed that, under specific conditions, task conflict can be productive for teams. Moreover, conflict can wreck a team’s efforts to share information and reach a consensus (Amason & Schweiger, 1994 ). Therefore, research supporting the benefit of task and relationship conflict is not conclusive and each situation varies. What seems to be clear is that managing conflict efficiently to avoid escalation is a priority for teams.

Conflict Behavior, Conflict Management, and Conflict Resolution

Conflict behavior, conflict management, and conflict resolution are different layers of a conflict process and therefore should be distinguished. Conflict behavior is any behavioral response to the experience of frustration, while conflict management is the deliberate action to deal with conflictive situations, both to prevent or to escalate them. Also, conflict management is differentiated from conflict resolution, which is specific action aimed to end a conflict.

Conflict Behavior

Conflict behavior is the behavioral response to the experience of conflict (Van de Vliert et al., 1995 ). Conflict behavior is defined as one party’s reaction to the perception that one’s own and the other party’s current aspiration cannot be achieved simultaneously (Deutsch, 1973 ; Pruitt, 1981 ; Rubin, Pruitt, & Kim, 1994 ). It is both what people experiencing conflict intend to do, as well as what they actually do (De Dreu, Evers, Beersma, Kluwer, & Nauta, 2001 ; Van de Vliert, 1997 ). In conflict situations people often respond primarily, following their emotions, more or less conscientiously.

Many factors affect how people respond to the experience of conflict. Social psychology shows the processes are largely unconscious (Wilson, 2004 ). For example, how people respond to intimidating behavior by their supervisor might be primarily influenced by the context and individual perception, as well as previous relations with persons in authority, including parents and teachers (Gelfand & Brett, 2004 ; Van Kleef & Cote, 2007 ). These natural behavioral responses are also referred to as “conflict styles.” They are rooted in our personality and can differ in context. Some people will naturally respond by being friendly and accommodating, where others will start arguing or fighting (Barbuto, Phipps, & Xu, 2010 ; Kilmann & Thomas, 1977 ; Van Kleef & Cote, 2007 ).

Conflict behavior becomes more effective once we are more aware of our natural tendencies and are also able not to act upon them, and instead to show flexibility in behavioral approaches. This is where conflict behavior becomes conflict management. Therefore, one can be a naturally highly accommodating person who will spontaneously give in to others who make demands, but one will be more effective after learning to assess the situation at hand and to carefully decide on a response, which might be quite different from the natural or spontaneous reaction.

Dual-Concern Model

The dual-concern model holds that the way in which parties handle conflicts can de described and is determined by two concerns: concern for self (own interests) and concern for others (relational interests) (Blake & Mouton, 1964 ; Pruitt & Rubin, 1986 ; Rahim, 1983 ; Thomas, 1992 ; Van de Vliert, 1999 ) (see Figure 1 ). Usually, the two concerns define five different conflict behaviors: forcing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and problem solving or integrating. These behaviors are studied at the level of general personal conflict styles, closely connected to personality, as well as at the level of strategies and tactics (Euwema & Giebels, 2017 ).

The different conflict styles have been studied intensively, with three approaches. A normative approach, wherein integrating (also known as problem solving) is seen as the preferred behavior for conflict resolution; a contingency approach, exploring conditions under which each of the behaviors is most appropriate; and a conglomerate approach, focusing on a combination of the behaviors (see “ Conglomerate Conflict Behavior ”).

Figure 1. Dual-concern model.

In forcing, one party aims to achieve his or her goal by imposing a solution onto the other party. Concern for one’s own interests and own vision is what matters. There is little attention and care for the interests and needs of the other party, or the relationship with the other (Euwema & Giebels, 2017 ). This style is appropriate when the outcome is important for one party but trivial to the opponent, or when fast decision making is necessary. It becomes inappropriate when issues are complex, when both parties are equally powerful, when the outcome is not worth the effort for one party, or when there is enough time to make a collective decision. Moreover, forcing decisions can seriously damage a relationship and contribute to bullying in the workplace (Baillien, Bollen, Euwema, & De Witte, 2014 ); however, normative forcing, which is referring to rules and imposing them, can be effective (De Dreu, 2005 ). Note that some alternative terms that have been used for forcing in the literature are competitive , contending , or adversarial behavior .

With avoiding, one party aims to stay out of any confrontation with the other. This behavior prevents efforts to yield, to negotiate constructively, or to compete for one’s own gains. The conflict issue receives little attention, usually because the avoiding party thinks he or she won’t gain from entering into the conflict (Euwema & Giebels, 2017 ; Van de Vliert, 1997 ). Avoiding may be used when the benefits of resolving the conflict are not worth confronting the other party, especially when the problem is trivial or minor; when no good solutions are available for now; or when time is needed (Van Erp et al., 2011 ). An important motive for avoiding also is to prevent loss of face and to maintain the relationship. This is particularly true in collectivistic cultures, particularly in Asian societies (Oetzel et al., 2001 ). Avoiding is inappropriate when the issues are important to a party, when the parties cannot wait, or when immediate action is required (Rahim, 2002 ). Rubin, Pruitt, and Kim ( 1994 ) distinguished between long-term avoidance, which is a permanent move to leave the conflict, and short-term avoidance, defined as temporary inaction.

Accommodating

Accommodating is giving in or going along with the ideas, wishes, and needs of the other party. Accommodating usually is the result of a low concern for one’s own conflictive interests combined with a high concern for the interests and needs of the other party. Giving in often is related to a strong need for harmony and a sensitivity to the needs of the other. Accommodation is useful when a party is not familiar with the issues involved in the conflict, when the opponent is right, when the issue is much more important to the other party, and in order to build or maintain a long-term relationship, in exchange for future consideration when needed. Giving in also can be an educational strategy, giving space to the other to find out what the effect will be. Accommodating is less appropriate when the issue is of great concern, when accommodation creates frustration, or when accommodation reinforces dynamics of exploitation (Spaho, 2013 ). Note that an alternative term for this concept that can be found in the literature is yielding .

Compromising

Compromising involves searching for a middle ground, with an eye on both one’s own interest and the interest of the other. The premise is that both parties must find a middle ground where everyone receives equal consideration, meaning that each party makes some concession (Van de Vliert, 1997 ). Compromising is appropriate when a balance of forces exists and the goals of parties are mutually exclusive (Buddhodev, 2011 ). Compromise leads to a democratic solution; however, it may prevent arriving at a creative solution to the problem and a limited effort to increase resources before distributing them (Spaho, 2013 ).

Problem Solving or Integrating

Problem solving is a win–win strategy aimed at “optimizing rather than satisfying the parties” (Van de Vliert, 1997 , p. 36). Great value is attached to one’s own interests and vision, but also a lot of attention is given to the needs, ideas, and interests of the other. One looks for open and creative solutions that meet both interests. Problem solving or integrating is useful in dealing with complex issues, and it allows both parties to share skills, information, and other resources to redefine the problem and formulate alternative solutions. It is, however, inappropriate when the task is simple or trivial, and when there is no time. Also, it is more difficult to develop when the other party does not have experience in problem solving or when the parties are unconcerned about the outcomes (Pruitt & Rubin, 1986 ). Note that some alternative terms that can be found in the literature for this concept are cooperation and collaboration .

The dual-concern model is used as a contingency model, describing which conflict behaviors are used best under what conditions (Van de Vliert et al., 1997 ), and also as a normative model, promoting integrating behaviors as the most effective style, particularly when it comes to joined outcomes and long-term effectiveness. Forcing, in contrast, is often described as a noncooperative behavior, with risk of escalated and unilateral outcomes (Blake & Mouton, 1964 ; Burke, 1970 ; Deutsch, 1973 ; Fisher & Ury, 1981 ; Pruitt & Rubin, 1986 ; Rahim, 2010 ; Thomas, 1992 ). As a result, authors define forcing and integrating as two opposed behavioral approaches (Tjosvold, Morishima, & Belsheim, 1999 ). Following this model, many scholars during the 1970s and 1980s proposed that individuals use a single behavior in conflict, or that the behaviors should be seen as independent. Therefore, the antecedents and effects of different conflict behaviors are often analyzed separately (Tjosvold, 1997 ; Volkema & Bergmann, 2001 ). However, parties usually try to achieve personal outcomes, and try to reach mutual agreements by combining several behaviors in a conflict episode (Van de Vliert, 1997 ). This is the basic assumption of the conglomerate conflict behavior (CCB) theory (Van de Vliert, Euwema, & Huismans, 1995 ), which established that conflict behaviors are used in a compatible manner, sequentially or simultaneously.

Conglomerate Conflict Behavior (CCB)

In the dual-concern model, a contrast is made between forcing (contending with an adversary in a direct way) and integrating (reconciling the parties’ basic interests) as two opposed behavioral approaches (Tjosvold et al., 1999 ). However, the CCB framework assumes that individual reactions to conflict typically are complex and consist of multiple components of behavior (Van de Vliert, 1997 , Van de Vliert et al., 1995 ). The CCB theory covers the idea that behavioral components may occur simultaneously or sequentially and that the combination drives toward effectiveness (Euwema & Van Emmerik, 2007 ; Medina & Benitez, 2011 ). The theory has been supported in studies analyzing conflict management effectiveness in different contexts, such as in managerial behavior (Munduate, Ganaza, Peiro, & Euwema, 1999 ), in military peacekeeping (Euwema & Van Emmerik, 2007 ) and by worker representatives in organizations (Elgoibar, 2013 ).

The main reason that people combine different behaviors is because conflicts are often mixed-motive situations (Euwema, Van de Vliert, & Bakker, 2003 ; Euwema & Van Emmerik, 2007 ; Walton & McKersie, 1965 ). Mixed-motive situations are described as situations that pose a conflict between securing immediate benefits through competition, and pursuing benefits for oneself and others through cooperation with other people (Komorita & Parks, 1995 ; Sheldon & Fishbach, 2011 ). Therefore, a person's behavior in a conflict episode is viewed as a combination of some of the five forms of conflict behaviors. An example of sequential complex behavior is to first put the demands clearly (forcing), followed by integrating (searching for mutual gains, and expanding the pie), and finally compromising, where distributive issues are dealt with in a fair way. An example of serial complexity can be found in multi-issue conflict, when for some issues conflict can be avoided, while for high priorities, demands are put on the table in a forcing way. Another CCB pattern is the conglomeration of accommodating and forcing. This pattern is sometimes referred to as “logrolling” (Van de Vliert, 1997 , p. 35), and it is a classic part of integrative strategies, to maximize the outcomes for both parties. Logrolling behavior consists of accommodating the high-concern issues of the other party and forcing one’s own high-concern issues. This approach is usually helpful in multi-issue trade negotiations; however, it requires openness of both parties to acknowledging key interests.

How to Explore Your Tendency in Conflict

The most famous and popular conflict behavior questionnaires are:

MODE (Management of Differences Exercise). MODE, developed in 1974 by Thomas and Killman, presents 30 choices between two options representing different conflict styles.

ROCI (Rahim's Organizational Conflict Inventory). The ROCI is a list of 28 items that measures the five styles of conflict behavior described.

Dutch Test of Conflict Handling. This list of 20 items measures the degree of preference for the five styles (Van de Vliert & Euwema, 1994 ; De Dreu et al., 2001 , 2005 ). It has been validated internationally.

Conflict management is deliberate action to deal with conflictive situations, either to prevent or to escalate them. Unlike conflict behavior, conflict management encompasses cognitive responses to conflict situations, which can vary from highly competitive to highly cooperative. Conflict management does not necessarily involve avoidance, reduction, or termination of conflict. It involves designing effective strategies to minimize the dysfunctions of conflict and to enhance the constructive functions of conflict in order to improve team and organizational effectiveness (Rahim, 2002 ).

Conflicts are not necessarily destructive (De Dreu & Gelfand, 2008 ; Euwema, Munduate, Elgoibar, Pender, & Garcia, 2015 ), and research has shown that constructive conflict management is possible (Coleman, Deutsch, & Marcus, 2014 ). The benefits of conflict are much more likely to arise when conflicts are discussed openly, and when discussion skillfully promotes new ideas and generates creative insights and agreements (Coleman et al., 2014 ; De Dreu & Gelfand, 2008 ; Euwema et al., 2015 ; Tjosvold, Won, & Chen, 2014 ). To make a constructive experience from conflict, conflict needs to be managed effectively.

Deutsch’s classic theory of competition and cooperation describes the antecedents and consequences of parties’ cooperative or competitive orientations and allows insights into what can give rise to constructive or destructive conflict processes (Deutsch, 1973 , 2002 ). The core of the theory is the perceived interdependence of the parties, so that the extent that protagonists believe that their goals are cooperative (positively related) or competitive (negatively related) affects their interaction and thus the outcomes. Positive interdependence promotes openness, cooperative relations, and integrative problem solving. Perceived negative interdependence on the other hand, induces more distance and less openness, and promotes competitive behavior, resulting in distributive bargaining or win–lose outcomes (Tjosvold et al., 2014 ).

Whether the protagonists believe their goals are cooperative or competitive very much affects their expectations, interactions, and outcomes. If parties perceive that they can reach their goals only if the other party also reaches their goals, the goal interdependence is positively perceived and therefore parties will have higher concern for the other’s goals and manage the conflict cooperatively (De Dreu et al., 2001 ; Tjosvold et al., 2014 ). On the contrary, if one party perceives that they can reach their goals only if the other party fails to obtain their goals, the interdependence becomes negatively perceived and the approach to conflict becomes competitive (Tjosvold et al., 2014 ). Goals can also be independent; in that case, conflict can be avoided (the parties don’t need to obstruct each other’s goals to be successful). Therefore, how parties perceive their goals’ interdependence affects how they negotiate conflict and whether the conflict is constructively or destructively managed (Alper et al., 2000 ; Deutsch, 1973 ; Johnson & Johnson, 1989 ; Tjosvold, 2008 ).

Successfully managing conflict cooperatively requires intellectual, emotional, and relational capabilities in order to share information, to contribute to value creation, and to discuss differences constructively (Fisher & Ury, 1981 ; Tjosvold et al., 2014 ). In contrast, a competitive-destructive process leads to material losses and dissatisfaction, worsening relations between parties, and negative psychological effects on at least one party—the loser of a win–lose context (Deutsch, 2014 ).

Deutsch’s theory proposes that emphasizing cooperative goals in conflict by demonstrating a commitment to pursue mutually beneficial solutions creates high-quality resolutions and relationships, while focusing on competitive interests by pursuing one’s own goals at the expense of the other’s escalates conflict, resulting in imposed solutions and suspicious relationships (Tjosvold et al., 2014 ).

In summary, Deutsch’s theory states that the context in which the conflict process is expressed drives parties toward either a cooperative or a competitive orientation in conflicts (Alper et al., 2000 ; Deutsch, 2006 ; Johnson & Johnson, 1989 ). In other words, a cooperative context is related to a cooperative conflict pattern, and a competitive context is related to a competitive conflict pattern. When parties have a cooperative orientation toward conflict, parties discuss their differences with the objective of clarifying them and attempting to find a solution that is satisfactory to both parties—both parties win (Carnevale & Pruitt, 1992 ). On the contrary, in competition, there is usually a winner and a loser (Carnevale & Pruitt, 1992 ) (see Table 1 ). In the CCB model, the patterns can include cooperative (i.e., integrating) and competitive (i.e. forcing) behavior; however, the cooperative pattern will be dominated by integrating while the competitive pattern will be dominated by forcing (Elgoibar, 2013 ).

Table 1. Characteristics of Cooperative and Competitive Climates

Source : Coleman, Deutsch, and Marcus ( 2014 ).

How to Manage Conflicts Constructively

The need for trust.

Trust is commonly defined as a belief or expectation about others’ benevolent motives during a social interaction (Holmes & Rempel, 1989 ; Rousseau et al., 1998 ). Mutual trust is one important antecedent as well as a consequence of cooperation in conflicts (Deutsch, 1983 ; Ferrin, Bligh, & Kohles, 2008 ). As Nahapiet and Ghoshal pointed out, “Trust lubricates cooperation, and cooperation itself breeds trust” ( 1998 , p.255). There is ample evidence that constructive conflict and trust are tightly and positively related (Hempel, Zhang, & Tjosvold, 2009 ; Bijlsma & Koopman, 2003 ; Lewicki, Tonlinson, & Gillespie, 2006 ).

