relationship with your parents essay

• My Parents Essay

500 Words Essay On My Parents

We entered this world because of our parents. It is our parents who have given us life and we must learn to be pleased with it. I am grateful to my parents for everything they do for me. Through my parents essay, I wish to convey how valuable they are to me and how much I respect and admire them.

My Strength My Parents Essay

My parents are my strength who support me at every stage of life. I cannot imagine my life without them. My parents are like a guiding light who take me to the right path whenever I get lost.

My mother is a homemaker and she is the strongest woman I know. She helps me with my work and feeds me delicious foods . She was a teacher but left the job to take care of her children.

My mother makes many sacrifices for us that we are not even aware of. She always takes care of us and puts us before herself. She never wakes up late. Moreover, she is like a glue that binds us together as a family.

Parents are the strength and support system of their children. They carry with them so many responsibilities yet they never show it. We must be thankful to have parents in our lives as not everyone is lucky to have them.

Get the huge list of more than 500 Essay Topics and Ideas

While my mother is always working at home, my father is the one who works outside. He is a kind human who always helps out my mother whenever he can. He is a loving man who helps out the needy too.

My father is a social person who interacts with our neighbours too. Moreover, he is an expert at maintaining his relationship with our relatives. My father works as a businessman and does a lot of hard work.

Even though he is a busy man, he always finds time for us. We spend our off days going to picnics or dinners. I admire my father for doing so much for us without any complaints.

He is a popular man in society as he is always there to help others. Whoever asks for his help, my father always helps them out. Therefore, he is a well-known man and a loving father whom I look up to.

Conclusion of My Parents Essay

I love both my parents with all my heart. They are kind people who have taught their children to be the same. Moreover, even when they have arguments, they always make up without letting it affect us. I aspire to become like my parents and achieve success in life with their blessings.

FAQ of My Parents Essay

Question 1: Why parents are important in our life?

Answer 1: Parents are the most precious gifts anyone can get. However, as not everyone has them, we must consider ourselves lucky if we do. They are the strength and support system of children and help them out always. Moreover, the parents train the children to overcome challenges and make the best decision for us.

Question 2: What do parents mean to us?

Answer 2: Parents mean different things to different people. To most of us, they are our source of happiness and protection. They are the ones who are the closest to us and understand our needs without having to say them out loud. Similarly, they love us unconditionally for who we are without any ifs and buts.

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30 Reflections From Healing a Broken Relationship With My Parents

For the last few years, the most important priority in my life has been healing the broken relationship I had with my immigrant parents for more than a decade.

I wanted to get to know my mom and dad before it was too late.

I spent hundreds of hours documenting the raw & real journey I went through and wrote these 30 reflections about what I did and what I learned.

These were not easy to write. I want to normalize working through challenging family dynamics, especially within Asian-American and immigrant families where there are often significant language, culture, and generational gaps.

I hope these reflections will help some of you feel a little less lonely on your journey.

Sending you and your family all my love. ❤️

#1 - I Yelled at My Parents for Over a Decade & Here's Why I Owned Up To It

One of the most painful things I've ever admitted is how poorly I treated my parents for over ten years.

From middle school to a year after graduating from college, the only people I ever had a temper with were my Mom and Dad.

Even though I was often a ball of sunshine with my friends, I was cranky and short-tempered at home.

There were days I was downright ballistic.

I didn't know how to process my inner fears, insecurity, and pain, so I found every excuse to dump my anxiety on the two people who loved me the most.

They didn't deserve any of it, and there was nothing I felt more guilty about.

In August 2018, I truly became present with how much guilt I had been holding. I knew, deep down, that if I didn't take responsibility for how I treated them and commit to rebuilding our relationship, I would go to my grave with my inaction as my biggest regret.

So I wrote them a letter with tears streaming down my face, committing to treat them better, express my appreciation, and be in their lives.

I read it out loud over the phone and cried my eyes out, allowing myself to have tears for the first time in a decade.

With that 18-minute conversation, ten tons of weight that I wasn't aware I was carrying vanished.

It was as if the doors to the rest of my life opened up.

I was finally free.

#2 - The Three Sentences That Changed My Relationship With My Parents Forever

It terrified me. I didn't want to call my parents, but I knew I had to. I needed to free myself from the guilt I'd held onto for more than a decade.

I'd been a jerk to the two people who loved me the most in this world, and there was nothing I felt more guilty about.

I wanted to rebuild our relationship, so I could love my Mom and Dad freely and get to know them before it was too late.

My biggest regret would be knowingly not stepping in. It was time.

I called them standing on the corner of a street, reading this letter I had written to them, sobbing with every word:

• I love you both so much, and I never thanked you for raising me.
• I've been so selfish and haven't found a good way to express my love for both of you, and I want to start doing that.
• Let's talk more—I want to hear both of your stories, what it was like raising me, what it was like growing up.

For most of the call, my parents tried to reassure me, sharing how much they enjoyed raising me, having me by their side, and how they always knew about my intentions even if I didn't show them.

I responded by saying, "I haven't been doing a good job, and I am going to change."

They said, "We'll change alongside you. However you want to change, we'll change too. We will always love you."

#3 - Who I Became When I Didn't Cry for Ten Years

They bullied me in middle school. No one wanted to be close with me to avoid being bullied too. Even my best friend turned against me and became the biggest bully of them all.

As an only child of immigrant parents with no friends to lean on, I didn't have to tools to process my feelings.

So I hardened.

For over ten years, I bottled up my emotions and refused to allow myself to cry. I wanted to be the tough one, the person who could always keep it together.

My insecurities led me to place external achievements above all else. I thought that if I were successful, people would finally accept me.

Feelings only got in the way, right?

I thought that I was strong when all that I was doing was pushing others away.

As I buried myself in accomplishments, I neglected my relationships, especially with my Mom and Dad.

I later realized that my ability to share and receive love from others is directly related to my ability to share and receive my parents' love.

The way I judged them harshly instead of seeing the love behind their actions showed up everywhere.

It was how I treated myself and others.

To be fully free in life, I had to be free with my parents.

The more I could love and be loved by them, the more I could love myself and others.

To do that, I had to relearn how to share my tears as freely as my laughter.

#4 - The One Goal I Had Rebuilding My Relationship With My Parents

I called my parents one day on the corner of a street, with tears streaming down my face.

I told them I loved them and committed to getting to know them and treat them better.

It was the first time I was vulnerable with them.

For the next year and a half, I only had one goal: To be proud of the way I show up with my parents.

I was living at home at the time, so this was just about the hardest thing I had ever done.

More often than not, being with my parents meant that all the growth I'd been working on flies out the window.

I'd snap back into the angry 12-year-old who found every excuse to lash out.

I was dead set on breaking this cycle.

Every time I felt triggered, I excused myself to go to my room and meditate, journal, punch a pillow, do whatever it took to return to being loving with my parents.

It was not about being perfect.

There were times when I raised my voice. I would then come back to apologize.

Most of the best conversations with my parents came after the apology, where we'd talk about how to be better together.

By owning up, I always felt the burden of guilt lift off my chest, the weight that I had carried for over a decade that I vowed never to carry again.

I will go to my grave knowing that these are some of the proudest things I have ever done.

#5 - I Lived With My Parents & Hugged Them Every Day for a Year and a Half

I almost never hugged my parents growing up, only if I was leaving home for a long time or during a special occasion.

During a workshop I attended, we were challenged to give the people we lived with warm, gentle hugs for no reason.

I lived with my parents, so when I went home that night, I (very hesitantly) asked my mom & dad if I could hug them.

Yes, this was overwhelmingly intimidating, but I definitely didn't want to lose the challenge.

To my surprise, they said "OF COURSE!" and hugged back, never commenting on or questioning the act as I had anticipated.

As I greeted my parents the next day, I couldn't help but want to hug them again. There was a pull as if they had waited for years to finally receive my love.

After the first few hugs, it no longer felt awkward. In fact, it quickly turned into a radiant, energizing highlight of each day.

My dad would stand there with a huge grin and arms outstretched, waiting for me to deliver my bear hug.

Once, I was sitting at the kitchen table when my mom gave me a warm embrace from behind, putting her head on my shoulder. I don't think I'll ever forget how it felt.

Over a year and a half, our physical embraces brought us closer without a single spoken word.

If you're living at home, I challenge you to hug your parents today, for no reason at all.

Just do it. Do it before it's too late.

#6 - I Tried to Escape From My Family's Dysfunction; It Didn't Work

It used to be excruciating for me to spend time with my parents. Any form of communication was painful.

I dreaded and avoided phone calls, messages, family trips, anytime they asked me for help.

I sometimes went three weeks in college without talking to them, despite knowing deep down just how much my parents were thinking, missing, and worrying about me.

Living at home, I spent as much time as possible outside with others and attending events.

I felt so uncomfortable being under the same roof that I biked for 30-minutes each day to work from a coffee shop.

At 23, I came to the stark realization that none of this was going to work.

I'd been trying for years to escape the dysfunction between my parents and me instead of confronting it.

As much as I tried to deny it, I carried the weight of not having a good relationship with my mom and dad everywhere I went.

It was this deep, dark secret I hoped nobody would find out about. I desperately wanted to hide the kind of person I was at home—impatient, selfish, and a stick of dynamite waiting to go off.

I was utterly exhausted, trying to pretend that things were okay when they weren't.

My parents loved and served me with their whole hearts. It was the last thing they deserved. So I started putting my energy into improving our relationship.

I knew that it would be worth it, and it's become the proudest thing I have ever done.

#7 - My Mom Pretended to Want a Dog; She Was Actually Heartbroken

Growing up, I wasn't aware of the pains of my parents. I lived in my own world and couldn't see that most of my parents' actions were gifts of love or, more importantly, cries out for love.

I was given a wake-up call that rattled me to my bones and illuminated their humanity.

For weeks, my mom kept mentioning the idea of getting a dog, which Dad and I mostly brushed aside.

She also complained about having discomfort in her chest & heart. But she seemed perfectly healthy to our doctor.

One day, as I was about to leave the house, I finally asked my mom what kind of dog she wanted and that we could seriously consider getting one.

She suddenly broke down crying. "Do you even know why I want a dog?!" she sobbed.

It all became clear as we rushed to her side. "Maybe a dog would care about me more than you two."

She was right. Dad and I had been selfish, demanding, and short-tempered at home, taking her love for granted.

She had felt so lonely and overlooked with nobody to lean on. She was heartbroken, and it was showing up as physical pain.

My dad and I had a serious talk that day. We agreed to be better together and knew that we'd messed up big time .

We apologized and showered Mom with love.

I was determined never to make this mistake again.

I learned one of the most important lessons in my life that day: parents are human, too .

#8 - We Have the Power to Bring Community to Our Parents by Having BYOP Parties

It all started with one stark realization: I have close friends to talk to and count on when things get tough. My parents don't.

When my mom and dad immigrated to America, they left behind everything to live in a new country, culture, and language.

They were so busy surviving they didn't have the luxury of building deep friendships. As they get older, this becomes even harder.

My friend Patricia and I came up with a wild idea: What if we invited our friends to dinner and asked them to bring their parents so we can all meet?

Our parents feel lonely, just like us, so we decided we had to try and bring them the gift of community.

We reached out to our friends with Chinese-speaking parents & scheduled the first Bring-Your-Own-Parents (BYOP) Dinner hosted by my parents (pre-COVID).

The six parents who attended were delighted. They met other like-minded individuals who share similar life experiences, cultural values, and mother tongues.

My four friends and I witnessed touching moments when our parents reminisced on their childhood and shared their hopes and dreams for us.

We all stayed in touch. My parents have since raved countless times about how wonderful that first dinner was, and we can't wait to do it again when it's safe.

The first BYOP event helped me realize that our generation has the extraordinary ability to uplift another generation's quality of life .

With a little effort, we can change our parents' lives by merely introducing our families to each other.

#9 - I Did a Bad Job Hearing Out My Parents; That's Why They Repeated Themselves

I used to have the same painful dialogues with my parents for years. They'd typically share a danger they saw on the news or some concerns/advice for me, and our conversations would end in frustration.

Only in the last few years did I begin to understand why.

Whenever this happened, I'd be unconsciously filtering their words. I wasn't listening to what they were saying but instead listening to my points of view and judging them.

Here are some of those listening filters I'd frequently have, stuck in my head:

• I already know (what you'll say; how you'll respond)
• I have better (options; information; perspectives)
• I am right (about my beliefs; about my choices)

Our conversations were doomed from the start. I pushed them away and shut them down with my responses.

My parents usually only have a few main goals: share that they love me & that they care that I'm safe, healthy, and happy. But because of my filters, I couldn't hear the heartfelt meaning behind their words.

When they don't feel heard, they repeat themselves. It's what most people do, including me. No wonder!

Active listening has nothing to do with agreeing or obeying. It is creating a space for others to feel that their thoughts and feelings are acknowledged.

I've come to embrace that I can never guarantee that my parents (or anyone) will hear me, but I can always control how I help others feel heard.

In doing so, the former happens, as if by magic.

#10 - Dear Mom: I Will Never Yell at You Again for Giving Me Too Much Food

I didn't always have a good relationship with my mom. For over a decade, we mainly only interacted around food.

She used to fill my plate for me with way too much food, and I'd almost always make a fuss about it, complaining that I didn't want to eat so much.

Instead of trying to understand her actions, I pushed her away.

One day, I asked her about her favorite food growing up, and we ended up spending the next two hours talking about her childhood in China and the Cultural Revolution.

It forever changed the way I saw who she was. I finally started to understand why she always tried to indulge me—it is her dearest expression of love.

When my mom was a child, food was the most precious thing she had.

She was born at the height of the Great Chinese Famine so instead of milk, she could only eat flour and water. People were so hungry they ate leaves and tree bark.

Whenever she cooked, brought perfectly cut fruit into my room, and gave me the freshest food while eating leftovers herself, she was saying, "I love you."

In Chinese culture, those words are rarely said out loud.

I now know that she's been saying that to me every day through her actions.

I can't undo how I treated her in the past, but I can look forward and choose to embrace her love language fully.

I get to love her as she has loved me my whole life.

Thank you for giving me life and putting up with me all those years, Mom. I love you so much.

#11 - I Conditioned My Parents and Now I'm Doing Everything I Can to Undo It

During the time between middle school and a year after college, every time my parents talked to me, it was as if they were walking through a field of landmines . At any time, any words or actions could trigger an explosion.

I was cool as a cucumber with friends, bottling up my anxiety to release at home.

Quietly stressed out, I didn't have the tool to process my fears, insecurities, and desires.

I wasn't conscious of my impact on others, especially my parents. They bore the brunt of my inability to self-regulate and still loved me unconditionally in a way only parents can.

But there were consequences.

As I learned later in life, the words I say and the things I do train the people in my life on how to engage with me.

I now notice these conditioned thought patterns and behaviors come up regularly.

The biggest one? My parents are reluctant to ask me for help and will often not do so until it's too late. They're afraid that I will be bothered.

I get to take responsibility for this because I was the one who trained them on what my response would be.

I am committed to creating disconfirming experiences where I respond to their requests with ease, free of frustration, and set healthy boundaries as needed.

By talking about these realizations openly, my parents and I are now able to slowly undo those years of conditioning, unlocking far more love, affinity, and contribution to each other's lives than we ever thought possible .

#12 - I Promised Myself That I’d Show Up as the Same Person Everywhere I Go

I used to act like a completely different person around my family.

When I was with my friends or colleagues, I'd be outgoing, joyful, and an energetic ball of sunshine.

But around my mom and dad, I was the opposite—moody, volatile, and extremely awkward.

As I grew older, I realized that I was expending a tremendous amount of energy trying (often subconsciously) to be a different person around my parents .

It was no surprise that living at home and spending time with them was exhausting .

It was one of the biggest blockers in my life.

I was being inauthentic and pretending that I was okay with it when I wasn't.

I wanted to break free of the old, debilitating pattern of putting on a different face because that no longer served the people in my life or me.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life unable to be my cheerful, loving self around my parents.

It was a gift I wanted to give them.

My most authentic self is who I naturally am when I am not trying. It's a profoundly fulfilling state of being that I want to spend as much of my life in as possible.

So I promised myself that I would show up as the same person no matter where I go or who I was with.

If I could be myself around my parents, enjoy my time spent with them, and love them with open arms, I would truly be living my best life.

#13 - Letting Go of the Story That My Parents Are Not Good with Technology

Using technology was one of the biggest triggers that came up in my relationship with my parents.

Our tensions typically began when my dad is struggling with his computer, tablet, or phone. Something is not working, and he's at the point of desperation.

How I used to respond was not helpful: I'd come in annoyed about his complaining and scold him for not being able to do a seemingly easy task.

This recurring dialogue was one of our most persistent tensions I was determined to heal.

Here are the mistakes I made that I learned to take responsibility for:

• I created an environment of shame and fear of technology. My impatient & immature responses reinforced my dad's dread about asking for help when something goes wrong.
• I didn't acknowledge his efforts. I learned that my dad puts an extraordinary amount of effort into trying to figure something out before asking me for help. A little verbal affirmation goes a long way to help his self-confidence.
• I didn't assume the best in him. It's not that my dad doesn't want to learn; he is very eager despite not having grown up with technology. He's always doing his best. If I lead with compassion and grace, he doesn't feel judged and quickly absorbs what I teach him.

The more I work on my communication with him around this topic, the more he seems to thrive with technology.

I am now consistently surprised by what he's learned by himself, and I couldn't be more proud. I just had to believe in him like he has always believed in me.

#14 - The Three Key Challenges for Healing My Relationship With My Parents

The greatest freedom I've experienced in my life came from finding completion with my parents about our relationship.

No award or accomplishment has come close to the lasting fulfillment I feel from returning to love with my mom and dad.

Rebuilding my relationship with them remains the proudest journey I've embarked on. It was also one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

At the beginning of my journey, I received three challenges to heal my relationship with my parents:

• Accept and forgive them for what they have done and for what they have not done, for who they are, and for who they are not.
• Acknowledge that they have always wanted the best for me, that they did their best, and that they've completed their duty as parents.
• Take 100% responsibility for my life and my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Healing required putting what's happened in our family behind me. I had to ruthlessly eradicate the blame, shame, and guilt associated with my parents.

Most importantly, I had to embrace that our old wounds will inevitably come up and that these are life-long challenges.

It is up to me to continue to work through our past traumas, rewrite the beliefs that no longer serve us, and learn to love and be loved by Mom & Dad.

Also, time was not on my side. I needed to work through these challenges before it was too late. There was too much life to live on the other side to wait any longer.

#15 - Identifying My Emotional Wound and Coping Mechanism From Childhood

When I was in elementary school, kindness seemed to be all I knew. I wanted to help others out of the purity and innocence of my childhood heart.

I remember carrying a first aid kit with me wherever I went. It was my genuine pride and joy to be the first to help my classmates whenever someone got hurt.

But something changed when I showed up on the first day of middle school with braces and a face full of acne. My classmates started making fun of me, and the world didn't seem so kind anymore. The harder I tried to fit in, the worse the bullying became.

Most of us had experiences like this. Whether we felt criticized, neglected, dismissed, micromanaged, unappreciated, or unacknowledged, an emotional wound forms .

We instinctively, often unconsciously, decide how we need to be to protect ourselves from such pain in the future .

My emotional wound was feeling unaccepted by my peers. I coped by believing that I needed to be successful; otherwise, no one would like me.

I allowed this story to rule my life for the next decade, bringing it with me into adulthood even though it no longer served me.

I had to learn the hard way that the relationships in my life, especially the one with my parents, mattered more than any external achievement.

The older I get, the more I realize that I'm just returning to that unconditionally loving, younger me. When I started embracing that I no longer needed to prove myself to be loved, the love started effortlessly pouring in and boundlessly flowing out.

#16 - The One Internal Shift I Had to Make to Begin to Understand My Parents

For the longest time, I didn't understand my parents. I was so confused by their behavior. They didn't seem to be logical or rational about their decisions.

It was practically impossible to have a conversation with them that felt worthwhile because it seemed like we didn't have any mutual interests.

I realized that this cycle of having the same conversations and consistently butting heads over and over again wasn't going to change unless I did something about it.

Fast forward two years, and we're so close it's as if we could talk about anything. I can't wait to hear them share another story from their past. So what changed?

The simple (but not easy) internal shift I made was: becoming curious .

I started asking them questions about their childhood, what their favorite food was growing up, what their favorite memories and proudest moments are, as well as their fears and regrets.

I became genuinely interested in who they were as people and the stories they have.

As it turns out, there's no mistake why my parents turned out the way they did. They had life experiences, just like me, that shaped them into who they are today.

