my enemy has become my friend and essay

What You Can Do When Your BFF Turns Into Your Worst Enemy

New research into friendship chemistry may shed light on "frenemies.".

Posted April 7, 2017 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Bethany*, a mother of two, told me that her best friend had suddenly abandoned her: “I don’t understand. One day we're closer than sisters, and the next, we're not speaking.”

Liane, a preschool teacher, said, “My best friend just stabbed me in the back. How could that happen?”

Keisha, an account executive, said, “Stuff has been going on at work, and everybody’s tense. But my closest friend at the office and I always said we’d get through it together. And now I find out she has thrown me under the bus.”

"Frenemies," the popular term for best friends who become enemies, is usually used in reference to teen relationships. But both in my psychotherapy practice and in interviews I did for my new book about women’s friendships,** I heard over and over again about this painful and sometimes surprising reversal in the lives of women of all ages, all over the world. And the anecdotes are backed up by scientific research: According to a study reported in Jan Yager’s book about friendship , 68 percent of people interviewed had been betrayed by a friend at some point. But with frenemies, the betrayal can be followed by making up and being BFFs once again, only to have the friendship disrupted and the whole cycle start over again.

How does this happen? Why? And what’s the best way to respond when it happens to you? (One further question: Does it really happen more with women than with men?)

Recent research into something called “friendship chemistry” offers some insight. “Interpersonal chemistry,” a relatively new concept that has been studied in romantic relationships , also exists in friendships, according to a group of psychologists at California State University, San Bernardino. Defined as “an instant emotional and psychological connection between two individuals,” this chemistry can quickly impact whom we connect with and even how that relationship will turn out in the long run.

Psychologist Kelly Campbell and her team conducted interviews and gave out questionnaires to a sample of 688 men and women between 18 and 66 years old. Campbell and her colleagues, Nicole Holderness and Matt Riggs, found five important factors in friendship chemistry:

1. Reciprocal candor, or mutual understanding and easy communication.

2. Mutual interest, or enjoying the same things and even finding the same things funny.

3. Personableness, or being warm and caring, down-to-earth, and genuine.

4. Similarity, as in values, morals, beliefs about life, life goals , and education .

5. Physical attraction .

The study's sample consisted mostly of women—81 men and 607 women—which makes it difficult to determine whether men and women struggle with the same issues. For the most part, I have heard these stories from women (although not totally, as you can read in my post about friends who hurt you) .

In the 1990s, Pat O’Connor highlighted some of these factors in her research into women’s friendships. Another study, published in 2014 by a group of researchers at Utrecht and Stockholm Universities, found that convenience plays an important role in the formation and preservation of friendships for both men and women. This study, led by Gerald Mollenhorst of Utrecht University, showed that social context, which is a way of talking about the ease with which we might run into a friend and the comfort of the setting in which we see them, is significant in both men’s and women’s friendships.

It would seem logical that when that context changes in certain ways, a friendship will shift. And in some of these shifts, friends can become enemies. When the context changes again , you might find yourself feeling close once again, although if it happens often enough, you might wonder if the friendship is worth the roller coaster ride.

For instance, if you and a colleague are in pretty much equal positions at work, you could develop a positive and collegial work friendship; but if the position above the two of you opens up, and one or both of you want to apply for the job, the context immediately changes: You are no longer equals; you are competitors. In many instances, healthy friendships can handle the shift, but when they don’t, a once-supportive friend may turn into a frenemy.

That’s exactly what happened to Keisha and her former office pal: “Instead of being supportive, she got manipulative. She cozied up to our new boss, and before I knew what had happened, she was promoted to a position that I had been in line for. And she acted like she didn’t understand why I might be upset. I can’t even stand to be around her anymore."

The same dynamics that create friendship chemistry in the first place can be part of the reason that close friends turn into enemies. Frenemies often develop when there is a sense of betrayal on one side or the other. For instance, a close friend goes after a man or woman you’re interested in, or a house you’re thinking of buying. You feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust that friend again. And perhaps the sense of betrayal and disillusionment is stronger when it contrasts with an original feeling that you could really like and trust that person. It’s painful to discover that someone you thought shared your values, and was open and honest with you, has turned out not to be what you thought. You begin to dislike the person with an intensity equal to the caring and liking that once existed between you.

So what can you do if your BFF has just turned into your worst enemy? The advice that professionals give to parents of children who have been hurt by this kind of turn-around applies to all of us.

1. Try to talk to your friend to find out what’s going on from their side. Maybe they genuinely misread a situation, or really had no idea that you would be hurt.

2. If your friend denies responsibility or tries to downplay or negate your feelings, try putting what you’re thinking into words anyway. Say it simply and clearly, without blaming, if at all possible. Listen to what they have to say, and acknowledge that you’ll think about it.

3. Take a step back. Daniel Goleman, who has written numerous books about Emotional Intelligence , tells us that very few arguments convince anyone of anything, and that after 20 minutes there is no chance of either side changing their opinion. So after you and your friend have each made your point, end the discussion with an agreement that you’ll both think more about what you’ve said. And then leave. Go on to other things.

4. Cool down. Go for a walk, listen to music, call another friend or someone else you trust.

5. Assess your own part in the situation. Did you do something that hurt your friend, either by accident or on purpose? Could that be what set off some of their behavior? If so, it’s almost always productive to take responsibility for your part. Own up to it, and maybe, if you’re lucky, your friend will do the same, taking responsibility for what he or she did as well.