Successful constructive conflict management requires maximal gathering and exchange of information in order to identify problems and areas of mutual concern, to search for alternatives, to assess their implications, and to achieve openness about preferences in selecting optimal solutions (Bacon & Blyton, 2007 ; Johnson & Johnson, 1989 ; Tjosvold, 1999 ). Trust gives parties the confidence to be open with each other, knowing that the shared information won’t be used against them (Zaheer & Zaheer, 2006 ). Various studies revealed that trust leads to constructive conglomerate behaviors and to more integrative outcomes in interpersonal and intergroup conflicts (Lewicki, Elgoibar, & Euwema, 2016 ; Lewicki, McAllister, & Bies, 1998 ; Ross & LaCroix, 1996 ).

How can trust be promoted? Developing trust is challenging (Gunia, Brett, & Nandkeolyar, 2014 ; Hempel et al., 2009 ). Numerous scholars have noted that trust is easier to destroy than to create (Hempel et al., 2009 ; Meyerson et al., 1996 ). There are two main reasons for this assertion. First, trust-breaking events are often more visible and noticeable than positive trust-building actions (Kramer, 1999 ). Second, trust-breaking events are judged to have a higher impact on trust judgments than positive events (Slovic, 1993 ). Furthermore, Slovic ( 1993 ) concluded that trust-breaking events are more credible than sources of good news. Thus, the general belief is that trust is easier to destroy than it is to build, and trust rebuilding may take even longer than it took to create the original level of trust (Lewicki et al., 2016 ).

However, there is room for optimism, and different strategies have been shown to promote trust. As held in social exchange theory (Blau, 1964 ), risk taking by one party in supporting the other party has been found to signal trust to the other party (Serva et al., 2005 ). Yet, fears of exploitation make trust in conflict management and negotiation scarce. Therefore, the use of trust-promoting strategies depends on the specific situation, and parties need practical guidance on how and when to manage conflict constructively by means of promoting mutual trust.

How does the possibility of trust development between parties depend on the conflict context? Based on this practical question, some strategies for trust development have been proposed (Fisher & Ury, 1981 ; Fulmer & Gelfand, 2012 ; Gunia, Brett, & Nandkeolyar, 2012 ; Lewicki et al., 2016 ). In relationships where trust is likely, the following strategies can help: assume trustworthiness, prioritize your interests and give away a little information about them, engage in reciprocity (concessions), highlight similarities and spend time together, get to know your counterpart personally and try to be likable, behave consistently and predictably, and paraphrase your counterpart’s positions. In relationships where trust seems possible: emphasize common goals; focus on the subject, not on the people; look to the future and find a shared vision; mix questions and answers about interests and priorities—the fundamental elements of information sharing—with making and justifying offers; take a break; suggest another approach; call in a mediator; and forgive the other party’s mistakes. In relationships where trust is not possible, more cautious strategies can help: make multi-issue offers; think holistically about your counterpart’s interests; engage in reciprocity (concessions); express sympathy, apologize, or compliment your counterpart; and look for preference patterns in your counterpart’s offers and responses.

Constructive Controversy

C onstructive controversy is defined as the open-minded discussion of conflicting perspectives for mutual benefit, which occurs when protagonists express their opposing ideas that obstruct resolving the issues, at least temporarily (Tjosvold et al., 2014 ). Indicators of constructive controversy include listening carefully to each other’s opinion, trying to understand each other’s concerns, and using opposing views to understand the problem better. These skills are considered vitally important for developing and implementing cooperative problem-solving processes successfully and effectively.

Deutsch ( 2014 ) stated that there haven’t been many systematic discussions of the skills involved in constructive solutions to conflict, and he proposed three main types of skills for constructive conflict management:

Rapport-building skills are involved in establishing effective relationships between parties (such as breaking the ice; reducing fears, tensions, and suspicion; overcoming resistance to negotiation; and fostering realistic hope and optimism).

Cooperative conflict-resolution skills are concerned with developing and maintaining a cooperative conflict resolution process among the parties involved (such as identifying the type of conflict in which the parties are involved; reframing the issues so that conflict is perceived as a mutual problem to be resolved cooperatively; active listening and responsive communication; distinguishing between effective relationships between parties and positions; encouraging, supporting, and enhancing the parties; being alert to cultural differences and the possibilities of misunderstanding arising from them; and controlling anger).

Group process and decision-making skills are involved in developing a creative and productive process (such as monitoring progress toward group goals; eliciting, clarifying, coordinating, summarizing, and integrating the contributions of the various participants; and maintaining group cohesion).

Tjosvold et al. ( 2014 ) and Johnson et al. ( 2014 ) also elaborate on the skills needed for facilitating open-minded discussions and constructive controversy. They developed four mutually reinforcing strategies for managing conflict constructively:

Developing and expressing one’s own view. Parties need to know what each of the others wants and believes, and expressing one’s own needs, feelings, and ideas is essential to gaining that knowledge. By strengthening expression of their own positions, both parties can learn to investigate their position, present the best case they can for it, defend it vigorously, and try at the same time to refute opposing views. However, expressing one’s own position needs to be supplemented with an open-minded approach to the other’s position.

Questioning and understanding others’ views. Listening and understanding opposing views, as well as defending one’s own views, makes discussing conflicts more challenging but also more rewarding; therefore, the parties can point out weaknesses in each other’s arguments to encourage better development and expression of positions by finding more evidence and strengthening their reasoning.

Integrating and creating solutions. The creation of new alternatives lays the foundation for genuine agreements about a solution that both parties can accept and implement. However, protagonists may have to engage in repeated discussion to reach an agreement, or indeed they may be unable to create a solution that is mutually acceptable, and then they can both learn to become less adamant, to exchange views directly, and to show that they are trying to understand and integrate each other’s ideas so that all may benefit.

Agreeing to and implementing solutions. Parties can learn to seek the best reasoned judgment, instead of focusing on “winning”; to criticize ideas, not people; to listen and understand everyone’s position, even if they do not agree with it; to differentiate positions before trying to integrate them; and to change their minds when logically persuaded to do so.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution processes are aimed at ending a conflict. So, while conflict management can also include escalation, conflict resolution searches for a way of ending the conflict. The difference between resolution and management of conflict is more than semantic (Robbins, 1978 ). Conflict resolution means reduction, elimination, or termination of conflict.

To find a resolution, parties have to bring an extra piece of information, relate the information they have differently, or transform the issue, change the rules, change the actors or the structure, or bring in a third party (Vayrynen, 1991 ). The most popular conflict resolution processes are: negotiation, mediation, conflict coaching, and arbitration (Rahim, 2002 ). Conflict resolution can also be accomplished by ruling by authorities. Integration of the different techniques sequentially or simultaneously has been shown to support optimal conflict resolution (Jones, 2016 ).

Negotiation

Negotiation is a process in which the parties attempt to jointly create an agreement that resolves a conflict between them (Lewicki & Tomlinson, 2014 ). Walton and McKersie ( 1965 ) were the first to identify the two polar yet interdependent strategies known as distributive and integrative negotiation. Distributive negotiation means that activities are instrumental to the attainment of one party’s goals when they are in basic conflict with those of the other party. Integrative negotiation means that parties’ activities are oriented to find common or complementary interests and to solve problems confronting both parties. Other scholars also focused on the opposite tactical requirements of the two strategies, using a variety of terms, such as contending versus cooperating (Pruitt, 1981 ), claiming value versus creating value (Lax & Sebenius, 1987 ), and the difference between positions and interests (Fisher & Ury, 1981 ).

If a distributive strategy is pursued too vigorously, a negotiator may gain a greater share of gains, but of a smaller set of joint gains, or, worse, may generate an outcome in which both parties lose. However, if a negotiator pursues an integrative negotiation in a single-minded manner—being totally cooperative and giving freely accurate and credible information about his/her interests—he or she can be taken advantage of by the other party (Walton & McKersie, 1965 ). The different proposals that have been formulated to cope with these central dilemmas in negotiation are mainly based on a back-and-forth communication process between the parties, which is linked to the negotiators’ interpersonal skills (Brett, Shapiro, & Lytle, 1998 ; Fisher & Ury, 1981 ; Rubin et al., 1994 ).

Mediation is process by which a third party facilitates constructive communication among disputants, including decision making, problem solving and negotiation, in order to reach a mutually acceptable agreement (Bollen, Munduate, & Euwema, 2016 ; Goldman, Cropanzano, Stein, & Benson, 2008 ; Moore, 2014 ). Using mediation in conflict resolution has been proven to prevent the negative consequences of conflict in the workplace (Bollen & Euwema, 2010 ; Bollen et al., 2016 ), in collective bargaining (Martinez-Pecino et al., 2008 ), in inter- and intragroup relations (Jones, 2016 ), and in interpersonal relations (Herrman, 2006 ). However, mediation is not a magic bullet and works better in conflicts that are moderate rather than extreme, when parties are motivated to resolve the conflict, and when parties have equal power, among other characteristics (Kressel, 2014 ).

Conflict Coaching

Conflict coaching is a new and rapidly growing process in the public as well as private sector (Brinkert, 2016 ). In this process, a conflict coach works with a party to accomplish three goals (Jones & Brinkert, 2008 ): (a) analysis and coherent understanding of the conflict, (b) identification of a future preferred direction, and (c) skills development to implement the preferred strategy. Therefore, a conflict coach is defined as a conflict expert who respects the other party’s self-determination and aims to promote the well-being of the parties involved. Giebels and Janssen ( 2005 ) found that, when outside help was called in, parties in conflict experienced fewer negative consequences in terms of individual well-being than people who did not ask for third-party help.

Sometimes, the leader of a team can act as conflict coach. A study by Romer and colleagues ( 2012 ) showed that a workplace leader’s problem-solving approach to conflicts increased employees’ perception of justice and their sense that they had a voice in their workplace, as well as reduced employees’ stress (De Reuver & Van Woerkom, 2010 ; Romer et al., 2012 ). In contrast, the direct expression of power in the form of forcing behavior can harm employees’ well-being (Peterson & Harvey, 2009 ). A forcing leader may become an additional party to the conflict (i.e., employees may turn against their leader; Romer et al, 2012 ).

Conflict coaching and mediation are different processes. First, in conflict coaching, only one party is involved in the process, while in mediation, the mediator helps all the parties in conflict to engage in constructive interaction. Second, conflict coaching focuses on direct skills instructions to the party (i.e., negotiation skills). In that, conflict coaching is also a leadership development tool (Romer et al., 2012 ). There is a growing tendency to integrate conflict coaching and workplace mediation, particularly in preparation for conflict resolution, because the coach can help the coached party to investigate options and weigh the advantages of the different options (Jones, 2016 ).

Arbitration

Arbitration is an institutionalized procedure in which a third party provides a final and binding or voluntary decision (Lewicki, Saunders, & Barry, 2014 ; Mohr & Spekman, 1994 ). Arbitration allows the parties to have control over the process, but not over the outcomes. Therefore, arbitration differs from negotiation, mediation, and conflict coaching, in which the parties decide the agreement themselves (Posthuma & Dworkin, 2000 ; Lewicki et al., 2014 ). In arbitration, the third party listens to the parties and decides the outcome. This procedure is used mainly in conflicts between organizations, in commercial disputes, and in collective labor conflicts (Beechey, 2000 ; Elkouri & Elkouri, 1995 ).

Decision Making by Authorities

The strategies of negotiation, mediation, conflict coaching, and arbitration have in common that the parties together decide about the conflict process, even when they agree to accept an arbitration. This is different from how authorities resolve conflict. Decision making by authorities varies from parents’ intervening in children’s fights to rulings by teachers, police officers, managers, complaint officers, ombudsmen, and judges. Here, often one party complains and the authority acts to intervene and end the conflict. This strategy is good for ending physical violence and misuse of power. However, the authorities’ decisive power is limited, and therefore in most situations authorities are strongly urged to first explore the potential for conflict resolution and reconciliation among the parties involved. The authority can act as an escalator for the process, or as a facilitator, and only in cases of immediate threat can intervene or rule as a last resort. Authorities who employ this strategy can improve the learning skills of the parties and can impose upon the parties an acceptance of responsibility, both for the conflict and for the ways to end it.

It is important to emphasize the natural and positive aspects of conflict management. Conflict occurs in all areas of organizations and private lives and its management is vital for their effectiveness. Through conflict, conventional thinking is challenged, threats and opportunities are identified, and new solutions are forged (Tjosvold et al., 2014 ). Therefore, when conflict occurs, it shouldn’t be avoided but should be managed constructively.

Further Reading

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• Van Kleef, G. A. , & Cote, S. (2007). Expressing anger in conflict: When it helps and when it hurts. Journal of Applied Psychology , 92 (6), 1557–1569.
• Vayrynen, R. (1991). New Directions in Conflict Theory . London: SAGE.
• Volkema, R. J. , & Bergmann, T. J. (2001). Conflict styles as indicators of behavioral patterns in interpersonal conflicts. The Journal of Social Psychology , 135 (1), 5–15.
• Walton, R. E. , & McKersie, R. B. (1965). A behavioral theory of labor negotiations: An analysis of a social interaction system . Cornell University Press.
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• Zaheer, S. , & Zaheer, A. (2006). Trust across borders. Journal of International Business Studies , 37 (1), 21–29.

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Managing Conflict Resolution Effectively

How to set boundaries and act assertively in conflict..

Posted January 11, 2024 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• Assertiveness and boundaries are a powerful combination for managing conflict.
• When you are being nonjudgmental and cultivating compassion, collaboration increases.
• Practice active listening to understand your partner while finding common ground.

Conflict resolution is a way for two or more parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. When a dispute arises, often the best course of action is assertive communication that resolves the disagreement while maintaining a respectful relationship.

When conflicts are managed constructively, it can help build trust in relationships. Respectfully, directly, and openly discussing opposing perspectives and resolving conflicts collaboratively can create a sense of unity, shared purpose, and mutual respect within the relationship.

Assertiveness and boundaries are essential skills for managing conflict in any situation. Whether it is at work, in your relationships, or in your team, you need to be able to express your feelings, thoughts, needs, and opinions respectfully and confidently.

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is a style of communication based on honesty, respect, and confidence . Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings and thoughts openly and to directly defend your rights while respecting the rights of others. It is about taking care of your own needs and wants while considering the needs and wants of others. It is the ability to take responsibility without being controlling. Assertiveness is the balanced space between surrender and aggressiveness. It is not about overpowering or dominating, but rather about finding balance, harmony, and mutual understanding.

Why is assertive communication important for dealing with conflict?

Assertive communication is an essential skill for conflict resolution, as it enables you to express your needs in a respectful manner while also collaboratively resolving your disagreement with your partner. Assertiveness helps build trust and rapport with your partner, empowering your partner while enhancing your self-esteem and confidence. In addition, assertive communication minimizes stress , while ensuring your rights and boundaries are respected.

Assertive communication is important because it ensures that you deliver your points in a constructive way—respectful, clear, direct, and kind. When you communicate in that manner, it will naturally help diffuse the conflict, establish healthy boundaries, and also prevent any issue from escalating.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits and rules you set for yourself and others in your interactions. They reflect your values, preferences, and expectations and help you define what is acceptable or unacceptable for you. Boundaries help individuals establish limits and protect their emotional and physical well-being. Without boundaries, individuals may not feel safe or secure in their relationships or environments.

Set healthy boundaries

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with others is a skill you can learn and practice. To do so, identify your boundaries—what you want and need, what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable, and your non-negotiables. Then communicate them clearly, directly, and respectfully to others. Be consistent and firm, but also flexible and open to feedback. If someone crosses or violates your boundaries, let them know how you feel and what you expect. Take action to protect yourself if they persist or disrespect your boundaries. Lastly, respect the boundaries of others. Ask for permission, listen to their cues, and accept their “no” without judgment, pressure, or manipulation.