I started to understand all their seemingly illogical or irrational behavior. If I had to go through all the pains, challenges, and traumas they experienced, I would probably have very similar fears, insecurities, habitual tendencies, and strong points of view.

The surprising part? They didn't change. They were the same parents they'd always been. What mattered was my curiosity.

#17 - What I Learned From Hitting Rock Bottom During the Hardest Year of My Life

2018 was the most challenging year of my life. I had to shut down my health tech company. My relationship of two years also recently ended.

I moved back in with my parents and could barely get out of bed in the mornings. I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I had hit rock bottom, feeling completely empty inside.

I was desperate for answers because no matter how much I distracted myself, I only temporarily numbed the pain that always came back whenever I was alone with my thoughts.

Thankfully, I had deeply caring mentors who inspired me to look within for answers.

Cleaning up became the theme of the year. I started to sweep the temple of my heart and own up to my mistakes.

This journey led me to realize that my biggest regrets all had to do with how I treated others .

The surface level pains were rooted in my ego. Once I got over the pain of my startup not working out, my deeper pain was regretting how poorly I treated the people who worked for me .

My girlfriend leaving me definitely hurt. But after getting over all the voices rationalizing that it wasn't my fault, I confronted my deeper pain: She challenged me for being transactional with strangers, friends, and my parents, only nurturing relationships for personal gain, and I didn't listen. She was right.

No amount of external achievements can ever replace the fulfillment that comes from the relationships in my life. So I called her and owned up, shortly after calling my parents to do the same.

#18 - What It Means to Take Full Responsibility for My Communication

Taking responsibility is the opposite of blaming.

It begins with the willingness to declare that the cause & control of my life is within me , not in external factors.

It is not a "truth," but an empowering choice I can make for how I see the situations life throws at me.

When it comes to communication, taking full responsibility means that I am choosing to be 100% responsible for my communication success, letting go of blaming (including myself, others, conditions, or circumstances), and committing to learn & improve .

For communicating with my parents, it looks like this:

• If I speak to my parents and they don't hear or understand me, I can take responsibility by not blaming them but instead accepting that my communication was not effective and try a different way .
• If my parents are repeating themselves, especially in a frustrated way, I can choose to see that I am not responding in a way where they feel heard, acknowledged, or understood .
• If I don't understand what my parents are saying, I get to own that I am not actively listening to them with my full attention—without judgments, filters, or distractions .
• If I attempted to communicate that I'm sincere, but my parents felt otherwise, I can hold the belief that my communication (the impact) landed as insincere, regardless of my intention, and try another strategy .

Taking full responsibility is a transformational gift I get to give myself that leaves me with the power to improve my words, tone of voice, body language, and listening skills until I reach my desired outcomes in life.

#19 - Letting Go of My Childhood Stubbornness and Improving My Chinese

I was born in Hawaii and moved to California when I was four years old.

My mom and dad have always spoken Chinese to me. They wanted me to learn the language and to stay connected with my family's heritage. But everyone else in my life spoke English to me.

I desperately wanted to fit in, so I shunned my mother tongue and refused to go to Saturday Chinese school.

At home, I spoke with a mash-up of languages. Anytime I didn't know a word or phrase in Chinese, I'd use English. My Chinese vocabulary and pronunciation didn't improve until I started taking college classes.

As a result, my parents and I have always had a language barrier. It prevented me from understanding them and expressing myself fully.

Since embarking on this journey to rebuild my relationship with my parents, I've discovered just how important it is to work through our language barrier.

Improving my Chinese has become a way of connecting meaningfully with my parents. If I don't understand or know how to say a word or phrase, I can always ask them in conversation to practice.

I am working towards talking to them more fluently and deeply understanding their stories & perspectives.

A teacher said, "I always tell my students that when you speak to someone in their mother-tongue, you are saying 'I love you.' All the more so if there are language/cultural/generational barriers within a family."

I had to let go of my childhood stubbornness and choose to say "I love you" more to the two most important people in my life.

#20 - Family Is All My Dad Needs to Be Fulfilled, and It's a Lesson We All Need to Hear

My friends say my dad is a jolly man. They tell me that I got my big smile and joyful nature from him, and I couldn't agree more.

One night, at a dinner that my parents hosted, someone asked him, "Mr. Lam, how do you stay so happy?"

By the time he finished sharing his answer, there was not a single dry eye in the room.

He told us that he spent most of his childhood living with other families because his parents separated when he was four years old.

With each house that he stayed at, he admired what it was like to have a family—children and parents eating together, living happily.

He vowed to have a family of his own one day.

He's so happy because he has already fulfilled his life purpose, and he gets to live it every day. He now has a healthy, happy family of his own.

He provided for his mother until she passed away and supported my mom and me, which brings him all the fulfillment that he needs. His only goal now is to take care of himself so that he can maintain it all.

He added that he knows that many people nowadays have big goals: success, wealth, fame. He doesn't have those goals because they don't bring him fulfillment.

He says that when I have kids, he wants to help take care of the next generation.

My dad taught me a huge lesson that day.

He reminded me that the deepest fulfillment in life comes from serving the people around me. That is what matters in the end. He is living proof.

#21 - Note to Self: I Cannot Change My Parents; I Can Only Change Myself

When my parents didn't meet my needs and wants, I spent years getting frustrated and trying to change them to be more in line with my desires.

I held a story that their behaviors, personality traits, and strategies were "flawed."

When I tried to teach them concepts that I've learned and tell them how to live better lives, I'd wonder why they didn't listen to me.

I realized later that I had done the same to them: brush off the wisdom they wanted to share with me. We kept hoping that the other side would change first.

The lesson I had to learn is that no matter how hard I try or how strongly I believe my parents must change, I don't have the power to make them different .

I only have the power to change myself.

It doesn't mean that I cannot express my concerns or desires. It's essential to any relationship to share my feelings, needs, and what I'd enjoy seeing from them.

I must remember that by focusing on what I can do differently to help our relationship grow, I'm modeling the kind of relationship I'd like to have .

Giving before receiving:

• Better understanding and meeting their needs/wants.
• Improving my communication strategy, tone, etc.
• Processing my desires so I can meet them myself or seek them elsewhere.

Being the one to change first has always served my relationships and increased others' willingness and desire to reciprocate.

#22 - Try This: Practice Saying a Genuine Thank You to a Triggering Statement

My parents worry about me a lot. They've reminded me my whole life to stay warm, eat enough, and get enough rest. They care deeply that I am safe, healthy, and happy.

I've had to do a lot of inner work to see the expression of love that's behind practically everything they say to me. I've had to un-learn my habit of labeling and reacting to their reminders as "over caring" or "annoying."

Why? Because it no longer serves our relationship. It's only brought us further apart, not closer together.

In a communication course, I did a remarkable exercise that helped with this, that you can try with a friend.

We were instructed to take turns training our peers to reenact an experience of someone saying something triggering or emotionally distressing to us.

We then had to respond with a "thank you." The challenge was that the other members of the group were judging my "thank you."

I had to say thank you from a place of genuine gratitude. It had to be authentic. I couldn't fake or force it to try and hide the pain.

I realized how incredibly sensitive we are to inauthenticity. It took me a good ten tries before I could come to a place of true appreciation.

Why is this so important? An authentic thank you is so hard when we are triggered.

It requires going through all the mental gymnastics and processing our emotions to empathize with another person. It requires unconditional curiosity about why someone would be the way they are.

It's not an easy exercise, but it can be invaluable for transforming any relationship.

#23 - Advice My Mom Would Give to All Parents: Be Friends With Your Children

When I asked my mom, "What kind of advice would you give to all parents?" her answer blew me away.

It was the first time I had heard her articulate her parenting strategy to me, and I gained a far deeper understanding of why she raised me the way that she did.

We could all benefit from her wisdom.

My mom's biggest recommendation is this: Be friends with your children.

If you assert your dominance as the parent and demand that your kids listen to you, it will be tough to establish a good relationship with them .

Your children will be asked to be your source of happiness, to meet your expectations, and they will probably give up because they will never succeed .

When you're thinking from the perspective of being their friend, you won't take things too seriously. Friendship isn't dependent upon someone reaching a certain level in life or achieving a particular goal.

If you assert that you're right and your children are wrong, then there will be a lot of fighting, conflict, and ignoring each other at home, which can last for weeks, months, and years .

These relationship standoffs are the most painful and draining. There will be no happiness.

If you want your children to respect you, then you must respect their perspectives and choices first.

Meet them where they are at.

The best strategy for parenting is to get along with your children and to be their friend. This is the surest way everyone will live in harmony.

#24 - Not All Heroes Wear Capes: A Memory That Exemplifies My Mother's Love

My mom is my hero. I am only just beginning to understand the depth of her unwavering, unconditional love. The older I get, the more I appreciate all her acts of selflessness I witnessed in my youth.

One memory stands out that embodies the type of love that pours from my mother's heart.

I was still in elementary school when we visited our relatives in China. My uncle gifted me a microscope kit, complete with everything I needed to magnify specimens hundreds and thousands of times their size.

I was overjoyed. I spent all day finding fruits, vegetables, fabrics, practically anything I could find in the house to examine under the microscope. When my mom walked over, I started to show her.

At some point, I said, "I wish I could see something that's still alive and moving."

Without hesitation, she goes into another room and emerges with a lancet device used for a blood sugar test. She pricks her finger and squeezes a drop of blood on one of my glass slides.

I stared in awe as I saw individual red blood cells for the first time with my own eyes, swirling and dancing on their own.

This simple act made an enormous impression on me.

It stands for all the times she puts others before her in a heartbeat. She jumps on opportunities to improve my life fully aware of the pain she’ll have to endure.

Despite all the suffering she’s had to go through in her life, the light in her heart has never dimmed.

There are endless examples of her expansive, generous, radical love. This is one that I’ll remember forever.

#25 - Not All Heroes Wear Capes: The Act of Service That Embodies My Father's Love

My dad is my hero. I am only beginning to understand and admire the boundless love that pours from his heart.

I spent so many years looking only for his imperfections that I neglected to honor my dad's extraordinary qualities.

The older I get, the more I am completely astonished by how consistently he has put family above all else.

What embodies his love, care, and humility is his unwavering dedication to being the family driver.

Of the thousands of times he's driven me to school, fencing/circus training, tournaments, events, errands, long-distance trips, and more, I don't remember a single time when he's complained or shown reluctance.

For seven years, my dad worked night-shift to earn more money for the family, so the only rest he got was periodically sleeping throughout the daytime.

But the moment he hears that I'm leaving the house or coming back home, he would insist on getting up or skipping his nap to give me a ride with a persistent determination that only a father could provide.

He showed his love through making multiple trips a day, sometimes waiting patiently in the car for hours.

Anytime I would express my worries about him, he would always brush off his acts of service as if it were no big deal. But it IS a big deal and I want everyone to know.

The willingness, consistency, and attitude my dad brings to driving are otherworldly.

It comes straight from the heart.

There are countless examples of his quiet, selfless, undying love. This is one that inspires me endlessly.

#26 - The Shortcut That Helped Me Deepen My Relationship With My Parents

Calling my parents to talk used to be the last thing on my to-do list, if it even made it on there at all. Deep down, I knew how important it was, but I kept pushing it off.

Why? It was a complicated, painful mash-up of: 1. Guilt for how I treated my parents in the past 2. Dread for the tensions that would come up 3. Not knowing what to talk about that’d be new

Days, weeks, months, and years would go by, and our relationship stayed the same. It was too easy to hide in my own, comfortable, predictable world.

So what changed? Social accountability was the key to helping me overcome decades of inertia.

The most beneficial workshops I attended put us into groups where we held each other accountable for calling our parents to work through our tensions. We had to do the hard work as to not let our group members down.

Two of my friends, my partner, and I later took this to the next level by committing ourselves to call our parents weekly to ask them progressively deeper questions. We went public with our commitment.

The four of us then gathered weekly to discuss what came up for us during our interactions with our parents, share the lessons we're learning, and hold each other through challenges. We live-streamed these sessions for full public accountability and called it The Parent Project .

Being socially accountable to the changes I was looking to make has brought more consistent, powerful results than anything else.

This strategy applies to almost every part of life. The more people who know about a commitment, the more pressure I feel to show up. Social accountability allowed me to achieve what I never thought was possible.

#27 - The Transformative Power of Asking My Parents Deep, Meaningful Questions

The strongest relationships I've had in life have all stemmed from getting to know another person until we are intimately familiar with each other's worlds.

I feel most connected when we have an internal map of one other's major life events, fears, dreams, and desires.

The more we understand about another person's experiences, the easier it is to be kind. We can recognize where their choices and perspectives may come from.

Although these roots may not always be easy to embrace, they are the source of the empathy we need to overcome interpersonal conflicts .

The challenge with my relationship with my parents was that we never gained that deep knowledge of each other . We also had a language barrier, so almost all of our conversations were surface-level.

On my journey to get to know my parents, having deep conversations was what transformed our relationship.

When my friend Candace first told me about this idea for creating a bilingual card game to help immigrant families have more meaningful conversations, I nearly jumped out of my seat. I knew it was something I would never regret working on, even if it never made any money.

Just helping one family develop more empathy and connection would make it all worth it.

Asking my parents a question every week from the Parent Are Human card game has helped me forge a friendship with them that I never knew was possible.

Seeing our creation help other immigrant families has truly been a dream come true.

I will go to my grave knowing that this was one of the proudest things I have ever worked on.

#28 - My Parents Showed Their Love for Me Through Gifts & Now I Am Doing the Same

Growing up, it was not easy for me to receive gifts from my parents.

My mom or dad would buy something out of the ordinary to surprise me, and I would reject their offering, often demanding that they return it.

I was not happy because I didn't want them to spend money unnecessarily on me.

Eventually, I started waking up to the truth that every gift they presented to me was a direct expression of their love. They wanted me to know that they cared and were thinking about ways to add to my life.

Not only did I not acknowledge their efforts, I unfairly took the opportunity to release the bottled-up stress and frustration from my own life. I labeled their gifts as annoyances instead of offerings of warm connection.

As I'm getting older and closer than ever to my parents, the tables have turned, and I find myself doing the same thing they had done for me for my whole life.

I'm constantly thinking of new gifts to send, ways to increase their quality of living, and how to fill their home with thoughtful expressions of my love.

Gift-giving became so important, my partner Tong-Tong and I teamed up to curate a catalog of the highest-rated and most frequently used products we've gifted our parents so others can also share the love with their families. We called it Parents Are Gifts .

Our parents have given us the greatest gift of life and made countless sacrifices for our well-being and future.

Even though our younger selves may not have been able to see, appreciate, or understand those sacrifices, it is never too late to start giving back.

#29 - It Took Me Two Years of Inner Work to Let Go of My Shame and Forgive Myself

I rebuilt my relationship with my parents because I felt so ashamed of having taken my stress & frustrations out on them for years. I was fed up with running away from my past, and I wanted my parents to have a son who loved them freely and wholeheartedly.

Despite becoming closer than ever to my parents over the next two years, I still quietly held onto that shame .

I wasn't ready to let it go because I secretly believed that I wouldn't be a good person if I didn't have it.

My dear friend Kim helped me forgive myself on one of our Parent Project calls. Here is what she said:

"Close your eyes and see little boy Joseph sitting there, realizing what he's done to his parents, not wanting to be like that anymore. Can you go over and see him? He's feeling sad and ashamed.

Sit in front of him and look at his eyes for a moment. Look at him with full acceptance. What do you want to say to him so that he can forgive himself? "

I sat there silently for several minutes, tears welling up underneath my eyelids.

With all the tenderness and compassion in my heart, I thanked my younger self for doing my very best despite everything I was going through.

"Can you forgive him?" Kim asked. "Yes," I replied with the courage and confidence I didn't have until then.

I knew that I couldn't be free, self-expressed, and satisfied with life if I couldn't put my past behind me.

I removed the poisoned arrow from my heart. My parents have already forgiven me for not having the lessons I haven't learned yet. I no longer need to hold myself hostage. I can just love, with all my might.

#30 - Building a Future Where My Family and Friends Live in an Intergenerational Village

"What is something I do that makes you feel loved?" I asked my parents on a weekly call. My mom immediately replies, "Your hugs every day!" My dad says, "Anytime I get to spend time with you."

That day, my parents shared vulnerably that the older they get, the more lonely and insecure they feel when I'm physically far away. My dad had just slipped in our hallway. He was fine, but it was scary. If I was nearby, I could help if something ever happened.

Our conversation had me thinking—what do I ultimately want in life?

After reaching financial success and independence, what am I going to do with that money?

My parents gave me more than anyone could ever give me in this lifetime. I want to help them have a retirement beyond their wildest dreams, not out of obligation, but as a gift freely given. I want them to feel more healthy, happy, and loved than ever before.

On top of wanting to be physically near my parents and spend as much quality time with them as possible, I also want them to have a community of close friends . I know firsthand how necessary that is for a fulfilling life.

The ultimate dream is to build an intergenerational village where my family, friends, and friends' families can all live in separate homes clustered together.

I will have to take care of my parents as they get older. In a village, we won't need to be solo caretakers. With a whole community and multiple generations in one place, we can lean on each other to live our best lives. We can share our lessons and the fruits of our labor to help other people build more villages worldwide.

There are many things I want to create in this lifetime. This is one project I will never regret working on.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my writing. Embarking on this journey and writing these reflections have some of the proudest things I have ever done.

I hope you found something to be resonant or helpful for you on your journey. It would mean the world if you shared this piece so others can discover it.

Please don't hesitate to reach out at joseph @ parentsarehuman.com or send me a message either on Twitter , Instagram , or through the chat at the bottom right-hand corner of parentsarehuman.com . I would genuinely love to hear your story.

Warmest wishes to you and your loved ones. ❤️

With love, Joseph Lam️

Joseph J. Lam

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Saying a Long Goodbye to My Parents

The question about love that changed my life ❤️‍🔥

The Tech Tools I Use to Record and Preserve My Parents’ Stories

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My relationship with my parents has always been difficult and I wonder if I should cut all ties?

My relationship with my parents is difficult and painful and I am wondering whether I should continue to see them. I was the youngest child. My father is an alcoholic and was drinking when I was growing up (he has now stopped) and my mother was emotionally distant – working hard as the only supporter of the family, but spending much of her free time out of the house, away from my father. She  always provided me with clothes, books and amazing travel opportunities, but never gave me any emotional support.

As a teenager, I developed eating disorders. My father persecuted me, blaming me for the family’s problems. We had volatile fights. My mother didn’t know how to deal with this and buried her head in the sand. I attempted suicide twice. I was given antidepressants, but therapy never followed.

At 18, I left for university (my mother fought my father over this, as he didn’t want me to leave home). I struggled with my eating disorders for years, eventually stopping with the help of therapy.

I am now in my 40s, married to a wonderful, supportive husband, and love being mother to two happy children and enjoy fulfilling work. However, I struggle hugely when visiting my family. I only see them once every year or two. Everyone tries to act as if we are a big, happy family. I struggle to pretend everything is OK, as I am angry and hurt. My parents make hurtful, insensitive remarks that take me back to being a teenager. Part of me doesn’t want to see my family at all. I debate whether it is worth discussing these issues with them, but I am not sure they have the emotional intelligence to engage and fear I will be left vulnerable and disappointed again.

I edited out some key details to protect your identity. Sometimes, in complicated families, the tendency is to look back to try to make sense of things, and this has great merit. But it can take much energy, and provide little resolution. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to look at the now, and work forwards.

Chris Mills, an experienced psychotherapist ( ukcp.org.uk ), thinks it is amazing that, despite everything that has happened, you are not repeating patterns in your family and have created a good life for yourself. He says: “Sometimes, someone [in the family] takes a deep breath, does the work and stops the rot.”

Mills thinks there are some “green shoots” in the bleakness of your early years. Namely, that your mother did things that “could be described as emotional support in the way that she could. She showed that you had value and you were worth doing things for.”

I think the fact that she stood up to your father – when she usually didn’t – in facilitating you to leave home, was very telling.

You have been through some incredibly tough emotional landscapes and now you find yourself struggling with the way your family is. “What you seem to be finding unbearable,” says Mills, “is that you have to put a brave face on it [when you get together with your family], whereas you’ve dedicated your life to being authentic, and suddenly you have to go back.” Mills and I feel it is “crucially important” that you know you don’t have to continue having contact with your family.

But, some things to think about. Often when people write to me about wanting to sever contact, it is the actual act of cutting ties they focus on, but that is not the hardest bit; neither is it always the closure they hope for. You need to think about whether it is just your parents you want to cut ties with or your siblings, too? What about wider family? What about your children and their relationship with your family? It is up to you who you no longer see, and you can make it clear if you want your children to continue to have a relationship with them. But that may mean you also still have some contact (you don’t say how old your children are).

