online dating essay questions

Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science

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Although the authors find that online dating sites offer a distinctly different experience than conventional dating, the superiority of these sites is not as evident. Dating sites provide access to more potential partners than do traditional dating methods, but the act of browsing and comparing large numbers of profiles can lead individuals to commoditize potential partners and can reduce their willingness to commit to any one person. Communicating online can foster intimacy and affection between strangers, but it can also lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when potential partners meet in real life. Although many dating sites tout the superiority of partner matching through the use of “scientific algorithms,” the authors find that there is little evidence that these algorithms can predict whether people are good matches or will have chemistry with one another.

The authors’ overarching assessment of online dating sites is that scientifically, they just don’t measure up. As online dating matures, however, it is likely that more and more people will avail themselves of these services, and if development — and use — of these sites is guided by rigorous psychological science, they may become a more promising way for people to meet their perfect partners.

Hear author Eli J. Finkel discuss the science behind online dating at the 24th APS Annual Convention .

About the Authors

Editorial: Online Dating:  The Current Status —and Beyond

By Arthur Aron

I agree wholeheartedly that so-called scientific dating sites are totally off-base. They make worse matches than just using a random site. That’s because their matching criteria are hardly scientific, as far as romance goes. They also have a very small pool of educated, older men, and lots more women. Therefore they often come up with no matches at all, despite the fact that women with many different personality types in that age group have joined. They are an expensive rip-off for many women over 45.

Speaking as someone who was recently “commoditized” by who I thought was a wonderful man I met on a dating site, I find that the types of people who use these services are looking at the wrong metrics when they seek out a prospective love interest. My mother and father had very few hobbies and interests in common, but because they shared the same core values, their love endured a lifetime. When I got dumped because I didn’t share my S.O.’s interests exactly down the line, I realized how dangerous this line of thinking truly is, how it marginalizes people who really want to give and receive love for more important reasons.

I met a few potential love interests online and I never paid for any matching service! I did my own research on people and chatted online within a site to see if we had things in common. If we had a few things in common, we exchanged numbers, texted for a while, eventually spoke on the phone and if things felt right, we’d meet in a public place to talk. If that went well, we would have another date. I am currently with a man I met online and we have been together for two years! We have plans to marry in the future. But there is always the thought that if this doesn’t work out, how long will it take either of us to jump right back online to find the next possible love connection? I myself would probably start looking right away since looking for love online is a lengthy process!

I knew this man 40 years ago as we worked in the same agency for two years but never dated. Last November 2013 I saw his profile on a dating site. My husband had died four years ago and his wife died 11 years ago. We dated for five months. I questioned him about his continued online search as I had access to his username. Five months into the friendship he told me he “Was looking for his dream women in cyberspace”. I think he has been on these dating sites for over 5 years. Needless to say I will not tolerate this and it was over. I am sad, frustrated and angry how this ended as underneath all of his insecurities, unresolved issues with his wife’s death he is a good guy. I had been on these dating sties for 2 and 1/2 years and now I am looking at Matchmaking services as a better choice in finding a “Better good guy”.

I refer to these sites as “Designer Dating” sites. I liken the search process to ‘Window Shopping’. No-one seems very interested in making an actual purchase or commitment. I notice that all the previous comments are from women only. I agree with the article that says essentially, there are too many profiles and photos. Having fallen under this spell myself…”Oh, he’s nice but I’m sure there’s something better on the next page…” Click. Next. And on it goes. The term Chemistry gets thrown around a lot. I don’t know folks. I sure ain’t feelin’ it. Think I’ll go hang out with some friends now.

Stumbling upon this article during research for my Master thesis and I am curious: Would you use an app, that introduces a new way of dating, solely based on your voice and who you are, rather than how you look like? To me, we don’t fall in love with someone because of their looks (or their body mass index for that matter) or because of an algorithm, but because of the way somebody makes you feel and the way s.o. makes you laugh. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter if someone has blue or brown eyes and my experience is, that most people place fake, manipulated or outdated pictures online to sell someone we don’t really are. And we are definitely more than our looks. I found my partner online and we had no picture of each other for three months – but we talked every night for hours…. fell in love and still are after 10 years… We met on a different level and got aligned long before we met. So, the question is, would you give this way of meeting someone a chance… an app where you can listen in to answers people give to questions other user asked before and where you can get a feeling for somebody before you even see them?

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A new NIH report emphasizes the importance of behavioral science in improving health, observes that support for these sciences at NIH is unevenly distributed, and makes recommendations for how to improve their support at the agency.

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APS has responded to urge that psychological science expertise be included in the group’s personnel and activities.

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Key findings about online dating in the u.s..

Online dating in the United States has evolved over the past several decades into a booming industry , transforming the way some people meet matches . A new report from Pew Research Center explores the upsides and downsides of online dating by highlighting Americans’ experiences and views about it. Here are 12 key takeaways.

Pew Research Center conducted this study to understand Americans’ experiences with dating sites and apps and their views of online dating generally. This analysis is based on a survey conducted among 6,034 U.S. adults from July 5-17, 2022. This included 4,996 respondents from the Center’s American Trends Panel (ATP), an online survey panel that is recruited through national, random sampling of residential addresses. This way nearly all U.S. adults have a chance of selection. It also included an oversample of 1,038 respondents from Ipsos’ KnowledgePanel who indicated that they are lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB), with oversampled groups weighted back to reflect proportions in the population. The survey is weighted to be representative of the U.S. adult population by gender, race, ethnicity, partisan affiliation, education and other categories. Read more about the ATP’s methodology .

Here are the questions used for this analysis, along with responses, and its methodology .

Terminology

• Online dating users refers to the 30% of Americans who answered yes to the following question: “Have you ever used an online dating site or dating app?”
• Current or recent online dating users refers to the 9% of adults who had used a dating site or app in the past year as of the July survey.
• Partnered refers to the 69% of U.S. adults who describe themselves as married, living with a partner, or in a committed romantic relationship.
• LGB refers to those who are lesbian, gay or bisexual. These groups are combined because of small sample sizes. Additionally, since this research is focused on sexual orientation, not gender identity, and due to the fact that the transgender population in the U.S. is very small, transgender respondents are not identified separately. Read the report for more details.

A note about the Asian adult sample

This survey includes a total sample size of 234 Asian adults. The sample primarily includes English-speaking Asian adults and therefore may not be representative of the overall Asian adult population. Despite this limitation, it is important to report the views of Asian adults on the topics in this study. As always, Asian adults’ responses are incorporated into the general population figures throughout this report. Asian adults are shown as a separate group when the question was asked of the full sample. Because of the relatively small sample size and a reduction in precision due to weighting, results are not shown separately for Asian adults for questions that were only asked of online dating users or other filtered questions. We are also not able to analyze Asian adults by demographic categories, such as gender, age or education.

Three-in-ten U.S. adults say they have ever used a dating site or app, identical to the share who said this in 2019 . That includes 9% who report doing so in the past year, according to the Center’s survey of 6,034 adults conducted July 5-17, 2022.

Online dating is more common among younger adults than among older people. About half of those under 30 (53%) report having ever used a dating site or app, compared with 37% of those ages 30 to 49, 20% of those 50 to 64 and 13% of those 65 and older.