Integrate assertiveness and boundaries to resolve conflict

Handling conflict with boundaries and assertiveness is not always easy, but it is achievable and beneficial. To do so, identify your state of mind, feelings, and needs, and prepare your statements. Choose an appropriate time and location to have a discussion about the conflict and make sure that both parties are ready and willing to converse. During the talk, objectively focus on the issue rather than the person. Avoid personal attacks, put down, or allegations, and use “I” statements to express your perspective. Stay calm and listen with curiosity to understand your partner while finding common ground. Respect both of your boundaries and rights while being willing to compromise and negotiate. Stay open-minded and make sure you maintain a caring relationship with your partner regardless of conflict and its outcome. Finally, thank the other person for their time and effort, summarizing what you agreed upon, expressing appreciation, and hoping for a stronger relationship and a bright future.

Practice active listening

To identify the source of the conflict, you have to pay attention and listen carefully. To listen actively, make sure you understand your partner and paraphrase the other party's points.

Pay attention to nonverbal signals and use appropriate body language , such as nodding your head, to show interest and to clarify that you're following them.

Listen without interruption to what the other person has to say. Aspire to be objective and clear. Then, ask questions to make sure each side understands what the other person thinks, feels, and wants.

Do that before speaking

Before you communicate, ask yourself the following questions about what you wish to say:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it useful?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it going to land well?
• Is this the right time to say it?

If one of the answers is no, consider not saying it. In these moments, silence is more productive than words. Be patient and once you find the time when the answers to these questions are yes, this is the time to speak.

7 steps for better conflict resolution

• Define the source of the conflict. Take your time to reveal the true needs of each party. The greater knowledge you have about the cause of the problem, the more easily you can resolve it.
• Find a common goal. Make similarities the starting point of finding a creative solution. Be open and curious to continually find common ground throughout the entire conflict resolution process.
• Establish safety. Creative conflict resolution requires that all parties feel safe enough to not only share what they need but to challenge each other's ideas without emotional escalation.
• Recognize your part. Be accountable and objectively assess your share in the conflict. Acknowledge your role in the problem and take responsibility for it.
• Empathize with your partner. Demonstrate to your partner that you understand their side while considering it. When you are being non-judgmental and cultivate compassion the fear of losing diminishes and collaboration increases.
• Review options. Remind yourself of your positive intention and what you want to achieve before you start the discussion. Be creative and discuss possible options while looking for solutions that benefit all parties.
• Discover a win-win solution. This is the ultimate goal—to agree on an option that benefits both sides to some extent. When one party wins and another party loses, the outcome does not resolve the underlying causes of the conflict.

Conflicts and disagreements are unavoidable. It is important to realize that the benefits of conflict resolution extend beyond resolving disagreements, contributing significantly to personal growth, emotional well-being, and healthy relationships.

Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT, is a psychotherapist and executive coach in NYC. He specializes in personal and professional development, anger management, emotional intelligence, infidelity issues, and couples and marriage therapy.

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The Definitive Guide to Conflict Resolution In Work & Life

Being able to resolve the conflict in our lives is vital – yet it is something we often aren’t trained in.

When you handle conflict well, it resolves issues, builds relationships, and gives you greater peace of mind.

When you handle it poorly, it can make problems worse, create extra stress, and hurt the relationships you care about.

Thankfully, conflict resolution is a skill that we can learn – and that is what this guide is about. This guide will teach you what you need to know to handle conflict in your life.

This doesn’t mean it will always be easy when conflict enters your life, but you will have the tools to do so effectively.

Before we start, there is one fact I need to mention:

Conflict in itself is not bad. 

There are always going to be disagreements. There will always be times when we each come with different viewpoints.

And that’s okay.

It’s how you manage the conflict that matters. 

In this guide, we will cover the conflict resolution strategies, techniques,  skills, and steps that you need to take to manage conflict in your life, whether at work, at home, or in everyday life.

Table of Contents

The importance of resolving conflict well, how we do it wrong, the basics of conflict resolution, the power of listening.

How to Receive Feedback and Criticism

How to Confront Others

Problem solving and solution finding.

In this section, we will discuss the negative consequences that happen when we  handle conflict poorly  as well as the benefits it brings when we resolve conflict well.

The consequences of handling conflict poorly

The danger of silence..

For many of us, when conflict or disagreement comes up, we stay silent. We try to “keep the peace” or hope things will just get better.

That can make matters worse.

When we don’t  speak up , we are giving others tacit approval for that behavior. And people can take advantage of us.

For example, if your kids come home after curfew, and you don’t say anything, by not saying anything you are telling your kids that that behavior is okay.

Or if someone keeps taking your stuff off your desk at work, and you don’t say anything, you are giving them tacit approval and letting them take advantage of you. In fact, they may feel emboldened to do more.

Problems often get worse

When we don’t speak up, problems often grow and get worse. What originally was a small issue has now become a large issue.

And, when you do say something, it makes it even harder because you waited so long to do so.

It hurts your health

When we don’t resolve conflict well or in the right way, it hurts our health .

For one, it can cause extra stress, which adds negative effects in itself.

Poorly handled conflict and built-up, unspoken issues can lead to depression.

Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Bloomberg, in their book  Fighting For Your Marriage , said that:

“poorly handled marital conflict has negative effects on the functioning of the cardiovascular, immune, and endocrine systems.”

It hurts your kids

Not only can resolving conflict poorly hurt you, but it can also  hurt your kids  as well.

Dr. John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work ,  says that children who are “raised in homes where there was great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones compared with the other children studied.”

Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, in Fighting For Your Marriage, said that there are “strong links between parents’ conflict and adjustment problems for children” and that “kids become more sad, angry, and fearful when regularly exposed to destructively handled conflict.”

Not only that, but children often emulate what their parents do with their peers.

It hurts relationships

Poorly handled conflict can also destroy relationships.

So many marriages have been destroyed because the couple did not know how to deal with conflict.

Friendships can be destroyed. Relationships at work can be tense and harmful because people do not know the effective ways to resolve conflict.

It can hurt businesses

Not only does poorly handled conflict hurt relationships,  but it can also hurt businesses .

Poorly handled conflict at work hurts productivity. It damages company culture and morale. It increases turnover. It leads to poor decision-making.

And, ultimately for the business, it  leads to lower revenue .

The benefits of effective conflict resolution

While there are many negatives that come from handling conflict poorly, there are also many benefits to resolving conflict  well.

It establishes good boundaries

When you speak up and handle conflict well, it keeps people from taking advantage of you.

It establishes good boundaries with other people and lets them know what behaviors you will and won’t allow.

It also helps keep you from taking on too much because you now say “no” when you need to say “no”.

It improves relationships

Appropriately resolved conflict can  improve your relationships  in many ways.

First, as mentioned before, you have better boundaries.

You also get to learn more and dig deeper into people’s lives. When you listen  instead of arguing , you gain a better understanding of the person, and that leads to a deeper relationship.

It improves communication with the other person as well as better problem-solving and solution-finding.

It shows people that you care about them

If someone comes to you about an issue and you take the time to listen instead of getting defensive, that shows you value their input.

When you take the time and effort to confront someone about a behavior or issue that is hurting them, that shows care. You are risking them getting mad at you because you love and care about them enough to say something.

All too often people stay silent, assume someone else will tell them, or assume they already know. It shows a lot of care to be willing to confront them in order to help them.

Better Health

It also reduces stress and leads to better overall health. It leads to more happiness and joy in your life.

It also helps you grow as a person.

When you take the time to listen and learn, you gain perspectives you never had before and grow as a person.

When you listen instead of being defensive, you can learn about your negative habits and behaviors that you may not see and can change to be a better person.

Confident kids

It also leads to more confident kids.

When they see you and your spouse resolving conflict well, it teaches them skills they can apply on their own. It also helps them become more confident and emotionally healthy kids.

It helps businesses

Healthy conflict resolution in the workplace can increase productivity, increase morale, improve company culture, produce better decision-making, and increase revenue.

When people are free to disagree with each other without spite or negative repercussions, it leads to better decisions, better planning, and better direction for the company.

In this section, we will discuss the many ways we often do it wrong. Sadly, many of these behaviors are the “normal” that we often see in relationships.

By recognizing them in ourselves, we can begin to change them.

We stay silent

One of the biggest ways we often do it wrong is that we never speak up in the first place.

We stay silent and let people run over us. Or we stay silent and “assume” the other person knows or should know.

Cold shoulder

Then, instead of speaking up, we start giving a cold shoulder to the person. We avoid or act differently toward someone, expecting them to know “why” we are acting that way.

Sarcasm and hit-and-runs

Other times we may just give sarcastic comments to the person. We don’t speak up, but we show it with small sarcastic comments here and there.

Or we do hit-and-run comments, such as “wow, you finally  learned where the hole for the gas tank is” or  “forget  where the hamper is  again ?”.

Holding till exploding

Other times we will hold until we explode.

We will let all the negative behaviors build up without us saying anything. We are “keeping the peace”.

Then, as the anger builds up, we will reach a breaking point and explode on the person. We let the other person have it. Then, often, we may feel guilty and go back to silence.

We gunnysack problems

Or maybe we will just collect all the negatives that someone does and “put it in a gunnysack”.

Instead of speaking up, we just stay silent and remember everything that they did (or assume that they did).

Then, maybe when they bring something up or we get to a certain point, we let them have it. We list off everything bad that they have done over the past who-knows-how-long.

We beat around the bush (we are indirect)

Other times we may be indirect with someone.

Instead of saying it straight, we hint at it or say it as a joke. Then, we expect the other person to “get it” and get upset when they don’t.

We avoid or withdraw

Other times we may just completely refuse to speak.

We may avoid the issue by just being silent. We may physically walk away.

While that may prevent an argument right then and there, in the long run, it makes the conflict worse and hurts the relationship.

(It’s okay to walk from it for safety or because you know you are too angry to have the conversation; however, never dealing with the issue is what is not okay.)

Or we decided to punish the other person. We may try to get at them somehow. We may do the opposite of what they requested or make blatant negative facial expressions and body language.

We take it out on someone else

Sometimes we may not say anything to the person who we have an issue with, but we’ll let the anger build and take it out on others around us.

Have you ever snapped at someone for something that wasn’t a big deal; you were just upset at something else but took it out on them?

We “speak up” poorly

While staying silent and its many cousins can be harmful, so is when we speak up, but do it poorly.

Arguing to win

One reason many arguments turn out so badly is that the focus of the “discussion” is not to understand or resolve the issue. The focus is on winning. And that’s a problem.

When you focus on winning an argument, even if you win, you lose. You may have “won” the argument, but you hurt the relationship.

And all too often, even if you “win”, with that mentality, the person likely didn’t even change their mind. They just became more entrenched in their viewpoint.

We state assumptions as facts

Facts are the facts of what happened. That person pulled in front of you. Johnny didn’t clean up his mess.

Assumptions are generally the reason why we assumed it happened. That person is a selfish jerk. Johnny doesn’t care about helping out around the house.

It is so easy for us to assume the intentions, the “why”, of what someone did, and state them as facts.

And generally, as humans, we usually assume the negative of others.

Another way that we may handle conflict poorly is that we lay blame on the other person and hold ourselves as innocent.

We blame them for the issue and don’t take any responsibility for ourselves.

We attack the person, not the issue

Instead of dealing with the issue at hand, we attack the person. Instead of dealing with the fact of what happened (the report was not done correctly), we attack the person with our assumptions (lazy, incompetent, etc.).

We don’t do it in person

Instead of doing it face to face, we may say something over an email or text message or on social media.

Unfortunately, that’s incredibly ineffective.

Doing that is ripe for miscommunication, and people often feel more inclined to say things they normally wouldn’t (and in ways they normally wouldn’t) behind a screen than when they talk to someone face to face.

We don’t do it in private

Married couples may argue in front of their kids.

People at work may argue in front of everyone else. Or you may bring up an issue with someone in front of other people who have no business knowing about it.

That’s not right. It always should be done in private (with only those who need to be there).

We involve others that don’t need to be involved

Too many times we involve others who have no business being in that business.

One common way is gossip.

When you talk negatively about someone behind their back, especially if it’s just a rumor (even if you got it from a “good source”), that’s gossip. And that’s a deadly poison.

Other times we may build allies to our point of view and “war” against the other person. That brings much disunity.

Other times we may triangulate. We will go to a third party to resolve the issue for us instead of just going to the person to get it resolved.

(This doesn’t mean there’s never a reason to go to a third party for mediation for help, but many times people do it to play the victim and to have someone else solve the issue for them.)

Sometimes we verbally attack the other person when we have a disagreement.

We may be nasty or use sarcastic negative comments. We may name call or label or criticize them.

We may public publicly assassinate the person in front of other people.

We escalate

Arguments can easily escalate. When one person starts being negative, the other person ups the ante and attacks even harder. And then it goes up. And up.

Pretty soon, everyone’s moved from resolving an issue to hurting one another.

We exaggerate

It can be easy to exaggerate others’ behaviors (and diminish ours). We may even use extremes such as “you ALWAYS do this” and “NEVER do that”.

We belittle, patronize, or show contempt

We put ourselves in a position of superiority above the other person. We belittle them and their ideas. We may give them a patronizing smile and treat them, their viewpoint, and their feelings as unimportant and stupid.

Taking things personally

Sometimes we take things personally when we shouldn’t.

We assume that some things are about us or against us when they aren’t.

Or we just take a critique about something we do or about us as an attack on our character instead of seeing it as an action or a skill that we can improve on.

We get defensive

When someone comes to us about an issue, we can easily get defensive.

We argue against it or cast blame back on the person or on someone or something else. We don’t take the time to actually listen and understand.

We get worked up over nothing

Sometimes we can get worked up over nothing. We blow things out of proportion and exaggerate it. We assume the feedback we received is way worse than it really is.

In this section, we will cover a little about us as humans and go over some of the basics of handling and resolving conflict.

A little about us as humans

We all come into the situation with a “going-in” story

We all come into a situation with what Howard Guttman in  When Goliaths Clash  calls a “going-in story”.

We all have past experiences, different beliefs, and different viewpoints. We all have different backgrounds and different personalities.

When we go into a situation, we bring all of that with us. We may see a different part of the issue (we have different data). We may interpret the situation differently because of our going-in story.

Why is this important?

It can be easy to assume sometimes that our perspective is the  only  perspective. But sometimes we don’t see the whole puzzle.

Sometimes things aren’t as black and white. Sometimes a situation can have different interpretations.

If we take the time to listen and understand versus viewing our interpretation as the only right one, we will go through the process a lot better.

Blind spots

We all have blind spots. We often do not see our blind spots – hence the name.

We generally do not see our body language or hear the tone we use. We can sometimes use a tone and body language that can come across as negative toward other people, and we don’t even realize it.

It’s important to watch for our blind spots. If people are responding negatively to how we come across, you might want to examine yourself.

Asking others how you come across can help.

We all tell stories

When we react to a situation, it’s usually not to the situation or event itself but to the story that we tell about that situation.

For example, you’re driving down the road, someone cuts in front of you, and you react negatively toward that person.

Fact:  Someone pulled in front of you. Story:  That person is just being rude and is a jerk.

If you knew the person was trying to get to the hospital before their child died, would you still react negatively and in the same way? Or might you actually slow down and let them in?

You see, we react to the story we tell about the person, not the event itself.

We constantly tell ourselves stories. We make assumptions about people and their intentions. And we react to those.

And as humans, we usually assume the negative about people. If you want to change your response, change your story.

Assume the best intentions instead of the worst. Ask, “why would a normal, rational person say or do this?”

And when you want to resolve an issue with someone, separate the facts of the situation from the story you tell. Don’t state the story as fact, but as what it is, an assumption.

Confirmation bias

Confirmation bias is when we believe something about someone or a situation, and we look for evidence that confirms our beliefs and disregards the evidence contrary to it.

It’s something that we often do without thinking about it. And it can be dangerous.

It can be incredibly easy to be swept away by our negative assumptions and find everything around us to prove it.

Be careful about that.