“If you decide you want to stay in contact,” suggests Mills, “you could do something incredibly brave – and you are incredibly brave. You could write them a letter – not an email – saying: ‘I want us to talk about the past, not to beat anyone up about it, but so we can have a shared reality, because I need that.’”

Of course, there may be no response. “As you see it,” says Mills, “there’s a family story your family cling to. And, largely, people don’t like it when others come in telling them that story is wrong. So they may rather scapegoat you than listen to your other story.”

I think you need to be realistic about how much they will change.

I asked Mills how you could accept the anger and he explained it was OK to be angry, but said: “Sometimes anger only recedes if you can express it.” But expressing it to your family – if they won’t listen – won’t bring the resolution you need.

But, says Mills: “All of us are entitled to protect ourselves from harm, wherever that harm comes from.” You have the right not to have to see your parents if you don’t want to. If you do still see them, “you have to manage your expectations,” says Mills. “If you do cut ties, remember you are doing it for the best reasons; it’s not an aggressive thing, but protective. There are conditions attached whatever you do. There will probably be no golden sunset where your parents are concerned. But you have created the golden sunset – in your own life.”

In the UK the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

Your problems solved

Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email [email protected] . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB

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Narrative Essay: I Love My Parents

Parents are the closest people that we have in our lives, whether we realize it or not. They love us not because we are smart, beautiful, successful or we have a good sense of humour, but just because we are their children. I, too, love mom and dad simply because they are my parents, but I think I would have felt the same even if they weren’t. I love who they are as people, each with their own individual traits – and, together, forming an amazing super-team that’s made me who I am today and taught me what life is all about.

My mother is a cheerful, chatty perfectionist who seems to always find something to get excited about and who can talk for hours about animals and flowers. She is never afraid to speak her mind and she can be very convincing when she wants to. She sometimes get upset a bit too easily, but she is just as quick to forgive and forget. I love mom for all that she is – even when she’s angry – for all that she has done for me, and for all that she’s taught me. My mom has been through a lot throughout the years, but she always kept fighting.She taught me to never lose hope even in the direst of moments, and she showed me how to look for happiness in the small things. She’s been trying to teach me to be more organized as well, but hasn’t succeeded yet. I love her for that too.

My father is quiet, patient and calm, and he has an adorable hit-and-miss sense of humour. I may not always find his jokes that funny, but I love him for trying. Dad almost never gets angry and he is always polite, friendly and nice to everyone. He is not the one to verbalize emotions, but he always shows his feelings through sweet gestures and little surprizes. He is the pacifist in our family and never goes against mom’s wishes, but he runs a large company witha firm hand. I love my father for all these characteristics and for all he’s sacrificed to build a better life for us. He’s worked day and night to ensure we afford good education and have a rich, wonderful childhood, and he has passed up many great opportunities for the benefit of our family. I love dad because he’s taught me that you cannot have it all in life, but with hard work and dedication, you can have what matters most to you.

Mom and dad may be very different people, but they complement each other perfectly. Together, they formed a super-team that was always there – and, thankfully, still is – to provide comfort, nurturing, and support and help me grow as a person. Their complementary personalities bring balance in our family, and each of them steps in whenever they are needed the most. Together, they taught me to believe in myself and have turned me into a fighter. Their care and dedication towards me and each other has served as an example of what healthy relationships should be like, and I love and admire them for that.

I love my parents because they are my parents, my good friends, my heroes, my role models, my safe haven, my pillars of strength.I am who I am today thanks to them, and I know that their support and affection will play an essential role in what I will become in the future.All I can hope is that, when I have children of my own, I will be half as good a parent as they were to me.

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How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

• by Celes     |    
• Filed in Family , Relationships

This is the last part  of a 4-part series on how to improve your relationship with your parents.

• Part 1 : How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child’s Wish
• Part 2 : How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap
• Part 3 : How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelations and Happiness
• Part 4 : How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

As you look at your relationship with your parents today, how would you describe it?

Is it a state you are happy with? Would you rate it 10/10? Is it one where you’ll say “this is the best, most ideal state I can ever be with my parents”?

Many of you shared in the comments about your strained relationship with your parents. Some of you have tried multiple times to mend things, but with little success. Some of you are frustrated with where the relationship is heading. Some of you face difficulty communicating with your parents, even though theoretically it shouldn’t be the case since you speak the same language.

I’d like to thank all of you for sharing your stories so openly. Whatever the difficulty you’re facing with your parents today, I’d like to let you know that you’re not alone in the problem. I struggled in my relationship with my parents for one and a half decade. During this period, I faced multiple challenges before I was finally able to achieve resolution in this area.

Challenges in Improving Parent-Child Relationships

Relationships are always the hardest goals to work on, because they involve another party. This adds a whole new dynamic, compared to goals like earn $X income or lose X weight, which are more static and linear.

Especially parent-child relationships – they are even more challenging due to the following reasons:

• Years of baggage . Unlike other relationships where you start from a clean slate, with parent-child relationships, you have baggage built up from young. This weighs down the relationship. Rather than work towards the vision, sometimes you may need to work through the baggage first, which makes the goal bigger than it already is. Also this baggage may house subconscious triggers which make you behave out of character around your parents, making it even harder to work on the goal objectively.
• Non-reciprocation . While deep down you may want to improve your relationship with your parents, your parents may not have that intention. They may well be okay with how the relationship is today. This makes it near impossible to improve the situation, since effort is required both ways to make things work.
• Differences in vision . What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents? For them to be stronger mentor figures? To be more open in communication? To be more emotionally expressive? To be good friends with each other? Whatever it is, they may not share the same ideal. If that’s the case, if expectations are already different at the on-start, conflict is inevitable.
• Generation gap . Being brought up in different generations create deep-seated implications, from differences in communication style, mindset, world views, philosophy on life, way of expressing love, and so on. With my parents, our generation gap created a very deep chasm that made it near impossible us to communicate, until after I came to my revelations .
• Different personality types . Your parents may have personalities which make it impossible for you to relate to. With my mom, she can be very stubborn, opinionated, and difficult. With my dad, he’s very quiet and inexpressive. Our personalities don’t gel at all, and this made it very difficult for me when I was trying to work through the relationship at the beginning.

How to Improve Your Relationship with Parents

See it as a journey.

The first thing I want to point out is that improving your relationship with your parents isn’t a “follow X-step and Y-step, then you can see results right away” goal. In fact, you may not even see any changes for a while for that matter. To improve your relationship with your parents is an ongoing, work-in-process goal — an end point does not exist.

While I was working on my relationship with my parents in the past, one of my biggest challenges was that my efforts often seemed futile. For example, when I tried to strike up a conversation with my parents, they were not receptive. There was a period two years ago when I went all out to draw us closer, making big steps (in my opinion) like hugging them and writing cards to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated them for bringing me up.

The response ranged from weak to negative. With the hugging, my mom violently pushed me away as I mentioned in  Part-2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap , much to my shock and horror. My dad didn’t return the hug. With the cards, there was no direct response from my dad or mom. With the conversation attempts, my mom would snap back and ask me why I was asking so many questions, while my dad would give his usual mono-syllabic responses.

There was even a point when I wanted to rearrange the layout in the kitchen because we had an awkward dining room layout that prevented the family from having meals together. We would always be dining separately – my brother and me in our rooms, my mom in the kitchen, and my dad in the living room. However when I suggested the idea, my mom would vehemently rejected it (as she hated change); and when I went ahead and did it anyway, she lost her temper and shifted everything back.

That was when I realized my relationship with my parents wasn’t one that could be mended overnight. We’re not talking about mending a one-time conflict. We’re talking about mending a lifetime of arguments, miscommunication, conflicts, and misunderstandings .

To think that I could resolve all past grievances with just a few “nice” actions was incredibly naive on my part. Even though I did muster a lot of strength to initiate the hugs and write/give them the cards, these actions alone were not enough to mend the gap. Clearly, *a lot* more work had to be done. (I continued to work on the relationship for years after that, even to this day.)

If I switched to their perspective, their (lack of) reaction at that time was completely understandable. Imagine — Up till that point, all our interactions had been abrasive, usually from me to them. Hence for me to suddenly be warm and fuzzy towards them – it was no wonder they were unsure of how to act. They had probably formed a hard shell all these years to protect themselves from further hurt. They probably thought my niceness was a fluke; a randomity; that things would go back to the way they were the next day, and I would be abrasive towards them again.

It was then my responsibility to let them know that things were truly different, that I had grown into a different person, and that I was serious about improving our relationship. How? Not through saying it, but through consistent effort. Through consistent effort on my part, they slowly became more receptive to my actions.

Remember these things take time. The rebuilding of trust is a delicate process.

If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, be ready to commit to this as a journey, and not some X step, X thing you execute in one week or one month. Let them know you’re truly sincere in changing the situation. Let them know that you’re not just doing this as a one-off fluke. Anticipate negativity in their reactions at first, because your changed behavior is probably new to them and they’re trying to adjust. Consistent effort is the key.

Release the parent-child ideal in your mind

Many of us have a parent-child ideal etched in our mind – be it from when we were a child, or as a teenager. This ideal probably formed when we were watching TV, when we witnessed interactions between our friends and their parents, when we read about parent-child relationships in books, and the like.

Believe it or not, the best way to progress your relationship with your parents is to drop the ideal. Drop whatever ideal you have painted in your head for you and your parents. The sooner you release yourself of this self-limiting vision, the sooner the relationship will blossom and come into its own.

As you’ve read from my story , my past parent-child relationship ideal was for my parents to be my best friends . I yearned for us to communicate openly and share anything and everything with each other. I yearned for us to be able to express our care and concern for each other, without reservation. I yearned for us to discuss decisions about my life, to have intelligent conversations, to engage each other on a deep, meaningful level.

When I worked on our relationship with this ideal in mind, I faced resistance the whole time – from them to me, from me to them, and from me to myself. In all my efforts to create an open communication channel with my parents, I would be frustrated with them for not responding in kind.

Why are they not reciprocating my efforts? I thought. Why are they being so difficult? Can’t they see that I’m trying very hard to make things work out?

Ironically, it was when I dropped the ideal 3-4 months ago (in March ’11) that our relationship was finally able to grow (as I mentioned in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness ). It was then that I realized, to my shock, that my parents had been trying so hard to improve our relationship (via their own way) the entire time. I was unfortunately unable to “see” that because I was so fixated on my one ideal.

When you approach your relationship with your parents with a fixed ideal, you suffocate the relationship. Firstly, you limit how the relationship can develop. It’s like creating a scaffolding over a seedling and insisting it grows to X shape and Y size – it doesn’t work that way. Not only that, it’s unfair for your parents because it’s not an ideal you’ve consulted them on. It may be an ideal to you, but not to them, not to the family. The only situation when having an ideal works is when it has been co-created and endorsed by both parties.

The seedling, i.e. your relationship with your parents, can blossom to a beautiful plant on its own, but first you need to give it space to grow. Doing that means removing the scaffolding and eliminating your ideal, i.e. the “fixations” you have for the relationship. Stop expecting them to be someone/something they are not. Instead, accept them as who they are today.

Appreciate what they can offer in their capacity

A lot of times we get frustrated with our parents at all the things they don’t do or can’t do. For example, we may be frustrated at how they are so traditional. We may be frustrated at how close-minded they are. We may be frustrated at their resistance to everything we want to try or do in life. We may be frustrated at how slow they are with things.

Rather than get hung up over how your parents aren’t doing X or Y, learn to appreciate what they can offer in their capacity instead.

For example, say you’re frustrated that you only meet your parents once a month. And that even though you arrange for more frequent meet-ups, they never seem to make themselves available. It’s easy to be annoyed with your parents because your ideal is to meet every week. But if you let go of the ideal (see previous point) and appreciate what they can offer you in their current capacity (which is to meet once a month only), you place much less tension on the relationship.

For me, I used to be frustrated at how my parents can’t fulfill my need to share and relate. I would ask them about themselves, and they would clam up. After I realized it was just not in their natural disposition to talk about themselves or their feelings, I realized I was being selfish by imposing my needs on them. With that, I learned to let go of this expectation, and instead have learned to appreciate what they can offer.

For example, my dad cooks, so when I’m at home, I will eat out less often so that he can cook for me. My mom is a meticulous housemaker and she prides herself at keeping herself up to speed with the needs of the household. Hence, I will let her know if I want any groceries/vegetables/fruits so she can get them. Doing so make them happy, because it is their way of making a difference in my life. I am perfectly fine with cooking for myself or getting my own groceries, but because I know they want to be a part of my life, I create the space for them to do so.

Understand what you are looking for underneath the ideal

The parent-child ideal we create in our mind is usually a projection of something. Our desire to achieve the ideal represents an underlying need that yearns to be fulfilled. The sooner you can identify what you’re looking underneath the ideal, the sooner you can tackle that, as opposed to using the ideal as a proxy of achieving the need, because one may not equate to another.

Let me give an example. A while back, I worked with a client who wanted her dad to be a strong mentor figure. For her dad had always been busy with his work, and was often out of the picture in her life. She felt she lacked a strong father figure. Because of that, she would seek older, fatherly figures to get guidance – be it in her professors, in her bosses, or in her pastors.

Despite all the guidance she received, she still longed for her dad to step in as her mentor.

Was the problem because she lacked guidance? No, it wasn’t. She had more smart, highly capable and successful figures giving her support and advice than anyone else. In fact, many people I know don’t have a mentor, and they do perfectly well. Not only that, she is an incredibly smart and talented person. She is perfectly capable of guiding herself and solving her problems.

Truth is, she longed for her dad to be her mentor figure because she associated mentorship as love. To her, love meant being watched over, getting guidance and advice, being cared for, and so on.  Even though her dad would talk to her occasionally, ferry her to work, participate in family dinners, and spend time with the family when he was not working, these did not register as love to her.

Mentorship, on the other hand, did.

How about you? What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents?

If you look underneath this ideal, what is it you’re looking for?

Is achieving this ideal indicative of that need being met? Or is it just in your head?

In the past, I wanted my parents to be my best friends because I saw open communication and relating to one another as love. Hence, I went out of the way to bridge our communication gap. I tried to talk to them where I could. I would ask them questions about their day, how their work went, their future plans, etc.

If they reciprocated, that meant they loved me; if they didn’t, it meant they didn’t care.

At least that was what I thought.

Yet I was looking in the wrong place the whole time. For even though they didn’t reciprocate, it was because open communication was not their language of love (see below on “Language of Love”). They had been trying to show me they love me all this while, through their actions (as I shared in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness ). They had been trying so hard to express their love, but I had not been able to see it because I had been so blind-sided – so fixated on that one ideal, on that one expression of love.

If you’re reading PE, we’re probably similar in that you enjoy relating to others and having earnest, meaningful conversations. Chances are you would like to have deep conversations with your parents, beyond superficial chats. Chances are you want to hug and say “I love you” to your parents, if you’re not already doing so. Chances are you want to be emotionally closer to them. But for some reason, it’s not happening today.

If it helps, the reason why your parents aren’t doing that isn’t necessarily because they don’t love you. It’s probably because they’re not equipped in those “languages” of expression – be it sharing of emotions, open communication, physical hugging, or directly saying “I love you”. It’s just not how they express themselves to the world.

However, they would have their way of expressing love. Maybe it’s via disapproving of our decisions in life, because they are just too afraid we’ll suffer when we stray from the main path. Maybe it’s via constant worrying, because they don’t want to see us get hurt. Maybe it’s via nagging, because they want to make sure everything goes well for us. Maybe it’s via their fixation with work, because doing well at work means financial security, which means the family is well cared for.

Clearly, whether your parents love you or not is not contingent upon whether they fulfill your ideal. The ideal is just some image we painted up in our minds. Achieving it doesn’t mean anything, to be honest.

Chances are, what you’re seeking with your ideal (be it love from your parents, acceptance by your parents, self-validation, affirmation, etc) is already right there before you, before your very eyes. Don’t fixate yourself so much with your ideal that you miss the very thing you’re looking for – only to see it when it’s too late. The moment you release yourself of this ideal is when the healing between you and your parents begin.

Think about how you can be a better child to them

A lot of times we pinpoint faults in our parents, wondering why they can’t be smarter / richer / more open-minded / less stubborn / more positive / less naggy / quieter / more supportive / etc.

Instead of that, try a different tack – think about how you can be a better child to them.

So,  how can you be a better child to your parents?

Start by being sensitive to their needs. Speak to them in their language of love (see next point). Don’t make things difficult for them. Let them have their way if it’s not a life or death situation. Pre-empt things they need help in (usually technology-related stuff if your parents are not tech-savvy), as parents can be quite unwilling to ask for help unless they’re pushed to the wall. Visit them often (if you don’t live with your parents). Take them out for a meal – make it a weekly or biweekly occasion if possible. Give them a call just so they know you’re thinking of them right now.

In being a better child to them, note it’s not about molding yourself to become their ideal of what a son/daughter should be (assuming they have an ideal). You want to stay true to yourself and improve how you treat your parents in your own way.

Speak to them in their language of love

Language of love refers to the way someone expresses love. Different people have different ways of expressing love – some via physical touch, via words, via actions, etc. In the book  5 Love Languages , Gary Chapman states the 5 key love languages people use are: (1) Words of affirmation (2) Quality time (spent together) (3) Receiving gifts (4) Acts of service (5) Physical touch.

Being brought up in a different generation, it’s not surprising to know our language of love is likely different from our parents’. For example, my parents express their love via acts of service. They like to do things for me. For me, I express love via giving words of affirmation. I also use other ways to express my love, but verbal communication is the primary method I use. (And hence why I’m always telling all of you how much I love you via the blog. :D )

This difference created a big rift between us at the beginning. I would try to communicate with them, but get nothing in return. In turn, they kept trying to do things like buy food for me and cook for me, but I would get frustrated with their obsession with food (some of which you may have read about in the fasting series ). It wasn’t until I recognized their underlying intentions that things changed.

What do you think represents love to your parents? Rather than “speak” to your parents in your language of love, speak to them in their language of love. This means if their language of love is quality time together, then spend more time with them. If their language of love is receiving gifts, then buy a small gift that means something to both of you. If their language of love is words of affirmation, give them a compliment and/or tell them I love you. They will be able to recognize your intentions more easily that way, and accept them more readily.

Do that every day, with every opportunity you have. Don’t stop doing that.

Don’t coerce them into accepting a language they cannot recognize. An example would be to insist on hugging them when they’re clearly uncomfortable with the idea. While you may have the best intentions, you are just imposing your beliefs onto them. Again, learn to “speak” to them in their language, not in your language. You’ll get much better and faster results this way.

Start from existing channels that are already open

If your relationship with your parents is very sour, start from the channels that are already open.

For example, what are the points of contact between you and your parents today? Monthly family dinners? Occasional email exchanges? Sporadic phone calls? Start from there. And work your way up.

My relationship with my parents went downhill during my preadolescent years. Countless arguments, doors slammed in faces mid-way during our verbal fights, shouting, yelling at each other, etc. Because of that, by the time I tried to improve the relationship (when I was 24 or so – 2-3 years ago), many doors between us had been shut close.

This was why when I tried to start our relationship on a fresh slate, I faced an immense amount of resistance. Whenever I tried to engage them in a conversation, I was “slapped” with a huge wave of negativity – particularly from my mom, who has a very “hard” personality. Conversation was clearly a “closed” channel due to nasty experiences we had in the past.

I figured that it was easier to start from existing channels. For example, occasionally my parents would ask me for help in reading their English mail ( which they can’t understand; they are Chinese educated ). In the past, I found it burdensome and would push their requests to later in the evening. But then I realized these requests probably meant a lot to my parents, so I became more helpful and patient whenever they sought my help.

Another example is when my parents ask me what I want to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, as part of a daily routine. In the past, I would just say “Nothing” or “I’ve already eaten”, since I make my own meals (or eat out). After a while, I realized meal preparation is one of the few things my parents can do for me today, so I began to leave my daily meals in their hands. They readily soaked in these opportunities too, which they saw as a way of being a part in my life.

As for my parents’ general lack of desire to communicate verbally, I decided that if we can’t speak much, then at least I can spend more time with them. So during the evenings, I would join my dad to watch TV. I don’t watch TV myself and I don’t care a lot about the TV shows, but to me these 30-45 minutes spent with my dad (and sometimes my mom joins in as well) is well worth the investment of time.

With these existing channels established, it became easier for us to add new layers to our relationship. For example, after they became involved in preparing my daily meals, it created the platform for us to talk, since we had to discuss what I wanted to eat. From there, it provided the opening for us to talk about other things.