When looking at sexual orientation, lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) adults are more likely than their straight counterparts to say they have ever used a dating site or app (51% vs. 28%).

Men are somewhat more likely than women to have tried online dating (34% vs. 27%), as are those with at least some college education when compared with those with a high school education or less.

Adults who have never been married are much more likely than married adults to report having used online dating sites or apps (52% vs. 16%). Adults who are currently living with a partner (46%) or who are divorced, separated or widowed (36%) are also more likely to have tried online dating than married adults.

There are no statistically significant differences in the shares of adults who report ever using an online dating platform by race or ethnicity: Similar shares of White, Black, Hispanic and Asian adults report ever having done so.

Tinder tops the list of dating sites or apps the survey studied and is particularly popular among adults under 30. Some 46% of online dating users say they have ever used Tinder, followed by about three-in-ten who have used Match (31%) or Bumble (28%). OkCupid, eharmony and Hinge are each used by about a fifth of online dating users. Grindr and HER are used by very few online dating users overall (6% and 3%, respectively) but are more widely used by LGB adults than straight adults. Additionally, 31% of online dating users mention having tried some other online dating platform not asked about directly in this survey. (Read the topline  for a list of the most common other dating sites and apps users mentioned.)

Tinder use is far more common among younger adults than among older Americans: 79% of online dating users under 30 say they have used the platform, compared with 44% of users ages 30 to 49, 17% of users 50 to 64 and just 1% of those 65 and older. Tinder is the top online dating platform among users under 50. By contrast, users 50 and older are about five times more likely to use Match than Tinder (50% vs. 11%).

One-in-ten partnered adults – meaning those who are married, living with a partner or in a committed romantic relationship – met their current significant other through a dating site or app. Partnered adults who are under 30 or who are LGB stand out from other groups when looking at this measure of online dating “success”: One-in-five partnered adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner on a dating site or app, as do about a quarter of partnered LGB adults (24%).

Online dating users are somewhat divided over whether their experiences on these platforms have been positive or negative. Among those who have ever used a dating site or app, slightly more say their personal experiences have been very or somewhat positive than say they have been very or somewhat negative (53% vs. 46%).

Some demographic groups are more likely to report positive experiences. For example, 57% of men who have dated online say their experiences have been positive, while women users are roughly split down the middle (48% positive, 51% negative). In addition, LGB users of these platforms are more likely than straight users to report positive experiences (61% vs. 53%).

Roughly a third of online dating users (35%) say they have ever paid to use one of these platforms – including for extra features – but this varies by income, age and gender. Some 45% of online dating users with upper incomes report having paid to use a dating site or app, compared with 36% of users with middle incomes and 28% of those with lower incomes. Similarly, 41% of users 30 and older say they have paid to use these platforms, compared with 22% of those under 30. Men who have dated online are more likely than women to report having paid for these sites and apps (41% vs. 29%).

Those who have ever paid to use dating sites or apps report more positive experiences than those who have never paid. Around six-in-ten paid users (58%) say their personal experiences with dating sites or apps have been positive; half of users who have never paid say this.

Women who have used online dating platforms in the past year are more likely to feel overwhelmed by the number of messages they get, while men are more likely to feel insecure about a lack of messages. Among current or recent online dating users, 54% of women say they have felt overwhelmed by the number of messages they received on dating sites or apps in the past year, while just a quarter of men say the same. By contrast, 64% of men say they have felt insecure because of the lack of messages they received, while four-in-ten women say the same.

Overall, 55% of adults who have used a dating app or site in the past year say they often or sometimes felt insecure about the number of messages they received, while 36% say they often or sometimes felt overwhelmed.

Among recent online daters, large majorities of men and women say they have often or sometimes felt excited by the people they have seen while using these platforms, though large majorities also say they have often or sometimes felt disappointed.

When asked why they’ve turned to dating sites or apps in the past year, 44% of users say a major reason was to meet a long-term partner and 40% say a major reason was to date casually. Smaller shares say a major reason was to have casual sex (24%) or make new friends (22%).

Men who have used a dating platform in the past year are much more likely than women to say casual sex was a major reason (31% vs. 13%). There are no statistically significant gender differences on the other three reasons asked about in the survey.

About four-in-ten U.S. adults overall (42%) say online dating has made the search for a long-term partner easier. Far fewer (22%) say it has made the search for a long-term partner or spouse harder. About a third (32%) say it has made no difference.

Adults under 30 are less convinced than their older counterparts that online dating has made the search for a partner easier. These younger adults are about evenly divided in their views, with 35% of those ages 18 to 29 saying it has made the search easier and 33% saying it has made the search harder.

When it comes to the choices people have on dating sites and apps, 43% of adults overall say people have the right amount of options for dating on these platforms, while 37% think choices are too plentiful. Fewer (13%) say there are not enough options.

Most U.S. adults are skeptical or unsure that dating algorithms can predict love. About one-in-five adults (21%) think that the types of computer programs that dating sites and apps use could determine whether two people will eventually fall in love. But greater shares of Americans either say these programs could not do this (35%) or are unsure (43%).

Americans are split on whether online dating is a safe way to meet people, and a majority support requiring background checks before someone can create a profile. The share of U.S. adults who say online dating is generally a very or somewhat safe way to meet people has dipped slightly since 2019, from 53% to 48%. Women are more likely than men to say online dating is not too or not at all safe.

There are also differences by age: 62% of Americans ages 65 and older say online dating is not safe, compared with 53% of those 50 to 64 and 42% of adults younger than 50. Those who have never used a dating site or app are particularly likely to think it is unsafe: 57% say this, compared with 32% of those who have used an online dating site or app.

At the same time, six-in-ten Americans say companies should require background checks before someone creates a dating profile, while 15% say they should not and 24% are not sure. Women are more likely than men to say these checks should be required, as are adults 50 and older compared with younger adults.

These checks do not have majority support among online dating users themselves, however: 47% of users say companies should require background checks, versus 65% of those who have never used a dating site or app.

Younger women who have used dating sites or apps stand out for experiencing unwanted behaviors on these platforms. A majority of women under 50 who have used dating sites or apps (56%) say they have been sent a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for, and about four-in-ten have had someone continue to contact them after they said they were not interested (43%) or have been called an offensive name (37%). Roughly one-in-ten of this group (11%) have received threats of physical harm. Each of these experiences is less common among women online dating users ages 50 and older, as well as among men of any age.

Among all online dating users, 38% have ever received unsolicited sexually explicit messages or images while using a dating site or app; 30% have experienced continued unwanted contact; 24% have been called an offensive name; and 6% have been threatened with physical harm.

About half of those who have used dating sites and apps (52%) say they have come across someone they think was trying to scam them. Men under 50 are particularly likely to say they have had this experience: 63% of men in this age group who have used dating sites or apps think they have encountered a scammer on them. Smaller shares of men ages 50 and older (47%) and women of any age (44%) say the same.

Note: Here are the questions used for this analysis, along with responses, and its methodology .

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About half of never-married Americans have used an online dating site or app

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About Pew Research Center Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan fact tank that informs the public about the issues, attitudes and trends shaping the world. It conducts public opinion polling, demographic research, media content analysis and other empirical social science research. Pew Research Center does not take policy positions. It is a subsidiary of The Pew Charitable Trusts .