Finally, no matter what the outcome, remember:

6. Try not to take it personally. Take responsibility for anything you have done, of course. But try to remember that anything this friend—or former friend—is doing is also motivated by his or her own needs, psyche, and behaviors. Thinking about that side of the coin might help you be more empathic , but it can also help you separate yourself from the situation. Sometimes, when a friend consistently hurts your feelings or stabs you in the back, or when a friendship can’t sustain a life change, your best psychological action is to know that the friendship has to end. Jeanne Safer, a New York psychotherapist, writes about realizing that she could never again trust a dear friend who disappeared from her life when Jeanne was hospitalized for a serious illness. Accepting that this woman could not be the friend she wanted was both freeing and self-affirming.

*Names and identifying information have all been changed to protect everyone’s privacy

Keep your eyes open for my new book on women’s friendships— I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women's Lives .

Follow me on Twitter @fdbarthlcsw.

Copyright @fdbarth2017.

Campbell, K., et al. Friendship chemistry: An examination of underlying factors. The Social Science Journal (2015), http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.soscij.2015.01.005

Jan Yager, When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You, (New York: Touchstone Books, 2010).

Gerald Mollenhorsta, Beate Volkera, Henk Flapa, 2014, “Changes in personal relationships: How social contexts affect the emergence and discontinuation of relationships” Social Networks Volume 37, May 2014, Pages 65–80

Pat O’Connor, 1992, Friendships Between Women: A Critical Review, The Guilford Press.

Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. Broken Bridge: What sparks the demise of a serious friendship and what can be salvaged from the emotional wreckage? Psychology Today March/April 2016

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. 2013.

F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W. , is a psychotherapist, teacher, and author in private practice in New York City.

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Can Enemies Become Friends? How to Mend Your Relationship

Last Updated: February 2, 2024 Approved

Reaching Out

Repairing the relationship, building your friendship.

This article was co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA . Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 83% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 378,499 times.

There are lots of reasons someone might feel like an enemy. It’s possible that you’ve hurt each other in the past, or you might be really competitive with each other. No matter the reason, having enemies is always an unpleasant situation. Fortunately, you might be able to turn your enemy into a friend. Start by reaching out to them to start the process, then work on mending your relationship. If you do that, you and your enemy could be building a friendship together soon!

• You might say, “Hey! How’s school going?” or “Hi! It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. I was wondering how you’ve been.”

Variation: If you and your enemy have a mutual friend, it’s okay to ask them to be a buffer as you try to initiate contact. Invite both your enemy and the mutual friend to do something together.

• For example, you might ask them to meet with you at a local coffee house that just opened.
• However, it might be best to avoid asking them to meet you at your lunch table or at your home.
• Say, “Want to grab a cup of coffee at Good Beans?” or “I’m going to feed the ducks at the park. Wanna come?”

• You could say, “I know things have been rocky between us, but I don’t like that. I’d much rather us be friends,” or “We’ve had some conflicts in the past, but I think we have a lot in common. Maybe we could try being friends.”

• For example, you might both enjoy playing soccer, you may both like being creative, or you might both like the same TV show.

Tip: Sometimes the thing you have in common can be what’s made you enemies. For instance, maybe you’re both into playing tennis and are really competitive with each other. Instead of being enemies, you could try to help each other be your best.

• For instance, you might host a game night at your home, or you could make plans to see a movie as a group.

• You might say, “I know that you made up that embarrassing nickname that everyone calls me. It really hurt my feelings that you did that.”

• You could say, “I know that I hurt your feelings, and I’m really sorry about that. I hope you can forgive me,” or “I know you’re mad that I dated your ex, and I totally understand that. I’m really sorry for hurting your feelings.”

• Telling them you forgive them can go a long way toward forming a friendship. Say, “I appreciate what you said. I forgive you for what happened.”

Tip: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. It just means that you aren’t going to carry around the weight of that pain anymore.

• For instance, you might recognize that they’re outspoken, they’re good at listening, and they’re kind to animals.

• For instance, let’s say both of you signed up for the same volunteer position and you find out that they talked to the person in charge to increase their chances of getting it. That might make you feel like they went behind your back. However, you could choose to believe that they had no intention to hurt you and just really care about the job.

• For instance, you might talk to them every day at work or school. Additionally, you might send each other memes back and forth.

• Try to repeat back what they said to you. You might say, “Wow, it sounds like work is really stressful right now.”
• Ask them follow-up questions so they know you’ve been listening. You might ask, “Did you ever figure out what happened?” or “What are you going to do now?”
• Try to bring a non-judgmental attitude to the conversation. Make sure the person knows that you're there to listen and be supportive.

• For instance, you might start by telling them about a goal you’re pursuing. Then, you might reveal a few of your interests that only your friends know about. After you’ve been friends awhile, you might feel comfortable talking about your secrets or personal problems.
• Similarly, don't pressure someone else to open up to you about their past. Build a strong relationship first; when the time is right, they'll start to open up.

Tip: You might feel nervous about opening up to this person because they’ve been your enemy in the past. That’s totally okay! Take things slow and don’t tell them anything you don’t feel comfortable with them knowing.

• For example, you might invite them to go watch your favorite sport together, or you could ask them to join you for a horror movie fest if you both like scary movies.
• Use your common interests to help you pick good activities.

• For example, let’s say you and your former enemy used to get really competitive with each other. You might set a boundary that you won’t trash talk each other.
• Similarly, you may be worried that you’re going to share too much information too fast. To prevent this, you both might agree to start your friendship with group hangouts instead of one-on-one activities.