I also took the step further by buying cakes for my mom and dad during Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this year, something that’s not a practice in my family as my parents are strongly against such expenditures (they see them as a waste of money). While they didn’t overtly say anything (my dad did say thanks, and even took a picture of the cake with his phone), I know they’re touched by the gesture.

And when I left for Europe this year (2011), I allowed my dad to send me off at the airport. Normally I would reject his request (or anyone’s for that matter) to send me off, because I see it as unnecessary and a total waste of the person’s time. Plus I like to be alone when I’m at the airport – I enjoy the quiet time by myself before I depart for another destination. But I realized it’s his way of showing his love for me (see point above on “Language of Love”), so I accepted his offer.

At the moment (Jul 23, 2011) I’m in Germany, Cologne, and I stay in touch with my parents via Skype calls (a huge step forward for us considering we could never hold a conversation longer than 20 seconds in the past). Our relationship has progressed to where it is today via building up from pieces left between us, after many years of verbal fighting. (Update Feb 2012: I’ve since returned back home to Singapore after a seven-month travel!)

Likewise, no matter how dire your relationship is with your parents today, there are openings you can start off with. If there aren’t (i.e. your connection with your parent(s) has been severed), try the last mode of communication – where you guys left off. Then work from there.

In Conclusion

This has been a long series and I hope you have found it helpful in working on your relationship with your parents.

No matter how the state of your relationship with your parents is today, trust that it can become better – if you want to make it better.

For a long while, I had totally given up hope on my relationship with my parents. I thought it was irreparable, and whatever was done could never be reversed.

But as you’ve clearly seen, this isn’t true. Through a change in thinking and conscious effort, our relationship has improved quite dramatically in the past couple of years. And words can’t express how happy I am about that.

Thank you for all your wonderful comments, support, and open sharing on the first 3 parts. If you found the series helpful in any way, please share it on Facebook and Twitter (via the share buttons below). The more people who get to access this resource, the more lives we get to change around the world. Let’s work together to make the world a more beautiful place. :)

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• Family Dynamics

How to Have a Better Relationship With Your Parents

Consider their worries and your worries, and have patience..

Updated December 21, 2023 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

• Find a Family Therapy Therapist
• Many adults experience a shift in behaviour when spending time with their parents.
• When families reunite, they will likely interact according to old habits, even though children are now adults.
• Although it's challenging, positive improvements in parental relationships can be achieved.

A recent article by a millennial daughter starts with the title “I’m an adult. Why do I regress under my parents’ roof?” 1 The same perspective is reflected in questions posed on forums such as Quora and Reddit, where adult children ask questions such as “Why don’t they realize I am used to making my own decisions now?” or “Why do I behave like a child when my parents annoy me?”

If you have noticed that your behaviour changes when you are in a parent’s home, you may feel that you can’t control what happens. That’s a normal feeling, but it is not fully accurate. Our interactions with our parents are not simple inevitabilities that happen to us; we are active participants in maintaining the dynamics of our family relationships. Habitual interactive patterns within families are indeed powerful bonds—stronger than those we establish in the workplace, for example. However, we can likely make positive improvements in the dynamics of how we interact with our parents provided (1) we better understand why these dynamics occur and (2) we are willing to take some active steps to change these patterns in appropriate and positive ways.

How habitual dynamics are established

One of the reasons we get frustrated by changes in our behaviour from one context (such as our own homes) to another context (such as a parent’s home) is we tend to think of our behaviour as simply a personal choice. If I can just choose my behaviour, then why don’t I behave the same way I do at work or home when I am with my parents?

However, our behaviour does not occur in a vacuum. Our responses are continually solicited in response to our current environment, including the people in a given scenario. These actions are then reinforced—that is, strengthened or weakened—by the reactions they elicit in turn. In other words, much of our behaviour consists of learned responses to specific situations or people, as is also true of the people we encounter. Research has long established that humans create, and then maintain, specific patterns of interaction in all manner of contexts: in informal groups, 2 workplace teams, 3 or institutions. 4

The habitual interactive patterns that exist between adult children and their parents have become entrenched habits over decades. Indeed, the establishment of interactive patterns within a family is fundamental to the development of children’s identities. 5 When a family unit reassembles after time apart, the likely prognosis is that these deeply embedded habits and role enactments will continue as they left off, even when the children are now adults themselves. In most cases, dynamics will only change when there is a concerted effort to disrupt what exists and create something new.

Can family dynamics be changed?

A common response to relationship interactions we do not like is a sense that the interaction is in some way unfair—for example, “It is not fair that my parents frown on my dating choices—I’m 33 years old!” We feel the drive to establish what is fair or not, who is wrong, and who is right. Yet, one of the best-established approaches to escalating an interpersonal conflict is to focus your energy on who is to blame. If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, put your focus on changing the interactive patterns that are locking both sides into the dynamics of your childhood .

It's not easy, but it is possible. One study of adult children-parent relationships determined that, over five years, around 20 percent of relationships improved naturally. 6 If you are willing to take active steps to make changes, you increase your chances. Importantly, do not expect a magic transformation overnight. Aim for—and look out for—small, positive modifications. Sustained small improvements can make all the difference.

Where do I start?

Here are three areas to consider:

• Start by examining the behaviours that you want to change. What situations or comments from your parents trigger you to react in ways you don’t like? For example, for many people living in North America, the primary reason to move out of a parent’s home is to establish independence. 7 When you are back with your parents, perhaps even staying under their roof, that context may threaten your sense of independence, priming you to react even more strongly when a parent comments on your life choices. Aim to reduce the extent of your emotional reaction. Consider how you have responded in the past (your habitual reactions) and how you would like to respond instead.
• Research suggests that adult children employ better conflict management strategies when interacting with their children, rather than when interacting with their parents. For example, we are more likely to openly discuss disagreements with children, whereas the most common conflict management strategy with parents is simply avoiding topics—or even avoiding meetings. 8 What approaches do you use for resolving or reducing conflict that are effective in other settings? How might you be able to apply these with your parents?
• Your parents are likely to judge or weigh in on many different areas of your life because they worry about more areas of your life than you do about theirs. Research tells us that adult children tend to worry about their parents’ health, whereas parents tend to worry about adult children’s health, safety, relationships, finances, and more. 9 Can you devise a strategy to either allay their fears or simply clarify where you would welcome their perspective and where you will handle things on your own?

Finally, you will need patience. It is hard to see our habitual behaviour patterns because habits don’t require thinking. Those snide or judgmental comments a parent makes may grate on you, but that behaviour is probably an inappropriate expression of genuine concern. Often, adult children hold one ultimate advantage: Your parents want to see you. Take some steps to upgrade the patterns of interaction so that experience is better for you both.

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock

1. Hunt, E. (2023, December 6). I’m an adult. why do I regress under my parents’ roof? The Guardian .

2. Cloyd, J. S. (1964). Patterns of role behavior in informal interaction. Sociometry , 27(2), 161.

3. London, M., & Sessa, V. I. (2007). The development of group interaction patterns: How groups become adaptive, generative, and transformative learners. Human Resource Development Review , 6(4), 353–376.

4. Buehler, R. E., Patterson, G. R., & Furniss, J. M. (1966). The reinforcement of behaviour in institutional settings. Behaviour Research and Therapy , 4(3), 157–167.

5. Grotevant, H. D., & Cooper, C. R. (1985). Patterns of interaction in family relationships and the development of identity exploration in adolescence. Child Development , 56(2), 415.

6. Kaufman, G., & Uhlenberg, P. (1998). Effects of life course transitions on the quality of relationships between adult children and their parents. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(4), 924.

7. Mazurik, K., Knudson, S., & Tanaka, Y. (2020). Stuck in the nest? A review of the literature on coresidence in Canada and the United States. Marriage & Family Review, 56(6), 491–512.

8. Birditt, K. S., Polenick, C. A., Van Bolt, O., Kim, K., Zarit, S. H., & Fingerman, K. L. (2017). Conflict strategies in the parent–adult child tie: Generation differences and implications for well-being. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 74(2), 232–241.

9. Hay, E. L., Fingerman, K. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2008). The worries adult children and their parents experience for one another. The International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 67(2), 101–127.

Amanda Nimon-Peters, Ph.D ., is a professor and research fellow at Hult International Business School. She holds a Ph.D. and M.Phil from the University of Cambridge.

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• You and Your Parents
• Improving Relations with Parents

How to Develop a Better Relationship With Your Parents

Last Updated: March 26, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article received 11 testimonials and 81% of readers who voted found it helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 218,284 times.

Problems between parents and children are common and timeless. If you are looking to improve your relationship with your parents, you are not alone. Developing a better relationship with your parents involves assessing the underlying cause of the issues, fostering a more mature relationship with them, and focusing on changing how you think and behave. If you currently have a negative relationship with your parents, or a so-so relationship, but desire to improve it, there are a number of steps that can be taken to make that happen.

Changing Yourself

• Let your parents know that you are appreciative for all they have done for you. It can hurt to feel taken for granted, even for parents.
• Show your appreciation with your actions. Get them a nice gift or, if you live with your parents, do some extra housework without being asked. They will likely be happy with you for this.

• Focus less on seeking their approval. Be willing to define yourself and your self-worth through your own eyes.
• Acknowledge your past, then move on. Your relationship with your parents may have been rough before. Remember this and assess the role you have played in your relationship with your parents, but do not let it define your relationship going forward. [4] X Research source

• Accept that your parents are different. They grew up in a different generation with different social norms and rules of conduct, with different technologies and ways of thinking, with parents who treated them certain ways, that was probably much different that the ways of parenting today. [6] X Research source Think about the ways that their lives may have been different from your life, and how these different histories may be contributing to issues in the relationship.
• Try using this information when you talk about improving your relationship with them. Remind them that times change and ask them to think about their relationship with their own parents. See if they can recall any issues in their relationship with their parents that were due to these 'generational' differences.
• For example, if your relationship with your parents is rocky because they disapprove of you moving in with your significant other before marriage, try reminding them that in their generation people were even more conservative still, and that times change and it is in fact quite common to move in with a significant other without being married.

• Engage in self-discovery. Hold aside what everyone else thinks about you and how you should live your life, including your parents, and ask yourself some serious questions about yourself. Be sure to honestly answer questions such as "what feelings do I want to feel most?" or "what do I want to spend more of my time on?" or "what are my talents?" or "what kind of person am I?"
• Consider whether you are going along with your parents' opinion because you also believe it or because your automatic inclination is to think what they do about something (such as about your relationships, politics or even simple things like your favorite sports team, for example).

• For example, if you continue to expect them to support you financially, you may be leaving the door open for your parents to give you too much unwanted advice or guilt you into spending time with them. [8] X Research source

Changing the Relationship Dynamic

• You may feel that you parents give too much unwanted advice, treat you like a kid, do not respect your opinions, guilt you into spending time with them, or disrespect your friends or spouse. Be sure to have a good sense of the particular aspect of your relationship that you want to improve.

• There are a number of ways in which you can be respectful. Try using polite language (such as "sorry" or "would you mind if"), speaking modestly ("it may be" instead of "it definitely is"), and letting them finish speaking before you take your turn.

• When you are interacting with your parents and you feel a wave of strong emotion coming on, re-assess the situation that led to your strong feelings by asking yourself some questions. [10] X Research source
• For example, if you are in a disagreement with your parents about mowing the lawn you might ask: "In the grand scheme of things, how bad will it really be to mow the lawn?"
• Or, if you don't live with your parents but they are overly involved, asking you detailed questions about your job and giving unwanted advice, you might ask: "What is their motivation for wanting to be so involved? Is it that they care about me and are worried about my financial security?" Asking yourself questions like this may lead you to feel less upset and it may give you insight into how you should respond to your parents. In this case, you may try to improve your relationship by easing their worries about your financial future.
• If re-assessing your situation doesn't work to reduce how emotional you feel, try asking politely whether you can continue the discussion once you have cooled your jets. Explain that you are feeling really upset and don’t want to accidentally say something rude or regretful. [11] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source

• To get around this, try only asking for their advice when you are sure that you really want it. If you are just feeling lazy to think about things on your own, and so you ask your parents, you may be opening the door to frustration on your part.

• Keep in regular contact so your parents can get a better perspective on your life, what upsets you, and what makes you happy. If they do not know you that well, it will be difficult for them to try to improve the relationship. If you listen to your parents they will be more likely to listen to you, opening the door for you to try discussing improving the relationship. [14] X Research source

• Sit down with your parents and tell them you want to improve your relationship with them, but that in order to do so, you think it would be helpful if there were some rules. Ask that they make a list of the rules they would like implemented, and you do the same.
• If you are a teenager or child, rules can include not bringing up certain topics, giving you a chance to try things on your own, or letting you stay out later at night as long as you check in by text or call and can prove that you are being responsible.
• If you are an adult, rules can include asking your parents not to interfere with the way you are choosing to parent your own children, or asking your parents not to comment negatively about your significant other.
• Discuss the different rules, and narrow them down to a list that you all agree on. Check in occasionally to see whether you and your parents are still happy in following the rules that you have agreed on.

The Takeaway: Getting Along Better with Your Parents

Spend more quality time with your parents and share your feelings with them openly and honestly to build trust. Be respectful and stay positive to avoid any unnecessary arguments. If you need help with something, don't be afraid to ask for it.

Expert Q&A

• Recognize that you probably can't change your parents much. If you want to maintain a positive relationship with your parents, understand that largely, you will need to deal with them as they are. Although in talking with them you can work on changing your relationship dynamic, this will take time and it can be difficult to change people’s behavior in drastic ways, particularly in the short term. Remember to keep patient as you navigate improving your relationship! Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

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• ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/
• ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-create-a-healthy-adult-relationship-with-mom-and-dad/
• ↑ http://www.researchgate.net/publication/236587449_Emphatic_Perspective_Taking_in_Family_Relationships._a_social_relations_analysis
• ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle
• ↑ http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2009/10/teen-maturity.aspx
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
• ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/talk_to_parents.html#
• ↑ https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/family/article/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-adult-relationship-with-your-parents
• ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/fight.html#

About This Article

It can be tough if you have a negative relationship with your parents, but with some planning, you can start to improve your relationship. Even if you don't agree with their parenting style, try to be respectful and polite, which will help prevent them from getting defensive. If you have a disagreement with your parents, stay calm and consider whether it’s something worth arguing about. If it really is, try to reason with your parents. Keep in mind that it's okay to have your own opinions, and you and your parents probably won't agree on everything. If your parent's input in your life is really hurting you, consider separating yourself emotionally from them. Focus less on seeking their approval since having some distance may actually help improve your relationship. To learn how to establish boundaries with your parents, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Writing Compassionately about Parents

Today ’s post is by writer and editor Katie Bannon ( @katiedbannon ).

You may be familiar with the iconic opening line of Anna Karenina : “All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Many of us end up writing about our family dynamics in memoir and personal essays, whether we planned to or not. Family members, for better or for worse, are endlessly fascinating. But how do we write about our uniquely dysfunctional families—and our parents, in particular—without being petty? How can we craft rich portraits that show their full, flawed humanity?

The more complex, the better.

Readers respond most to complicated characters. Try to be as balanced as possible in your portrayal of your parents. Showing their redeeming qualities alongside their shortcomings will make them read as human on the page. As a species, we are full of contradictions, and your parent characters should be too.

Remember that it’s difficult for readers to connect with characters who appear one-dimensional. If your mother or father is coming across as either wholly good or wholly bad, the reader is likely to distrust you as a narrator. Readers might wonder if you’ve done the processing necessary to come to terms with who your parents are/were, and if personal grievances are causing you to portray them unfairly.

Readers are also highly attuned to moments when the narrator wants them to see a character a particular way, rather than allowing them to form their own judgments. A one-sided portrayal of a parent won’t cause a reader to hate or love them—it will probably only make them detach from the narrative entirely. Capturing our parents’ complexity isn’t about giving them a “free pass” or sugar-coating their flaws. It’s about ensuring our readers can feel invested in them as characters, and as a result, stay engaged in the narrative as a whole.

If you’re writing about a difficult parent, consider how you might add nuance and compassion to their portrayal by asking the following questions:

• What might have motivated the parent to act the way they did? Was it protectiveness? Fear? Low self-esteem?
• As an adult, what do you understand about the parent that you didn’t know when you were a child?
• Think about the parent’s own trauma and family history. Can you draw connections between the parent’s actions/behaviors and their own past? The ways their own parents treated them?

On the flipside, maybe you idealize a parent. Sometimes this happens once parents have passed away; grief can make it difficult for us to recognize a parent’s shortcomings. But readers distrust perfect characters—they often read as inauthentic or cartoon-like. To help dig deeper into your parent’s complexity, ask yourself the following questions:

• What scares/scared this person? What is/was their greatest fear?
• What do you imagine is/was their biggest regret in life?
• What makes/made your parent feel embarrassed or ashamed?

Don’t tell us who your parents are. Show us instead.

Scenes allow us to watch your parents in action. We can see how they interact with you and others, observe their body language and mannerisms (biting fingernails, scowling, etc.), and hear the way they speak. Detail is at the heart of excellent character portrayals, and scenes are the perfect place to create the color and texture that brings parent characters to life.

Many of us harbor strong feelings toward our parents. This may result in a tendency to sum them up neatly in the narration: “My father was an angry man.” “My mother dealt with a lifetime of guilt.” While telling certainly has its place in memoir and personal essay, it’s often more effective to show us your parents’ personalities through scenes.

Instead of telling us your father was an angry man, show us a scene of him throwing a plate across the kitchen. Paint a picture of his anger through the details: the furrowing of his brow, the thunderous sound of the plate smashing, the way his screams echoed off the walls. A scene like this will allow readers to feel your father’s rage in a visceral, immersive way.

Showing parents in scene also helps you avoid labeling them. Labels reduce your parents to a “type,” diluting the nuance of your character portrayals. Mary Karr doesn’t call her parents “alcoholics” in her memoirs; instead, we see her pouring her parents’ vodka down the drain. Scenes and hyper-specific details are what make your parents idiosyncratic and believable to a reader.

Need help showing your parents on the page? Try this writing exercise:

Write a scene about a time you fought with or were scolded by a parent. The key here is using details to humanize the parent and show the reader the dynamic between the two of you. Play with the tension between what the character of “you ” wants in the scene, versus what the character of your parent wants. Try to include the following elements:

• Your parent’s physical characteristics
• Your parent’s body language (twirling hair, stiffening of the shoulders, etc.)
• Your parent’s speech (word choice, tone, cadence)
• Your parent’s actions and reactions
• Speculation about what your parent might have wanted and/or felt in the scene (which may be in conflict with what you felt/wanted)

Use “telling details” that capture your parents’ essence.

Sometimes just one detail about a parent can speak volumes about who they are. These “telling details” could be as simple as a nervous tic, a favorite catchphrase, or the way they take their coffee. In my memoir, I describe how my father told waiters we had a show to catch (even when we didn’t) just to speed up the service. My mother insisted on standing on the outside of the group in family photos, doing her best to slip out of the photo entirely. Carefully chosen details evoke a huge amount about a parent’s life and identity.

Don’t neglect “telling” physical descriptors. Sometimes we’re so familiar with family members we don’t include the level of detail necessary for readers to see, hear, and feel them on the page. Details like how your parents dressed, the way they walked, what cherished objects they kept in their purse or wallet, can go a long way.

Which “telling details” about your parents will capture their essence on the page? Brainstorm ideas by filling in the blanks.

• On a hot day, my mother/father always wore _______ and drank _______.
• The object my mother/father most treasured was ______ because _______.
• When we had company over, my mother/father would ________.
• When my mother/father was annoyed, her/his voice would ________ and her/his face looked like ________.
• Around the holidays, my mother/father would _________, but she/he would never ________.

Final thoughts

Parents have the potential to be your most vivid characters. Their nuances and contradictions provide incredibly fertile ground for writers. Still, writing compassionately about parents is no easy task. Applying character-focused craft techniques—leaning into complexity, developing scenes, and using evocative details—is crucial to making parent characters believable and engaging for the reader. Only then can we hope to bring our parents, and their humanity, to life on the page.

Katie Bannon  is a writer, editor, and educator whose work has appeared in  The Rumpus, ELLE Magazine, Narratively , and more. Her memoir manuscript, which charts her journey as a compulsive hair puller, was a finalist for the Permafrost Nonfiction Book Prize. A graduate of GrubStreet’s Memoir Incubator, she holds an MFA in creative nonfiction from Emerson College. She is a developmental editor who loves working with memoirists and essayists on how to write and revise their most vulnerable, taboo stories. She teaches at GrubStreet and lives in Central Massachusetts with her partner and two cats.