230 Questions to Ask When Online Dating

Navigating the world of online dating can be like walking through a maze blindfolded. You’re seeking a genuine connection, but how do you sift through profiles to find the real deal?

The key lies in the questions you ask. They’re not just conversation starters; they’re windows into the soul, unveiling the true person behind the screen.

This article will explore a variety of questions that aim to bring clarity, depth, and a touch of fun to your online dating conversations.

Table of Contents

Questions to Ask a New Match

Dive into the world of your online match with questions that uncover their first impressions, reasons for swiping right, and what piqued their interest in your profile. Discover the perfect icebreakers for sparking a connection.

• What sparked your interest in my profile?
• What’s a quirky fact about you that’s not in your profile?
• What inspired you to try online dating?
• Have you had any interesting or funny experiences since you started online dating?
• What’s one thing you think makes a profile stand out?
• How do you usually decide if you want to take the conversation off the app/site and meet in person?
• What’s your approach to online dating – are you in it more for fun, or are you hoping to find something serious?
• How do you feel about the idea of a video call before meeting up in person?
• What’s one thing you wish people asked you more about when online dating?
• Have you found anything particularly challenging about online dating?
• What’s your viewpoint on who should send the first message?
• How do you usually gauge if you’re compatible with someone online?
• What are your thoughts on sharing personal details or life updates on your dating profile?
• How do you balance online dating with your day-to-day responsibilities?
• What are your deal breakers when you’re scrolling through profiles?
• In your experience, what’s the best way to handle disagreements or misunderstandings that come up when messaging online?
• How has your perception of online dating changed since you first started, and what advice would you give to a newbie?

Questions About Values and Beliefs

Explore the deeper aspects of your match’s personality with thoughtful inquiries about what drives them, their moral compass, and the values they hold dear. These questions can help you understand the foundation of their character.

• What do you believe in most?
• What is your moral code?
• What do you think is most important in life?
• What do you think is least important in life?
• What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship?
• What do you think is the least important thing in a relationship?
• What do you think makes a relationship successful?
• What is your biggest pet peeve?
• What is your religious or spiritual background?
• What are your political beliefs?
• What are your values and principles?
• What are your beliefs about love and relationships?
• What are your beliefs about life and its purpose?
• Do you consider yourself a liberal or a conservative?
• Do you have any prejudices or bigotry?
• Are you comfortable with discussing sensitive topics like race, religion, and politics?
• Is there anything in my background or lifestyle that you would find difficult to accept?
• Are you willing to compromise on some of your beliefs or values in order to make a relationship work?
•  Do you believe in God?
• Do you think that marriage is an outdated institution?

Questions About Dating and Past Relationships

Gain insight into your match’s romantic history and dating style with tactful questions about their experiences in love and lessons they’ve learned, helping you gauge relationship compatibility.

• What are your expectations for a past relationship?
• What are your dating deal-breakers?
• How do you communicate in a relationship?
• How do you handle conflicts in your past relationship?
• What makes a good first date?
• How do you like to be shown affection?
• What do you think makes a relationship last?
• What do you think makes a relationship fail?
• What do you look for in a partner?
• What is the most important quality of a partner?
• What is the least important quality in a partner?
• What do you think is the biggest challenge in a relationship?
• What is the biggest opportunity in a relationship?
• What do you think is the biggest reward in a relationship?
• What are your priorities in a relationship?
• What are your goals in a relationship?
• What are your needs and wants in a relationship?
• What are your strengths in a relationship?
• What are your weaknesses in a relationship?
• What are your passions in a relationship?
• What are your interests in a relationship?
• What are your hopes for a relationship?
• What are your fears and doubts in a relationship?
• What are your lessons and learnings in a relationship?
• What is your philosophy on love and relationships?
• What is your perspective on dating and relationships?
• What is your approach to dating and relationships?
• What is your mindset about dating and relationships?
• What is your principle on dating and relationships?
• What is your expectation on dating and relationships?

Questions About Interests and Hobbies

Uncover the passions and pastimes that light up your match’s life. These questions help you find common ground and potential shared activities.

• What is your favorite music?
• What is your favorite food?
• What is your favorite movie?
• What is your favorite TV show?
• What is your favorite book?
• What is your favorite color?
• What is your favorite sport?
• What is your favorite team?
• What is your favorite place to travel?
• What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend?
• What is your favorite thing to do on vacation?
• Do you enjoy traveling or exploring new places?
• What do you like to do in your free time?
• What do you want to do on your days off?
• What is your favorite outdoor activity?
• What is your favorite indoor activity?
• What do you like to do when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed?
• What do you want to do when you’re feeling happy and excited?
• What is your favorite thing to do for fun?
• What is your favorite hobby or pastime?
• What is your favorite thing to do for relaxation?
• What is your favorite thing to do for adventure?
• What is your favorite thing to do for creativity?
• What is your favorite thing to do for fitness?
• What is your favorite thing to do for socializing?
• What is your favorite thing to do for learning?
• What is your favorite thing to do for entertainment?
• What is your favorite thing to do for self-improvement?
• What is your favorite thing to do for personal growth?
• What is your favorite thing to do for enjoyment?
• What is your favorite thing to do for inspiration?
• What is your favorite thing to do for a challenge?

Questions About Family and Friends

Learn about the key people in your match’s life with questions about their family dynamics, friendships, and the role these relationships play. It’s a way to understand their social circle and values in interpersonal relationships.

• How would you describe your relationship with your family?
• Do you come from a big family or a small one? What’s that like for you?
• How often do you spend time with your family?
• What are some traditions you and your family celebrate together?
• Do you have siblings? What are your relationships with them like?
• How important is your family’s approval in your dating life?
• What’s your favorite memory with your family?
• Who in your family are you closest to, and why?
• How do your friends describe you?
• What role do your friends play in your life?
• What’s your ideal way to spend time with friends?
• Have you maintained friendships from childhood, or do you find yourself making new friends as you go?
• How do you support your friends when they are going through a tough time?
• Do you have a best friend? Can you share a story that highlights your friendship?
• How do you usually meet new friends, and has that changed since you started online dating?

Questions About Future Plans and Goals

Discuss aspirations, career ambitions, and life goals to see if your futures align. These questions can help you understand where they’re headed and if your paths might intertwine.

• What are your long-term goals for your career or personal life?
• Where do you see yourself living in the next 5 to 10 years?
• Do you have any goals related to personal development or self-improvement?
• How do you plan on achieving your current goals?
• Do you have any dream projects or ventures you’d like to start?
• What are your thoughts on marriage and long-term partnerships?
• Do you want children in the future, and if so, how many?
• How does travel fit into your future plans?
• Are you looking to settle down in the near future or more focused on exploring and adventure?
• Do you have any financial goals, like buying a house or investing?
• How do you prioritize your goals and manage your time to work towards them?
• Are there any skills or hobbies you’d like to develop in the future?
• How important is it for your partner to share similar goals or support your ambitions?
• What’s something you’re looking forward to in the next year?
• How do you envision a partner fitting into your life as you work towards your goals?

Questions About Personal Growth and Self-Improvement

Encourage your match to reflect on their journey of self-discovery and improvement. These questions reveal their commitment to personal development and what they’re doing to better themselves.