Expert Q&A

• Don’t gossip about your enemy or talk behind their back. This will only make the situation worse. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Stand up for your enemy if they’re getting bullied. It’s never okay to bully anyone, even if they’ve been mean in the past. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

Tips from our Readers

• Sometimes, things really might not work out. If you've sincerely apologized for your past actions but your former enemy remains unwilling to reconcile, don't force the issue. Give them space and remain open to reconnecting down the road if they eventually change their mind.
• If you think your efforts to become friends are being misinterpreted, have an open and honest conversation to clear the air. Explain that you sincerely want to repair the relationship and start fresh, without pursuing any ulterior motives. Communication is key.
• If all your efforts fail and this person absolutely refuses to reconcile, respect their decision and move on. Forcing a friendship will only cause more tension. You tried your best — some broken relationships simply can't be repaired no matter what.
• Write a heartfelt letter thoroughly explaining why you want to be friends again. This gives you time to thoughtfully express yourself. But don't expect an immediate response — give them space to process it fully.
• To rebuild trust after a broken relationship, focus on actively listening when you interact. Don't just wait for your turn to talk — really make an effort to understand their perspective. This shows you care.
• Inviting your former enemy to hang out in a group setting can be a good first step. It's less pressure than one-on-one time. Have fun together with mutual friends as you continue strengthening your bond.

• Don't get too close in a short period of time. Give your friendship time to grow and develop naturally. Thanks Helpful 28 Not Helpful 3
• If you feel that this person is a threat to you or someone else, tell someone you trust immediately. Thanks Helpful 20 Not Helpful 7

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
• ↑ https://hbr.org/2012/05/make-your-enemies-your-allies
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
• ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm

About This Article

Having enemies isn’t very pleasant, so consider making your enemy your friend. Try opening the lines of communication by sending your enemy a text or direct message asking them how they’ve been doing. If you feel comfortable enough, you can even talk to them in person. If they seem open to talking to you, invite them to a neutral place, like a coffee shop, to chat. They may seem suspicious about why you’re reaching out to them, so let them know early in the conversation that you want to make up. For example, say something like “I know things have been rocky between us, but I don’t like that. I’d much rather us be friends.” To learn how to talk to your enemy about how their past actions made you feel, keep reading. Did this summary help you? Yes No

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WRITERS HELPING WRITERS®

Helping writers become bestselling authors

Friends as Enemies

April 19, 2016 by BECCA PUGLISI

One thing that Angela and I discovered time and again as we put the Rural and Urban Setting Thesaurus books together is just how influential the setting is on a story. Setting has its collective fingers in a lot of pies: building the mood, characterizing the story’s cast, steering the plot, evoking mood, providing conflict…and that’s just a few things it can do. In our books, we try to cover as much of this detail as possible so you can write richer stories. Each entry has not only the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures a character might experience, but other elements too.

Here’s one area that keeps drawing my attention:

(I pulled this tidbit from  One Stop For Writers , where all the settings for both books can also be found. Subscribers can access the entries in their entirety while registered users can see a sampling .)

As a writer, I’m constantly looking for sources of conflict for my stories. This is one of the reasons we included this field, because people are our greatest resource when it comes to conflict. So looking at the kinds of people typically found in a given setting can give you an idea for who might cause trouble for your hero.

But as I was brainstorming for this field, one thought kept coming back to me: But what about the friends ?

I’m not talking about the friends that your character thinks are friends but end up stabbing her in the back. I’m talking about real friends who cause real trouble, often unintentionally.

As we know, friends, family, and allies can cause conflict, too. And because of their close connection with the main character, trouble from a friend inherently equates to elevated emotions for the hero. Plus, friends are so accessible; you won’t typically have to orchestrate a meeting in order to make the sparks fly because the friends are already there.

So it makes sense to use those closest to the hero to add conflict. But what kind of trouble can a true friend cause? Here are a few possibilities:

Opposing Goals:   Throughout your story, your hero should have something he’s trying to achieve. But at the scene level, he should also have goals—smaller micro-goals that move him toward getting what he wants overall. Conflict comes in the form of people, forces, things, etc. that block the character from getting what he wants. Oftentimes this comes in the form of the antagonist, who is actively working against the character. But what if the character with the opposing goal is his friend? Fireworks, that’s what happens, between the hero and the person he thought was on his side.

Shared Goals: Another form of conflict comes when two characters want the same thing. Again, the typical scenario is the character and the antagonist or a rival going after the same objective—getting the boy/girl, winning the game/court case/contest, getting a spot on the team, etc. But it gets a lot more complicated when the person competing with the character is a trusted ally.

Clashing Traits:  Every person is different, and though our friends are often somewhat similar to us, they’re not carbon copies. The same is true with characters and their cronies. Each member of the cast has traits, both positive and negative, that don’t go well together. Imagine a responsible and rule-following hero combined with a reckless friend. A controlling hero and a rebellious friend. Hard-working vs. lazy. Sensitive vs. tactless. Friends with opposing traits are going to get on each others nerves. Remember this in the planning stages of your story and you’ll end up with built-in conflict that’s easy to access.

Moral Arguments: Though friends aren’t going to agree on everything, every person has certain moral lines they’re not willing to cross. And though they know that other people don’t necessarily share their values, they don’t like them to cross those lines, either. While friends are willing to compromise on certain things, it’s much harder for them to give ground when it comes to questions of right and wrong. Knowing what values your character holds dear can help you use those values against him  when conflict is necessary.

Envy :   No matter how gifted, successful, good-looking, or popular a person is, there’s always someone who’s MORE gifted, BETTER looking, etc. Envy is an ugly emotion, beginning with negative thoughts that often turn to negative behaviors. When envy manifests between friends, it becomes much more complex, with higher stakes.

Insecurities: Every character has insecurities that make them doubt themselves and skew their view of the world and others. These insecurities can lead to poor decisions that impact the people around them. For instance, someone who’s insecure about his popularity may crack jokes at a friend’s expense if it will get him a few laughs. A girl who is insecure about her looks might latch on to anyone who pays her attention—even if that person is her best friend’s ex. If you’re looking for conflict between friends, figure out what insecurities exist and see what you can do to manipulate them.