It’s important to watch for confirmation bias in conflict. If we are constantly assuming the negative about someone, we’re going to look for the negative and find things to confirm why we think the negative.

Instead, assume the positive and look for it. Give the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean you disregard issues or ignore them, but, generally, you do get what you expect.

The goal of conflict resolution

What is the goal of conflict resolution?

It’s not to win, prove yourself right, or prove the other person wrong. If you do that, you’ve already lost.

The goal ( in most cases ) is for each person to listen and understand the other person’s perspective and position and then work together to come to a solution that satisfies everyone involved.

In some cases, you are dealing with negative, abusive, or toxic behavior. In those cases, you may just have to set up boundaries or do disciplinary action.

You may also need to get outside help.

Get yourself right

Check your motives. Why do you want to have this conversation? What’s your purpose?

If it’s to prove yourself right, to prove the other person wrong, or to “win”, you’ve already lost.

Is it to better the relationship, to avert a disastrous decision at work, or to make the situation better for everyone?

Find your purpose and focus on it during the conversation.

It can be easy to lose focus when emotions get high and to start focusing on proving your point or winning than pursuing your original purpose.

Always keep your purpose in mind.

Also, sort through the facts and your feelings.

What happened? How did it make you feel? Why do you feel that way? What are the facts and what are your assumptions about the situation?

Speak up in a timely fashion

We discussed earlier the dangers of being silent. The longer you wait, the harder it is to have the conversation and the worse the situation can get.

It can also be unfair to the other person who thinks they are doing something okay and was never told it wasn’t.

Don’t wait and let the issue build. Resolve it in a timely manner, as soon as you can (but not when you are angry or in a very emotional state).

Be respectful

Always be respectful. Always treat others as you would like to be treated.

Never belittle, patronize, insult or put down the other person. Always treat each other’s opinions, viewpoints, and feelings with respect, even if you disagree.

You would want others to do the same for you.

Deal with the right issue at the right time and at the right place with the right person.

The right issue.

Make sure you’re dealing with the right issue. It can be easy to focus on the surface-level problems and not deal with the real issue at hand or focus on a smaller aspect of it because you are afraid to deal with the real issue.

If someone is frequently late to work and interrupts other people when they come in, talking to them about not interrupting people will not solve the real issue, that they are constantly late.

Also, if there are multiple issues needed to be addressed, make sure you deal with the most important issue first (generally).

At the right time

Make sure it’s at the right time. When someone is stressed, frustrated or angry, or even right when someone gets home from work or right before bedtime is generally not a good time.

Make sure you both are in a good emotional state where you can have the discussion.

At the right place

Make sure it’s the right place. What is the right place?

In private.

And when you have the conversation, try not to have objects between you and the person (such as tables and chairs). Those create barriers.

Also, depending on the person and situation, sit beside or at an angle to the person versus directly opposite. It will give more of the impression of you working together versus being in opposition toward one another.

With the right person

Make sure it’s with the right person. Don’t involve someone who’s not involved or who can do nothing about the situation. Go to the person you have the issue with and deal with it.

If that doesn’t work, you can take it to another level (such as at work).

If it’s in a relationship, depending on the issue, you may get extra help from someone, just learn to live with it,  set boundaries, or you may need to cut off the person (such as if they are toxic or abusive).

Deal with one issue at a time

Sometimes there are multiple issues that need to be dealt with. Stick with one issue at a time.

Separate assumptions from facts

Make sure to separate assumptions from facts. Know what the facts are and what your assumptions are.

When you go into a conversation, make sure to state assumptions as they are, as assumptions, not facts.

Assume the best

It can be easy to assume the worst in someone and assume the worst intentions.

Instead, assume the best.

Make the situation safe

According to Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny in their book  Crucial Conversations , it’s important to make the situation safe.

In this context, safe doesn’t mean physically safe (though it should be).

What it means is that the other person should feel safe talking to you without judgment, criticism, or false motives.

Often people get defensive and don’t listen because they think the other person has negative motives or that they are being critical or judging them. Make it safe for them.

You can do this by:

• Apologize – if you have contributed to the problem, apologize for your part in it.
• Contrast – Let the person know what you aren’t intending or implying by what you are saying
• Find a mutual purpose – find a purpose that you both can agree on to pursue during the conversation.

Have a team mentality

Too often disagreements turn to a “you versus me” mentality. Change that into a team mentality.

Instead of working against each other and seeing each other as the enemy, see the other person as an ally, a teammate, working together to resolve the issue.

You are taking the different perspectives, putting them together, and coming to a resolution that (in most cases) is agreeable to everyone involved.

Dr. John Gottman in  the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  says that research tells us that when a conversation starts harshly, it will inevitably end on a negative note.

Make sure you start the conversation off respectfully and calmly. Don’t attack, accuse, or belittle.

We will discuss how exactly to give the message in the coming section.

Focus on the issue, not the person

Focus on dealing with the issue, not attacking the person.

Attacking the person will just bring defensiveness. If you focus on the issue instead, you are much more likely to be able to work together to resolve it.

Watch for switchtrack conversations

Douglas Stone and Sheila Henn in their book  Thanks for the Feedback , say that it’s important to watch for switchtrack conversations.

Switchtrack conversations happen when two people start arguing, but they are arguing about two different issues.

An example is if you complain about your spouse not putting the clothes in the hamper. Your spouse comes back and says that he or she has been doing that all week and even cleaned up something else that they normally don’t do and that you don’t show appreciation for what they did.

So tell me, are you arguing over the same thing? Are you both arguing about clothes not being in the hamper?

No. Your issues are clothes not being in the hamper. Your spouse, on the other hand, is discussing the issue of not being appreciated for what he or she does.

Two different issues. Two different conversations.

Watch for switchtrack conversations.

When it happens, say something like “I think we are discussing two different issues here. Let’s talk about you not feeling appreciated first, and then afterward let’s talk about the clothes on the floor. ”

Take a timeout when needed

Sometimes emotions can get high and the disagreement can start to escalate to insults or attacks. Before that happens, call “timeout”.

If you see that you or the other person is starting to get angry, call a pause to the conversation and suggest meeting at a later time.

Accept feelings as real

Accept your feelings as legitimate and real, because they are. They are how you feel.

At the same time, accept others’ feelings the same way. You may not agree with it, but they are feeling it.

You can’t argue against feelings.

Use “And” instead of “But”

Too often, when we give feedback, we say something nice, then throw the word “but” in it.

“I love you, but…”

“You did a good job, but…”

Or even, “I don’t really want to say this, but….” (yes you do).

The “but” takes away from the positive that you just said. In the first instance, you are saying what you are about to say isn’t loving!

Use “and” instead.

“I love you, and if you keep drinking like this, it could kill you.”

“I think you did a great job, and if you would just do a second proofreading, it would be even better.”

Focus only on what you can control

The fact is, you can’t make other people change.

You can’t control other people’s behavior. You can’t make other people listen.

What you can control, however, is you. You can control yourself.

You can control how you come across in the discussion. You can control how you react.

You can control what you do if the other person doesn’t listen.

Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. You can’t control the other person, so don’t focus on that. Instead, focus on how you will react based on what they say or do.

Set ground rules

In some cases (such as in a marriage or work), you can set ground rules on how you will deal with conflict.

Rules such as when conflict can and will be brought up, how it will be brought up, how you will do the discussion, who to take it to if you don’t come to a solution, rules about sharing with those not involved, rules about timeouts, and so on.

Setting ground rules can provide safety for the conversations and help each other open up.

Listening is a powerful tool for improving relationships and resolving conflict.  The first goal of most conversations is for each party to understand the other, and you do that by listening.

Why it’s important

Having the ability to listen well is important for numerous reasons.

First, you want to be heard. You want to share your viewpoint. One of the best ways to get the other person to hear you out is to hear them out first.

If you interrupt, argue, or just don’t listen, they are not likely to take the time to listen to you.

It also leads to greater understanding. Often we can find that our goals aren’t too different if we just listened.

Or, even if they are different, by listening and understanding each other, we are much more likely to see the bigger picture in the situation and be able to come to a better solution.

How to listen – the Do’s and Don’ts

So how do we listen? Here are some dos and don’ts.

Really listen. Really care about what they are saying. Don’t fake it. It will show.

Give your full attention

Give your full attention to the other person. Don’t be looking at other people, checking your phone, or watching tv. Give the person your undivided attention.

Focus on them, not what you want to say

Too often we start thinking about how we want to respond or what we want to say instead of listening.

Just focus on what they are saying.

Think detective game versus tennis match

Instead of thinking of the conversation as a tennis match, going back and forth, think of it as a detective game.

Let your goal be to find out as much as you can about the other person, their perspective, and their viewpoint.

Help them feel felt

Reflect their emotions back to them.

Say things like:

“Wow, that must have been frustrating.”

“That must have made you sad.”

“It must be very irritating having to deal with that.”

Repeat back what the person said in your own words. Make sure you understand what they are saying. This also helps them know that you heard them and understand.

Paraphrasing is very powerful and important.

Use good body language

Look at them in the eyes. Stand (or sit) up straight facing them. Don’t frown or show any kind of disgust on your face. Smile where appropriate.

Don’t cross your arms if you can help it.

Shaking your head (unless in the agreement or showing a “wow, I can’t believe it” response or the like), rolling your eyes, etc. will just turn people off.

Mirroring someone’s body language and speech pattern can help you connect with someone. If someone is talking very slowly, and you start talking very fast, there is a disconnect there.

Don’t interrupt

It’s rude. It’s no fun when you are talking or telling a story, and someone jumps in before you even finish to tell theirs. It’s deflating.

And if you wouldn’t take the time to listen to them, why do you think they would listen to you?

Don’t minimize problems or question their reactions

Just because it doesn’t seem a big deal to you doesn’t mean it isn’t to them. Don’t minimize their problems or feelings.

Don’t jump in with a similar story

When you do that, you are shifting the attention from them to you, and they may not feel heard yet. Instead, dig deeper into their story.

Don’t give advice (unless asked for), judgments, or criticisms

Just don’t.

How to Receiving Feedback and Criticism

In this section, we will discuss how to  receive feedback and criticism  from other people. We will talk about why we often reject it and how to receive it well.

Why is it important that we receive feedback well?

We learn and grow as people.

When we learn to listen and accept feedback, we grow as people. We become better people.

We may learn about behavior that could be hurting our relationships or our careers. Or we may learn something that could help us do things even better.

When you never listen and always play the blame game, you stay stuck where you are and never get better.

And that’s sad.

You resolve issues

By listening to others, you can resolve issues. You fix problems before they grow larger.

Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, if you listen, you can find where misinterpretations and unintentional consequences happened and resolve them.

You better relationships

When others feel they can come to you and communicate about the different issues in your relationship or life, it brings you closer to them.

You build deeper, more intimate relationships.

Why we sometimes don’t listen to feedback

Unfortunately, instead of listening, we often get defensive. We argue why something happened and blame someone or something else.

Why do we do that?

According to Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in  Thanks for the Feedback , there are three main reasons for our rejection: truth, relationship, and identity.

Also Read: How to Receive Criticism, Confrontation, and Disagreement the Right Way

Sometimes what the other person says is just plain not true. So yeah, we reject it.

But the truth is, we often don’t listen enough to really know if there is any truth in what they are saying.

It can be easy for us to find some nugget of falsity in what they are saying so that we reject the whole thing.

That’s dangerous.

While some of what they say may be false, some of what they say may be true. And if part of it is true, then if we listen to that, we can change for the better.

So what should we do?

Listen. Listen to what they are saying and try to understand it.

You may end up disagreeing with them, and that’s fine, but your first goal is to listen and understand. Let your mind shift from wrong-spotting to difference-spotting.

You never know, you might find a golden nugget in what they say.

Relationship

It can be easy to reject feedback based on the person who is giving the feedback. Right?

Or we may question their motives and intentions for giving it, so we don’t listen.

Again, that’s dangerous.

When we do that, we may miss out on something important that could make us better people.

And we have to remember, our assumptions are assumptions. We don’t know if they are true unless we ask or talk to them about them.

Truth is though, sometimes we can receive the best feedback from those who aren’t like us or don’t like us. So, instead of quickly rejecting something because of who is saying something or what you think their motives are, listen.

Then, if you need to deal with the intentions or “why is this person talking to me about this”, do that.

Often we reject feedback because it affects our identity, and who we think we are.

If we accept the feedback as true, then that means we aren’t the person we think we are. We aren’t as good or kind or talented as we picture ourselves.

And that can hurt.

A fixed mindset

Some of that can come from a fixed mindset.

The fixed and growth mindset concepts come from Dr. Carol Dweck in her book  Mindset .

A fixed mindset believes that your intelligence and abilities are all set from birth. Because of that, everything is a test or competition to see and show where you stand.

When someone with a fixed mindset receives feedback, it knocks them down a level, and they don’t want that.

A growth mindset

A growth mindset, on the other hand, believes that we aren’t set from birth and that we can always grow, learn, and get better.

A growth mindset is more likely to take feedback as an opportunity to grow and get better, not a test or something that shows them as deficient.

We all are wired differently

We all can take feedback differently. For example, for some, they take it, hear it, and move on.

Others may exaggerate it more than it means.

You get a bad report and you take it as the end of your career, or it means the person doesn’t love you anymore, or it means you are an utter failure.

It can sometimes be easy to assume the worst and exaggerate the feedback well beyond what it means.

So how do we fight this?

Separate the facts, feelings, and assumptions.

What was really said? What does it really mean? What is not being said?

How do you feel? Why do you feel that way? What are you assuming makes you feel that way?

What are your assumptions? Are those based on fact? What is really being said? What do you know and not know?

Realize that your identity is complicated

Just because you make a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person.

Don’t see yourself in such a “one or the other” mentality. Don’t see it as an attack on your character but as an area that you can improve to get even better.

Have a growth mindset

Realize that we can all grow and get better. Feedback is not a test showing how you are deficient, but an opportunity to learn, grow and get even better.

How to receive feedback

So how do we receive feedback?

Prepare (if you can)

Prepare yourself if you can. If you agree to talk to someone about an issue, prepare yourself for what they may or may not say.

Think through the situation and see where you have contributed to the problem. Make sure your motives are right.

The most important part of receiving feedback is listening. Your goal is to listen, to understand their viewpoint and what they are saying, and to make sure the person feels understood and validated.

Remember, validating someone and listening is not the same as agreeing with them.

As you listen, paraphrase. Make sure you understand what they are saying (and show them that you do).

Sometimes a  person may be indirect or not know how to express themselves. You may need to ask questions to dig deeper and to help them find the assumptions or “story” they told.

After the feedback giver shares the feedback, it’s your turn to respond. Remember not to get defensive or attack or belittle.

Share your viewpoint of the situation, starting with the facts and then moving to your story and feelings.

You may need to go back and forth with the person before the situation is resolved, listening back and forth.

Or, you may say, “you know, you are right, thanks for pointing that out to me.”

Or “I never saw it that way before. Thanks for pointing that out. ”

If they recommended you do something, and you don’t know how, ask for suggestions or help.

The ABC Method

Patterson and Grenny in  Crucial Conversations   suggest the ABC Method.

The ABC Method is as follows:

A – Agree: You first focus on what you agree about with the person.

B – Build: Then build on it with something they missed or may not have known.

C – Compare: Then you compare the differences between your viewpoints. You don’t say that one person is wrong and that you are right, you show the difference.

What if you disagree?

That’s okay. They could be wrong.

Just tell them. Be transparent. Don’t be rude about it, but let them know. Be firm and appreciative.

“I appreciate you sharing this with me, and I don’t think that this is really an issue in my life right now.”

Do you always have to listen to feedback?

Sometimes you may not be in an emotional state where you can listen. Or maybe you have a lot going on in your life and you just don’t want to hear it right now.

It’s okay to set boundaries and say, “This is not a good time right now. Thanks though.” Just be careful not to use this as an excuse not to listen to others’ feedback ever.

In this section, we will discuss conflict resolution techniques (using all we’ve learned so far) to share with others the feedback and issues that we need to deal with. We will cover a couple of techniques you can use when confronting others with an issue.

Prepare yourself

Your first step is to prepare yourself.