• What aspect of your life are you currently working to improve?
• Can you share a recent accomplishment that you’re proud of?
• How do you handle constructive criticism or feedback?
• What motivates you to keep growing and learning?
• Do you have any habits or routines that you believe contribute to your personal development?
• What’s a challenge you’ve overcome that has taught you a lot about yourself?
• How do you approach setting and achieving your personal goals?
• Are there any books or resources that have significantly influenced your personal growth journey?
• In what ways do you believe a relationship can contribute to personal growth?
• What’s a skill or hobby you’ve picked up recently?
• How do you balance self-improvement with self-acceptance?
• What does personal growth mean to you in the context of a romantic relationship?
• Have you ever worked with a coach or therapist for personal development? How was that experience?
• What traits in a partner would inspire you to become a better person?
• How do you recharge or reset when you feel stuck in life?

Questions About Life Experiences and Adventures

Invite your match to share the stories that have shaped them with questions about their most exciting adventures and life-defining moments. It’s a chance to share thrills and reflect on transformative experiences.

• What’s the most exciting adventure you’ve ever been on?
• Can you tell me about a time you took a risk and it paid off?
• What’s one experience that has significantly shaped who you are today?
• Have you ever lived in another country or city? What was that like?
• What’s the most spontaneous thing you have ever done?
• Can you share a particularly memorable moment from your travels?
• What’s something new you’ve tried in the past year?
• Have you ever had a ‘eureka’ moment in life? What led to it?
• What’s a lesson you learned the hard way, and how has it impacted you?
• Is there an event or moment in your life that you think would make a great movie scene?
• Have you ever volunteered or worked on a project that felt bigger than yourself?
• What was your favorite age growing up, and what made it special?
• What’s an unforgettable experience you’d like to relive?
• Have you ever faced a fear or phobia head-on?
• What’s a significant crossroads you’ve encountered in life, and how did you decide which path to take?

Questions to Ask if You’re Not Moving Forward

When you sense that your online dating conversation isn’t progressing or you’re unsure about whether to continue the interaction, it might be helpful to ask questions that can clarify intentions and compatibility. 

• Do you feel like we have enough in common to continue getting to know each other?
• Have you enjoyed our conversations so far?
• Is there something more you’d like to know about me that we haven’t discussed yet?
• Do you have any hesitations or concerns about our interaction that you’d like to talk about?
• How do you usually know when you’ve made a connection with someone online?
• Are there qualities you’re looking for in a match that we haven’t touched on yet?
• In your opinion, what’s the best way to keep a conversation engaging online?
• Is there a particular direction you’d like our conversation to go?
• How do you feel about the pace of our conversation? Are we moving too fast, too slow, or just right?
• What does your ideal online dating experience look like, and are we on track with that?
• Have you noticed any red flags or deal breakers in our conversation that you’d like to address?
• Are there topics or questions you find essential to discuss early on in online dating?
• Do you generally prefer to take things offline quickly or get to know someone online over a longer period?
• Are there things in your life right now that might be impacting your online dating experience?
• Would you like to reset our conversation, and if so, what topic would you choose to start with?

Questions You Shouldn’t Ask

When navigating the world of online dating, there are certainly questions that can be too invasive, inappropriate, or simply off-putting, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone.

• How much money do you make?
• Why are you still single?
• How many people have you slept with?
• Can you send me more pictures of yourself?
• What are your weight or body measurements?
• Have you ever cheated on a partner?
• Why did your last relationship end?
• What’s your political stance on [controversial issue]?
• Do you have any health problems or diseases?
• How much debt do you have?
• What’s your religion, and can you explain why you believe in it?
• What are your deepest regrets in life?
• Are your parents still together, and if not, why did they split up?
• Do you have a good relationship with your exes?
• Why aren’t you answering my messages quickly?

Online Dating Questions to Ask Him

Tailor your conversation to find out what makes him tick with questions that range from light-hearted to deep, designed to understand his perspective on life, love, and everything in between.

• What are some things that make you laugh?
• What’s your idea of a great first date?
• What kind of sports or physical activities do you enjoy?
• What’s something you’re really good at that not many people know about?
• How do you define masculinity, and what does it mean to you?
• What’s your favorite way to challenge yourself mentally or physically?
• What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received?
• How do you usually decide if you’re ready to move a relationship from online to in-person?
• How do you prefer to communicate throughout the day with someone you’re dating (text, phone calls, video chat)?
• What’s the most interesting concert or live event you’ve been to?
• What’s an aspect of your personality that you think stands out in the world of online dating?

Online Dating Questions to Ask Her

Navigate the online dating realm with a woman by asking questions that allow her to share her story. From laughter to dreams, these questions are crafted to get to know her beyond the profile.

• What’s a recent highlight in your life that you’re excited about?
• How do you like to spend your free time? Are there any hobbies you’re passionate about?
• What’s your favorite way to explore a new city or place that you’re visiting?
• Do you have a favorite quote or motto that inspires you?
• What’s the last book you read that you couldn’t put down, and what did you love about it?
• How important is fitness or physical activity in your lifestyle?
• What does your ideal morning routine look like?
• What kind of movies or TV shows do you find most captivating?
• What kind of things make you laugh the loudest?
• How do you like to unwind and de-stress after a hectic week?
• How do you like to spend your holidays? Do you prefer big family gatherings, traveling, or something else?
• What’s an experience that has taught you a lot about yourself?
• What are your thoughts on personal space and independence in a relationship?
• What’s one change you’ve made in your life that has had the biggest impact on you?
• What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given about life, love, or friendship?

Funny Questions to Ask on a Dating App

Injecting humor into your online dating conversations can keep the mood light and show your playful side. Here are several funny questions you could ask on a dating app:

• If you were a vegetable, which one would you be and why?
• What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
• What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard or received?
• If you could have any superpower just for dating, what would it be?
• What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve done on a dare?
• Do you have a funny story about a time you tried to impress a date, but it went horribly wrong?
• If you were to write a book about your life, what genre would it be, and what would the title be?
• Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? How did you recover from it?
• What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen someone do in public?
• If your life were a sitcom, what would it be called, and who would play you?
• Which fictional character would you want as your sidekick in real life?
• Have you ever had a “You had to be there” moment, and can you try to explain it anyway?
• What’s the most imaginative insult you can come up with that’s not actually mean?
• If animals could talk, which species do you think would be the rudest?
• If you could be a master at any game, which game would you choose to dominate at parties?

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you keep a conversation going when online dating.

To keep an online dating conversation going,  engage with thoughtful questions , show interest in the person’s life, and share relatable experiences.

Avoid monosyllabic replies and strive to  ask open-ended questions  that encourage detailed responses. Keep the exchange balanced by sharing stories about yourself that relate to the topics discussed. 

Humor  can also be a great way to maintain an engaging conversation, but ensure it’s appropriate and considerate.

How do you flirt while online dating?

Flirting online can be done effectively by:

Compliments:  Give sincere, specific compliments to make the other person feel special. Playful teasing:  Light, friendly teasing can be engaging if done respectfully. Emojis and GIFs:  Use them to add a fun element to the conversation. Subtle hints:  Drop hints about your attraction or interest in dating them. Double meanings:  Occasionally use words with double meanings to add a flirty edge.

How can you not appear boring in online chatting?