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Great piece. Really helpful!

I’m so glad it was useful, Ellen!

This teaching article has helped me very much. I have struggled for over a year at writing a memoir of my relationship with my father and how I have come to forgive him since his death 8 years ago. Thank you for publishing this. I am certain I will reread it several times as I work towards finishing the book.

I’m so glad to hear it helped, Elizabeth! Your story sounds really powerful — best of luck as you work toward completing the manuscript!

Thank you for this insightful post. It was exactly what I needed at this juncture in my writing. I am writing about my sister and I had completely forgotten to do a physical description. Can you believe it?

I’m so glad this was useful, Naomi! And I can absolutely believe it — it took me multiple drafts of writing about family members before I realized I’d included almost no physical description of them…it’s easy to forget to do that on the page when we can picture them so well in our own minds!

My Parents: Paragraph on Parents | 100 to 500 + Words | Their Responsibilities, Parents Health Insurance & Influence

This page provides examples of the ‘ paragraph on parents ‘, including both short and long compositions.  My Parents stand as the cornerstone of my life. Their responsibilities range from ensuring our well-being through parents health insurance to molding our character and values. 

Table of Contents

Paragraph on parents- 100 words “my parents: the foundation of my life”.

My Parents are like guiding stars, of my life. They provide guidance, love, and support while also setting boundaries. Parents play an important role in their children’s social, academic, and emotional development.  They teach their children what it means to be a good citizen and how to treat others. Parents also play an important role in their child’s education.

They can help choose the right school for their child and can encourage the child to learn. Parents can also help their children make good choices when it comes to spending their money. We should understand that parents have a lot of responsibilities and obligations.  One of the most important roles is they keep their children safe. For this they take a lot of measures like teach children them about safe driving habits, setting good examples for them, and monitoring their food habits etc.

Parents face many challenges in bringing up their children. Parenting requires a lot of time, effort, and patience. So we should be very much thankful to our parents.

Paragraph on Parents- 150 Words – Parents Responsibility: More Than Just Care and Affection

My Parents are more than just a wonderful gift in my life. Life without parents cannot be imagined. They are always very loving and caring. My father is Mr. Raj Singhania and my mother is Ms. Savitri Singhania. My father is a businessman and a great designer. He is a very kind and hardworking person. He loves me dearly and takes care of all my needs. Sometimes he brings beautiful gifts for me, he takes me out, and fills my life with happiness and joy, he even helps me with my homework.

My mother stays at home, she’s very caring too-taking care of the house, cooking tasty food for all of us, taking me to school in the morning, taking me to the park in the evening telling me interesting stories at bedtime and helping with my homework as well. I am very dear to my parents and love them dearly as well both by respecting them a lot too-I don’t know what I would do without them when I grow up-I will take care of them also.

My Parents” Paragraph on Parents- 200 Words

Parents are an a wonderful gift given to us by God . Parents provide us mental and emotional support as well as they guide us to reach our full potential. In addition, parents play a very important role in helping children learn how to behave and how to socialize. Parents also help children develop skills such as problem solving, social discipline , and self-discipline.

Parents provide children with a good environment. This enables the children to develop their skills and talents. Parents are crucial in raising children. They provide them with the love and support they need to grow into strong individuals. Parents also teach their children about morals, values, and discipline. They set an example for their children and help them learn how to be responsible for themselves.  Parents do everything they can to help their children reach their goals and live a fulfilling life.

Though the task of parenting is hard to balance like work, family, and other responsibilities, but it is worth it in the end. Parents are responsible for raising their children and giving them the best possible upbringing. So the children must understand the sacrifices of their parents and must take a great care of their parents.  

Parents Essay: The Foundation of Our Lives

Introduction

Parents responsibility goes beyond giving birth; they play a great role in shaping our life. They are responsible for their well-being, happiness and education. It is not easy to be a parent, but it is an important job. Parents should do everything they can to help their children grow up to be successful adults.

When raising children, parents remain patient and consistent. They also provide guidance and support when it is needed. They are also aware of their child’s feelings and reactions, and do what they can to encourage healthy relationships. A good relationship between a parent and child helps the child develop empathy and communication skills.

Parents sometimes have fun with their children too. There are many things that parents do together that will make the relationship stronger. One way to have fun with your child is to take them on outings or enjoy activities that they enjoy. Parents should also make time for themselves so that they can recharge and spend more time with their children in the future.

Parents Responsibility in Nurturing the Next Generation

The parents responsibility in a child’s life is paramount, guiding them through every stage. The parents provide the foundation for their child’s early development, and the child in turn benefits from this strong foundation. Parents set an example for their children and help to shape their character. They play a large role in their children’s lives by providing guidance and support throughout the years.

A child needs love and nurturing from both parents, but it is especially important that the father plays an active role in his child’s life. Studies have shown that a father’s involvement in his child’s life has a positive effect on the child’s development. Fathers offer encouragement and support, help to teach values, and provide models of how to be responsible adults.

Fathers are also often better equipped to provide guidance in areas such as academics and athletics. Fathers can provide critical feedback on their children’s school work, which can help them develop skills needed for success in life. Fathers also have an important role in helping their children develop healthy habits such as eating right and getting exercise.

Tips for communicating with your parents

Tips for communicating with your parents are explained here- Some things to keep in mind when speaking with your parents are as follows:

• Listen carefully. Make sure you give your parents the opportunity to explain what they are saying before you respond.
• Be willing to compromise. It is important that you and your parents can work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
• Be respectful. Do not argue with your parents or push them around. Show them respect by listening and trying to understand their point of view.

How to make your parents feel comfortable when they’re around you?

When parents are around their children, it is important for them to feel comfortable. This can be a difficult task for some parents, but there are ways to make them feel more at ease. One way to do this is to show them that you care about them and want to have a good relationship with them.

Additionally, make sure that you are honest with them and let them know what you expect from the relationship. Finally, be respectful of their time and do not monopolize their attention.

Parents Responsibility Reflected in Diverse Parenting Styles

Every parent, in their unique style, showcases their parents responsibility and beliefs in nurturing their child. There are four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful.

Authoritative parenting is when a parent takes charge and gives clear instructions to their child. This type of parenting is most common in traditional families with a father as the head of the household. Authoritative parents set boundaries and expect their children to obey them. They also often have high expectations for their children and expect them to be successful in life. Authoritative parents are usually strict with their children and may be demanding.

Authoritarian parenting is when a parent doesn’t take charge but instead gives their child lots of rules to follow. This type of parenting is often found in single-parent households or households with an absent father. Authoritarian parents give their children little choice in what they do and how they do it. They also frequently discipline their children using physical punishment or verbal abuse. Authoritarian parents are often neglectful of their children and don’t provide them with adequate resources or emotional support.

Permissive parenting is when a parent allows their child to do whatever he or she wants without any constraints. This type of parenting is found more

Parents Health Insurance: Safeguarding Children’s Development

Parents are the pillars of a child’s life. They shape their growth and future. Just as one carefully designs a parent’s room, the influence and guidance of parents are meticulously crafted for the well-being of their children. They are the first educators of their children and guide them in the formation of their personalities and character.

Parents must be patient, consistent, and loving while raising their children. Proper parenting is essential to ensure that children grow into successful adults.

Here are a few ways parents influence their children’s development:

-Parenting styles can vary greatly, but there are some common principles that all parents should follow to provide a healthy home environment for their children. These principles include setting clear expectations, providing structure and discipline, and modeling good behavior.

Children learn best when they feel safe and secure. When parents are able to establish trust with their children, they can open up communication channels that help them understand the world around them. This type of relationship is important for developing positive self-esteem and self-confidence.

Providing opportunities for exploration is another important way that parents can help their children develop intellectually. Children need to try new things in order to learn about the world around them. This can be done by exposing them to different cultures, arts and crafts, and other activities.

Parents Essay: The Significance of a Strong Bond with Children

Parenting, like parents’ medical insurance, offers protection and guidance to a child, and it is important for parents to have a good relationship with their children. A good relationship between parents and children allows for a child to develop emotionally and mentally, as well as learn how to behave appropriately.

A good relationship between parents and children can be achieved through communication, which involves sharing feelings and thoughts with one another. It is also important for parents to spend time with their children, providing them with positive reinforcement and modeling appropriate behavior. When parents model appropriate behavior for their children, they are teaching them how to behave in society.

There are many benefits that result from a good relationship between parents and children. One of the most significant benefits is that a good relationship between parents and children provides children with emotional security. When a child feels secure in his or her relationships, he or she is less likely to experience anxiety or stress.

Additionally, a good relationship between parents and children helps children develop self-esteem. When children feel confident about themselves, they are more likely to succeed in life. Furthermore, a good relationship between parents and children helps create close bonds between the family members. When families are strong, they are better

Parents Responsibility and Vision: Defining Your Parenting Style

The role of parents, much like the blueprint in parents room design, shapes and defines a child’s life. It can be challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding. There are many different types of parents, and each has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some parents are very strict while others are more lenient. Some are very hands-on while others let their children lead more independent lives. The key is to find the parenting style that works best for you and your child.

There is no single right way to parent, and the best way to find out what works for you is to experiment. If you find that you are struggling with a certain parenting style, try to change it gradually over time. Don’t try to force things in the opposite direction; that will only create chaos and conflict. Just take small steps in the new direction, and eventually you will find yourself on the right track.

Above all else, remember that parenting is a partnership between you and your child. You should always put your child’s best interests first, and try to be as understanding as possible when they make mistakes or need help behaving correctly. Above all else, be patient and consistent with your parenting techniques, and your child will eventually

How to Raise a Good Child

Raising a good child is not as easy as it seems. There are plenty of ways to go wrong, and even more ways to go right. To help parents out, here are five tips for raising children that come from experience and observation:

1. Set high standards for your child. It’s important to have expectations for your children, and make sure they understand why these standards are important. This will help them be motivated to meet them. 2. Teach your child how to manage their emotions. it’s important that they know how to control their anger, frustration, and sadness. This will help them develop good problem-solving skills, and stay calm in difficult situations. 3. Encourage your child’s creativity and imagination. These can be powerful tools, so let your kids use them! Play with them and allow them to explore different ideas. 4. Help your child develop a healthy relationship with food. Make sure they eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and avoid junk food and sweets completely. This will help them maintain a healthy weight throughout their lives. 5. Teach your child about respect for others. This is one of the most important lessons a child can

As a parent, it is your duty to provide the best possible environment for your children. You are their first teacher and role model, and it is your responsibility to set an example for them. It is also up to you to make sure that they have all the resources they need in order to succeed both in school and in life.

This essay will outline some of the ways that you can help ensure that your children receive the support they need from you. Thank you for reading!

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Defining Success: --> How to Build Strong Relationships With Your Parents, and Repair Them When Things Get Off Track

Supportive Relationships are Important

Supportive relationships with caring adults matter to your well-being. If your relationship with your parents has derailed, you can get it back on track. This article offers tips to build strong connections. The ideas come from over 500 teens from 40 different states .

Relationships Take Work

Relationships are complicated and take work. But they are worth the effort. And here are a few reasons why. 

• People with strong connections are happier and emotionally healthier. When someone who cares shows you affection, feel-good chemicals are released in your body. This decreases your stress levels and boosts your mood.
• Having a caring adult in your corner builds resilience . You are more likely to bounce back from challenging times when you have a trusted person to turn to for comfort, help, or advice.  
• Close bonds with caregivers help you develop a clear sense of self. Family duties and traditions guide you towards figuring out who you are and what you care about.
• Supportive relationships create feelings of belonging. Knowing that you belong helps you find meaning in life and better cope with difficult emotions.  
• Relationships with parents offer practice for the future. Successful relationships involve respect, listening, and compromise. Learning to do this now gives you a head start for later.

Build a Strong Bond

It’s normal to begin pulling away from parents during the teen years. But it’s also important to make an effort to maintain a strong bond. Get started by letting your parents into your world. Share about your interests, not just about school. What makes you curious? Who makes you LOL? Where do you feel most comfortable? They will appreciate getting to know the real you. Also, try to be more open about your full range of feelings. Don’t just share the exciting news. Let them in on what’s frustrating, upsetting, or disappointing you. 

Another way to connect is to spend time together. Invite them to join you in one of your hobbies. Find a show to binge watch together. Or, try something new with each other – explore a park you’ve never been to, learn a TikTok dance, or cook a new recipe.

Get Calm, Then Talk

If your relationship with your parents is stuck in a rut, or you find yourself at odds, it is not too late to try and mend things. It’s important to share your feelings even if it feels hard. Taylor Swift was on to something when she sang, ‘You need to calm down.’ We communicate best when calm. So, take some time to cool off before approaching your parents. Find something to help you relax. Go for a walk, take deep breaths, listen to music, take a warm shower, write, draw, or find a creative outlet. Once you are in your ‘calm’ era, you can approach the situation clearly. If talking feels overwhelming, consider writing about how you feel instead. Read this article on how to write a letter to jumpstart tough conversations. If you are ready to approach your parents, consider these conversation tips.

3 Tips to Repair Relationships

• Advocate. Part of growing up includes speaking up for your needs . To stand up for yourself, you must first know what you are asking for. Do some thinking about what you hope to accomplish in advance of the conversation. Parents are not mind-readers. Be prepared to share your feelings, needs, and concerns. Start with an ‘I’ statement to get the ball rolling – “I am upset that all we seem to talk about are my grades. It makes me feel stressed out. Can we focus on other things I’m doing, too?”
• Apologize. If you messed up, make a genuine apology. Take responsibility for your actions and any harm you may have caused. Explain what you will do to make up for the mistake. Tie the apology to the deed. “I’m sorry I came home late. I get why you were worried. I will call next time.” For more tips on apologizing, read The Power of an Apology . 
• Forgive. Start with forgiving yourself. Guilt is not a productive emotion. Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what you can do to improve the situation. If you are upset with your parents, try to put yourself in their shoes. They are human, too, and will make mistakes. Forgiveness does not imply you agree with their actions. Just that you are willing to move on and find a better path forward. 

There is no magic potion to solve all relationship problems. But these tips can help show your parents you want to try to make things better. You deserve to have adults that support you. If you do not have a parent that is willing or able to support you, reach out to other caring adults. This could include doctors, teachers, guidance counselors, relatives, coaches, or neighbors. They can help you talk to your parents or find other resources or solutions.  

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About Elyse Salek

Elyse Salek, M.S.Ed. is an Administrative Director of Research at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Her degrees are in Psychology and Human Development from Middlebury College and the University of Pennsylvania School of Education. She is the proud mother of two children.

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Essay On Parents

To think, talk or write about parents can take one on an emotional roller-coaster ride. Parents are the most significant and influential people in every child's life. Right from giving us birth, parents toil hard to make us independent and self-sufficient individuals. Here are a few sample essays on “Parents”.

100 Words Essay On Parents

200 words essay on parents, 500 words essay on parents.

The influence of parents on children's life is significant, we are because they are. They are responsible for giving birth as well as bringing them up in a healthy way. Right from the day a child is born, parents take care of their every need and groom them to become effective members of society. They are essential to each stage of a child's development. Parents are givers of love, support, care and direction which is needed for one to move forward in life. Nothing is more reassuring and calming for a person than their parents’ arms, no matter how old they get.

For a youngling, parents are providers of everything. From the basic needs of food and personal hygiene, love and care, to all material needs and requirements. Parents toil hard in their respective occupations to give the best possible lives to their children. They do all in their power to make their children all their wishes.

First Teachers | Parents are a child's first teachers, and teach the essence of integral living. The lessons a child learns by observing their parents and listening to them are invaluable, and their real value is often understood after growing up and seeing some of life. It is from parents that children learn to face difficult situations and challenges in life.

Givers Of Love | Unconditional love and acceptance from parents is essential for the healthy development of any child into an adult. A child, whatever age they might be, is likely to feel more motivated to study, work, and achieve their goals if they know they have their parents to fall back upon. Some of the renowned psychologists of the world have established that the quality of one’s relationship with their parents has a huge impact on the kind of relationships they form as adults.

They say, it is at the birth of the child that a parent is born. The art of parenting is difficult to develop and maintain, there is something new to learn at every step. There is no turning back once one signs up for it. Parents need to carefully manage their time and mindfully manage work and personal life, such that they’re able to give adequate time to their children.

Parents As Providers | Like the human body needs food, water, and oxygen to survive, the body and the mind also need love, affection, and security to thrive. All these needs are, for the first few years of life, fulfilled solely by one’s parents. Parents share all our joys and griefs. They laugh when we laugh, and cry when we cry.

Lifelong Companions | Parental influence on a child's growth is fundamental. The journey from childhood to adulthood is full of physiological, psychological, and social changes. It is easier and less of a pain for individuals to go through these changes and deal with the various challenges they bring, if the journey is backed by the unconditional acceptance and support of parents.

Remind Us Of Strengths | Parents try to provide the best of education to their children. It is said that it is one’s parents who are the most well-aware of one’s skills, strengths, and limitations. Whenever needed, parents remind us of our strengths and encourage us to steer through all the challenges that come our way.

My Relationship With My Parents

I live in a family of six, including my parents, grandparents, my younger brother, and me. My father is a businessman, he is a builder with the govt., while my mother is a homemaker. When I was younger, I used to closer to my mother, share everything with her, spend time with her, but extremely scared of my father. My father had a controlling nature and so I thought he would get angry if I shared anything with him.

My Father And I | But as I grew up, I saw my father encouraging me to hone my talents of dancing, singing, and swimming. He got me enrolled in the best classes for each of these in our locality and would make sure that he dropped me and picked me up from the classes everyday. I realised that my father wanted me to become the best version of myself and polish each skill and talent I possessed, so I could feel proud of myself. One day, one of our relatives commented on me being slightly overweight. My father sensed that I felt embarrassed and that it was wrong of my aunt to comment like that, and so he immediately told my aunt that his daughter would live the kind of life she wanted to and that no one should comment on her choices, in any way.

My Mother And I | My mother and I are like the closest of friends. Not a day goes when I don’t sit with her to discuss what happens in school and among my friends. She never judges me and only tries to handhold me in situations where she feels I feel challenged. We go for lunch to some nice place once in a week and also do some shopping during those outings. She cooks my favourite dishes for me and pampers me like a little baby.

Explore Career Options (By Industry)

• Construction
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• Information Technology

Data Administrator

Database professionals use software to store and organise data such as financial information, and customer shipping records. Individuals who opt for a career as data administrators ensure that data is available for users and secured from unauthorised sales. DB administrators may work in various types of industries. It may involve computer systems design, service firms, insurance companies, banks and hospitals.

Bio Medical Engineer

The field of biomedical engineering opens up a universe of expert chances. An Individual in the biomedical engineering career path work in the field of engineering as well as medicine, in order to find out solutions to common problems of the two fields. The biomedical engineering job opportunities are to collaborate with doctors and researchers to develop medical systems, equipment, or devices that can solve clinical problems. Here we will be discussing jobs after biomedical engineering, how to get a job in biomedical engineering, biomedical engineering scope, and salary. 

Ethical Hacker

A career as ethical hacker involves various challenges and provides lucrative opportunities in the digital era where every giant business and startup owns its cyberspace on the world wide web. Individuals in the ethical hacker career path try to find the vulnerabilities in the cyber system to get its authority. If he or she succeeds in it then he or she gets its illegal authority. Individuals in the ethical hacker career path then steal information or delete the file that could affect the business, functioning, or services of the organization.

GIS officer work on various GIS software to conduct a study and gather spatial and non-spatial information. GIS experts update the GIS data and maintain it. The databases include aerial or satellite imagery, latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates, and manually digitized images of maps. In a career as GIS expert, one is responsible for creating online and mobile maps.

Data Analyst

The invention of the database has given fresh breath to the people involved in the data analytics career path. Analysis refers to splitting up a whole into its individual components for individual analysis. Data analysis is a method through which raw data are processed and transformed into information that would be beneficial for user strategic thinking.

Data are collected and examined to respond to questions, evaluate hypotheses or contradict theories. It is a tool for analyzing, transforming, modeling, and arranging data with useful knowledge, to assist in decision-making and methods, encompassing various strategies, and is used in different fields of business, research, and social science.

Geothermal Engineer

Individuals who opt for a career as geothermal engineers are the professionals involved in the processing of geothermal energy. The responsibilities of geothermal engineers may vary depending on the workplace location. Those who work in fields design facilities to process and distribute geothermal energy. They oversee the functioning of machinery used in the field.