• Make sure you have made yourself right first. Make sure you have the right motives.

Prepare your message.

• Prepare what you are going to say to the other person. Writing it out can help.

You can also prepare for how the other person may respond.

• This doesn’t mean dwelling on and assuming the negative; rather it means planning for different possibilities.

Lastly, it can help to visualize the conversation.

• Close your eyes and see yourself talking to the other person calmly and respectfully. See yourself giving the message with confidence and humility.

Give the message

There are multiple ways to give the message.

The I Message

The I message is effective because it doesn’t blame or attack the other person, but focuses on you.

I have taught this to some of the groups of kids that came through my house (as a foster parent) and it was very effective.

Here’s how you give the I message.

“I feel X when you Y because of Z.” or “When you Y, I feel X because of Z.”

“I feel sad when you talk to me in that tone of voice because it makes me think you aren’t listening to me”.

“It frustrates me when you take items off my desk because I waste time looking for something that’s not there.”

“It hurts me when you don’t pick up after yourself because it gives me the impression that you don’t care.”

Notice that in no way do you attack or belittle the other person. You don’t bring assumptions into it.

Your focus is on how the behavior, “the facts”, affect you.

Straight talk

Another method is the “straight talk” method, as mentioned by Howard Guttman in  When Goliaths Clash .

With straight talk, you tell someone what you need and why. This can be especially useful for managers or parents of teenagers, though it can apply in other areas as well.

“I want/need X because Y”

“I need you to turn your reports in by 9 am every morning because I have to put everything together by 10. ” “I need you to clean out the garage because we need to start pulling the car in again. “

It’s useful when giving a command and adds a sense of respect toward the other person by providing a why.

The Core  Method

I call this the core method because when you look at most books on conflict resolution and conflict management, most boil down to these simple core steps.

Prepare yourself first

• State the facts of what happened
• Tell your story and how it affected you

Ask the other person for their input

• (Go back and forth as needed – listening to one another)

Problem solve

We covered this earlier. You want to prepare yourself and be ready before confronting someone.

State the facts

You start with the facts of what happened, not your interpretation of it. Facts are the least controversial.

State your story and how it affected you

You then state your assumptions, and your story, tentatively (because you could be wrong), and talk about how it affected you.

Samples of talking tentatively include:

“it seems to me.,..”

“I got the impression that…”

“It made me think…”

After you shared the facts and your viewpoint, you ask them to share theirs.

And listen.

Ask questions and probe if you need to.

If they get defensive, remember what your purpose is. Let them know what your purpose is and isn’t.

Listen to them and paraphrase.  Make sure you understand them and their viewpoint.

(Go back and forth..)

As new information becomes available, you may need to go back and forth a couple of times to share facts and stories.

Remember, the purpose is to work together as a team, not to work against each other. You are looking for the third story – yours and theirs together.

You then move on to problem-solving, which we will discuss in the next section.

Bonus suggestion: Use a speaking object

Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg in  Fighting For Your Marriage  share a technique called the Speaker Listener Technique.

With the Speaker Listener Technique, an object or spot on the floor represents who the speaker is. It could be a stick, a remote control, and so on.

Whoever holds the object is the speaker. The other person is the listener.

The listener is not allowed to talk except to paraphrase what the speaker is saying.

The participants pass the object back and forth as needed to discuss the issue and paraphrase the issue. In fact, with the Speaker Listener Technique, they recommend paraphrasing, basically, after every statement.

Find what works for you

This practice, or a variation of it, can be quite useful, even in the workplace.

Have an object that represents who the speaker is, and only the person who has the object can speak a viewpoint. There is no defensiveness or arguing back.

Whether you use an object or not, having each person listen to the other and paraphrase back to make sure they understand is the goal you want to pursue.

In this section, we will cover conflict resolution strategies,  techniques, and steps for problem-solving and finding a solution. We will also cover what to do when a solution can’t be found.

The goal of problem-solving

The goal of problem-solving is to come to a solution that satisfies both parties – in most cases.

If the person is toxic, or abusive, or you are setting boundaries, the other person may never agree to the boundary that you are giving, but you have to give it anyway (and if it’s abusive or extremely toxic – you may want to get extra help with that).

But, in most cases, you want a solution both people agree on.

Why? If someone “agrees” to it but is not happy, they are less likely to follow through.

Same thing if you pushed your solution and told them what to do. They might not do it just out of spite.

Compromise vs. Consensus

You may hear different definitions of compromise, but we will use this one for our purposes:

You both give up something (or some things) and come to a solution that no one is really happy with.

That is not ideal. Instead, your goal should be to come to a consensus, a decision that everyone is happy with.

It’s not that you will never have to give up something, but if you come to it with the wrong mentality and come up with a solution that no one is really happy with, follow-through is likely to be poor.

Instead, try to come up with someone that satisfies all parties involved.

Not all conflict is resolvable

It’s just a fact – you aren’t going to be able to solve every problem.

All marriages have problems. Having a happy marriage doesn’t mean you don’t have any problems. It means that you learned how to manage those problems together as a team well.

Sometimes it’s a person’s personality or firmly held belief. You are going to have a very hard time changing those.

In those situations, unless it’s harmful behavior, your best bet is to find a way to live with it. Learn to cope. Learn to see it as a positive and benefit instead of as a negative.

If the behavior is harmful or abusive – get out and get help.

In a work situation, it might mean letting someone go or putting them in a position that fits their personality better.

And, truth is, you can’t make someone change. Some people will choose to continue their negative behavior.

You have to focus on yourself and what you can do. You can choose to cope and try to manage the behavior, or you can choose to cut loose and let go.

Key points to remember when problem-solving

Make sure it solves the real issue.

Don’t just come up with a solution to get through the process – otherwise, you’ll be back dealing with it again really soon.

Make sure it doesn’t solve just the superficial issues that spawn from it. Make sure it solves the real issue.

Make sure it meets everyone’s needs

Don’t be a martyr and accept something that doesn’t meet your needs. Make sure it meets your needs and the other person’s needs (except for the situations we described earlier).

Again, if it doesn’t meet their needs, they will likely not follow through.

Remember your mutual purpose

As you go through the problem-solving process, remember what your mutual purpose is and why you are doing it. This can help you stay on track and focus on the right solutions.

Don’t start the problem-solving until the problem discussion is done

Make sure everyone has said what they needed to say and everyone’s perspective is understood before moving to the problem-solving phase.

When you are done, make sure to show appreciation for them working together with you to solve this issue.

Make sure to end with commitment, who does what, and when you will follow up

Make sure you decide who is doing what at the end of the conversation.

And make sure you decide on when you will meet again to follow up to make sure the solution is working and everyone is doing their part. Otherwise, things are likely to fall through the cracks.

How to problem-solve

Here are some basic steps that you can use in any situation to come to a solution.

Also Read: The 5 Basic Steps of Confrontation (To Help You Do It Right)

Define the problem

Dr. Robert Bolton in  People Skills  says that we need to make sure to define the problem in terms of need, not solutions.

From the problem discussion, you likely know what the needs are. Make sure you define them in order to focus your problem-solving on them.

Brainstorm for ideas

Get out a piece of paper or a whiteboard, and have everyone throw out ideas for solutions.

During this time, nothing is critiqued or commented on. Everything is written down. Sometimes the wackiest solutions can spur the best solution.

Don’t attach names to anything or seek to clarify. Just write everything down as it was said.

Select the solution(s)

After you finished brainstorming, then go through the list and see what ideas could work.

Find the solution(s) that fit and meet both parties’ needs.

Make a plan

Decide who will do what and by when. Write it down. Decide on a time when you will follow up to make sure the solution(s) are working.

Take action

Take action on the plan.

Make sure to follow up on the problem. Are the solutions working? Do you need to try something else? Is someone not following through?

If things are falling through the cracks, you may need to have another discussion and find out why. Is it that the solutions chosen aren’t working or that someone wasn’t really happy about the solutions?

If you would, please share it with others.

What steps are you going to start implementing today? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Also Read: 31 Conflict Resolution Skills You Need to Start Using Now

About The Author

Thomas R. Harris

Related posts, 7.5 terrible ways we handle conflict poorly.

The 5 Basic Steps of Confrontation (How To Do It Right)

How to Give the 3 Part Assertive Message

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24 Conflict and Negotiation

Learning Objectives

• Define conflict
• Differentiate between functional and dysfunctional conflict
• Recognize various types of conflict in groups
• Describe the conflict process
• Identify and apply strategies for preventing or reducing conflict in groups

Definitions of Conflict

Hocker and Wilmot (2001) defined conflict as an expressed struggle between interdependent parties over goals which they perceive as incompatible or resources which they perceive to be insufficient. Let’s examine the ingredients in their definition.

First of all, conflict must be expressed. If two members of a group dislike each other or disagree with each other’s viewpoints but never show those sentiments, there’s no conflict.

Second, conflict takes place between or among parties who are interdependent—that is, who need each other to accomplish something. If they can get what they want without each other, they may differ in how they do so, but they won’t come into conflict.

Finally, conflict involves clashes over what people want or over the means for them to achieve it. Party A wants X, whereas party B wants Y. If they either can’t both have what they want at all, or they can’t each have what they want to the degree that they would prefer to, conflict will arise.

The Positive and Negative Sides of Conflict

There are some circumstances in which a moderate amount of conflict can be helpful. For example, conflict can stimulate innovation and change. Conflict can help individuals and group members grow and develop self-identities. As noted by Coser (1956):

Conflict, which aims at a resolution of tension between antagonists, is likely to have stabilizing and integrative functions for the relationship. By permitting immediate and direct expression of rival claims, such social systems are able to readjust their structures by eliminating their sources of dissatisfaction. The multiple conflicts which they experience may serve to eliminate the causes for dissociation and to re-establish unity. These systems avail themselves, through the toleration and institutionalization of conflict, of an important stabilizing mechanism.

Conflict can have negative consequences when people divert energies away from performance and goal attainment and direct them toward resolving the conflict. Continued conflict can take a heavy toll in terms of psychological well-being. Conflict has a major influence on stress and the psychophysical consequences of stress. Finally, continued conflict can also affect the social climate of the group and inhibit group cohesiveness.

Thus, conflict can be either functional or dysfunctional depending upon the nature of the conflict, its intensity, and its duration. Indeed, both too much and too little conflict can lead to a variety of negative outcomes, as discussed above. This is shown in Figure 1 . In such circumstances, a moderate amount of conflict may be the best course of action. The issue for groups, therefore, is not how to eliminate conflict but rather how to manage and resolve it when it occurs.

Types of Conflict

Group conflicts may deal with many topics, needs, and elements. Kelly (2006) identified the following five types of conflict:

First, there are conflicts of substance . These conflicts, which relate to questions about what choices to make in a given situation, rest on differing views of the facts. If Terry thinks the biology assignment requires an annotated bibliography but Robin believes a simple list of readings will suffice, they’re in a conflict of substance. Another term for this kind of conflict is “intrinsic conflict.”

Conflicts of value are those in which various parties either hold totally different values or rank the same values in a significantly different order. The famous sociologist Milton Rokeach (1979), for instance, found that freedom and equality constitute values in the four major political systems of the past 100 years—communism, fascism, socialism, and capitalism. What differentiated the systems, however, was the degree to which proponents of each system ranked those two key values. According to Rokeach’s analysis, socialism holds both values highly; fascism holds them in low regard; communism values equality over freedom, and capitalism values freedom over equality. As we all know, conflict among proponents of these four political systems preoccupied people and governments for the better part of the twentieth century.

Conflicts of process arise when people differ over how to reach goals or pursue values which they share. How closely should they stick to rules and timelines, for instance, and when should they let their hair down and simply brainstorm new ideas? What about when multiple topics and challenges are intertwined; how and when should the group deal with each one? Another term for these disputes is “task conflicts.”

Conflicts of misperceived differences come up when people interpret each other’s actions or emotions erroneously. You can probably think of several times in your life when you first thought you disagreed with other people but later found out that you’d just misunderstood something they said and that you actually shared a perspective with them. Or perhaps you attributed a different motive to them than what really underlay their actions. One misconception about conflict, however, is that it always arises from misunderstandings. This isn’t the case, however. Robert Doolittle (1976) noted that “some of the most serious conflicts occur among individuals and groups who understand each other very well but who strongly disagree.”

The first four kinds of conflict may interact with each other over time, either reinforcing or weakening each other’s impact. They may also ebb and flow according to the topics and conditions a group confronts. Even if they’re dealt with well, however, further emotional and personal kinds of conflict can occur in a group. Relationship conflicts , also known as personality clashes, often involve people’s egos and sense of self-worth. Relationship conflicts tend to be particularly difficult to cope with since they frequently aren’t admitted for what they are. Many times, they arise in a struggle for superiority or status.

A Model of the Conflict Process

The most commonly accepted model of the conflict process was developed by Kenneth Thomas (1976). This model consists of four stages: (1) frustration, (2) conceptualization, (3) behavior, and (4) outcome.

Stage 1: Frustration

As we have seen, conflict situations originate when an individual or group feels frustration  in the pursuit of important goals. This frustration may be caused by a wide variety of factors, including disagreement over performance goals, failure to get a promotion or pay raise, a fight over scarce economic resources, new rules or policies, and so forth. In fact, conflict can be traced to frustration over almost anything a group or individual cares about.

Stage 2: Conceptualization

In stage 2, the conceptualization stage of the model, parties to the conflict attempt to understand the nature of the problem, what they themselves want as a resolution, what they think their opponents want as a resolution, and various strategies they feel each side may employ in resolving the conflict. This stage is really the problem-solving and strategy phase. For instance, when management and union negotiate a labor contract, both sides attempt to decide what is most important and what can be bargained away in exchange for these priority needs.

Stage 3: Behavior

The third stage in Thomas’s model is actual  behavior . As a result of the conceptualization process, parties to a conflict attempt to implement their resolution mode by competing or accommodating in the hope of resolving problems. A major task here is determining how best to proceed strategically. That is, what tactics will the party use to attempt to resolve the conflict? Thomas has identified five modes for conflict resolution: (1) competing, (2) collaborating, (3) compromising, (4) avoiding, and (5) accommodating (see Table 1 ).

The choice of an appropriate conflict resolution mode depends to a great extent on the situation and the goals of the party  (see Figure 2 ). According to this model, each party must decide the extent to which it is interested in satisfying its own concerns—called assertiveness —and the extent to which it is interested in helping satisfy the opponent’s concerns—called  cooperativeness . Assertiveness can range from assertive to unassertive on one continuum, and cooperativeness can range from uncooperative to cooperative on the other continuum.

Once the parties have determined their desired balance between the two competing concerns—either consciously or unconsciously—the resolution strategy emerges. For example, if a union negotiator feels confident she can win on an issue that is of primary concern to union members (e.g., wages), a direct competition mode may be chosen (see the upper left-hand corner of Figure 2 ). On the other hand, when the union is indifferent to an issue or when it actually supports management’s concerns (e.g., plant safety), we would expect an accommodating or collaborating mode (on the right-hand side of the figure).

What is interesting in this process is the assumptions people make about their own modes compared to their opponents’. For example, in one study of executives, it was found that the executives typically described themselves as using collaboration or compromise to resolve conflict, whereas these same executives typically described their opponents as using a competitive mode almost exclusively (Thomas & Pondy, 1967). In other words, the executives underestimated their opponents’ concerns as uncompromising. Simultaneously, the executives had flattering portraits of their own willingness to satisfy both sides in a dispute.

Stage 4: Outcome. Finally, as a result of efforts to resolve the conflict, both sides determine the extent to which a satisfactory resolution or outcome has been achieved. Where one party to the conflict does not feel satisfied or feels only partially satisfied, the seeds of discontent are sown for a later conflict, as shown in the preceding figure. One unresolved conflict episode can easily set the stage for a second episode. Action aimed at achieving quick and satisfactory resolution is vital; failure to initiate such action leaves the possibility (more accurately, the probability) that new conflicts will soon emerge.