To appear more interesting in online chats,  be enthusiastic  and show curiosity about the other person’s life. Vary your conversation topics   to avoid getting stuck on mundane subjects.

Share  fun facts  or  personal anecdotes  related to the conversation to give it more depth.

Being responsive and keeping the conversation dynamic with different media like photos, videos, or voice messages can also help maintain interest.

What are the red flags in dating?

Red flags in dating are warning signs that indicate potential issues in a relationship:

• Inconsistent communication:  Being hot and cold or ghosting. • Disrespectful behavior:  Disregarding your feelings, boundaries, or opinions. • Controlling tendencies:  Trying to isolate you from friends or dictate your choices. • Avoidance of commitment:  Unwilling to define the relationship or make future plans. • Dishonesty:  Lying about significant aspects of their life. • Anger issues:  Overreacting or displaying aggressive behavior. • Excessive jealousy: Unreasonable suspicion or possessiveness.

Always prioritize your safety and well-being, and don’t ignore these signs.

Final Thoughts

As we wrap up, remember that the art of asking questions in online dating is a delicate balance between curiosity and respect, humor and depth. It’s these inquiries that pave the way to understanding and chemistry.

So, as you continue your digital quest for love or companionship, let your questions be guided by genuine interest and a dash of creativity. Happy dating!

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Jahrine Okutsu

210 Questions to Ask When Online Dating

Online dating can be an easy way to meet new people, but striking a real connection requires asking the right questions. These questions help reveal someone’s true nature and compatibility with you.

This article will guide you through essential questions to ask in online dating, helping you make meaningful connections effectively.

Table of Contents

Ice Breakers

Personal interests, lifestyle and daily life, fun and quirky.

• “Getting to Know You” Questions

Online Dating Experiences

Perspectives on love and relationships, frequently asked questions, final thoughts.

• What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but never have?
• If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• What’s the most unusual place you’ve visited?
• Do you prefer books or movies? Can you share a favorite?
• What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
• What’s your go-to karaoke song?
• If you could have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be?
• What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
• Coffee, tea, or neither? What’s your preferred drink?
• If you could learn one new skill instantly, what would it be?
• What’s a silly fear you have?
• What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
• Do you believe in aliens?
• What’s one thing on your bucket list?
• If you were an animal, which one would you be?
• What’s your most cherished childhood memory?
• What’s the weirdest job you’ve ever had?
• Do you have any hidden talents?
• If you could live in any TV show, which one would it be?
• What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
• If you could only listen to one musician or band for the rest of your life, who would it be?
• What’s your favorite board game or video game?
• If you could wake up tomorrow with one new skill or ability, what would it be?
• What’s the first thing you do in the morning?
• If you could teleport to anywhere right now, where would you go?
• What’s a pet peeve you have?
• If you had to eat one cuisine for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• What’s a hobby you’ve always wanted to pick up but never did?
• What’s the best concert or live performance you’ve ever attended?
• If you were to write a book, what genre would it be?
• What hobbies do you enjoy in your free time?
• What’s your favorite music genre, and who are your top three artists?
• Are you into any sports? Do you prefer watching or participating?
• What kind of books do you like to read? Any favorites?
• What’s one thing you love to do that relaxes you?
• Do you enjoy cooking or baking? What’s your specialty?
• What’s your favorite movie genre? Can you name a few favorites?
• Do you have a favorite podcast or YouTube channel you’d recommend?
• What’s a skill or hobby you’ve picked up recently?
• Are you an outdoor or indoor person? What activities do you enjoy?
• What’s one place you’ve always wanted to visit?
• Do you have any pets? Would you like to?
• What’s your favorite form of art (music, visual arts, theater, etc.)?
• Do you enjoy traveling? What’s the best trip you’ve ever taken?
• What languages do you speak or would like to learn?
• What’s your idea of a perfect weekend?
• Do you play any musical instruments?
• Are you into any specific TV shows or series right now?
• What’s the most recent thing you’ve done for fun?
• Do you have a favorite quote or motto that guides your life?
• What are your favorite cuisines or dishes?
• Have you participated in any clubs or organizations?
• What’s your favorite season, and why?
• Do you enjoy any crafts or hands-on hobbies?
• What’s something you’re passionate about learning right now?
• Do you have a favorite board game or card game?
• What’s a recent movie you watched and loved?
• Do you follow any sports teams religiously?
• What’s a guilty pleasure of yours?
• What’s a place you’ve visited that left a lasting impression on you?
• Are you more of a planner or spontaneous?
• What does a typical day look like for you?
• How do you like to start your mornings?
• What’s the last thing you do before you go to bed at night?
• Do you prefer eating out or cooking at home?
• What are some of your non-negotiable daily habits?
• How do you unwind after a long day?
• What’s one thing you can’t go a day without?
• Are you into fitness or sports? What activities do you enjoy?
• How do you spend your weekends?
• What household chore do you dislike the most?
• Do you consider yourself an organized person?
• How important is living a healthy lifestyle to you?
• What’s your favorite way to travel: plane, train, car, or ship?
• Do you prefer city life, the suburbs, or the countryside?
• How often do you try something new?
• What’s your go-to method for making important decisions?
• How do you manage stress?
• Are you a coffee or tea person?
• What’s your favorite time of year, and why?
• Do you have any pets? Tell me about them.
• How do you prioritize tasks or goals?
• What’s a skill you’re proud of mastering in daily life?
• Do you enjoy the arts or cultural activities?
• How do you incorporate technology into your daily life?
• What role does social media play in your life?
• How important is sustainability and eco-consciousness to you?
• Do you enjoy alone time, and how do you spend it?
• Have you adopted any new habits during the last year?
• What’s your approach to personal finance and budgeting?
• If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• If you were a vegetable, which one would you be and why?
• What would the title of your autobiography be?
• If you had a time machine, would you go back in time or into the future?
• What’s the most useless talent you have?
• If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?
• What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?
• If there was a movie made about your life, who would you want to play you?
• Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?
• What’s the funniest word in the English language?
• What’s the most unusual place you’ve ever slept?
• If your life was a genre, what would it be?
• What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen?
• If you were a ghost, how would you haunt people?
• Would you rather be able to talk to animals or speak all foreign languages?
• What’s the most interesting item in your wallet/purse right now?
• What’s something you’re terrible at but enjoy doing anyway?
• What’s your favorite silly face or gesture?
• What’s the strangest gift you’ve ever received?
• If you could rename yourself, what name would you pick?
• What mythical creature do you wish actually existed?
• What’s the most amusing typo you’ve ever seen?
• If you were an ice cream flavor, which one would you be?
• What’s the most bizarre dream you remember having?
• Would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button on your life?
• If you could be any age for a week, what age would you choose?
• What’s your most unusual hobby or interest?
• What’s the first thing you would do if you were the last person on earth?