Database Architect

If you are intrigued by the programming world and are interested in developing communications networks then a career as database architect may be a good option for you. Data architect roles and responsibilities include building design models for data communication networks. Wide Area Networks (WANs), local area networks (LANs), and intranets are included in the database networks. It is expected that database architects will have in-depth knowledge of a company's business to develop a network to fulfil the requirements of the organisation. Stay tuned as we look at the larger picture and give you more information on what is db architecture, why you should pursue database architecture, what to expect from such a degree and what your job opportunities will be after graduation. Here, we will be discussing how to become a data architect. Students can visit NIT Trichy , IIT Kharagpur , JMI New Delhi . 

Remote Sensing Technician

Individuals who opt for a career as a remote sensing technician possess unique personalities. Remote sensing analysts seem to be rational human beings, they are strong, independent, persistent, sincere, realistic and resourceful. Some of them are analytical as well, which means they are intelligent, introspective and inquisitive. 

Remote sensing scientists use remote sensing technology to support scientists in fields such as community planning, flight planning or the management of natural resources. Analysing data collected from aircraft, satellites or ground-based platforms using statistical analysis software, image analysis software or Geographic Information Systems (GIS) is a significant part of their work. Do you want to learn how to become remote sensing technician? There's no need to be concerned; we've devised a simple remote sensing technician career path for you. Scroll through the pages and read.

Budget Analyst

Budget analysis, in a nutshell, entails thoroughly analyzing the details of a financial budget. The budget analysis aims to better understand and manage revenue. Budget analysts assist in the achievement of financial targets, the preservation of profitability, and the pursuit of long-term growth for a business. Budget analysts generally have a bachelor's degree in accounting, finance, economics, or a closely related field. Knowledge of Financial Management is of prime importance in this career.

Underwriter

An underwriter is a person who assesses and evaluates the risk of insurance in his or her field like mortgage, loan, health policy, investment, and so on and so forth. The underwriter career path does involve risks as analysing the risks means finding out if there is a way for the insurance underwriter jobs to recover the money from its clients. If the risk turns out to be too much for the company then in the future it is an underwriter who will be held accountable for it. Therefore, one must carry out his or her job with a lot of attention and diligence.

Finance Executive

Product manager.

A Product Manager is a professional responsible for product planning and marketing. He or she manages the product throughout the Product Life Cycle, gathering and prioritising the product. A product manager job description includes defining the product vision and working closely with team members of other departments to deliver winning products.  

Operations Manager

Individuals in the operations manager jobs are responsible for ensuring the efficiency of each department to acquire its optimal goal. They plan the use of resources and distribution of materials. The operations manager's job description includes managing budgets, negotiating contracts, and performing administrative tasks.

Stock Analyst

Individuals who opt for a career as a stock analyst examine the company's investments makes decisions and keep track of financial securities. The nature of such investments will differ from one business to the next. Individuals in the stock analyst career use data mining to forecast a company's profits and revenues, advise clients on whether to buy or sell, participate in seminars, and discussing financial matters with executives and evaluate annual reports.

A Researcher is a professional who is responsible for collecting data and information by reviewing the literature and conducting experiments and surveys. He or she uses various methodological processes to provide accurate data and information that is utilised by academicians and other industry professionals. Here, we will discuss what is a researcher, the researcher's salary, types of researchers.

Welding Engineer

Welding Engineer Job Description: A Welding Engineer work involves managing welding projects and supervising welding teams. He or she is responsible for reviewing welding procedures, processes and documentation. A career as Welding Engineer involves conducting failure analyses and causes on welding issues. 

Transportation Planner

A career as Transportation Planner requires technical application of science and technology in engineering, particularly the concepts, equipment and technologies involved in the production of products and services. In fields like land use, infrastructure review, ecological standards and street design, he or she considers issues of health, environment and performance. A Transportation Planner assigns resources for implementing and designing programmes. He or she is responsible for assessing needs, preparing plans and forecasts and compliance with regulations.

Environmental Engineer

Individuals who opt for a career as an environmental engineer are construction professionals who utilise the skills and knowledge of biology, soil science, chemistry and the concept of engineering to design and develop projects that serve as solutions to various environmental problems. 

Safety Manager

A Safety Manager is a professional responsible for employee’s safety at work. He or she plans, implements and oversees the company’s employee safety. A Safety Manager ensures compliance and adherence to Occupational Health and Safety (OHS) guidelines.

Conservation Architect

A Conservation Architect is a professional responsible for conserving and restoring buildings or monuments having a historic value. He or she applies techniques to document and stabilise the object’s state without any further damage. A Conservation Architect restores the monuments and heritage buildings to bring them back to their original state.

Structural Engineer

A Structural Engineer designs buildings, bridges, and other related structures. He or she analyzes the structures and makes sure the structures are strong enough to be used by the people. A career as a Structural Engineer requires working in the construction process. It comes under the civil engineering discipline. A Structure Engineer creates structural models with the help of computer-aided design software. 

Highway Engineer

Highway Engineer Job Description:  A Highway Engineer is a civil engineer who specialises in planning and building thousands of miles of roads that support connectivity and allow transportation across the country. He or she ensures that traffic management schemes are effectively planned concerning economic sustainability and successful implementation.

Field Surveyor

Are you searching for a Field Surveyor Job Description? A Field Surveyor is a professional responsible for conducting field surveys for various places or geographical conditions. He or she collects the required data and information as per the instructions given by senior officials. 

Orthotist and Prosthetist

Orthotists and Prosthetists are professionals who provide aid to patients with disabilities. They fix them to artificial limbs (prosthetics) and help them to regain stability. There are times when people lose their limbs in an accident. In some other occasions, they are born without a limb or orthopaedic impairment. Orthotists and prosthetists play a crucial role in their lives with fixing them to assistive devices and provide mobility.

Pathologist

A career in pathology in India is filled with several responsibilities as it is a medical branch and affects human lives. The demand for pathologists has been increasing over the past few years as people are getting more aware of different diseases. Not only that, but an increase in population and lifestyle changes have also contributed to the increase in a pathologist’s demand. The pathology careers provide an extremely huge number of opportunities and if you want to be a part of the medical field you can consider being a pathologist. If you want to know more about a career in pathology in India then continue reading this article.

Veterinary Doctor

Speech therapist, gynaecologist.

Gynaecology can be defined as the study of the female body. The job outlook for gynaecology is excellent since there is evergreen demand for one because of their responsibility of dealing with not only women’s health but also fertility and pregnancy issues. Although most women prefer to have a women obstetrician gynaecologist as their doctor, men also explore a career as a gynaecologist and there are ample amounts of male doctors in the field who are gynaecologists and aid women during delivery and childbirth. 

Audiologist

The audiologist career involves audiology professionals who are responsible to treat hearing loss and proactively preventing the relevant damage. Individuals who opt for a career as an audiologist use various testing strategies with the aim to determine if someone has a normal sensitivity to sounds or not. After the identification of hearing loss, a hearing doctor is required to determine which sections of the hearing are affected, to what extent they are affected, and where the wound causing the hearing loss is found. As soon as the hearing loss is identified, the patients are provided with recommendations for interventions and rehabilitation such as hearing aids, cochlear implants, and appropriate medical referrals. While audiology is a branch of science that studies and researches hearing, balance, and related disorders.

An oncologist is a specialised doctor responsible for providing medical care to patients diagnosed with cancer. He or she uses several therapies to control the cancer and its effect on the human body such as chemotherapy, immunotherapy, radiation therapy and biopsy. An oncologist designs a treatment plan based on a pathology report after diagnosing the type of cancer and where it is spreading inside the body.

Are you searching for an ‘Anatomist job description’? An Anatomist is a research professional who applies the laws of biological science to determine the ability of bodies of various living organisms including animals and humans to regenerate the damaged or destroyed organs. If you want to know what does an anatomist do, then read the entire article, where we will answer all your questions.

For an individual who opts for a career as an actor, the primary responsibility is to completely speak to the character he or she is playing and to persuade the crowd that the character is genuine by connecting with them and bringing them into the story. This applies to significant roles and littler parts, as all roles join to make an effective creation. Here in this article, we will discuss how to become an actor in India, actor exams, actor salary in India, and actor jobs. 

Individuals who opt for a career as acrobats create and direct original routines for themselves, in addition to developing interpretations of existing routines. The work of circus acrobats can be seen in a variety of performance settings, including circus, reality shows, sports events like the Olympics, movies and commercials. Individuals who opt for a career as acrobats must be prepared to face rejections and intermittent periods of work. The creativity of acrobats may extend to other aspects of the performance. For example, acrobats in the circus may work with gym trainers, celebrities or collaborate with other professionals to enhance such performance elements as costume and or maybe at the teaching end of the career.

Video Game Designer

Career as a video game designer is filled with excitement as well as responsibilities. A video game designer is someone who is involved in the process of creating a game from day one. He or she is responsible for fulfilling duties like designing the character of the game, the several levels involved, plot, art and similar other elements. Individuals who opt for a career as a video game designer may also write the codes for the game using different programming languages.

Depending on the video game designer job description and experience they may also have to lead a team and do the early testing of the game in order to suggest changes and find loopholes.

Radio Jockey

Radio Jockey is an exciting, promising career and a great challenge for music lovers. If you are really interested in a career as radio jockey, then it is very important for an RJ to have an automatic, fun, and friendly personality. If you want to get a job done in this field, a strong command of the language and a good voice are always good things. Apart from this, in order to be a good radio jockey, you will also listen to good radio jockeys so that you can understand their style and later make your own by practicing.

A career as radio jockey has a lot to offer to deserving candidates. If you want to know more about a career as radio jockey, and how to become a radio jockey then continue reading the article.

Choreographer

The word “choreography" actually comes from Greek words that mean “dance writing." Individuals who opt for a career as a choreographer create and direct original dances, in addition to developing interpretations of existing dances. A Choreographer dances and utilises his or her creativity in other aspects of dance performance. For example, he or she may work with the music director to select music or collaborate with other famous choreographers to enhance such performance elements as lighting, costume and set design.

Social Media Manager

A career as social media manager involves implementing the company’s or brand’s marketing plan across all social media channels. Social media managers help in building or improving a brand’s or a company’s website traffic, build brand awareness, create and implement marketing and brand strategy. Social media managers are key to important social communication as well.

Photographer

Photography is considered both a science and an art, an artistic means of expression in which the camera replaces the pen. In a career as a photographer, an individual is hired to capture the moments of public and private events, such as press conferences or weddings, or may also work inside a studio, where people go to get their picture clicked. Photography is divided into many streams each generating numerous career opportunities in photography. With the boom in advertising, media, and the fashion industry, photography has emerged as a lucrative and thrilling career option for many Indian youths.

An individual who is pursuing a career as a producer is responsible for managing the business aspects of production. They are involved in each aspect of production from its inception to deception. Famous movie producers review the script, recommend changes and visualise the story. 

They are responsible for overseeing the finance involved in the project and distributing the film for broadcasting on various platforms. A career as a producer is quite fulfilling as well as exhaustive in terms of playing different roles in order for a production to be successful. Famous movie producers are responsible for hiring creative and technical personnel on contract basis.

Copy Writer

In a career as a copywriter, one has to consult with the client and understand the brief well. A career as a copywriter has a lot to offer to deserving candidates. Several new mediums of advertising are opening therefore making it a lucrative career choice. Students can pursue various copywriter courses such as Journalism , Advertising , Marketing Management . Here, we have discussed how to become a freelance copywriter, copywriter career path, how to become a copywriter in India, and copywriting career outlook. 

In a career as a vlogger, one generally works for himself or herself. However, once an individual has gained viewership there are several brands and companies that approach them for paid collaboration. It is one of those fields where an individual can earn well while following his or her passion. 

Ever since internet costs got reduced the viewership for these types of content has increased on a large scale. Therefore, a career as a vlogger has a lot to offer. If you want to know more about the Vlogger eligibility, roles and responsibilities then continue reading the article. 

For publishing books, newspapers, magazines and digital material, editorial and commercial strategies are set by publishers. Individuals in publishing career paths make choices about the markets their businesses will reach and the type of content that their audience will be served. Individuals in book publisher careers collaborate with editorial staff, designers, authors, and freelance contributors who develop and manage the creation of content.

Careers in journalism are filled with excitement as well as responsibilities. One cannot afford to miss out on the details. As it is the small details that provide insights into a story. Depending on those insights a journalist goes about writing a news article. A journalism career can be stressful at times but if you are someone who is passionate about it then it is the right choice for you. If you want to know more about the media field and journalist career then continue reading this article.

Individuals in the editor career path is an unsung hero of the news industry who polishes the language of the news stories provided by stringers, reporters, copywriters and content writers and also news agencies. Individuals who opt for a career as an editor make it more persuasive, concise and clear for readers. In this article, we will discuss the details of the editor's career path such as how to become an editor in India, editor salary in India and editor skills and qualities.

Individuals who opt for a career as a reporter may often be at work on national holidays and festivities. He or she pitches various story ideas and covers news stories in risky situations. Students can pursue a BMC (Bachelor of Mass Communication) , B.M.M. (Bachelor of Mass Media) , or  MAJMC (MA in Journalism and Mass Communication) to become a reporter. While we sit at home reporters travel to locations to collect information that carries a news value.  

Corporate Executive

Are you searching for a Corporate Executive job description? A Corporate Executive role comes with administrative duties. He or she provides support to the leadership of the organisation. A Corporate Executive fulfils the business purpose and ensures its financial stability. In this article, we are going to discuss how to become corporate executive.

Multimedia Specialist

A multimedia specialist is a media professional who creates, audio, videos, graphic image files, computer animations for multimedia applications. He or she is responsible for planning, producing, and maintaining websites and applications. 

Quality Controller

A quality controller plays a crucial role in an organisation. He or she is responsible for performing quality checks on manufactured products. He or she identifies the defects in a product and rejects the product. 

A quality controller records detailed information about products with defects and sends it to the supervisor or plant manager to take necessary actions to improve the production process.

Production Manager

A QA Lead is in charge of the QA Team. The role of QA Lead comes with the responsibility of assessing services and products in order to determine that he or she meets the quality standards. He or she develops, implements and manages test plans. 

Process Development Engineer

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How to Navigate Relationships with Parents After You’re All Grown Up

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Parents see the world differently from their children as they grow up.

Everyone grows up in different homes, and the experiences we share with our parents as children shape much of how we approach the world as adults. The way parents and kids interpret interactions differs. For example, many parents feel like they made decisions to protect us when, in reality, they were being overbearing and heavy-handed. These differing perspectives can drive a wedge between family members.

One thing we can all agree on is that no one is perfect. Whether we were raised in a “good household” or experienced significant parent-induced trauma during our childhood, every parent has their shortcomings. As we grow older, we naturally grow further apart from our parents and find navigating our parent-child relationships more difficult. However, it’s possible to establish a great relationship with your parents as an adult — it just takes a little patience and the right game plan. 

How to Develop a Better Relationship with Your Parents

We can all do better in our relationships with our parents. In many cases, the way we interact with our parents as children continues into adult life. These behavioral patterns often result in misunderstandings, poor communication, and possibly permanent damage to the relationship when boundaries are crossed. The following tips may not resolve every concern with our parents, but they can help us improve communication and better respect each other’s boundaries.

Tip #1: Talk to Each Other Like Adults

An overwhelmingly common point of conflict between adult children and their parents is how they communicate. Our parents have spoken to us as authority figures for decades by the time we grow into adults, and this frame of thinking is a difficult habit to overcome on both sides of the relationship.

An overwhelmingly common point of conflict between adult children and their parents is how they communicate.

The Problem: The result of an inability to see beyond a parent-child relationship creates frequent age-inappropriate communication. Parents often fall into the trap of not seeing their children as adults, which results in them offering unwanted advice or making demands they would never ask of another adult. Consequently, this communication pattern causes adult children to respond with childlike immaturity.

The Solution: It may seem like an easier said than done situation, but the best way to stop this conversation pattern is to pay attention to how you speak to your parents. When you notice yourself slipping into immature responses and speech patterns, take a step back with your parents and reset how you address each other. Remember, adjusting communication is difficult, especially with parents, so don’t expect improvement immediately. Yet, sticking with the process and making gradual adjustments will better your communication skills over time.

Tip #2: Take Initiative in the Relationship

The Problem: The increased independence and responsibility of adulthood can cause separation between parents and their adult children. This separation often stems from busy schedules filled with full-time jobs, a social life, and other family responsibilities if we have a family of our own. Since we are only gifted with a limited amount of time, we need to be intentional with the time we spend with our parents instead of waiting for them to make a move.

The Solution: The best place to start if you have unintentionally drifted apart from your parents is to take the initiative in seeing them. A great first step is planning a lunch together so both of you can catch up on what has happened lately in life. From there, start to take further steps to find ways to bond as adults. Taking the initiative in the relationship prevents the relationship from fading due to the expectation of the other party making the first move.

Tip #3: Learn How to Implement Constructive Conflict

Growing up comes with many unknowns, and unfortunately, properly handling conflict tends to be one thing we don’t always learn from our parents. Instead of explaining the reasons behind corrections, many parents give the ever-popular response, “Because I said so.” This response may work while we are younger to prevent us from making poor decisions, but we need more thorough reasoning as we grow older.

The Problem: As we grow from children into young adults, many parents struggle to open effective communication channels behind correction or discipline. This lack of communication results in an unhealthy approach to the conflict, including passive-aggressive responses, ignoring the root of the disagreement, and other destructive coping mechanisms. Ultimately, harmful practices to resolve conflict create significant challenges for adult children and parents.

The Solution: The transition into adulthood allows you to step away from the past cycles of conflict resolution you experienced as a child. Learning how to use constructive conflict can help open the door to improving parental relationships. Instead of falling into unhealthy conflict resolution patterns with your parents, you can find ways to resolve old conflicts and grow together.

Tip #4: Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries between parents and their kids can be one of the most challenging transitions when we reach adulthood. When we were young children, our parents were responsible for every aspect of our well-being. Because of this remarkably pressing responsibility, rules like leaving the bedroom door open or when bedtime was were necessary for our parents to protect our overall health. 

The Problem: Parents’ habits and instincts to protect their children don’t disappear as we grow older, and the result is a difficulty to develop healthy boundaries with adult children. Adult children often feel like their parents overstep boundaries by doing things like giving too much advice or showing up at their residence without warning.

The Solution: You need to establish honest communication in order to set healthy boundaries with your parents. If you can work from a place of openness, you can both be candid about the limits you need in your relationship. Remember to establish your ground rules in gratitude — you want to convey that these boundaries come from a place of respect and love.

Tip #5: Accept Feedback from Your Parents

It’s common for parents to avoid having an open discussion with you about the effectiveness of their parenting style during your childhood. Most parents want what’s best for their children, but they don’t want to hear that they aren’t doing the best job. Consequently, receiving feedback from their adult children can be a point of friction in their relationships. 

The Problem: Parents and adult children have independent views of what is right and acceptable. In some cases, this can cause points of friction in the relationship. For example, parents may disagree with phone use during an in-person conversation, or their adult child could feel uncomfortable about addressing specific topics during conversation.

The Solution: Accepting feedback is essential to any healthy relationship, and the relationship between parents and adult children is no different. Holding appropriate conversations and sharing feedback on each person’s feelings is essential to developing a better adult relationship with parents. The next time your parents share input about how they feel about the relationship, take the time to listen and make the necessary changes for growth.

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What if your relationship with your parent is beyond repair.

Toxic relationships are unhealthy, and you shouldn’t make an exception for your parents. Holding on to the idea that “blood is thicker than water” or that you need to stick with family for life could be hurting your emotional, mental, and physical health if your relationship with one or both of your parents is toxic. Cutting ties with your parents may be one of the most difficult things you do in your life, but maintaining an unhealthy relationship will cause more pain than good.

Toxic relationships are unhealthy, and you shouldn’t make an exception for your parents.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship with Your Parent

Admitting that you’re the adult child of a toxic parent can be a complicated situation. Even in verbal and mental abuse situations, people find it hard to break ties with family members because of their shared history. Instead of meeting the problem head-on and cutting ties with a parent who is causing harm, many try to turn a blind eye to the harmful effects of the relationship. If you’re worried that your parent-child relationship is unhealthy, look for the following signs:

• They’re incredibly reactive and turn minor issues into major problems resulting in hostility, anger, or verbal abuse.
• They lack empathy in the relationship and make every situation focus on their problems without seeing the adverse side effects. 
• They’re incredibly controlling and still make unreasonable demands of their adult children.
• They’re highly critical of everyone around them and refuse to acknowledge the accomplishments of others.
• They blame others and refuse to accept responsibility for the cause of any problem — even if the root of the issue is their fault.

Holding onto a toxic relationship with your parents can have severe consequences for your overall well-being. The stress caused by an unhealthy relationship can increase the mental health challenges you face and put you at the risk of serious physical health problems. By taking a courageous step and cutting a destructive relationship from your life, you open possibilities for a healthier life.