RECOGNIZING YOUR EMOTIONS

Have you ever seen red, or perceived a situation through rage, anger, or frustration? Then you know that you cannot see or think clearly when you are experiencing strong emotions. There will be times in groups and teams when emotions run high, and your awareness of them can help you clear your mind and choose to wait until the moment has passed to tackle the challenge. This is an example of a time when avoiding can be a useful strategy, at least temporarily.

Emotions can be contagious, and fear of the unknown can influence people to act in irrational ways. The wise communicator can recognize when emotions are on edge in themselves or others, and choose to wait to communicate, problem-solve, or negotiate until after the moment has passed.

Bach and Wyden (1968) discuss gunnysacking (or backpacking) as the imaginary bag we all carry, into which we place unresolved conflicts or grievances over time. Holding onto the way things used to be can be like a stone in your gunnysack, and influence how you interpret your current context.

People may be aware of similar issues but might not know your history, and cannot see your backpack or its contents. For example, if you are used to things one way, and a group member handles them differently, this may cause you some degree of stress and frustration. Bottling up your frustrations only hurts you and can cause your relationships within the group to suffer. By addressing, or unpacking, the stones you carry, you can better assess the current situation with the current patterns and variables.

Preventing and Reducing Conflict

There are many things group members can do to reduce or actually solve dysfunctional conflict when it occurs. These generally fall into two categories: actions directed at conflict prevention  and actions directed at conflict  reduction.

Strategies for Conflict Prevention

We shall start by examining conflict prevention techniques because preventing conflict is often easier than reducing it once it begins. These include:

• Emphasizing group goals and effectiveness. Focusing on group goals and objectives should prevent goal conflict. If larger goals are emphasized, group members are more likely to see the big picture and work together to achieve corporate goals.
• Providing stable, well-structured tasks. When work activities are clearly defined, understood, and accepted, conflict should be less likely to occur. Conflict is most likely to occur when task uncertainty is high; specifying or structuring roles and tasks minimizes ambiguity.
• Facilitating dialogue. Misperception of the abilities, goals, and motivations of others often leads to conflict, so efforts to increase the dialogue among group members and to share information should help eliminate conflict. As group members come to know more about one another, suspicions often diminish, and greater intergroup teamwork becomes possible.
• Avoiding win-lose situations. If win-lose situations are avoided, less potential for conflict exists.

Strategies for Conflict Reduction

Where dysfunctional conflict already exists, something must be done, and you may pursue one of at least two general approaches: you can try to change attitudes, or you can try to behaviors . If you change behavior, open conflict is often reduced, but group members may still dislike one another; the conflict simply becomes less visible. Changing attitudes, on the other hand, often leads to fundamental changes in the ways that groups get along. However, it also takes considerably longer to accomplish than behavior change because it requires a fundamental change in social perceptions.

Nine conflict reduction strategies are discussed below. The techniques should be viewed as a continuum, ranging from strategies that focus on changing behaviors near the top of the scale to strategies that focus on changing attitudes near the bottom of the scale.

• Physical separation. The quickest and easiest solution to conflict is physical separation. Separation is useful when conflicting individuals or groups are not working on a joint task or do not need a high degree of interaction. Though this approach does not encourage members to change their attitudes, it does provide time to seek a better accommodation.
• Use of rules and regulations. Conflict can also be reduced through the increasing specification of rules, regulations, and procedures. Again, however, basic attitudes are not modified.
• Limiting intergroup interaction. Another approach to reducing conflict is to limit intergroup interaction to issues involving common goals. Where groups agree on a goal, cooperation becomes easier.
• Use of integrators. Integrators are individuals who are assigned a boundary-spanning role between two people or groups. To be trusted, integrators must be perceived by both groups as legitimate and knowledgeable. The integrator often takes the “shuttle diplomacy” approach, moving from one person or group to another, identifying areas of agreement, and attempting to find areas of future cooperation.
• Confrontation and negotiation.  In this approach, competing parties are brought together face-to-face to discuss their basic areas of disagreement. The hope is that through open discussion and  negotiation , means can be found to work out problems. Contract negotiations between unions and management represent one such example. If a “win-win” solution can be identified through these negotiations, the chances of an acceptable resolution of the conflict increase.
• Third-party consultation.  In some cases, it is helpful to bring in outside consultants for  third-party consultation who understand human behavior and can facilitate a resolution. A third-party consultant not only serves as a go-between but can speak more directly to the issues because she is not a member of the group.
• Rotation of members.  By rotating from one group to another, individuals come to understand the frames of reference, values, and attitudes of other members; communication is thus increased. When those rotated are accepted by the receiving groups, change in attitudes as well as behavior becomes possible. This is clearly a long-term technique, as it takes time to develop good interpersonal relations and understanding among group members.
• Identification of interdependent tasks and superordinate goals. A further strategy is to establish goals that require groups to work together to achieve overall success.
• Use of training. The final technique on the continuum is training. Outside training experts are retained on a long-term basis to help groups develop relatively permanent mechanisms for working together. Structured workshops and training programs can help forge more favorable intergroup attitudes and, as a result, more constructive group behavior.

Review & Reflection Questions

• Is conflict in groups good or bad? Why?
• Identify the types of conflict and provide examples of each.
• What modes of conflict resolution do you find yourself using when faced with a conflict in a group? What modes have you observed at work in your current group?
• What strategies could you use to prevent or reduce conflict in your group?
• Bach, G., & Wyden, P. (1968). The intimacy enemy. Avon.
• Brown, D. L. (1986). Managing conflict at organizational interfaces. Addison-Wesley Publishing Co., Inc.
• Coser, L. (1956). The functions of social conflict. Free Press.
• Doolittle, R.J. (1976). Orientations to communication and conflict. Science Research Associates.
• Hocker, J.L., & Wilmot, W.W. (2001). Interpersonal conflict (6 th ed.). McGraw-Hill.
• Kelly, M.S. (2006). Communication @ work: Ethical, effective, and expressive communication in the workplace . Pearson.
• Neilsen, E.H. (1972). Understanding and managing conflict. In J. Lorsch & P. Lawrence (Eds.), Managing group and intergroup relations. Irwin.
• Rokeach, M. (1979). Understanding human values: Individual and societal. The Free Press.
• Thomas, K. (1976). Conflict and conflict management. In M. D. Dunnette (Ed.), Handbook of industrial and organizational behavior. Wiley.
• Thomas, K., & Pondy, L. (1967). Toward an intent model of conflict management among principal parties. Human Relations, 30, 1089–1102.

Authors & Attribution

The sections “The Positive and Negative Sides of Conflict,” “A Model of the Conflict Process,” and “Managing Conflict in Groups” are adapted from Black, J.S., & Bright, D.S. (2019). Organizational behavior. OpenStax. https://openstax.org/books/organizational-behavior/ . Access the full chapter for free here . The content is available under a Creative Commons Attribution License 4.0 license .

The sections “Definitions of Conflict,” “Types of Conflict” and “Recognizing Emotion” are adapted from is adapted from “ Managing Conflict ” from An Introduction To Group Communication . This content is available under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0) License without attribution as requested by the work’s original creator or licensor.

This remix comes from Dr. Jasmine Linabary at Emporia State University. This chapter is also available in her book:  Small Group Communication: Forming and Sustaining Teams.

an expressed struggle between interdependent parties over goals which they perceive as incompatible or resources which they perceive to be insufficient.

conflicts related to questions about what choices to make in a given situation, rest on differing views of the facts

Conflicts in which various parties either hold totally different values or rank the same values in a significantly different order

Conflicts about how to reach goals or pursue values which they share

hen people interpret each other’s actions or emotions erroneously.

Personality-driven conflicts which involve personal attributes or characteristics and which challenge people's egos or self-worth

the imaginary bag we all carry, into which we place unresolved conflicts or grievances over time leading to frustration and influencing how we interpret actions

Problem Solving in Teams and Groups Copyright © 2021 by Cameron W. Piercy, Ph.D. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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5 Strategies for Conflict Resolution in the Workplace

• 07 Sep 2023

Any scenario in which you live, work, and collaborate with others is susceptible to conflict. Because workplaces are made up of employees with different backgrounds, personalities, opinions, and daily lives, discord is bound to occur. To navigate it, it’s crucial to understand why it arises and your options for resolving it.

Common reasons for workplace conflict include:

• Misunderstandings or poor communication skills
• Differing opinions, viewpoints, or personalities
• Biases or stereotypes
• Variations in learning or processing styles
• Perceptions of unfairness

Although conflict is common, many don’t feel comfortable handling it—especially with colleagues. As a business leader, you’ll likely clash with other managers and need to help your team work through disputes.

Here’s why conflict resolution is important and five strategies for approaching it.

Access your free e-book today.

Why Is Addressing Workplace Conflict Important?

Pretending conflict doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away. Ignoring issues can lead to missed deadlines, festering resentment, and unsuccessful initiatives.

Yet, according to coaching and training firm Bravely , 53 percent of employees handle “toxic” situations by avoiding them. Worse still, averting a difficult conversation can cost an organization $7,500 and more than seven workdays.

That adds up quickly: American businesses lose $359 billion yearly due to the impact of unresolved conflict.

As a leader, you have a responsibility to foster healthy conflict resolution and create a safe, productive work environment for employees.

“Some rights, such as the right to safe working conditions or the right against sexual harassment, are fundamental to the employment relationship,” says Harvard Business School Professor Nien-hê Hsieh in the course Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Accountability . “These rights are things that employees should be entitled to no matter what. They’re often written into the law, but even when they aren’t, they’re central to the ethical treatment of others, which involves respecting the inherent dignity and intrinsic worth of each individual.”

Effectively resolving disputes as they arise benefits your employees’ well-being and your company’s financial health. The first step is learning about five conflict resolution strategies at your disposal.

Related: How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Employees

While there are several approaches to conflict, some can be more effective than others. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model —developed by Dr. Kenneth W. Thomas and Dr. Ralph H. Kilmann—outlines five strategies for conflict resolution:

• Accommodating
• Compromising
• Collaborating

These fall on a graph, with assertiveness on the y-axis and cooperativeness on the x-axis. In the Thomas-Kilmann model, “assertiveness” refers to the extent to which you try to reach your own goal, and “cooperativeness” is the extent to which you try to satisfy the other party’s goal.

Alternatively, you can think of these axis labels as the “importance of my goal” and the “importance of this relationship.” If your assertiveness is high, you aim to achieve your own goal. If your cooperativeness is high, you strive to help the other person reach theirs to maintain the relationship.

Here’s a breakdown of the five strategies and when to use each.

1. Avoiding

Avoiding is a strategy best suited for situations in which the relationship’s importance and goal are both low.

While you’re unlikely to encounter these scenarios at work, they may occur in daily life. For instance, imagine you’re on a public bus and the passenger next to you is loudly playing music. You’ll likely never bump into that person again, and your goal of a pleasant bus ride isn’t extremely pressing. Avoiding conflict by ignoring the music is a valid option.

In workplace conflicts—where your goals are typically important and you care about maintaining a lasting relationship with colleagues—avoidance can be detrimental.

Remember: Some situations require avoiding conflict, but you’re unlikely to encounter them in the workplace.

2. Competing

Competing is another strategy that, while not often suited for workplace conflict, can be useful in some situations.

This conflict style is for scenarios in which you place high importance on your goal and low importance on your relationships with others. It’s high in assertiveness and low in cooperation.

You may choose a competing style in a crisis. For instance, if someone is unconscious and people are arguing about what to do, asserting yourself and taking charge can help the person get medical attention quicker.

You can also use it when standing up for yourself and in instances where you feel unsafe. In those cases, asserting yourself and reaching safety is more critical than your relationships with others.

When using a competing style in situations where your relationships do matter (for instance, with a colleague), you risk impeding trust—along with collaboration, creativity, and productivity.

3. Accommodating

The third conflict resolution strategy is accommodation, in which you acquiesce to the other party’s needs. Use accommodating in instances where the relationship matters more than your goal.

For example, if you pitch an idea for a future project in a meeting, and one of your colleagues says they believe it will have a negative impact, you could resolve the conflict by rescinding your original thought.

This is useful if the other person is angry or hostile or you don’t have a strong opinion on the matter. It immediately deescalates conflict by removing your goal from the equation.

While accommodation has its place within organizational settings, question whether you use it to avoid conflict. If someone disagrees with you, simply acquiescing can snuff out opportunities for innovation and creative problem-solving .

As a leader, notice whether your employees frequently fall back on accommodation. If the setting is safe, encouraging healthy debate can lead to greater collaboration.

Related: How to Create a Culture of Ethics and Accountability in the Workplace

4. Compromising

Compromising is a conflict resolution strategy in which you and the other party willingly forfeit some of your needs to reach an agreement. It’s known as a “lose-lose” strategy, since neither of you achieve your full goal.

This strategy works well when your care for your goal and the relationship are both moderate. You value the relationship, but not so much that you abandon your goal, like in accommodation.

For example, maybe you and a peer express interest in leading an upcoming project. You could compromise by co-leading it or deciding one of you leads this one and the other the next one.

Compromising requires big-picture thinking and swallowing your pride, knowing you won’t get all your needs fulfilled. The benefits are that you and the other party value your relationship and make sacrifices to reach a mutually beneficial resolution.

5. Collaborating

Where compromise is a lose-lose strategy, collaboration is a win-win. In instances of collaboration, your goal and the relationship are equally important, motivating both you and the other party to work together to find an outcome that meets all needs.

An example of a situation where collaboration is necessary is if one of your employees isn’t performing well in their role—to the point that they’re negatively impacting the business. While maintaining a strong, positive relationship is important, so is finding a solution to their poor performance. Framing the conflict as a collaboration can open doors to help each other discover its cause and what you can do to improve performance and the business’s health.

Collaboration is ideal for most workplace conflicts. Goals are important, but so is maintaining positive relationships with co-workers. Promote collaboration whenever possible to find creative solutions to problems . If you can’t generate a win-win idea, you can always fall back on compromise.

Considering Your Responsibilities as a Leader

As a leader, not only must you address your own conflicts but help your employees work through theirs. When doing so, remember your responsibilities to your employees—whether ethical, legal, or economic.

Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Accountability groups your ethical responsibilities to employees into five categories:

• Well-being: What’s ultimately good for the person
• Rights: Entitlement to receive certain treatment
• Duties: A moral obligation to behave in a specific way
• Best practices: Aspirational standards not required by law or cultural norms
• Fairness: Impartial and just treatment

In the course, Hsieh outlines three types of fairness you can use when helping employees solve conflicts:

• Legitimate expectations: Employees reasonably expect certain practices or behaviors to continue based on experiences with the organization and explicit promises.
• Procedural fairness: Managers must resolve issues impartially and consistently.
• Distributive fairness: Your company equitably allocates opportunities, benefits, and burdens.

Particularly with procedural fairness, ensure you don’t take sides when mediating conflict. Treat both parties equally, allowing them time to speak and share their perspectives. Guide your team toward collaboration or compromise, and work toward a solution that achieves the goal while maintaining—and even strengthening—relationships.

Are you interested in learning how to navigate difficult decisions as a leader? Explore Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Accountability —one of our online leadership and management courses —and download our free guide to becoming a more effective leader.

About the Author

Conflict Resolution in the Workplace: 9 Tips

We break down how to resolve conflicts at work and get employees on the same page.

Conflicts occur in every workplace. Whether it’s a disagreement about the best way to solve a problem or a clash of two different personalities, it’s only a matter of time until a conflict arises in your organization.

What Is Conflict Resolution?

Conflict resolution is the process of finding a peaceful solution to a dispute between two or more parties.

In this article, we’ll cover in more detail what conflict resolution is, why it’s important and how you can resolve conflict in the workplace.

Conflict resolution is the process of settling a dispute between two or more parties. Most commonly, this will be based on the principles of facilitative mediation, in which a mediator allows each party to share their side of the story, lead a discussion around the common points of contention and task participants with suggesting an agreeable resolution.

There is no silver bullet to conflict resolution, because every situation is different and involves different types of people with different experiences, perspectives and communication styles. But with the right communication tools, you can try to understand where each person is coming from and get both parties back on track and pulling in the same direction.

Related Reading What Are Interpersonal Skills?