“ Getting to Know You ” Questions

• What’s something you’re really passionate about?
• What are the three words you would use to describe yourself?
• What’s something that always brings a smile to your face?
• Can you tell me about a moment in your life that changed you?
• What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received?
• What’s a life lesson you learned the hard way?
• What are you most grateful for in your life?
• Who has been the most influential person in your life?
• What’s your most treasured memory?
• Is there something you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
• What’s the greatest risk you’ve ever taken?
• What’s your biggest fear?
• What does your perfect day look like from start to finish?
• What’s your most significant achievement?
• What’s one thing you had to overcome to get where you are?
• What does success mean to you?
• What are some important lessons you’ve learned in life?
• What’s something you wish you did more of in life?
• What qualities do you admire in others?
• What’s something you’re looking forward to?
• What’s a question you wish people asked you more?
• How do you like to spend your free time?
• What’s something you’re proud of recently achieving?
• What’s a challenge you’ve faced that made you stronger?
• What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn or wish you were better at?
• What’s something that made you laugh recently?
• What’s something that makes you unique?
• How do you handle stress or pressure?
• What’s something you’d like to be remembered for?
• What’s an experience that has made you feel truly alive?
• What drew you to online dating?
• What’s been your best experience with online dating so far?
• Have you had any funny or odd experiences through online dating?
• What do you think is the biggest misconception about online dating?
• How do you decide who to message or respond to?
• What’s the most important thing you look for in someone’s profile?
• How do you feel about making the first move?
• What’s one thing you wish people were more honest about in their profiles?
• Have you discovered anything surprising about yourself through online dating?
• What’s your strategy for choosing photos for your profile?
• How do you keep conversations interesting?
• What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to online dating interactions?
• Have you formed any meaningful connections through online dating?
• What advice would you give to someone new to online dating?
• What’s something you’ve learned about communication through online dating?
• Do you have any safety tips or precautions you take while dating online?
• How do you handle ghosting or being ghosted?
• What’s been your biggest challenge with online dating?
• Do you have any funny stories about misinterpretations in online conversations?
• What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received about online dating?
• How do you feel about dating someone you met online in person for the first time?
• What’s your approach to setting up the first date?
• Have you ever been pleasantly surprised by someone you met online?
• What’s your take on the role of honesty in online dating?
• What’s one thing you’d like to change about the online dating experience?
• How important is the digital first impression for you?
• Have you had any experiences that completely changed your perception of online dating?
• How do you balance optimism and realism in online dating?
• What’s the most important lesson online dating has taught you?
• Do you think online dating has changed the way we view relationships, and if so, how?
• What does your ideal relationship look like?
• How important is communication in a relationship for you?
• What’s a lesson you’ve learned from a past relationship?
• What traits do you value most in a partner?
• How do you define love?
• Do you believe in soulmates, and why or why not?
• What’s your opinion on long-distance relationships?
• How do you think people know they’re with the right person?
• How important are shared hobbies and interests in a relationship to you?
• What’s something you consider a relationship deal-breaker?
• How do you feel about public displays of affection?
• What role does compromise play in a relationship for you?
• How do you handle disagreements in a relationship?
• What importance do you place on spending time apart in a relationship?
• What’s the most romantic thing someone could do for you?
• How important are family and friends’ opinions about your relationships to you?
• How do you feel about dating someone with different life aspirations?
• What are your thoughts on marriage and commitment?
• How do you express affection in a relationship?
• What’s a significant relationship goal for you?
• How do you approach trust and honesty in relationships?
• What’s your take on financial management within relationships?
• How do you feel about personal growth and development in a relationship?
• What’s your stance on past relationships influencing current ones?
• How do you maintain individuality while being committed to someone?
• What’s your view on relationships in the digital age?
• How do you deal with jealousy in relationships?
• Do you believe in second chances in relationships, and under what circumstances?
• What’s your idea of a perfect date?
• How do you feel about dating someone from a different cultural background?

How do I keep the conversation interesting over time?

To maintain an engaging and dynamic conversation, regularly introduce new topics, share personal anecdotes, and ask follow-up questions based on previous discussions. Additionally, incorporating humor and light-hearted questions can keep the energy positive.

What’s the next step after finding someone I’m genuinely interested in?

If the connection feels right, suggest moving the conversation off the dating platform to a video call or meeting in person if circumstances allow. However, always prioritize safety and comfort levels, ensuring both parties are on the same page.

Remember, the goal isn’t just to ask questions for the sake of filling the silence; it’s about discovering the person behind the profile. So, the next time you’re thumbing through profiles and you feel a spark of interest, ask these questions – you never know where the conversation might lead.

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Bea Mariel Saulo

Bea is an editor and writer with a passion for literature and self-improvement. Her ability to combine these two interests enables her to write informative and thought-provoking articles that positively impact society. She enjoys reading stories and listening to music in her spare time.

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How online dating has changed the way we fall in love

H ow do couples meet and fall in love in the 21st century? It is a question that sociologist Dr Marie Bergström has spent a long time pondering. “Online dating is changing the way we think about love,” she says. “One idea that has been really strong in the past – certainly in Hollywood movies – is that love is something you can bump into, unexpectedly, during a random encounter.” Another strong narrative is the idea that “love is blind, that a princess can fall in love with a peasant and love can cross social boundaries. But that is seriously challenged when you’re online dating, because it’s so obvious to everyone that you have search criteria. You’re not bumping into love – you’re searching for it.”

Falling in love today tracks a different trajectory. “There is a third narrative about love – this idea that there’s someone out there for you, someone made for you, a soulmate,” says Bergström. “And you just need to find that person.” That idea is very compatible with online dating. “It pushes you to be proactive – to go and search for this person. You shouldn’t just sit at home and wait for this person.”

As a result, the way we think about love – the way we depict it in films and books, the way we imagine that love works – is changing. “There is much more focus on the idea of a soulmate. And other ideas of love are fading away,” says Bergström, whose controversial French book on the subject, The New Laws of Love , has recently been published in English for the first time.

Instead of meeting a partner through friends, colleagues or acquaintances, dating is often now a private, compartmentalised activity that is deliberately carried out away from prying eyes in an entirely disconnected, separate social sphere, she says.

“Online dating makes it much more private. It’s a fundamental change and a key element that explains why people go on online dating platforms and what they do there – what kind of relationships come out of it.”

Take Lucie, 22, a student who is interviewed in the book. “There are people I could have matched with but when I saw we had so many mutual acquaintances, I said no. It immediately deters me, because I know that whatever happens between us might not stay between us. And even at the relationship level, I don’t know if it’s healthy to have so many friends in common.”

It’s stories like these about the separation of dating from other parts of life that Bergström increasingly uncovered in exploring themes for her book. A researcher at the French Institute for Demographic Studies in Paris, she spent 13 years between 2007 and 2020 researching European and North American online dating platforms and conducting interviews with their users and founders. Unusually, she also managed to gain access to the anonymised user data collected by the platforms themselves.

She argues that the nature of dating has been fundamentally transformed by online platforms. “In the western world, courtship has always been tied up and very closely associated with ordinary social activities, like leisure, work, school or parties. There has never been a specifically dedicated place for dating.”

In the past, using, for example, a personal ad to find a partner was a marginal practice that was stigmatised, precisely because it turned dating into a specialised, insular activity. But online dating is now so popular that studies suggest it is the third most common way to meet a partner in Germany and the US. “We went from this situation where it was considered to be weird, stigmatised and taboo to being a very normal way to meet people.”

Having popular spaces that are specifically created for privately meeting partners is “a really radical historical break” with courtship traditions. For the first time, it is easy to constantly meet partners who are outside your social circle. Plus, you can compartmentalise dating in “its own space and time”, separating it from the rest of your social and family life.