Weak Moments : Let’s face it: no one is perfect. No matter how strong a friendship is, every person has selfish moments where they just want to do what they want to do no matter how it might affect others. What might that look like? Canceling plans with a friend when a better opportunity comes along. Not standing up for someone. Kissing a friend’s sister. Poor decisions are easy to justify, and our characters might convince themselves that these choices are no big deal. But weak moments often lead to huge fallout, making for great conflict.

Growing apart : It’s an unfortunate truth of friendship, but sometimes people just grow apart. Interests change, new groups are joined, people move on from a relationship that is holding them back in other areas or is unhealthy in some way.  This is natural, but it doesn’t happen all at once. Before people have fully moved on, there’s often a long process full of awkward moments and uncomfortable emotions like confusion, self-doubt, anger, hurt, and bitterness. This leads to lots of potential conflict as friends try to figure out what’s happening and come to grips with the new dynamic.

The list of conflict between friends could probably go on and on, but these are a few of the ways that true friends can cause problems for your main character. Do you have any to add? Please share them in the comments!

Becca Puglisi is an international speaker, writing coach, and bestselling author of The Emotion Thesaurus and its sequels. Her books are available in five languages, are sourced by US universities, and are used by novelists, screenwriters, editors, and psychologists around the world. She is passionate about learning and sharing her knowledge with others through her Writers Helping Writers blog and via One Stop For Writers —a powerhouse online library created to help writers elevate their storytelling.

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Reader Interactions

April 20, 2016 at 8:53 am

Interesting post, Becca. Will see what it produces in my WIP. Thanks.

April 21, 2016 at 8:48 am

Good luck, Carol!

April 19, 2016 at 8:13 pm

Great entry!! It doesn’t have to be a big rift, just enough to form a crack.

April 21, 2016 at 8:49 am

Exactly! Conflict doesn’t have to be explosions and fireworks. It can be subtle and quiet and still accomplish its purpose :).

April 19, 2016 at 9:47 am

While reading this post, immediately thought of Hazel and Bigwig (Watership Down), Bobby and Mark (Pendragon), Harry and Everyone Else (Harry Potter).

April 19, 2016 at 11:33 am

Yes, I thought of Ron and Harry in the Envy section. And Hazel and Bigwig are a great example of conflict among friends—even Hazel and Fiver. Love that book.

[…] was reading this article on conflicts you can use in your books. And there was one paragraph that stood out to […]

[…] Friends as Enemies by Becca Puglisi on Writer’s Helping Writer’s […]

[…] https://writershelpingwriters.net/2016/04/friends-as-enemies/ […]

[…] your story. Joyce Scarbrough shows how to bring your characters to life, Becca Puglisi discusses friends as enemies, K.M. Weiland tells you everything you need to know about 3rd person, Marcy Kennedy explores using […]

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The Gospel of John: The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend.

The Pharisees heard the crowd muttering these things about him, and the chief priests and Pharisees sent officers to arrest him.” (John 7:32)

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” This saying is an ancient  proverb  which suggests that two opposing parties can or should work together against a common enemy. The earliest known expression of this concept is found in a  Sanskrit  treatise on  statecraft , the  Arthashastra , dating around the 4th century BC, while the first recorded use of the current English version came in 1884.

If you recall when we began studying John 3, there were four primary religious, political and/or social groups distinguishing themselves in ancient Israel. These four included the Essenes, the Zealots, the Sadducees and the Pharisees.

The Essenes dwelt in the ancient caves of Qumran. This group withdrew from society and chose to remain separated unto themselves. The New Bible Dictionary describes them as “ A Jewish religious group of the Second Temple Period that emerged and flourished in Palestine from the second century BC to the first century AD. The Essenes are often connected with the Jewish sectarian community known from the Dead Sea Scrolls.”

The Zealots were a political group who hated Rome and its occupation of Israel during the first century. Easton’s Bible Dictionary explains that the Zealots were “a sect of Jews which originated with Judas the Gaulonite (Acts 5:37). They refused to pay tribute to the Romans, on the ground that this was a violation of the principle that God was the only king of Israel. They rebelled against the Romans, but were soon scattered, and became a lawless band of mere brigands. They were afterwards called Sicarii, from their use of the sica, i.e., the Roman dagger.” One of Jesus’ disciples was known as Simon the Zealot (Luke 6:15; Acts 1:13).

The Sadducees were one of two religious groups in Israel during Jesus’ lifetime. We do not know exactly when this group originated but it occurred during the inter-testimental period. They are first mentioned in Scripture in Matthew 3:7 (Mark 1:7-9; Luke 3:7-9) where John the Baptist says to them, “O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?” (Matthew 3:7.) The next time they are spoken of they are represented as coming to our Lord tempting him. He calls them “hypocrites” and “a wicked and adulterous generation” (Matt. 16:1–4; 22:23). The only reference to them in the Gospels of Mark (12:18–27) and Luke (20:27–38) is their attempting to ridicule the doctrine of the resurrection, which they denied. They also denied the existence of angels. They are never specifically mentioned as a group in John’s Gospel though the apostle many times refers to them, as in today’s text, as the chief priests. Most of the chief priests were Sadducees. They centered themselves within the temple.

The second religious group were the Pharisees. The Tyndale Bible Dictionary describes the Pharisees as a “religious sect active in Palestine during the NT period. The Pharisees are consistently depicted in the Gospels as Jesus’ antagonists. It is commonly held that the Pharisees represented mainstream Judaism early in the first century and that they were characterized by a variety of morally objectionable features.” The Pharisees were centered within the Jewish Synagogues and among the common people. Jesus pronounced His most scathing rebuke of the Pharisees in Matthew 23.

The Sadducees and the Pharisees did not get along with each other. See Acts 22:30-3:10. Yet, they had a common enemy in Jesus Christ. It was because of this common hatred, that they became so-called friends.