How to Resolve Conflict in the Workplace

There are several different paths you can take to resolving conflicts. If you are leading the discussion, here are a few steps you can take:  

1. Address Conflicts Early

It’s best to resolve a conflict as soon as possible. When conflict lingers over time, it can become more difficult to address.

“What’s needed is a discussion from the start,” Leslie Nydick, CEO of The Conflict Strategist , told Built In. “It has to be multi-directional; It can’t be one-way communication.”

When people stop talking about something, that can lead them to make assumptions, which then leads to confusion, and ultimately, conflict, said Courtney Chicvak, a conflict resolution specialist and lecturer at Columbia University .

“People often don’t express their concerns or they let things simmer for much longer than they actually should, and eventually there’s a blow-up,” Chicvak told Built In. “It makes it much harder to show up and resolve an issue if there’s a blow-up.”

2. Choose a Facilitator

Employees might not want to express their opinions to their direct manager because they may see them as part of the problem. They might also hesitate to share their feelings with HR because they are afraid of getting fired or having negative information added to their file.

Some companies have established ombuds offices, which can informally discuss workplace issues and conflicts outside of HR channels. Companies might also bring in someone from outside the organization, like a mediator trained in facilitating dialogue in workplace conflicts.

3. Find a Private Place to Talk

Managers or mediators should find a private environment that encourages people to be vulnerable and share their feelings. If the two parties are particularly heated, the facilitator may have to deescalate the situation by separating them in different rooms.

4. Set Expectations and Ground Rules

If the two parties are going to be in the same room, the facilitator should set some clear ground rules, such as not interrupting when the other person is talking. The facilitator might also ask participants to limit the scope of the discussion to the conflict at hand and not bring up past conflicts or grievances. Both parties should be treated with dignity and respect, and the conversation should not turn into a debate about who is right and wrong.

5. Actively Listen to Both Sides

Both parties should have an opportunity to share their side of the story without interruption, and both parties should try to understand where the other party is coming from.

The facilitator and participants should both “dial up their curiosity,” Nydick said, and realize that they may not have all the answers. You never know what you may learn from listening to other sides of the story. 

“Focus on what the person is saying without planning how you’re going to respond,” Nydick added. “Don’t take up space in your mind thinking about how you experienced something similar. If you’re thinking about what you want to say next, you’re not listening.”

6. Clarify the Source of the Conflict

Many conflicts are like icebergs, according to Jennifer Libby, district manager at Insperity . Most of it is under the surface. That unaddressed tension could be personal, or it could be indicative of a much larger issue that needs to be addressed. 

Sometimes the source of the conflict may not always be apparent, or it may be obscured by another reason. By carefully listening to all sides, you should aim to identify a conflict that can be discussed and ultimately resolved with a potential solution.  

7. Ask Open-Ended Questions

When discussing the conflict, the facilitator should ask neutral, open-ended questions. They should not ask leading questions designed to confirm their suspicions, as these typically put people on the defensive and cause them to shut down.

Instead of asking questions that start with “why,” Nydick suggests starting questions with “how” or “what.” “Why would you do it that way?” is much more likely to put people on the defensive than “How did you decide to do that?” or “Help me understand your approach to that situation.”

Nydick also suggests people pause before responding, which will allow time to reflect on what someone has said and allow time to craft a more intentional question. She also suggests asking one question at a time to prevent issues from getting unnecessarily complicated.

For participants, Chicvak suggests using “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements. Instead of saying “you hurt my feelings,” you could say “I feel disrespected when you do that.”

8. Agree on a Solution

When working toward a conflict, a manager or HR person may try to bring the two sides together by acknowledging their shared goal. You can acknowledge that each employee has the right to their own opinions, but make it clear that the company has shared expectations and values around treating each other with respect. 

“The reason the values are so important is because it’s shared language,” Libby told Built In. “Before we were in conflict, we could agree on these things. That means we can agree on something again. You’ve planted some foreshadowing in their mind about that outcome.” 

Under a facilitative mediation approach, both employees are asked to come up with a resolution that they can both agree on. The thinking here is that the two parties know the intricacies of the situation better than anyone else and are thus best-equipped to come up with a solution. By coming up with their own solution, the two parties are also more likely to feel a sense of buy-in and work toward a successful outcome. 

“When something’s imposed upon you, you’re much less likely to actually do it,” Chicvak said. “Whereas if you came up with this idea, you have some investment in it, and you’re more likely to actually follow through.”

Once a solution has been reached, both parties should walk out of the meeting certain of what actions are required on their part and what could happen if a similar conflict occurs again.

9. Follow Up

You’ll want to monitor the relationship between the employees and check in with each of the two parties to gauge whether the agreed-upon plan of action has been effective in resolving the conflict. If it hasn’t been effective, you may want to meet with the two parties again to develop another solution.

As a manager or HR leader, you can also use this experience as a learning opportunity to understand which circumstances are likely to create conflict in the future. By learning about the root causes of conflict and honing your conflict resolution skills, you can create space for disagreement and transform conflict into a force for improvement and innovation.

Related Reading What Is Employee Relations?

Why Is Conflict Resolution Important?

Most people try to avoid conflict because it is uncomfortable. But Nydick argues that conflict is the result of different ideas, and that talking through those differences offers an opportunity to find a better way of working — and potentially a new business strategy.

Conflict resolution is also key for building a healthy company culture. A 2017 survey of 1,344 full-time employees found that 53 percent of employees ignore “toxic” situations. By taking swift action to resolve a conflict, managers can prevent an isolated conflict from spreading across the team, creating a toxic culture of division and resentment.

Failing to properly manage conflict at work can result in additional consequences:

• Poor productivity.  Employees spend more than four hours per week dealing with conflict at work, according to a Myers-Briggs study . That time could be better spent elsewhere.  
• Low job satisfaction.  Employees who spent more time dealing with conflict had lower job satisfaction , according to the Myers-Briggs study. And people who viewed themselves as good at managing conflict had higher levels of job satisfaction.  
• High turnover.  If employees are feeling stressed or resentful about unresolved conflict, they will likely leave at the first chance they get to find happier coworkers and a healthier company culture.

Types of Conflict in the Workplace

Workplace conflicts are generally either substantive conflicts or personality conflicts.

1. Substantive conflicts are rooted in the work of an organization. For example:

• Two workers from different departments clash due to conflicting priorities.
• Teammates disagree on the best strategy for a project.

2. Personality conflicts are disagreements driven by emotions. For example:

• An employee complains that their ideas aren’t being heard because their coworker dominates every discussion.
• An employee with an expressive communication style assumes their coworker does not like them because their messages are terse.

According to Libby, substantive conflicts are “usually not malicious,” but often rooted in a passion for the mission of the organization or the craft of their profession: “People have strong feelings about things, and they care how things are done.” If a conflict is simply interpersonal, Libby often suggests looking inward to see how one can improve the situation.

Conflict mediators will want to keep the type of conflict in mind, as it can help determine the appropriate course of action. For instance, the solution of a personality conflict may simply involve one person changing their behavior, while a substantive conflict may require multiple parties to meet and discuss a viable path toward collaboration.

Examples of Conflict in the Workplace

Workplace conflicts can show up in many different ways, such as:

• Team members are given shared responsibilities and it’s unclear who is responsible for certain tasks.
• Workers disagree with senior leadership’s strategy for the company and begin to complain about it to their managers.
• An employee argues with a coworker because they have different feelings about current events.
• A dispute arises between two company leaders over the allocation of resources for their respective departments.
• An employee feels frustrated when they don’t understand their manager’s directions and are blamed for not meeting expectations.
• An employee believes they were unfairly passed over for a promotion by their manager.
• An organizational restructuring leaves some workers feeling confused and frustrated about their roles.
• Some employees feel that their coworkers take an unfair amount of time off.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution is the process of finding a solution to a dispute. In a workplace conflict, HR leaders, ombuds or third-party mediators will typically resolve a conflict by facilitating a dialogue between the two parties and finding a solution both parties can agree on.

What are the 5 conflict resolution strategies? 

Researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five strategies that people use to resolve conflicts: avoiding, competing, accommodating, collaborating and compromising. By identifying your conflict resolution strategy, you can learn how to become more assertive or cooperative to adapt to different personalities and situations.

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Team-Building Strategies: Building a Winning Team for Your Organization

Discover how to build a winning team and boost your business negotiation results in this free special report, Team Building Strategies for Your Organization, from Harvard Law School.

Conflict-Management Styles: Pitfalls and Best Practices

Conflict-management styles can affect how disputes play out in organizations and beyond. research on conflict-management styles offers advice on managing such difficult situations..

By Katie Shonk — on March 21st, 2024 / Conflict Resolution

People approach conflict differently, depending on their innate tendencies, their life experiences, and the demands of the moment. Negotiation and conflict-management research reveals how our differing conflict-management styles mesh with best practices in conflict resolution.

A Model of Conflict-Management Styles

In 1974, Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann introduced a questionnaire, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument , designed to measure people’s conflict styles. Based on people’s responses to pairs of statements, the instrument categorizes respondents into five different conflict styles:

• Competing. When adopting a competing style, people view interpersonal conflict resolution as win-lose games. Rather than recognizing the value of ensuring that each party walks away satisfied, disputants focus narrowly on claiming as much as they can for themselves. While value claiming is an important component of negotiation, a single-minded competitive orientation sacrifices value in the long run and perpetuates conflict.
• Avoiding. Because dealing with conflict directly can be highly uncomfortable, many of us prefer to avoid it. An avoidant conflict style might at first appear to be the opposite of a competitive style, but in fact, it can be similarly obstructive. When we avoid conflict, we often allow problems to grow worse.
• Accommodating. Because they defer so often to others, negotiators who adopt an accommodating style can seem agreeable and easygoing. But when people consistently put others’ needs first, they are liable to experience resentment that builds up over time. Accommodating negotiators typically will benefit from learning to express their needs and concerns.
• Compromising. Sometimes we try to resolve conflict by proposing seemingly equal compromises, such as meeting in the middle between two extreme positions, or by making a significant compromise just to move forward. Although a compromising conflict style can move a conversation forward, the solution is often unsatisfying and temporary because it doesn’t address the root issues at stake.
• Collaborating. Those who adopt a collaborative conflict-resolution style work to understand the deeper needs behind other parties’ demands and to express their own needs. They see value in working through strong emotions that come up, and they propose tradeoffs across issues that will give each side more of what they want.

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A collaborative negotiation style is usually the most effective style for managing conflict and fostering productive long-term relationships; however, different conflict-management styles can be effectively applied to different phases and types of conflict in management. Moreover, though we may have a predisposition toward a particular conflict style, we adopt different styles depending on the situation.

Competing is often useful when you’ve jointly created value through collaboration and now need to divide up resources. Accommodating may be the best immediate choice when your boss is unhappy about a project that went awry. Avoiding can be wise when someone seems volatile or when we don’t expect to deal with them again. And compromising can be a fine way of resolving a minor issue quickly.

Conflict-Management Styles : Lessons from Marriage Research

Can people with different conflict-management styles get along? In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last (Simon & Schuster, 1995), psychologist John Gottman writes that healthy marriages tend to settle into three different styles of problem solving: validating (compromising often and working out problems to mutual satisfaction), conflict-avoidant (agreeing to disagree and rarely confronting differences directly), and volatile (frequently engaging in passionate disputes).

Perhaps surprisingly, Gottman’s research suggests that “all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriage’s future,” as he writes. Which style a couple leans toward isn’t important; what’s more important for lasting satisfaction is that both spouses adopt the same style.

Though Gottman’s research was conducted on married couples, the results suggest that disputants in the business world who have similar conflict-management styles may find they feel comfortable managing (or avoiding) conflict with each other.

When Conflict-Management Styles Are Complementary

By contrast, in the realm of negotiation, the results of a 2015 study published in the journal Negotiation and Conflict Management Research by Scott Wiltermuth, Larissa Z. Tiedens, and Margaret Neale found benefits when pairs of participants used one of two different negotiating styles.

They assigned study participants to engage in a negotiation simulation using either a dominant or submissive negotiating style. Those assigned to be dominant were told to express their preferences with confidence, use expansive body postures, and otherwise try to influence their counterpart. Those assigned to the submissive style were told to be cooperative, agreeable, and conflict avoidant.

Interestingly, pairs in which one party behaved dominantly and the other submissively achieved better results in the negotiation than pairs who were in the same condition (whether dominance, submission, or a control group). It seems the pairs of dominant/submissive negotiators benefited from their complementary communication style. A pattern in which one person stated her preferences directly and the other asked questions enabled the negotiators to claim the most value. By asking questions, the submissive negotiators assessed how to meet their own goals—and helped their dominant counterparts feel respected and competent in the process.

The research we’ve covered on negotiation and conflict-management styles suggests that opportunities to work through differences abound, regardless of our natural tendencies. Rather than spending a lot of time diagnosing each other’s conflict-management styles, strive for open collaboration that confronts difficult emotions and encourages joint problem solving.

What lessons about conflict-management styles have you learned in your own negotiation and conflict-resolution efforts?

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Preparing for negotiation.

Understanding how to arrange the meeting space is a key aspect of preparing for negotiation. In this video, Professor Guhan Subramanian discusses a real world example of how seating arrangements can influence a negotiator’s success. This discussion was held at the 3 day executive education workshop for senior executives at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School.

Guhan Subramanian is the Professor of Law and Business at the Harvard Law School and Professor of Business Law at the Harvard Business School.

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14 Conflict Resolution Strategies for the Workplace

One lesson common to humanity is how to negotiate conflict skillfully.

In a keynote speech to graduate students in conflict analysis, international mediator Kenneth Cloke (2011) made a profound statement that has stayed with me to this day: “Conflict is the arrow pointing to what we need to learn the most.”

Interpersonal skills such as conflict resolution extend beyond social circles, affecting the workplace and illuminating lessons yet to be learned.

American businesses lose $359 billion yearly due to unresolved conflict and low productivity (Kauth, 2020). The physical, emotional, psychological, and interpersonal tolls are incalculable.

Can we seek a better understanding of conflict and transform its devastating effects?

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This Article Contains:

What is conflict resolution & why is it important, 5 psychological benefits of conflict resolution, 7 examples of conflict resolution skills, how to do conflict resolution: 2 approaches, 6 methods and approaches to apply in the office, 6 strategies and techniques for the workplace, best activities, games, workbooks, and online tools, helpful books for managers and organizations, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Pruitt and Kim (2004, pp. 7–8) describe conflict as “perceived divergence of interest, a belief that the parties’ current aspirations are incompatible.”

Conflict resolution is an agreement reached when all or most of the issues of contention are cleared up (Pruitt & Kim, 2004).

Further, conflict management is a product of successful problem-solving in which the parties have worked out ways to de-escalate conflict and avoid future escalations.

Conflict can be disruptive and, at worst, destructive. Once it erupts, it’s hard to control (Bolton, 1986). Emotions run high during conflict, blocking the path to rational solutions.

Conflict resolution is important because “when people experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions related to those conflicts” (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011, p. 2).

Some emotions commonly associated with conflict include fear, anger, distrust, rejection, defensiveness, hopelessness, resentment, and stress (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011; Bolton, 1986).

Another reason conflict resolution is important is because people involved in heavily contentious conflict are likely to experience “a wide range of psychological and physical health problems including weakened immune system, depression, alcoholism, and eating disorders” (Pruitt & Kim, 2004, pp. 11–12).

Clearly, languishing in this state of emotional upheaval and chaos is harmful emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

Conflict resolution: A theoretical framework

Realistic conflict theory assumes “conflict can always be explained by some tangible (like territory, money, prizes) or intangible (like power, prestige, honor) resource that is desired by both groups and is in short supply” (Pruitt & Kim, 2004, pp. 28–29).

This theory attempts to explain why conflict occurs as humans perpetually strive to acquire perceived needs.

Cortisol released because of ongoing stress soaks the brain’s nerve cells, causing memories to shrink (Leaf, 2008).

This affects the ability to think creatively, a helpful component for resolution.