Dating is also now – in the early stages, at least – a “domestic activity”. Instead of meeting people in public spaces, users of online dating platforms meet partners and start chatting to them from the privacy of their homes. This was especially true during the pandemic, when the use of platforms increased. “Dating, flirting and interacting with partners didn’t stop because of the pandemic. On the contrary, it just took place online. You have direct and individual access to partners. So you can keep your sexual life outside your social life and ensure people in your environment don’t know about it.”

Alix, 21, another student in the book, says: “I’m not going to date a guy from my university because I don’t want to see him every day if it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to see him with another girl either. I just don’t want complications. That’s why I prefer it to be outside all that.” The first and most obvious consequence of this is that it has made access to casual sex much easier. Studies show that relationships formed on online dating platforms tend to become sexual much faster than other relationships. A French survey found that 56% of couples start having sex less than a month after they meet online, and a third first have sex when they have known each other less than a week. By comparison, 8% of couples who meet at work become sexual partners within a week – most wait several months.

“On online dating platforms, you see people meeting a lot of sexual partners,” says Bergström. It is easier to have a short-term relationship, not just because it’s easier to engage with partners – but because it’s easier to disengage, too. “These are people who you do not know from elsewhere, that you do not need to see again.” This can be sexually liberating for some users. “You have a lot of sexual experimentation going on.”

Bergström thinks this is particularly significant because of the double standards still applied to women who “sleep around”, pointing out that “women’s sexual behaviour is still judged differently and more severely than men’s”.

By using online dating platforms, women can engage in sexual behaviour that would be considered “deviant” and simultaneously maintain a “respectable” image in front of their friends, colleagues and relations. “They can separate their social image from their sexual behaviour.” This is equally true for anyone who enjoys socially stigmatised sexual practices. “They have easier access to partners and sex.”

Perhaps counterintuitively, even though people from a wide range of different backgrounds use online dating platforms, Bergström found users usually seek partners from their own social class and ethnicity. “In general, online dating platforms do not break down barriers or frontiers. They tend to reproduce them.”

In the future, she predicts these platforms will play an even bigger and more important role in the way couples meet, which will reinforce the view that you should separate your sex life from the rest of your life. “Now, we’re in a situation where a lot of people meet their casual partners online. I think that could very easily turn into the norm. And it’s considered not very appropriate to interact and approach partners at a friend’s place, at a party. There are platforms for that. You should do that elsewhere. I think we’re going to see a kind of confinement of sex.”

Overall, for Bergström, the privatisation of dating is part of a wider movement towards social insularity, which has been exacerbated by lockdown and the Covid crisis. “I believe this tendency, this evolution, is negative for social mixing and for being confronted and surprised by other people who are different to you, whose views are different to your own.” People are less exposed, socially, to people they haven’t specifically chosen to meet – and that has broader consequences for the way people in society interact and reach out to each other. “We need to think about what it means to be in a society that has moved inside and closed down,” she says.

As Penelope, 47, a divorced working mother who no longer uses online dating platforms, puts it: “It’s helpful when you see someone with their friends, how they are with them, or if their friends tease them about something you’ve noticed, too, so you know it’s not just you. When it’s only you and that person, how do you get a sense of what they’re like in the world?”

Some names have been changed

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Are Couples That Meet Online More or Less Happy?

Stigma endures, even as connections become more common..

Updated November 15, 2023 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

• The Science of Mating
• Find a therapist near me
• As online dating has grown more popular, more marriages today get their start online.
• A new study shows that people who meet their spouse offline are more satisfied.
• Online daters also report less stable and satisfying marriages in what we term the online dating effect.

This post was co-authored by Elizabeth Dorrance-Hall, Associate Professor of Communication, Michigan State University and author of Conscious Communication .

If you decide to get married (or if you already are), your choice of a spouse is one of the most important decisions you ever make. Increasingly people are turning to online dating for help with finding “the one.” Earlier this year, the Pew Research Center issued a report revealing that 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. (and 1 in 5 under the age of 30) who are in a serious relationship (i.e., married, cohabiting, or committed) met through online dating. However, until now, not much was known about online dating’s long-term effects on relationships.

In a new study in the journal Computers in Human Behavior , we conducted a survey comparing the marriages of 923 people who met their spouse either in online dating or offline. We stratified our sample to ensure equal representation of online and offline daters and matched our participants’ demographics to U.S. Census Bureau data to enhance representativeness.

The people who met online were introduced through a variety of websites and apps. Those who met offline were introduced through friends, work, and school, to name a few of the most popular venues. We asked participants questions about themselves: their demographics, their dating histories, and their personal characteristics. We also asked about two markers of marital quality: satisfaction and stability. We were interested in whether those who met online versus offline felt satisfied in their marriage , whether they felt that their spouse met their needs, and whether they had ever seriously thought about getting a divorce .

Selection Biases in Online Dating

We started by taking a closer look at the people who met online and are getting married. Do those who meet a spouse online have certain characteristics in common? Our data pointed to a selection bias in the types of people who find love online. Compared to those who met a spouse offline, online daters were younger, had more dating experience, were more recently married, and were more likely to be in a same-sex or an interracial marriage. Given the sheer popularity of online dating in the U.S. and the recency of the relationships in our sample, we suspect that we could see even more marriages that start from online dating in the coming years.

The Online Dating Effect

We were also interested in the quality of these relationships. Are there differences in the marriages of couples who meet through online dating and those who meet offline? We refer to differences in the long-term prospects of these relationships as the online dating effect . Ten years ago, the direction of this effect leaned slightly positive, with people who met through online dating reporting more satisfying and stable marriages. Today, it is reversed: Online daters in our study reported less satisfying and stable marriage than those who met their spouse the old-fashioned way. However, this does not mean that you should delete your apps: Even though online daters reported different outcomes than offline daters, their relationships were still of high quality, on average.

From the beginning, there has been a stigma surrounding online dating, with dating apps in particular gaining reputations for being nonserious and hookup-oriented. This stigma can put added stress on a relationship due to marginalization, or the perception that society disapproves of how the couple met. We found that online daters experience more societal marginalization than offline daters, which led to feeling less supported by friends and family. In another recent study , several people described how this affected their marriage in their own words. According to one person:

I did not tell my parents that that’s how we met. I feel like there’s such a stigma around it, that hookup culture and, “Oh why were you on there? Were you just trying to hook up with guys?” That’s not what I was doing, but I didn’t want to have to defend it.

A different person said:

It still doesn’t get the same respect or oohs and awws as people who will be like, “I met my husband when I was in college, and we’ve been together ever since.” It just seems like a lesser relationship.

Considering the many differences between online and offline dating, there could be other explanations for the online dating effect that require closer inspection. For instance, it could be something about the people who gravitate to these platforms, the algorithms used to match them, or even the size of the dating pool that leads to differences in long-term relationship outcomes. As one example, when options seem abundant, people may be less willing to remain in a relationship when times get tough, which could mean less stability down the road.