Dr. John MacArthur explains, “The Pharisees and chief priests historically did not have harmonious relationships with each other. Most of the chief priests were Sadducees, who were political and religious opponents to the Pharisees. John repeatedly links these two groups in his Gospel (see also  7:45; 11:47, 57; 18:3 ) in order to emphasize that their cooperation stemmed from their mutual hatred of Jesus. Both were alarmed at the faith of those indicated in  7:31  and, in order to avoid any veneration of Jesus as Messiah, attempted unsuccessfully to arrest him (v.  30 ).”

The officers the two groups sent to arrest Jesus were the Temple guards who maintained order in the Temple and surrounding area. The reasoning for arresting Jesus was because the crowds were believing that Jesus was the Messiah. This the Sadducees and the Pharisees would not tolerate.

Jesus’ enemies today come from all walks of the political, social and religious strata. While they may not agree on many other issues, they do agree on their mutual hatred for Christ, the Gospel and Christians. They oppose Christian businesses and anyone who has a different opinion or point of view than they. This opposition is also increasingly expressed on talk shows, comedy monologues, political speeches, editorials and awards programs. The passion of their verbal vitriol seemingly knows no bounds and is increasing in its depths of vulgarity.

2 Timothy 3:12-15 says, “ Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. ”

This philosophy of joining with other groups to fight a common enemy is not exclusive to non-Christians. Christians and the church are not immune. Many times various religious groups join forces against such issues as abortion or pornography. This may be a noble attempt to change the culture but it is also dangerous because it has the possibility of confusing the message of the Gospel and people’s understanding of what it biblically means to be justified. While social problems remain an important issue, they will not truly be solved unless there is a conversion of people unto faith in the person and work of Jesus Christ. Only when the heart and soul of the sinner is changed will the expressions of man’s sinful heart and soul be likewise changed and eliminated.    

The battle for truth, the Bible and the Gospel will continue until Jesus comes. Be faithful, beloved!

Soli deo Gloria!

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4 replies to “the gospel of john: the enemy of my enemy is my friend.”.

OK, well, this is kind of funny: I’m going to be preaching on John 17:14 (the world will hate you) next Sunday, and I was thinking about the fact that the world not only hates believers, they hate one another (the world isn’t all one big happy family…some “global village” where they all hold hands and sing all day long). So, even though the world doesn’t always agree with one another, they ALL agree on one thing: they hate Jesus. So, I was thinking, “What’s that phrase??? ‘Enemy of my enemy’ or something like that?” And then I stumbled on this. I love stuff like that!

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There are no coincidences; only providential appointments from the Lord. Preach the Word, brother. Have a blessed day.

Good information. Lucky me I found your blog by accident (stumbleupon). I’ve book-marked it for later!

There are no accidents or coincidences but only the LORD’s purposeful sovereignty.

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My Friend the Enemy

By Dan Smith

1.   My Friend the Enemy is a suspense-filled story full of varied emotion and scenes. As soon as you delve into the world of this story, the action begins within a split second; Dan's logical structure (short paragraphs, etc.) encourages the suspense to be at its best. The intelligent layout that the entire book branches off from the initial chapter is elaborate and intellectual in numerous ways. The emotion can be tipped on its head instantaneously, from thrill to anguish; it is rich in the ability to warm hearts. Dan's talent has made me yearn to read for more of his books. Before I'd read this book, I wasn't so keen on reading things from historic times, especially World War times. However, now, I am fond of this genre of book, thanks to Dan's superb effort to create this sensitive, tear-drawing tale. I recommend this book to all because of the skill and technique the author has used to write this ‘Work of Art' novel. Reading this, I felt I was Peter, the main character, standing beside Kim, looking at Erik.

The main storyline of My Friend the Enemy is: it's 1941 and a German parade is bombing Peter's evacuee village. However, a German plane has crashed near his house, but most people saw someone coming down in a parachute...

The entire village is terrorised that a German is running loose in their village. On the other hand, Peter and his best friend Kim discover the German in a nearby forest, but they have to care for him without any of the sergeants and lieutenants finding out. Although, near the end of this extraordinary book they find themselves seen by their arch-nemesis, a black-hearted boy called Trevor Ridley, jealous that his father isn't fighting in the war because he's a farmer. In the end, he's told the sergeants and lieutenants and they find him, Erik. Peter says that he surrenders and his friend doesn't wish to be harmed. Reluctantly, they let him go and let him go back to Germany. Eventually, Erik goes back to Germany and all are elated.

2.   This book is about a boy named Peter who lives in north-east England in 1941. A plane crashes near his home and three airmen die but one parachutes out into the forest. Peter discovers him and doesn't know what to do with him and finds himself in a bit of a dilemma. On one hand he doesn't want to get into trouble for harbouring an enemy soldier, but on the other, he doesn't want to hand the German in and have his death on his conscience.  

This book is written in a very descriptive manner but in places can be a bit repetitive like when Kim describes the airman as a teenager and then Peter also uses a similar description of him.

Despite this, the characters were well described and I felt sorry for Peter in some of the predicaments he gets himself into. Kim is an evacuee from Newcastle. Kim is portrayed as a bit of a tomboy and she is always trying to beat Peter at everything. She and Peter grow to be great friends. The bully of this story is a very dislikeable character because of the things he does to Peter and Kim. 

The setting, in North-East England, helps the story a bit because people don't know a lot about the war and Kim comes along and knows a lot about the war and what is happening in Germany and Africa.

I liked My Friend the Enemy more than I thought I would because in the beginning it was bit boring but once I'd pushed past it was a good book. I would recommend it to children who enjoy history and adventure books. If you liked this book you could read a book called Friend or Foe by Michael Morpugo, Which is very similar and features a boy in comparable situations.