Maintaining a Healthy Parent-Child Relationship Takes Work

Growing older and learning how to be more independent and how to say “no” to your parents is a process. Taking the time to set healthy boundaries , practicing better communication skills with your parents, and opening yourself to accept feedback are all essential facets of maintaining a healthy relationship as an adult child. Remember, you can build a healthy adult relationship with your parents with patience and persistence.

You deserve to have relationships that build you up! Cheers to the relationships that light you up and promote growth in your life — and cheers to greatness!

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Yes, Your Parents Affect Your Future Relationships—Here's How

A psychologist breaks down the four ways in which your mother and father have an impact on your love life.

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Very few people (regardless of which generation they belong to) would say that dating is an easy feat. However, dating in the digital age feels especially challenging:  Dating apps  make it that much harder to hold anyone's attention (because everyone's talking to a slew of other romantic interests) and that much easier to ghost someone. That said, once we find our match , we'll happily agree that the time and effort was well worth it.

How you give and receive love is greatly influenced and shaped by one or two critical people in your life: your parents. In fact, Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D., told us that our first experience with this emotion is with our parents, and those early years set the bar for how we see, give, and receive love and what we want out of relationships later in our lives.

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Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D. , is a licensed clinical psychologist and co-owner of Bergen Counseling Center in Chicago.

"I do believe that how emotionally available our parents were influenced the type of attachment we formed with them," she explains. "Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and, in turn, how we are in relationships."

Ahead, Bergen explains how our childhood experiences with our parents provide a model for our adult relationships, what we can do to break a negative cycle, and how we can raise the next generation.

They Teach You How to Show Affection

"I am going to focus on how our romantic  relationships  are influenced by our childhood experiences," says Bergen. "Our parents' relationship is our first and most influential example of how to interact and communicate in a romantic relationship. How love was shown between parents is influential on the child." That makes sense because, when you think about it, your parents are your only example of pretty much everything. When you're really young, you probably just accept the way that they do things to be right—even if it's not.

For instance, if your parents were not very affectionate and hardly ever hugged or kissed you, you may have an aversion to affection as an adult. "Children will model and emulate the ways their parents show love to one another. Plus, how love was expressed to the child is also significant," says Bergen.

On a slightly different note, Bergen suggests that the ways in which anger and conflict were managed in your family of origin also play a large factor in how we communicate with adult romantic partners. "Whether or not a person tends to express their emotions more openly or tends to skew toward  passive aggression , frequently parallels how their parents communicated with each other and with the child," she adds.

You Model Your Behavior Off Theirs

"Same-sex parents serve as models for our behavior, and opposite-sex parents are projected into potential partners. This also works in reverse, in the sense that we may search for the opposite of a father who was stoic and uninvolved," Bergen notes.

There is no difference in this dynamic between same-sex couples or cross-sex couples, emphasizing that it's more tied to whichever parent the individual identifies with most rather than their sexual orientation. A female could be more influenced by her father's behavior and mirror his actions in her own relationship instead of her mother's if she identified more with her father, regardless of her own sexual orientation.

Another example is a person may be hypervigilant to criticism and frequently argue with partners because their same-sex parent had difficulty advocating for themselves and became a "doormat" in the relationship. We tend to want to emulate our parent's relationship when it is perceived as healthy and positive.

Their Words Become the Voice in Your Head

Most psychologists would agree that any personal change starts with self-awareness. Bergen advises, "Start to identify where patterns of communication , thoughts, and feelings originate. Reflect on your childhood and try to remember the patterns you had in interacting with your parents."

Questions she suggests asking yourself include: Whose voice is that? Your adult voice of what you think and believe, or does it come from somewhere or someone else? "If your parents are still living, you can also start to notice how you interact with your parents now, and then see how those patterns may be playing out in your romantic relationships," she notes.

They Influence Your Attachment Style

"Groundbreaking research during the 1960s and 1970s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth assisted in our understanding of attachment theory," says Bergen. "Since their work, many psychological researchers have examined the different ways secure, and various forms of insecure attachments with our parents affect our attachment styles as adults." For instance, if parents showed love, responded to our needs, and validated our feelings, we were more likely to develop a secure attachment style. We then seek out and desire that same attachment style as an adult.

On the flip side, if we had an insecure attachment develop with our parents, we may have a fragmented sense of self. This may lead to low self-esteem, anxiety in relationships, doubt that we can trust others, and sometimes being more apt to seek out relationships that mimic this same attachment—not because it feels good but because it is familiar to us.

How to Break the Cycle

To create new patterns as an adult, Bergen offers four pieces of advice: reading, journaling, looking at your current relationship from a different perspective, and giving therapy a try. "Read books by psychological researcher and clinician John Gottman to learn about the different patterns that lead to  positive relationship  outcomes and those that lead to negative relationship outcomes." One key thing to remember is to learn about healthy ways to manage conflict and better ways to connect with your partner emotionally. No one likes fighting, but you may dread it less if you can argue more constructively.

Regarding journaling, Bergen advises, "Journal and increase your self-awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in your relationship. Compare what you are noticing with the ways your parents interacted with you and interacted with each other." If you notice that something was missing in your relationship with your parents, reflect on whether or not you are seeking to find it in your current relationship.

Third, "Work on trying out new ways of being in your current relationship. Gottman outlines specific behaviors you can work on in your relationships, such as asking more in-depth questions, turning toward your partner when they make attempts to connect with you, and expressing yourself assertively when you feel hurt," Bergen says. After all, trying new things is never a bad idea—especially if you've been together for a while.

Last but not least, "If you continue to find it difficult to break these patterns, therapy may be necessary," she adds. A trained therapist can help you identify these patterns and explore the roadblocks to implementing new, positive ones.

Keizer R, Helmerhorst KOW, van Rijn-van Gelderen L. Perceived Quality of the Mother-Adolescent and Father-Adolescent Attachment Relationship and Adolescents' Self-Esteem .  J Youth Adolesc . 2019;48(6):1203-1217. doi:10.1007/s10964-019-01007-0

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4 Ways to Support Partnerships With Families

An expert in special education shares strategies for building strong and enduring relationships with students’ families that every teacher can use.

The ways in which U.S. education agencies and personnel work and engage with families are constantly evolving, in both concept and practice. Increasingly, those relationships are shifting to a partnership model, in which families and professionals collaborate throughout the course of a child’s education.

There has always been an expectation that family engagement in education is primarily coordinated by the educational leadership in state agencies, districts, schools, and classrooms, causing teachers and administrators at every level to ask, “How do we do this?” In 2011, I worked as the primary writer for WestEd, a research, development, and service agency, to assist the California Department of Education on the initial publication of the Family Engagement Framework: A Tool for California School Districts. The general education community was moving from “parental involvement,” which at the time seemed to describe and promote primarily one-way communication (from educators to families) and supportive volunteering (parents in classrooms and on school sites), to terms and practices intended to broaden interactions to include intentional information exchange, purposeful interaction, and meaningful participation—remember Beyond the Bake Sale: The Essential Guide to Family-School Partnerships ? 

For those of us associated with special education, this approach was and is nothing new. So, the answer to “How do we do this?” is one we can help provide. After all, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) requires parental involvement at every level of implementation—from consent and participation in planning for an individual child through parent representation on local- and state-level advisory groups that provide input to lead agencies on fiscal and policy matters and system improvement. IDEA even requires and provides funding for parent centers, operated by parent organizations with a majority of board members who are parents of children with disabilities, to provide training and information to families and assist with dispute resolution. 

Navigating the complex landscape of family–professional partnerships in education is crucial. As the parent of an individual with disabilities and as a special education professional, I recommend four actions to support parents and professionals in working together effectively. 

What Educators and Parents Can Do

1. Intentionally prepare for partnership. First, know that no one has been intentionally and adequately prepared for these kinds of partnerships. Teacher, service provider, and administrator preparation programs may provide information about involvement requirements and resources under initiatives like the IDEA and Every Student Succeeds Act (ESSA), but rarely will a pre-service program offer practice or experience in family–professional engagement. Likewise, most families don’t anticipate or have the knowledge and skills needed to engage in the active educational activities of their children, unless they are themselves educators.

New partners, both parents and educators, can access these useful resources for tools and inspiration:

• “Leading by Convening” provides both a framework for state, district, and school leaders engaging stakeholders, broadly, and training modules and tools for implementing engagement activities. This resource is available on the resource library of the National Center for Systemic Improvement (NCSI) site. (Enter “leading” in the keyword search bar.)
• Serving on Groups offers a guidebook and training modules for parents who want to engage.

2. Embrace mutual competence. Essentially, this means that the knowledge and experience of all partners are recognized and valued equally. While professionals hold subject matter expertise and mastery of educational systems and processes, families bring child- and community-specific expertise and have experienced the real-life impacts of educational systems and processes. 

The mutual competence ideal is illustrated nicely in the below two resources developed by the NCSI, both of which acknowledge the wisdom and values of both families and professionals when weighing research and other evidence related to important decisions.

• “ Three Circles of Evidence-Based Decision Making in Early Childhood ” presents information using terminology that is more familiar to pre-K and early elementary school parents and professionals. 
• “Three Circles of Evidence-Based Decision Making to Support Students with Disabilities” presents information using terminology that is more familiar to parents of and professionals working with K–12 students. This is available in the NCSI resource library (linked in the “Leading by Convening” section above this section) by entering “3 circles” into the keyword search bar.

3. Assume good intention. Adapting this concept from a much-respected parent-professional mentor, Victor Bernstein , I urge potential partners to recognize the following:

• Both families and professionals want what they believe is best for the children.
• Both families and professionals can see what works and what doesn’t... usually on their own... but almost always with support.
• Given the opportunity to really see (i.e., to realize–“real eyes”), both families and professionals will choose what is best.

4. Mindfully transition partnership and responsibility to the next generation. The family will continue to be a significant influence for years to come, because our children matter to us . Although family engagement in education tends to trend downward in middle school and high school years, the family–professional partnership at this stage may serve as a launching point for middle-school- and high school-aged youth to navigate the later years of their educational careers independently. 

When youth observe family members, teachers, and administrators engaged in respectful, supportive partnerships on their behalf, they begin to learn the communication and collaboration skills for building trust, promoting understanding, and working together to identify and address challenges. These groups can mindfully act in the following ways.

• Education professionals can recognize and respect the family’s role and struggles and support them as they cede responsibility to their maturing child.
• Families can support mutual understanding and shared decision-making between education professionals and youth, filling in information gaps that naturally exist for each. Professionals are getting to know evolving youth; youth are increasing their participation in unfamiliar systems and processes. 
• Families and professionals together can support young adults to navigate their emerging independence by staying engaged, maintaining communication, and serving as neutral but supportive guides.

Raising and educating children and youth are challenging and rewarding undertakings. Families and professionals both experience hurdles and contribute significantly. Finding and collaborating with partners along the way is essential, as children thrive when the adults in their lives can genuinely work together.

What are the strategies you've found effective in building strong family-professional partnerships? Share your experiences in the comments.

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How our parents’ marriage affects our relationships and shapes us.

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Our parents are the first teachers we have, and we can count on them to teach us everything — from how to eat with a spoon to how to behave in public. These may be some of the more obvious lessons we learn from our parents . But from the time we’re old enough to observe adults, they are teaching us another important lesson — how relationships should be.

Given that our parents’ marriage provides a blueprint for what we can expect from relationships , it can affect us well into adulthood. Here, learn how our parents affect our relationships and how their marriage influences our mental well-being .

How our parents affect our relationships in adulthood

While we may not realize it, even as young children, we absorb the behavior and interactions of people around us, especially our parents , since we tend to spend the most time with them. From our parents, we learn what a marriage should look like and what qualities we should seek in a partner. Our parents’ relationship can also give us an idea about what marriage means. 

It is no surprise, then, that problems in our parents’ relationships can lessen the quality of our own relationships during adulthood, according to research. A study in the Journal of Adult Development found that young adults whose parents had a great deal of conflict, but did not divorce, experienced their share of problems. 

Study results showed the following:

• When there was more conflict in their parents’ marriage, children were less committed to and less satisfied with their romantic relationships during young adulthood. 
• Witnessing a high level of conflict between parents can also lead to negative views toward marriage. The study indicated that adult children of parents who had conflictual marriages were more likely to favor divorce. 

These findings suggest that when our parents are constantly involved in a conflict, we come to view marriage negatively. We become more supportive of divorce and less likely to commit to a relationship.  

How your parents’ relationship affects your love life as an adult 

As the research above suggests, our parents’ marriage can lead us to struggle in our own adult relationships if their marriage is conflicted . Not only does conflict between our parents lead us to be more supportive of divorce and less committed to relationships. It can also lead to poor communication in our adult relationships and insecure attachment styles .

Insecure attachment can make it difficult to have a satisfying love life as an adult , according to researchers writing for the journal Personality and Individual Differences. This is because this type of attachment means that you may be distrustful of partners and fearful of abandonment instead of being able to form secure, intimate bonds.

If your parents often argued and had heated conflicts, your love life may also be rather conflicted. Based on what you learned from your parents, you are more likely to have difficulty trusting and communicating in romantic relationships.

How do parents shape our identity ?

Given that our parents’ marriage can influence our attitudes and function in adult romantic relationships, their marriage can also influence our identity as adults. One important area of identity shaped by our parents’ marriage is our values . 

A study found that parents’ marriage quality influenced children’s values in the following ways: 

• When parents’ marital quality was high, adult children were less likely to accept the ideas of premarital sex or divorce as being options. 
• When parents have a happy marriage, their children may view them as acceptable models. Therefore, they are more likely to endorse the idea of marrying and conforming to traditional family values. 
• On the other hand, if the parents’ marriage quality is low, adult children may learn that marriage is not something to be valued. Consequently, they are more likely to accept alternatives like divorce and premarital cohabitation as being options. 

The impact of our parents’ marriage on mental well-being 

Beyond shaping our values, the marriage between our parents can influence our mental well-being. Research suggests that when there is a high amount of conflict between parents, children are more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety .

A report in a 2020 publication of Cogent Psychology confirmed this finding. In the report, researchers reviewed the results of 23 different studies and found the following to be true:

• When parents’ marriage quality is high, children show higher levels of psychological well-being. 
• On the other hand, when parental marital quality is lower, children are less likely to demonstrate high psychological well-being. 
• In the 23 studies that researchers assessed, psychological well-being was defined as happiness , high self-esteem , optimism, and positive affect . And high marriage quality includes marital satisfaction, warmth, and positivity between spouses. 
• On the other hand, low marriage quality was characterized by conflict, hostility, and fighting. 

So, healthy marriages characterized by positive emotions are beneficial for children’s self-esteem and happiness. Conversely, marriages high in conflict and hostility can damage psychological well-being. In fact, the unhappiness in a low-quality marriage can be passed on to the children. 

Putting it all together: How we’re shaped by our parents’ relationship and what we can do to cope with the challenges

As research on marriage, family, and relationships has shown, our parents’ marriage shapes us well into adulthood. 

When we observe our parents, we pick up on their emotions and interaction patterns and accept them as normal. If we observe parents in a high-conflict marriage , we can experience the following beliefs:

• That marriages are, by nature, hostile
• That conflict resolution requires heated arguments and name-calling
• That marriage is negative 

We can also experience these challenges as adults:

• Being unable to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner  
• Struggling to form close bonds or secure attachments in romantic relationships because of the fear of being hurt

On the other hand, if our parents’ marriage is warm and loving, we believe that marriage is a positive and largely beneficial type of union. Warmth and positive interactions between our parents also help us carry a sense of trust into our romantic partnerships, increase our self-esteem , and pave the way for healthy and satisfying adult relationships . 

While our parents’ marriage can shape us, we can develop new habits and learn to manage emotions in a healthy way , even if our parents’ marriage was rife with conflict. 

If you’re struggling with low self-esteem , depression , anxiety , or your own relationship issues , therapy can provide a safe space for you to process these concerns. This will allow you to overcome childhood trauma and pain that may be contributing to problems in adulthood. Online therapy is an option worth considering, offering the convenience of accessing relationship therapy or individual counseling from your own home, making it more accessible to work through these concerns.

Closing thoughts

Your parents may have taught you what their relationship looked like. But you do not have to repeat their habits , especially if they were not healthy.  If you’re juggling the demands of a busy lifestyle, online therapy on Calmerry can provide a safe space for you to receive help from a therapist — at times and locations convenient for you.

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Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Parents

From the time I graduated from college up until age 25, my relationship with my parents was tumultuous at best. Where I was comfortable getting vulnerable, my parents seemed set in their ways, which made for a tricky barrier in our relationship. We were both terrible at communicating, and my attempts only made them feel like I was trying to reprimand or parent them.

These miscommunications would induce bouts of not talking, followed by a brief period of trepidation during which we hesitatingly tried to get along, only to be punctuated by another blow-out misunderstanding.

At its worst, it was an unstoppable cycle; at best, it was the relationship in my life I most wanted to change. I was content in so many areas in my life and yet, since my relationship with my family caused me the most grief and anxiety, I knew I wanted to both repair and strengthen it. So, a few months before I turned 25, I decided to move back in with my parents , into my childhood bedroom. I thought by moving home – spending more time together, learning more about them, and in turn, starting anew – we could fix things between us and end up with a stronger connection in the long run.

Wanting to repair and refine the relationship that most defines us, the one we have with our parents, is a common desire for those of us in our 20s and 30s. Now that we’re a bit older, we finally understand the everlasting effects our relationship with the ‘rents have on us. And we might even understand their viewpoints on things more than ever, now that we’re a smidgen more mature.

Now that we’re adults, it’s time to get to know our parents better. Here are some ideas for strengthening that relationship.

Cook together (when you see them)

You might not realize how important teamwork is in cooking until you find yourself face-to-face with your mom, a shared counter space, and a few serrated knives. Even if you don’t live at home, or if you only see your family on special occasions or during the holidays, cooking can be a wonderful bonding experience and moment of respite for you and your parents.

Bonding during dinner prep provides opportunities to talk, get vulnerable, and problem solve. When you’re both preparing a meal, you have a common goal forcing you to work together. After all, no one wants the meal to turn out poorly.

Write them a letter

Writing a letter can be a helpful exercise, even if you decide not to send it, especially if there are some unsaid things between you and your parents or if  you unresolved hurts or issues from your childhood.

Write your parents a letter. Tell them you love them, that you’re grateful for them, that you forgive them, that you want your relationship with them to improve. When it’s all written out, you can decide what to do with the letter. Even if you don’t give it to your parents, exorcising all of those feelings you have toward them will undoubtedly strengthen your relationship.

Watch a show together (even if you’re far apart)

You don’t need to be sitting on the same couch to indulge in a binge-watching session. One of the activities that most strengthened my relationship with my parents was bonding over TV shows that we both love.

Whether it’s “Dancing With the Stars,” reruns of “Monk,” or nightly “Wheel of Fortune,” commit to watching a show every week and then calling your parents during the commercial breaks, texting while you watch, or talking to each other on the phone after it’s over.

My mom and I have had so many meaningful conversations motivated by our simultaneous binge-watching of “Lost,” and it’s an activity I’m super grateful for. (Plus, it makes gift-giving a little easier when you have a good idea of what they like. Totally got my mom “Walking Dead” socks this past Christmas.)

Go to therapy

One of the keys to strengthening your relationship with your parents is understanding that relationship. How do you feel about them? What do you appreciate about your childhood? What would you have changed?

Go to therapy alone with the intentions of delving deep into your relationship with your parents, or attend therapy together to solidify your connection now that you’re an adult and not a child. Therapy may illuminate some integral moments from your past that help you better understand your parents and the relationship you have with them.

Speak your parents’ love language

By now, you’ve likely heard of the five love languages : words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. What’s your love language? And what are your parents’ respective love languages?

Once you recognize the things or gestures that make your parents feel most loved, cherished, and appreciated, you can go out of your way to make sure you do more of them. If your parents thrive on words of affirmation, call them once a week and tell them you love them. If quality time is their thing, make time as often as possible to do an activity together. Or if physical touch is their language, always make sure to hug them before you leave.

Originally published on March 9, 2018.

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Healing From Parentification As A First-Gen Latina

Recovering from parentification hasn’t been easy. but it saved me.

"Parentification is 'the experience of a child being given responsibilities that are beyond their developmental level.'"

"Being a child of immigrant parents feels like being part of a club I never signed up for. I feel an unspoken kinship to other children of immigrants due to our shared experiences of aiding our parents as they navigate the culture and customs of a new country."