For now, our study suggests that meeting online can and does lead to satisfying and stable relationships, but there is evidence of a current trend of online daters reporting less satisfying and stable marriages than those who met in person. We recommend normalizing meeting online as one way to reduce the stigma around online dating, which may lead to more support for these relationships. According to another person:

I think a lot of people don’t know how to react to it yet, right? Because before it was kind of like meeting at a bar was like: "Oh no, you never marry someone you met at a bar," you know? So I think in many ways people are just kind of not really sure what that means. Like maybe they haven’t heard enough success stories, or failures yet, to have an opinion one way or the other.

The way people talk about their relationship can also help normalize this type of dating. Some partners who met online tell an alternative story about how they met or may avoid sharing with friends and family. “Meet cutes” are not just for people who meet in person – in fact, people who meet online often have two stories to tell: the online meeting and the eventual in-person meeting. Educating the public about online dating could go a long way toward encouraging greater acceptance of these relationships. The better people understand online dating, the more likely they will be to embrace it as a legitimate way of finding love.

Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock

Sharabi, L. L. (2023). The enduring effect of Internet dating: Meeting online and the road to marriage. Communication Research . Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/00936502221127498

Sharabi, L. L., & Dorrance-Hall, E. (2023). The online dating effect: Where a couple meets predicts the quality of their marriage. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2023.107973

Vogels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023, February 2). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/

Liesel Sharabi, Ph.D., is an associate professor in the Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University.

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The Concept and People’s Expectations from Online Dating

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Published: Oct 2, 2020

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Guest Essay

It’s Not You: Dating Apps Are Getting Worse

By Magdalene J. Taylor

Ms. Taylor is a writer covering sex and culture.

“The golden age of dating apps is over,” a friend told me at a bar on Super Bowl Sunday. As we waited for our drinks, she and another friend swiped through Bumble and Hinge, hunting for new faces and likes. Across the bar were two young men: phones out, apps open, clearly doing the exact same thing. Never did the duos meet.

What’s lamentable here isn’t only that dating apps have become the de facto medium through which single people meet. Since 2019, three in 10 U.S. adults have reported using them, with that figure rising to roughly six in 10 for Americans under 50 who have never been married. Not only are people not meeting partners in bars or any of the once normal in-person venues — they’re barely meeting them on the apps, either.

Maybe most of us just aren’t as hot as we used to be. Maybe it’s time our inflated egos got knocked down a notch. Maybe the market of people still willing to put themselves out there in an attempt to date has gotten smaller. Or maybe the apps have functionally, intentionally gotten worse, as have our romantic prospects. The more they fail to help us form relationships, the more we’re forced to keep swiping — and paying.

The internet, where so many of us spend so much of our time, has not been spared from the decline in quality that seems to plague so much of consumer life. This phenomenon was described by the writer Cory Doctorow in a November 2022 blog post and is sometimes called “platform decay”: Tech platforms like Amazon, Reddit and X have declined in quality as they’ve expanded. These sites initially hooked consumers by being almost too good to be true, attempting to become essential one-stop shops within their respective spaces while often charging nothing, thanks to low interest rates and free-flowing venture capital funding . Now that we’re all locked in and that capital has dried up, those initial hooks have been walked back — and there’s nowhere else to go.

This is precisely what is happening with dating apps now, too, with much more urgent consequences. What’s worsening isn’t just the technological experience of online dating but also our ability to form meaningful, lasting connections offline.

The collapse of dating apps’ usability can be blamed on the paid subscription model and the near-monopoly these apps have over the dating world. While dozens of sites exist, most 20-something daters use the big three: Tinder, Hinge and Bumble. (Older people often gravitate toward Match.com or eHarmony.) All three sites offer a “premium” version users must pay for — according to a study conducted by Morgan Stanley , around a quarter of people on dating apps use these services, averaging out at under $20 a month. The purpose, many believe, is to keep them as paid users for as long as possible. Even if we hate it, even if it’s a cycle of diminishing returns, there is no real alternative.

In the early heyday of Tinder, the only limits on whom you could potentially match with were location, gender and age preferences. You might not have gotten a like back from someone you perceived to be out of your league, but at least you had the chance to swipe right. Today, however, many apps have pooled the people you’d most like to match with into a separate category (such as Hinge’s “Standouts” section), often only accessible to those who pay for premium features. And even if you do decide to sign up for them, many people find the idea of someone paying to match with them to be off-putting anyway.

“If I don’t pay, I don’t date,” a friend in his 30s told me. He spends around $50 a month on premium dating app subscriptions and digital “roses” to grab the attention of potential matches. He’s gone on 65 dates over the last year, he said. None have stuck, so he keeps paying. “Back in the day, I never would have imagined paying for OKCupid,” he said.

Yet shares (Bumble’s stock price has fallen from about $75 to about $11 since its I.P.O.) and user growth have fallen , so the apps have more aggressively rolled out new premium models. In September 2023, Tinder released a $500 per month plan. But the economics of dating apps may not add up .

On Valentine’s Day this year, Match Group — which owns Tinder, Hinge, Match.com, OKCupid and many other dating apps — was sued in a proposed class action lawsuit asserting that the company gamifies its platforms “to transform users into gamblers locked in a search for psychological rewards that Match makes elusive on purpose.” This is in contrast to one of the group’s ad slogans that promotes Hinge as “designed to be deleted.”

People are reporting similar complaints across the apps — even when they aren’t taking the companies to court. Pew Research shows that over the last several years, the percentage of dating app users across demographics who feel dissatisfied with the apps has risen . Just under half of all users report feeling somewhat to very negative about online dating, with the highest rates coming from women and those who don’t pay for premium features. Notably, there is a gender divide: Women feel overwhelmed by messages, while men are underwhelmed by the lack thereof.

With seemingly increasing frequency, people are going to sites like TikTok , Reddit and X to complain about what they perceive to be a dwindling group of eligible people to meet on apps. Commonly, complaints are targeted toward these monthly premium fees, in contrast to the original free experience. Dating has always cost money, but there’s something uniquely galling about the way apps now function. Not only does it feel like the apps are the only way to meet someone, just getting in the door can also comes with a surcharge.

Perhaps dating apps once seemed too good to be true because they were. We never should have been exposed to what the apps originally provided: the sense that the dating pool is some unlimited, ever-increasing-in-quality well of people. Even if the apps are not systematically getting worse but rather you’ve just spent the last few years as a five thinking you should be paired with eights, the apps have nonetheless fundamentally skewed the dating world and our perception of it. We’ve distorted our understanding of how we’d organically pair up — and forgotten how to actually meet people in the process.

Our romantic lives are not products. They should not be subjected to monthly subscription fees, whether we’re the ones paying or we’re the ones people are paying for. Algorithmic torture may be happening everywhere, but the consequences of feeling like we are technologically restricted from finding the right partner are much heavier than, say, being duped into buying the wrong direct-to-consumer mattress. Dating apps treat people like commodities, and encourage us to treat others the same. We are not online shopping. We are looking for people we may potentially spend our lives with.

There is, however, some push toward a return to the real that could save us from this pattern. New in-person dating meet-up opportunities and the return of speed dating events suggests app fatigue is spreading. Maybe we’ll start meeting at bars again — rather than simply swiping through the apps while holding a drink.

Have you ditched dating apps for a new way to meet people, or are you still swiping left?

Opinion wants to hear your story.

Magdalene J. Taylor (@ magdajtaylor ) is a writer covering sex and culture. She writes the newsletter “ Many Such Cases .”

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

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