3.   This is a really exciting book which I would definitely recommend to other readers!

It is about two friends, Peter and Kim, who help save a young airman called Eric, after his German place crashes into the countryside village where Peter lives. After agreeing to hide Eric until the war is over, Peter and Kim must keep this a massive secret.

I really liked all the characters, especially Peter (as he is loving and caring with a big heart) and Eric (who becomes a really good friend), but my favourite character has to be Kim, as I just love her kind, but daring personality.

I think this book would help pupils studying World War 2, as it gives an insight into what life was really like during the war. As one reviewer on Amazon said: "It's such a roller coaster journey - you just don't know what's coming next.'

BEST OF THE NET 2023; Essay in THE BEST AMERICAN ESSAYS 2018; (cited in BAE 2015, 2016, 2020, 2022); PUSHCART poetry finalist

Issue: Spring 2018 » Poetry

Poetry by Robbie Gamble

The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend

Dubiously framed as third-world proverb, dusted off and paraded as realpolitik

but consider: my new-found friend (or second-generation enemy)— what if

he has an enemy, do I watch my back doubly, or trust

my new friend to keep a newer enemy at bay? And in such a hostile world

where enemies and pseudo-friends line up and interlock

like some geopolitical zipper, what happens when the killing starts?

Do old alliances detonate at the seams and teeth go flying everywhere?

Or, if two enemies somehow make up does everyone then flip-flop

on down the line? Whew. I need to drop what I’m doing, build some empathy

with the child that drags me from my post before the television, him and the children

of those bombers and snipers and plotters. Or failing that, tally the rows

of cordwood corpses, all those paired and empty eyesockets

echoing neither love nor hate just brimming with questions.

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Question and Answer forum for K12 Students

Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend

What does it mean to say that “The enemy of my enemy is my friend?”

The phrase the enemy of my enemy is my friend is a proverb that advances the concept that because two parties have a common enemy, they can work with each other to advance their common goals. Often described as an Arabic proverb, there is also an identical Chinese proverb.

In foreign policy, it’s a doctrine commonly used to interact with a significant enemy through an intermediary rather than through direct confrontation.

Examples throughout history are common, such as longtime enemies Britain and France uniting against Germany during World War I, the Western capitalist democracies aiding the Soviet Union following the Nazi invasion during World War II, or U.S. support for anti-Communist dictatorships during the Cold War.

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• Red Books Day

My Friend, My Enemy

Essays, reminiscences, portraits, ismat chughtai.

978-81-88965-98-4

Women Unlimited, New Delhi , 2015

Language: English

Price INR 450.00

Book club price inr 382.00, now inr 382.00.

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This selection from Ismat Chughtai’s prose writing, comprising essays, commentaries and pen-portraits of her contemporaries, gives the reader a good idea of the artistic, political and social mores of her times. It also serves as a background to her own work and furnishes insights into the art and lives of her contemporaries.

Chughtai’s involvement with the Progressive Writers’ Association and her friendship with writers like Sa’adat Hasan Manto, Patras Bokhari, Krishan Chander, Rajinder Singh Bedi, and others, have resulted in a treasure-trove of writing, marked by her characteristic irreverence and wit. Every chapter bristles with words, phrases, sentences, even paragraphs that clamour to be quoted. Witty, personal, descriptive, anecdotal and hectoring by turns, Chughtai’s style has few equals in contemporary Indian writing.

ISMAT CHUGHTAI is the author of several collections of short stories, three novellas, a novel, The Crooked Line , a collection of reminiscences and essays, My Friend, My Enemy , and a memoir, Kaghazi Hai Perahan (The Paper-thin Garment). She produced and co-directed six films, and produced a further six independently.

See more books by Ismat Chughtai

The Link Between the Resurrection and Elections

I went to a funeral recently. It was an old friend and former colleague . The big "C," diagnosed six years ago. He outlived the first diagnosis by five years but eventually it caught up. Splendid service, lovely music, fine sermon, many poignant moments. I met dozens of people I hadn’t seen for years. All as it should be.

Except for one thing. The service was billed as a "resurrection" celebration. The printed service paper said so. The preacher said so. Some of the hymns said so. But the resurrection itself—a new bodily life in God’s eventual new creation—was conspicuous by its all-but-absence. And that’s a problem. Not only because most people in our culture don’t know what "resurrection" means , but because they don’t know why it matters .

Resurrection matters because what you ultimately hope for affects the person you are right now. More particularly, it matters because people who really believe in resurrection have a different approach to all of life—including politics. Including issues of justice and mercy, at all levels. Including, dare I say, voting and elections. This affects all of us.

Read More: The Hidden History of Those Who Wrote the Christian Story

So what does "resurrection" mean? Most people today assume that it’s a fancy way of saying "life after death." That’s certainly what I would have picked up from that funeral service. But "resurrection" never meant "life after death," or "going to heaven." Plenty of people in Jesus’ day believed in "life after death," in some form, but were still shocked by talk of "resurrection." That’s because "resurrection" always meant people who had been physically dead coming back to a new life—a new bodily life. Whatever we might mean by "life after death" (the Bible actually says very little about that), "resurrection" is a further stage. It’s life after "life after death." Wherever Jesus was after his horrible death, he wasn’t raised again until the third day. "Resurrection" is the final stage in a two-stage post-mortem journey. With that, a new world is born, full of possibilities.

Jesus’ risen body was the first element in God’s long-promised "new creation." A little bit of God’s new world, coming forward from the ultimate future into our surprised and unready present time. And launching the project of new creation that continues to this day.

Most people in our world, including most churchgoers, have never heard this explained. This robs us, as individuals, of our ultimate hope, leaving us with "pie in the sky when you die," which was never the original Christian vision. In particular, it robs us of the motivation to work for God’s new creation in the present. And that means public life—justice, politics, voting—and all that goes with them.