In addition, the stress response increases blood sugar levels, speeding up our heart rate to pump blood to our arms, legs, and brain in preparation to escape (Leaf, 2008). This physiological fight-or-flight reaction  saps precious energy.

Dealing with emotions first will help reduce emotional arousal and stress. Once the body returns to normal, rational problem-solving skills can resume. Typically, people get into trouble when they address conflict at the peak of emotional arousal.

For this reason, acknowledge that the issue needs to be addressed but wait until emotions subside before engaging in a discussion. This ensures the issue is not ignored. In other words, conflict can be scheduled .

Some psychological benefits of conflict resolution include (Arslan, Hamarta, & Usla, 2010; Sexton & Orchard, 2016; Bolton, 1986):

• Stress reduction
• Improved self-esteem

Improved self-efficacy

• Better relationships

Increased energy

Let’s take a quick look at two of the most common benefits.

Self-efficacy is a person’s belief in their capability to complete a specific task successfully (Lunenburg, 2011). Learning and practicing skills such as effective communication and conflict resolution are essential building blocks for self-efficacy. Successful conflict resolution skills in the workplace increase confidence, promoting the likelihood of future successes (Lunenburg, 2011).

Increased self-efficacy “influences the tasks employees choose to learn and the goals they set for themselves” (Lunenburg, 2011, p. 1). It also influences employees’ efforts and perseverance when taking on and learning new tasks (Lunenburg, 2011).

Sometimes you have to expend energy to gain energy. Conflict robs individuals and organizations of precious energy. Mastering conflict resolution skills takes energy initially but can save energy in the long run through reduced stress and improved relationships and productivity.

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To reap the benefits of resolving conflict, certain helpful skills must be applied, and there are many conflict resolution skills that are effective for the workplace.

Below are skills believed to be crucial for resolving conflict.

1. Self-awareness

Self-awareness is described by Goleman (1995, p. 43) as “recognizing a feeling as it happens.” Goleman states that people with high self-awareness have moment-to-moment awareness and navigate life adeptly.

2. Self-control

Self-control is the ability to manage unruly impulses and emotions effectively. Because emotions play a central role in conflict, the ability to stay composed despite heightened emotions is essential to constructive resolution.

3. Assertive communication

Bolton (1986) describes assertive communication as a dynamic communication style in which the speaker maintains self-respect, expresses personal needs, and defends their own rights without abusing or dominating others.

While an aggressive communication style may shut down a conversation, assertiveness encourages dialogue. This skill takes practice and courage. Bolton (1986) asserts that less than 5% of the population communicates assertively.

4. Collaboration

According to Folger, Poole, and Stutman (2009), the goal of collaboration is to consider all the important needs of the primary parties and develop a solution that meets these needs.

5. Problem-solving

Problem-solving in relation to conflict resolution is a strategy that pursues alternative solutions that satisfy the needs and goals of the parties involved (Pruitt & Kim, 2004).

According to Sorensen (2017), empathy is the ability to share and understand the emotions and feelings of others. Our understanding of another person’s perspective can increase the likelihood of emotional connection and collaboration.

7. Listening

Active listening is one of the most underrated and underutilized conflict resolution skills. Listening during conflict achieves key goals, primarily putting an end to cyclical arguing and opening the door to empathy and understanding.

The conflict resolution method

This simple, three-step formula for conflict resolution works well for conflicts involving values and intense emotions.

Step 1: Engage with the other respectfully

Respect is an attitude shown through specific behaviors, such as how you look at the other person, how you listen, your tone of voice, and word choices.

Step 2: Listen fully until you experience their side

The goal of listening in this manner is to understand the content of the other person’s ideas or contributions, what it means for them, and their feelings about it.

Step 3: Verbalize your feelings, views, and needs

Assertive communication works well in this stage. Some caveats accompany this stage of conflict resolution:

• This step is not always necessary.
• Make your statement brief.
• Avoid loaded words.
• Be truthful and concise.
• Disclose your feelings.

Collaborative problem-solving

Bolton (1986) provides a six-step outline for collaboration when the issue is more about needs than emotions.

• Define the primary needs surrounding the conflict.
• Brainstorm possible solutions.
• Choose solutions that meet the needs of both parties.
• Create an agenda delineating who will assume each task.
• Implement the plan.
• Evaluate the solutions and reevaluate if needed.

The conflict resolution method and collaborative problem-solving are generalized approaches to conflict resolution when two or more parties are willing to work together on an issue.

Lipsky, Seeber, and Fincher (2003) provide approaches to work through issues that erupt in work settings.

1. The open door policy

This generalized philosophy is intended to show that management supports open dialogue and encourages staff to discuss differences that arise in the workplace. It is considered an initial step toward conflict resolution.

2. Ombudspersons

These are neutral or impartial managers who provide informal and confidential assistance to staff and management in order to resolve work-related disputes. Ombudspersons may wear a variety of hats, including mediator, fact-finder, consultant, and change agent.

3. Internal peer mediation

Some organizations call on designated employees as mediators to help resolve conflict. This method often addresses issues of a non-statutory nature, such as unfairness.

The success of this method rests on the careful selection of peer mediators based on their exemplary communication skills and abilities.

4. Professional mediators

Professional mediators are not connected with the organization in any way and function as independent, impartial, third parties who assist the primary parties through a formal mediation process.

Mediation is a viable option for creating structure to conflict resolution in an unbiased manner.

5. Peer review and employee appeals

This process is sometimes used by manufacturing organizations in an effort to avoid a union process. The underlying belief is that if at all possible, employee disputes should be resolved internally.

6. Executive panels

This method provides an opportunity for employees to present their claims to a panel of the organization’s senior executives, assuming they will be objective and sympathetic.

Using tools such as questionnaires, activities, and assessments can help employees work through conflict by adding insight and skills to the equation. Let’s look at some such tools.

2 Tools for groups

Often, people haven’t been taught the skills to discuss issues calmly and productively. The following worksheets can be used to provide structure to conflict.

Reviewing these worksheets before conflict erupts is a great opportunity to open a conversation and agree upon a conflict resolution process before matters spiral out of control.

The Remaining Calm During Conflict – I worksheet helps clients walk through conflict, providing tips on how to perceive conflict and deal with emotional reactions.

The Remaining Calm During Conflict – II worksheet encourages clients to journal about times when they did and did not remain calm during a workplace conflict.

2 Effective questionnaires

This self-assessment provided by CINERGY™ can be used to broaden the scope of awareness of ourselves and others, particularly during conflict. The assessment measures an individual’s current level of conflict intelligence.

This Conflict Management Styles Assessment , made available by the Blake Group, allows clients to uncover their primary conflict style and includes a description of the five conflict management styles.

A look at meditation for conflict resolution

This video provides an insightful awareness of our own habitual patterns and how these manifest in us and others during conflict.

Here is another recommended video that helps visualize how to prepare for conflict and build boundaries with others in a calm manner.

The Two Dollar Game

The Two Dollar Game was developed to help employees learn basic conflict styles and the art of negotiation in a fun, thoughtful way.

Conflict Description Template

This conflict management template created by the University of Iowa is intended to deal with conflict in a university setting but can easily apply to other teams or departments and used as an intuitive conflict mapping guide.

Coping With Stress in the Workplace Workbook by Ester Leutenberg and John Liptak

This workbook by Leutenberg and Liptak contains activities, assessments, journaling prompts, and educational handouts that can be photocopied and used to address conflict in the workplace.

Chapters contain resources about how to deal with workplace stress , different personalities, work habits, and relationships.

Online tools and resources for conflict resolution

The website Online Master of Legal Studies includes a wealth of Free Tools and Resources for Conflict Resolution . Some resources have been incorporated into this blog.

The wide variety of resources include a Cost of Conflict Calculator and tools to enhance cross-cultural communication.

Role-play activity

In this Assertive Message Role-Play , participants are presented with various workplace scenarios and encouraged to formulate assertive messages to initiate a discussion about the problem at hand.

1. People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts – Robert Bolton

Some books are classics.

This one has been used for years to help guide individuals through the communication and conflict resolution process.

It’s a great resource for anyone interested in building robust interpersonal skills.

Find the book on Amazon .

2. The Big Book of Conflict Resolution Games: Quick, Effective Activities to Improve Communication, Trust and Collaboration – Mary Scannell

This is a useful resource for incorporating activities and games to help employees listen to each other, engage productively, and create a culture of respect.

Topics include conflict, communication, diversity, trust, perspectives, emotional intelligence, and collaboration.

3. Emerging Systems for Managing Workplace Conflict – David Lipsky, Ronald Seeber, and Richard Fincher

The authors walk readers through the emergence of conflict in the workplace by creating dispute resolution systems for integration in a corporate setting.

This is a helpful resource for managers and corporate leaders interested in reducing the corporate costs of conflict.

4. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High – Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

Crucial Conversations is a New York Times bestseller that provides tools to traverse difficult and important conversations.

Ideas discussed in this book can help transform your career, organization, and community.

Readers learn how to listen and speak in ways that create safety and inclusion.

• Assertive Communication This worksheet helps clients learn the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication. Assertive communication is essential for expressing our needs and opinions, and defending our rights in a direct and respectful manner.
• Active Listening Reflection Worksheet Use this worksheet to help clients sharpen listening skills essential for conflict resolution.

The worksheet reviews eight essential skills for active listening and includes a reflection exercise to evaluate which skills we use effectively and which can be strengthened.

• Blindfold Guiding Exercise This exercise can be used as an icebreaker or as part of a  team-building exercise when members are struggling with trust issues.

Trust is a crucial element of team stability and is essential when conflict erupts. In this exercise, one person leads a blindfolded partner using simple statements. As trust builds, the duo can be instructed to speed up, slow down, or attempt to lead with silence.

• Generating Alternative Solutions and Better Decision-Making This worksheet provides a map to work through problem-solving by considering three solutions to a specific issue accompanied by a discussion on the efficacy, do-ability, and effectiveness of the identified solution.
• 17 Positive Communication Exercises If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners . Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

Conflict divides. The effects of poorly handled conflict range from disruptive to destructive. It robs individuals and organizations of precious resources, such as energy, productivity, peace, and harmony.

Regardless of our station in life, we all still have lessons to learn.

Will we ever be free of conflict? Perhaps we can look at it another way. As we gain skills and experience successes resolving conflict, we can anticipate the next conflict and the next lesson, mindful of the potential wisdom and strengths we’ll gain in the process.

Are you facing an unresolved conflict at work or in your personal life? Try not to be discouraged; instead, think of it as your next life lesson waiting to be discovered.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Work & Career Coaching Exercises for free .

• Arslan, C., Hamarta, E., & Usla, M. (2010). The relationship between conflict communication, self-esteem and life satisfaction in university students.  Educational Research and Reviews ,  5 (1), 31–34.
• Bolton, R. (1986). People skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflict . Touchstone.
• Cloke, K. (2011). Untitled [Keynote Speaker]. In 24th Residential Institute – Winter 2011 . Nova Southeastern University.
• Folger, J. P., Poole, M. S., & Stutman, R. K. (2009). Working through conflict: Strategies for relationships, groups, and organizations . Pearson Education.
• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ . Bantam Books.
• Kauth, K. (2020, January). Cost of workplace conflict . Mediate.com. Retrieved November 27, 2021, from https://www.mediate.com/articles/kauth-cost-workplace.cfm
• Leaf, C. (2008). Who switched off my brain? Controlling toxic thoughts and emotions . Thomas Nelson.
• Leutenberg, E. R. A., & Liptak, J. J. (2014).  Coping with stress in the workplace workbook.  Whole Person Associates.
• Lipsky, D. B., Seeber, R. L., & Fincher, R. D. (2003). Emerging systems for managing workplace conflict . Jossey-Bass.
• Lunenburg, F. C. (2011). Self-efficacy in the workplace: Implications for motivation and performance. International Journal of Management, Business, and Administration , 14 (1), 1–6.
• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2011).  Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high  (2nd ed.). McGraw Hill.
• Pruitt, D. G., & Kim, S. H. (2004). Social conflict: Escalation, stalemate, and settlement (3rd ed.). McGraw Hill.
• Scannell, M. (2010).  The big book of conflict resolution games: Quick, effective activities to improve communication, trust and collaboration.  McGraw Hill.
• Sexton, M., & Orchard, C. (2016). Understanding healthcare professionals’ self-efficacy to resolve interprofessional conflict. Journal of Interprofessional Care , 30 (3), 316–323.
• Sorensen, M. S. (2017). I hear you: The surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationships . Autumn Creek Press.
• Wilmot, W., & Hocker, J. (2011). Interpersonal conflict (8th ed.). McGraw Hill.

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This is probably the most complete, and beneficial articles I have read about conflict resolution in a long while. Dr. Wilson has seamlessly woven all the important pieces of information, tools, and further readings for us. What a joy to read!

The post is helpful for many working people as scaling down such nasty situations is the best course of action. There are many interesting aspects about human coalitional psychology in Albuquerque, NM, that many are unaware of and are something you need to know.

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Home » Language » English Language » Words and Meanings » Difference Between Conflict and Problem

Difference Between Conflict and Problem

Main difference – conflict vs problem.

Conflict and problems are two words that typically describe negative situations or matters. A conflict is a disagreement or clash, which can be between two or more people or concepts. A problem is a matter or situation that is considered as harmful or unpleasant. A conflict can be described as a problem. The key difference between conflict and problem is that a conflict always has two or more parties whereas problems have no such parties.

Key Areas Covered

1.  What is a Conflict       – Definition, Usage, Examples 2.  What is a Problem     – Definition, Usage, Examples 3.  What is the Difference Between Conflict and Problem     – Comparison of Key Differences

Key Terms: Argument, Conflict, Intra-group Conflict, Problem

What is a Conflict

A conflict is a serious disagreement or argument .  In a conflict, there is some form of friction or discord between two people or a group. This happens when the beliefs or actions of one or more members of the group are unacceptable to or resisted by one or more members of another group. A conflict usually lasts for a longer time period. A conflict that happens between members of the same group is known as an intra-group conflict . Conflicts can also happen between members of two groups. Conflicts can also involve violence. Quarrels/arguments between individual, labor strikes, or armed conflicts are some examples of conflicts.  

Conflict can also refer to a clash or incompatibility between two concepts or arguments; for example, the conflict between science and religion. The following sentences will help you to understand the meaning and usage of the term conflict .

• The conflict between doctors and minor medical staff resulted in a three-day
• There was a conflict between his personal life and professional life.
• The conflict between the education minister and the health minister was finally resolved by the president.
• Johnathan’s will was a source of conflict between his children.

What is a Problem

Problem is one of the most commonly used terms in the language. It has several related meanings in different contexts. Some of these meanings include

• a question raised for inquiry, consideration, or solution
• a source of perplexity, distress, or vexation (Merriam-Webster)
• a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome (Oxford Dictionary)

The following sentences will help you to understand the meaning and usage of the term problem .

• He was facing some financial problems.
• The principal held a meeting to discuss the problems related to students’ low performance.
• She was worried about some family problems.
• He saw racism and sexism as two major social problems.
• Insufficient funds and the use of poor quality products are the major sources of the problem.

Conflict: Conflict is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.

Problem: Problem is a matter or situation considered as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.

Conflict: There are two or more parties in a problem.

Problem: There are no parties.

Implications

Conflict: The term conflict implies incompatibility, disagreement or clash.

Problem: The problem implies difficulty, doubt, or uncertainty.

Time Period

Conflict: Conflict typically lasts for a long time.

Problem: Some problems can be resolved very quickly.

There is a distinct difference between conflict and problem. A conflict is a disagreement or clash, which can be between two or more people or concepts. A problem is a matter or situation that is considered as harmful or unpleasant.

Image Courtesy:

1. “A problem” By Zahy1412 – Own work (CC BY-SA 4.0) via Commons Wikimedia 2. “Conflict Silhouette” (Public Domain) via PublicDomainPictures.net

About the Author: Hasa

Hasanthi is a seasoned content writer and editor with over 8 years of experience. Armed with a BA degree in English and a knack for digital marketing, she explores her passions for literature, history, culture, and food through her engaging and informative writing.

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