Read More: The Bible’s Most Misunderstood Verse

Here's the point: Jesus’ resurrection doesn’t mean, "He’s gone to heaven, so we can go there too" (though you might be forgiven for thinking it meant that, granted the many sermons both at funerals and at Easter). It means, "In Jesus, God has launched his plan to remake creation as a whole, and if you are a follower of Jesus you get to be part of that right now." What God did for Jesus, close up and personal, is what he plans to do for the whole world. And the project is already under way.

How does this work? One way of putting it is to say that God intends to put the whole world right in the end. This will be a great act of total new creation, for which Jesus’ resurrection is the advance model. In the present time, though, God puts people right—women, men, children—by bringing them to faith in Jesus and shaping their lives by his spirit. And he does this so that they can, here and now, become "putting-right" people for the world. In the future, God will put the world right; in the present, God does put people right.

And the "put-right" people are called to be "putting-right" people, Sermon-on-the-Mount people, lovers of justice and peace, in and for God’s world. They are to be signs of the new creation which began with Jesus’ resurrection. They are to produce, here and now, further signs of that new world. The church as a whole, and every member, is called to become a small working model of new creation.

And that new creation includes (what we call) social reform. Check out the relevant biblical passages. The Psalms sketch the ideal society: in Psalm 72, the No.1 priority for God’s chosen king is to look after the weak, the poor and the helpless. The prophets add their dramatic pictures, as in Isaiah 11 where the wolf and the lamb will lie down together. (They tried that in a zoo in California, and it worked fine provided they put in a new lamb each day.) Already in Jesus’ day some Jewish teachers were interpreting Isaiah’s picture of the peaceable world in terms of warring nations finding reconciliation. Jesus announced that the time had come for this new way of peace. St Paul picked up that theme, seeing the church as, by definition, a multicultural, multi-ethnic society, without social class or gender hierarchy, as a sign and foretaste of the coming new creation of justice and peace.

The tragedy in the western churches is that, by misunderstanding "resurrection," both the "conservatives" and the "liberals" have robbed themselves of the whole message. The conservatives, eager to tell people how to go to heaven, regard any attempt to improve the present world as a distraction, not realizing that with Jesus’ resurrection the new creation has already been launched. The liberals, having long been taught that science has disproved Jesus’ resurrection, dismiss its importance and pursue their own vision of social improvement.

Hence the unholy stand-off: liberal Christians saying "justice and peace" but denying resurrection; conservative Christians saying "resurrection" but meaning "going to heaven." The problem is that trying to get the result (social justice) without the resource (Jesus’ resurrection) is building on sand. Just as a "heaven " that is not "a new creation" is vacuous (and unbiblical), a liberal agenda that is not rooted in the resurrection is rudderless. The 18th-century Enlightenment tried that experiment (reform without resurrection), and it clearly hasn’t worked. No: it is because God raised Jesus from the dead that ultimate new creation is promised, and present new creation becomes possible.

A true understanding of new creation, instead, starts with the Easter message about Jesus’ new bodily life, and the powerful gift of his spirit. It flows out into creative, healing, and restorative work in God’s world—including, of course, political and public life. That insight slices through our present culture wars, where bits of half-remembered "religion" get muddled up with bits of half-understood "politics." It’s time to reset the terms, both of debate and of action. Get resurrection right and political priorities, including wise voting, will rearrange themselves.

That is the hope. And, in the New Testament, "hope" doesn’t mean "optimism" or "always look on the bright side." It means Jesus.

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Madonna and Barbra Are Fans. Broadway, Meet Lempicka.

A new musical aims to restore the reputation, in life and art, of the ambitious yet undervalued painter Tamara de Lempicka.

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By Alexis Soloski

The playwright Carson Kreitzer specializes in difficult women, disparaged women, women who should be better known. But 14 years ago, when a friend suggested the painter Tamara de Lempicka as a potential subject, Kreitzer wasn’t initially enthusiastic. The name meant nothing to her.

Then in a used bookstore, a cover with Lempicka’s name caught her eye. Flipping through the monograph, image after glossy image, Kreitzer realized that she already knew Lempicka’s brash, gleaming work. She had seen it reproduced in Madonna videos and in Van Cleef & Arpels ads. There in that bookstore she felt compelled to write something as big, bold and richly colored as the paintings.

“Tamara made me a musical writer,” Kreitzer, who had never written a musical before, said in a recent phone interview. “She demanded it.”

After years of development, “Lempicka,” a biomusical by Kreitzer (book and lyrics) and Matt Gould (book and music), opens on April 14 at Broadway’s Longacre Theater. It is a work of recuperation, aiming to restore the reputation, in life and art, of a queer woman and an ambitious painter, who has often been undervalued, in the art market and beyond.

“She wanted everything,” Rachel Chavkin, the musical’s director, said of her heroine. “She wanted more from life and ultimately life lost interest in her.”

When it comes to reclaiming Lempicka, the musical is not alone. A concurrent selling exhibition at Sotheby’s, “The World of Tamara: A Celebration of Lempicka and Art Deco,” features several of Lempicka’s paintings, including “L’Éclat,” a portrait of a woman, her hair coiled like strips of film, and “Nu aux Buildings,” a sensuous nude backed by skyscrapers. This fall, San Francisco’s de Young museum will host the artist’s first major museum retrospective in the United States.

Furio Rinaldi, who, along with Gioia Mori, is curating the de Young retrospective, believes that now, a century after she began her career, Lempicka’s moment has finally arrived. “Someone like Lempicka, who presents a world of assertive women — incredibly empowered, towering — it’s an imagination that really speaks to today,” he said.

Lempicka was born in the 1890s to Polish parents. The precise year and location of that birth are the subject of debate, and according to Marisa de Lempicka, one of Lempicka’s great-granddaughters, the family only recently learned that Lempicka’s parents were Jews who had converted to Christianity. With her first husband, Tadeusz Lempicka, she fled Russia and arrived in Paris, nearly penniless, in 1918.

Painting had always intrigued her, and after a few years of study, she began to exhibit her work. Quickly she became an in-demand portraitist. Her subjects were often her friends: louche aristocrats, nightclub habitués, lovers of both sexes. She also painted her family — Tadeusz and their daughter, Kizette — though rarely in a flattering light. Her style, which she described as “clear painting,” looks backward to mannerism and forward to futurism and has a high-gloss sheen to it, like the chrome plating of a motorcar.

“She is just a technically masterful painter,” Julian Dawes, the head of Impressionist and Modern art at Sotheby’s, said. “It would be virtually impossible to fake because it is so specific, because she disguises her brushstroke.” A book by her daughter, Kizette de Lempicka-Foxhall, quotes Lempicka’s own assessment of her style. “It was neat,” she said. “It was finished.” Contemporary critics called it strange, perverse.

She had a predilection for painting women as modern, urban, desiring. In one of her most famous works, “Autoportrait,” she paints herself, steely-eyed, wearing a leather helmet and leather gloves, in the driver’s seat of a green Bugatti. (She knew the power of the shade, of the silhouette, even though her real car was a yellow Renault.) “She was one of the first painters that painted women in a powerful way, in an independent way,” Marisa de Lempicka said. “They are in charge of their lives besides being glamorous and beautiful.”

Lempicka believed in glamour, curating her own image by way of parties and precisely staged photographs. Her works sold well through the 1930s and even into the 1940s, a period that saw her leave Europe, with her second husband, Baron Raoul Kuffner, for America. At times her image and her nickname — the Baroness with the brush — superseded her art.

Tastes changed, as did Lempicka’s style, which veered toward Abstract Expressionism. Her work, old and new, was disfavored for decades, regarded, if it was regarded at all, as kitsch. Her rehabilitation began in 1972, when a Paris gallery organized a celebrated retrospective of her work. It continued after her death, in Mexico, in 1980 . (Lempicka, in typically extravagant fashion, asked to have her ashes scattered over the crater of a volcano.) She then acquired famous collectors — chiefly Madonna, who used Lempicka’s paintings in her videos for “Open Your Heart” and “Vogue,” but also Barbra Streisand and Jack Nicholson.

Her work inspired several plays, including “Tamara,” an interactive show about her disastrous attempt to paint the poet Gabriele D’Annunzio that ran in Los Angeles for nearly a decade, and in New York . At auction, her paintings began to draw higher and higher prices, culminating with “Portrait of Marjorie Ferry,” which sold for $21.2 million in 2020. This dovetails with a resurgence in Art Deco, the movement most closely associated with Lempicka, and with the current vogue for re-evaluating women who have been maligned or belittled by the art historical canon.

But Lempicka has yet to become a household name and her historical reputation remains mixed, the paintings too gleaming, too gorgeous to invite serious appraisal. “Lempicka has been considered and diminished to a phenomenon pertaining to the Art Deco period, a phenomenon of decoration, of fashion, rather than a great painter and a fantastic draftsperson,” Rinaldi said.

That problem of decoration, of fashion, applies particularly to the portraits, great works of compressed narrative, in part because they have lent themselves so readily to advertisement (makeup, jewelry, kitchenware) and to the runway (Armani, Max Mara, Ferragamo have all produced Lempicka-inspired collections). Marisa de Lempicka, who oversees her great-grandmother’s estate, is pursuing other licensing agreements.

Rinaldi said that while the art world venerates male artists — Warhol, Dalí, Picasso — who make their way into popular culture, it can judge women harshly. Her success at auction, he said, “reinforces the stereotype that she belongs to a taste that is very easy, that is commercial, that is decorative.” A goal of the de Young retrospective is to dispel this idea.

“We don’t want to present her as a poster girl for the Art Deco, but rather a serious painter in full command of her process,” he said.

Marisa de Lempicka, who has lived with the paintings all her life, sees that seriousness, too. “At first you can think that her paintings are cold,” she said. “But stand in front of a painting for a while and you will start seeing a lot of depth. Look at the eyes. There’s so much soul in the eyes.”

Strength is there, too. And a startling hunger, which is what attracted Kreitzer. “This love of a certain lush power in a woman’s body, really, really grabbed me,” she said.

Chavkin felt herself drawn to Lempicka’s unconventionality and her appetite, describing her as an “incredibly ‘devourous’ woman.” Lempicka, she said, “was breaking through gender lines in a time when that was welcomed and celebrated to a point and then slammed down.

“It’s undeniable to me that Tamara’s spirit and her work have shaped how we think of feminism and female power today.” If the retrospective makes a case for her art, the musical is a celebration of her life, which makes a virtue of Lempicka’s drive, passion and resilience.

For Eden Espinosa , who has been with the musical since its premiere in Williamstown in 2018, embodying all that isn’t easy. “I am just barely tapping into and scratching the surface,” she said. In her younger years, Espinosa said, she had long been conditioned to downplay her own hunger and ambition. But that isn’t Lempicka’s way. “To give myself the permission to inhabit the space that she takes up, it’s scary, but also exciting,” she said.

To Espinosa, and the musical’s other creators, “Lempicka” has an immediacy, the feeling of an artist finally meeting her moment. They can see her influence on contemporary feminism and on present-day performance, art and design.

“Tamara was definitely ahead of her time,” Kreitzer said. “I mean, my God, the world was not ready.” Considering the musical, the retrospective, the rising auction prices, perhaps the world is ready now. Or Lempicka, in her imagined Bugatti, might still be outracing us.

Alexis Soloski has written for The Times since 2006. As a culture reporter, she covers television, theater, movies, podcasts and new media. More about Alexis Soloski