"I felt a lot was riding on my completing certain tasks successfully. If I misinterpreted reading a bill, it could result in my parents paying a financial penalty we couldn’t afford. Not properly preparing my mom for her citizenship test could result in her not staying in the country. The stakes felt high."

"I over-empathize with people to the point that I neglect my own feelings. But my empathy has also allowed me to be an active listener, be fully present with people, and cultivate curiosity rather than judgment. For every negative, there has been a positive way parentification has manifested in my adulthood. Both can be true at the same time." 

"To let go of that anger, I had to forgive my parents. And to forgive, I needed to dive deeply into my empathy for them as whole humans and not just as my parents."

"Seeing the disappointment in her eyes never gets easy, but if I truly love myself, I can no longer betray myself for the sake of others. It's part of having self-compassion for myself."

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At the heart of this cozy coffee shop lies a big sister's love for her little brother

Yuki Noguchi

Sibling Coffee Roasters owner Libby Powell poses with her brother, Benjamin Withem, outside her West Virginia coffee shop. In her hand is an early photo of the pair — one they are trying to re-create. Susana Raab/for NPR hide caption

Sibling Coffee Roasters owner Libby Powell poses with her brother, Benjamin Withem, outside her West Virginia coffee shop. In her hand is an early photo of the pair — one they are trying to re-create.

The Science of Siblings is a new series exploring the ways our siblings can influence us, from our money and our mental health all the way down to our very molecules. We'll be sharing these stories over the next several weeks.

There's a coffee shop in the historic center of Charles Town, W.Va., where Libby Powell's family memorabilia hang from the exposed brick walls.

On one shelf, there's a photo of Libby posing with her towheaded baby brother. A jar of oatmeal-and-butterscotch cookies called Salty Siblings perches by the cash register. An elegant copper roaster parked in the shop's front bay window churns out the store's custom blends, including a popular one with Ethiopian beans named after that baby brother: The Benjamin.

Powell named this place Sibling Coffee Roasters — and it stands as a testament to one of her most cherished relationships.

Powell was already 14 and in high school when her brother, Benjamin Withem, was born 34 years ago. By that time she'd already thought a lot about the significance of having a sibling in her life. She knew, through intuition and experience, what the scientific research now shows: That this connection can deeply affect our mental and physical health over the course of our lives , for good or for ill.

Libby Powell was 14 years old and a high school student when her brother, Benjamin, was born. Susan Raab for NPR hide caption

"We have a human need to bond," she says. "Your friends are going to come and go. But when it's family, if your sibling is your friend, they're going to be there forever."

About 80% of children in the United States grow up with a sibling. It's a relationship that usually comes with shared experiences of family and childhood — and maybe also shared bedrooms and rivalries. Research about siblings' influence on our development and psychology is a relatively new field . But scientific studies show those relationships shape us in myriad ways, seen and unseen. And the impact of those relationships — good or bad — endures well beyond childhood, into middle age and beyond.

Special Series

The science of siblings.

In adolescence, siblings are very influential when it comes to risk-taking behaviors that can include things like sex or substance abuse . Even in middle age, being on good terms with our siblings continues to strongly correlate with our mental and physical well-being, especially during life transitions like a divorce or caring for ailing parents. Late in life, siblings can help support one another to maintain their health and companionship, and recounting shared memories can be a powerful antidote to loneliness .

"Siblings matter. They matter above and beyond our parents. They matter above and beyond our peers," says Shawn Whiteman, who studies human development at Utah State University.

A sibling worth waiting for

On this bustling Saturday morning, Powell picks up a bag of The Benjamin off the shelves by the cash register and reads its label: "Sibling's brotherly love blend." It is mild, in keeping with her brother's personality, with a blueberry-like flavor. "I definitely wanted that to encompass what his taste for coffee is," she says.

Powell says she once experimented with a dark roast she called "The Sibling Rivalry," but it didn't fit any part of her ethos.

"I hated it," she says. "And I don't like to fight with my brother, so I decided — we're not going to carry a dark roast."

As a girl, Powell — a Baptist preacher's daughter — yearned to have a brother or sister, and her parents, Mike and Naysa Withem, tried to have more children.

Sibling Coffee Roasters features a variety of house-made baked goods including a "Salty Sibling" cookie. Susana Raab for NPR hide caption

When Libby Powell was about 2, they started taking in foster children. Those experiences were inevitably marked by disappointment, because for one reason or another they could not stay, says Naysa Withem.

The last foster child, an older boy named James, stayed for seven years, and Powell grew up thinking of him as her actual big brother, complete with all the skirmishes and antics that come with traditional siblings.

"I remember the arguments, and getting into trouble with him, and doing things with him that were sneaky," Powell says.

But when he was 16, her foster brother chose to leave the family, a decision that left a 10-year-old Powell devastated: "I was alone. It was like all eyes were back on me, and I didn't know what that felt like because I don't think I remember being an only child." His absence, and the sense of isolation, fed her desire for siblings.

Her parents, meanwhile, were trying to have another child. "I remember my mom had gotten pregnant and I was so excited," Powell recalls. "I remember that feeling and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a big sister.'"

It was not to be: Powell was with her mother when she miscarried. "That was traumatic," says Naysa Withem.

Powell and her mother, Naysa Withem, load a display case with baked goods. Pierre Kattar/NPR hide caption

So when Baby Benjamin arrived two years later, his sister was waiting with open arms.

"I just remember just thinking: 'This is the prettiest baby I've ever seen in my life,'" she says, her voice rising with emotion. Her brother shuffles from around the counter in the shop's back kitchen and pulls her in for a tight hug.

Awash with gratitude that he was born alive and healthy, Powell says she doted on her brother like a doll, lathering him with lotions and changing his diapers and clothes.

Around the time Benjamin Withem was potty trained, Powell headed to college. Even though the time they overlapped in the same house was limited, her brother says he had developed a close connection with her that endured: "It's nice to always be reminded that you have these shared experiences that are constantly pulling you back together."

Sibling Coffee Roasters is a family affair; brother Benjamin Withem will stop by to indulge in a cold brew and chat with mother Naysa Withem, father Michael Withem, and sister and owner Libby Powell. Here, they pose in front of a quilt Naysa made for the shop. Susana Raab for NPR hide caption

An evolving relationship

The study of sibling relationships and their influence on how we think or act hasn't been as studied as other family relationships — like those between mothers and children, for example. Researching siblings also isn't easy, because no two families are alike. Variations like gender, age gap, or the number of siblings can really matter, making comparisons between families difficult and conclusions harder to draw.

One classic example where that can get complicated is birth order — something popularly believed to have a great deal of influence on our personalities. While some earlier studies suggested it might have some impact, most research doesn't bear out the idea that birth order has any lasting significance on who we become, says Utah State's Whiteman.

Still, siblings are overall very influential because they're usually our first peers. We might idolize them or battle them, but either way, through them we learn how to relate to others.

"Peers, if you have too many conflicts with them, they are just not going to be your friend anymore, but siblings really can't get away from it," says Nicole Campione-Barr, a psychologist who researches family dynamics at the University of Missouri. "So it's really one of our only training grounds socially to understand how to handle conflict in effective ways."

Powell says hello to her brother, Benjamin Withem, at her coffee shop. Susana Raab for NPR hide caption

Powell says hello to her brother, Benjamin Withem, at her coffee shop.

Libby Powell, for example, recalls how her brother used her as a sounding board — especially in his teen years, and especially after he'd made a mistake.

"If he was going to be in trouble or if he made a bad decision, he came to me first — and he was feeling out what my reaction would be," she says.

"I think he was testing the waters," she says, before having to tell their parents.

Naysa Withem, who's been watching her two children reminisce as she cleans the shop's kitchen, chimes in with a correction: "He was hoping you would cushion that with mom and dad," she says with a laugh.

The dynamics between siblings often change in young adulthood, as they explore independent paths. That was true also for Ben Withem who, after college, took a cybersecurity job in the Middle East — a world away from his sister in Charles Town.

Have a story about your sibling? Share it with us!

"That was definitely the most distance we've experienced," he says. And being that far was "almost like hitting the reset button" on their relationship, he says.

Powell found that "reset" difficult and says she felt angry. "I felt those same feelings when James left — when my foster brother left," she explains. At the same time, her brother had recently married, which meant Powell had to adjust to make room for another important person in his life. "That was hard for me because I'm sharing my little brother, who I thought that I had a little control over."

Libby Powell says that she and her brother were always close and have hardly ever fought. Susana Raab for NPR hide caption

It was the only time they remember any tension existing between them. They had one fight, which culminated with Powell accepting her brother as an adult peer.

"He was taking a stand as an adult for the first time ... and I was put exactly where I needed to be put," Powell recalls, nodding approvingly toward her brother. Benjamin Withem, the more introverted sibling, agrees silently, deferring to her memory.

Through their adult lives, coffee played a big role in keeping them connected. Withem loved good coffee, and Powell says she relied on bad coffee for decades to get her through working overnight shifts as a nurse. He tried roasting beans in his popcorn popper; she eventually began following her younger brother's lead and upgraded to their current, kitchen-table-size industrial roaster.

Powell discovered she loved the taste of her own freshly roasted beans, as well as the coffee culture and social life that surrounded it.

Powell roasts her own coffee beans at her shop in West Virginia. Pierre Kattar/NPR hide caption

"I just found that coffee — the way that he would describe it — it wasn't just a drink, but it was a relationship," she says.

When she opened Sibling Coffee Roasters five years ago, Powell saw it as a kind of extension of that relationship, a chance to share the warmth and support she associates with siblinghood. She says the shop connects her to the community she's lived in her whole life, and it gives her an excuse to talk to people about their lives and their troubles.

"I always wanted to feel cared for, and I always have felt that way," she says, "and I know that there's just way too many people out there that don't."

Powell says the coffee shop is a kind of extension of her relationship with her brother, a chance to share the warmth and support she associates with siblinghood. Susana Raab for NPR hide caption

Powell says the coffee shop is a kind of extension of her relationship with her brother, a chance to share the warmth and support she associates with siblinghood.

Sibling Coffee Roasters also reflects the dream that Benjamin Withem will eventually open up another shop as they grow old together.

It's a sentiment he shares, he says. "I see the name she picked as the open invitation."

More from the Science of Siblings series:

• The order your siblings were born in may play a role in identity and sexuality
• In the womb, a brother's hormones can shape a sister's future
• These identical twins both grew up with autism, but took very different paths
• sibling relationships
• Science of Siblings
• family and relationships
• coffee culture
• healthy relationship
• broken relationships

11 Signs The Relationship With Your Parents Is Complicated

Posted: January 13, 2024 | Last updated: January 13, 2024

1. You Can’t Be Yourself.

2. You Want To See Them, But Also Don’t.

3. You Bite Your Tongue A Lot.

4. You Don’t Feel That Supported.

5. You Sometimes Feel Controlled.

6. Your Relationship’s Filled With Too Much Info.

7. Or, You Don’t Connect On Deeper Issues.

8. You Feel Like A Kid Around Your Parents.

9. Your Relationship Is Filled With Secrets.

10. You Don’t Express Love To Each Other.

11. You Feel Like They’re Needy.

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Acclaimed singer Renee Fleming probes the relationship of 'Music and Mind' in new book

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• Emiko Tamagawa

Famed soprano Renée Fleming wants people to better understand the link between music and health.

Musical activities can help nonverbal children speak, aid in recovery after a stroke, and improve the stride of people with Parkinson's, according to research. To spread the word, Fleming edited the new book " Music and Mind: Harnessing the Arts for Health and Wellness ," which features essays by researchers, music therapists and artists including Yo-Yo Ma, Ben Folds and Anna Deveare Smith.

The book’sroots run back to 2015, when Fleming helped launch a collaboration between the Kennedy Center and the National Institutes of Health to explore how the arts and health intersect.

When she first started at the Kennedy Center as an artistic advisor, Fleming attended a Washington, D.C. gathering attended by Supreme Court Justices Anthony Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsberg, as well as former NIH Director Francis Collins.

Despite some high tensions after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage, Fleming and Collins brought the room together with song.

“Music has historically created social cohesion between people. It happened that night,” Fleming says. “I said, ‘Francis, why are scientists studying music and the brain?’ And he said, ‘well, we're interested in it because we have a new brain institute. And the key is technology because this ability to look at the brain enables scientists to see the exact impact music is having.’”

Two years later, Fleming sat on a panel among scientists, music therapists and fellow artists with the Kennedy Center, the NIH and the National Endowment for the Arts. Her work with the organizations inspired her to share with the public what she learned about how the arts affect people.

4 questions with Renée Fleming

How did scanning your brain show the impact of music?

“My brain scan at the NIH was an fMRI scan, functional MRI, which measures blood oxygen in the brain. And it had me singing, speaking and imagining singing. And interestingly, imagining singing, It was by far the most powerful for me. It impacted many more parts of my brain than the other two activities, which was a big surprise to the scientists.

“But they finally said, ‘Well, listen, you're a singer, so it makes sense that that's second nature to you.’ So that was a wonderful experience. It's an opportunity for me to see firsthand how this research is done.

“Imagining singing can also help Parkinson's patients who are having difficulty walking. If they just imagine a rhythmic song in their head, like ‘When the Saints Go Marching In,” they'll be able to cross the street without stopping. It's a simple benefit, but it's very powerful.”

Music psychotherapist Stacie Yeldell writes about a boy who found relief from the pain of sickle cell anemia in the viral song “ The Fox .” What’s the relationship between pain and music?

“Pain is what is very much impacted by music. And in fact, there's a huge focus on research in terms of pain and Joke Bradt's chapter, which is all about that. They don't really know exactly what mechanism is occurring now with that, but they do know music reduces pain.

“I have a friend who actually had a brain bleed and the only thing that alleviated her excruciating pain at first was the loudest possible music she could play.  So, it's possible that that's what was interrupting his pain as well.”

How can music serve as a “bridge” to people with dementia, as music therapy pioneer Concetta Tomaino writes in the book?

“Music and memory are so completely linked. We remember events in our lives: If we hear just a snippet of a song, we're back at our wedding. We're back at any number of events.

“With people with Alzheimer's disease, it is the last memory to stay because this memory area, as it pertains to music, is the last area of the brain that's impacted by the disease. So [Tomaino has] been trying to kind of prolong the sustainability of memory attached to music memories.

“Somebody came up to me after the Kennedy Center Honors and said, ‘I just want to say I heard one of your presentations and my dad was really becoming difficult and becoming a little bit violent. And we remembered suddenly because of what you said, that he was an opera lover and we put on opera. And he calmed down and he smiled, and we've been playing it ever since. It's made a huge difference in his mood and state.’ And so it can alleviate life for caregivers as well.”

Have these insights changed the way you sing?

“It doesn't change the way I sing, but for instance, I now tell the audience that our brain waves are aligning as we are in this space together, having a shared musical experience. That's why they've now shown that singing in a choir is more impactful than singing alone.

“How this work has changed me is that I am living my life now, being mindful of the fact that I need these artistic experiences, things that I thought were extra. ‘If I have time, I'll go to a concert.’ I now prioritize them in my life and I see a huge difference in my state of mind, less anxiety. I’m much happier, so I'm like a living example of how this works.”

Emiko Tamagawa  produced and edited this interview for broadcast with  Todd Mundt .  Allison Hagan  adapted it for the web.

Book excerpt: 'The Parting Glass' from 'Music and Mind'

By Richard Powers, edited by Renée Fleming

It’s morning, and dozens of thrushes, wrens, and warblers are singing their hearts out in the trees beneath the window of my house in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. Spring in Appalachia, and you know how that piece goes. Some of the singers live here year‑round. Others are passing through on long journeys. I listen as the dawn chorus reaches its wild peak. No one is conducting. The music exhilarates me, and clearly the singers are thrilling one another. If you ask a scientist why birds sing, the answer will deal in courtship and territory. But if you asked the bird, and if you could understand its reply, it would probably be something like, “Because I have to, and it feels so good.”

I put on some music of my own, adding a descant to the morning mayhem. Here’s a miracle that I hope I’ll never get used to: I can stream just about any song ever recorded, any time I want, in every season, from any room in my house in the woods. I call up a fine old Scottish‑Irish song that always goes right through me: “The Parting Glass.” The song is at least four hundred years old, and no one is sure who wrote the music or the words. Traditional, as they say. And I have dozens of covers to choose from. I play one by three Canadian women singing a cappella, in crystalline harmony, as if they’re already a step or two beyond the grave.

The song partakes of an old Celtic tradition. When a guest rose to leave the party and climbed up in the stirrups of his horse, he’d be given a stirrup cup or parting glass, one more drink to fortify him for the night’s trip back home. The song is in the voice of a guest taking such a leave:

So fill to me the parting glass And drink a health whate’er befall, And gently rise and softly call Good night and joy be to you all.

Words fill my house and spill out into the woods. It’s just a folk song— plaintive, playful, a little melancholy. The tune traces out the basic moves of tonal expectation, traveling from home and back again with open grace. The harmonies are steadfast and simple, with no great surprises. The lyrics, however, are a little cheeky, a nice mix of sass, stoicism, and self‑effacement, even though it’s easy to hear that this singer is setting out on a journey somewhat longer than a night’s ride:

Of all the money that e’er I spent, I spent it in good company. And all the harm that e’er I’ve done, Alas it was to none but me. And all I’ve done for want of wit To mem’ry now I can’t recall. So fill to me the parting glass: Good night and joy be with you all!

A summing up, then, with the singers taking stock before a last depar‑ ture. The words could be about nothing at all—they might be in a foreign language, and I would still hear the farewell. It’s there in the suspended harmonies, in the way the chords waver between major and minor. I’m off now, out of here: drink to me, drink to my disappearance. The Celts have always been good at emigration and goodbyes.

For reasons that science may never quite put its finger on, I get chills and my eyes start to water. It happens to me with music, far more than with any other art. Music has a startling ability to make a listener sad over noth‑ ing, simply by unfolding chords in a certain order and weaving them through with a tuneful filigree. It’s not clear what the adaptive advantage of this might be, but the right pitches in the right rhythm can overwhelm us with sorrow. And we love every minute of that harmonious grief.

I’m reassured by a quick online search that reveals at least twenty health benefits of crying. The sheer abundance of weeping’s benefits makes me laugh and laughing brings at least ten benefits more. I don’t know why I chose this song—an evening’s last farewell—to add to the birds’ exuberant morning chorus. I don’t understand why I would willingly choose sadness. But it feels so good. It’s a bracing dive into a cold spring, a glimpse of mid‑ night just before breakfast.

Countless clinical studies have now tied the secret of health to moving. There is also great health in being moved, something that produces similar physiology. Think about the old meanings buried in the etymology of “emotion.” To move and to feel are complements, and the emotion that a tune triggers is a tune‑up in how to move more deeply through the wider world. Music makes us go somewhere. It propels us into new states, new vantages, new emotional affordances. If you ask a scientist why music is healthy, the answer will come in units of cortisol and heart rate and blood‑ oxygen levels. But if you ask this listener, I’d say that music is an off‑line cognitive therapy. By making us sad in the absence of real tragedy, it leaves us more adept in sadness when life calls for the real thing.

Being moved by a song holds the key to mental health. Music says: “Here’s what happens to us. We and those around us move like chords unfolding in time, throwing off fantastic sparks and harmonies. And then the chords end. Here’s how to feel sad about that. And how to hear how that sadness, too, will pass.”

I suspect that none of the dozen species of birds singing outside my window know that one day their song will stop. But every human does. We carry the knowledge of our own death with us all life long. Awareness of mortality is the first and hardest challenge to our sanity. In my life, the best consolation for my approaching death has always been to sing it and to hear it being sung. I think that’s why the world’s great sacred ways of coping with death are so often built around music. So many times in this life I’ve heard friends say, “I love this piece. Play this at my funeral.” Music can train us in goodbyes. In giving us a little taste of our own finitude, it lets us, for a moment, feel the infinite.

“The Parting Glass” lasts only two and a half minutes. Soon enough, it reaches its final stanza. But in those one hundred and fifty seconds, the song lights up my brain in several ways. First, there is the sheer glory of the sound: three clear voices tuned tightly to each other. Then there is the stepwise tune and its dramatic pauses, its phrases always taking their leave, always coming home. Those simple syncopations lay out the plainest two‑step dance, reminding me of all the dancing I won’t be doing when I no longer have a body. A good song—a great movement—is a way of saying, Dance now, if only in your mind, for there is no dancing where you’re going. Finally, there is music’s uniquely vertical trick, stacking up companion lines in step with the one that my ear keys to. The tune contains its own accompani‑ ment, and all the regions of my brain fire in harmony. It reminds me of what good company I’ve spent my life in.

Of all the comrades that e’er I’ve had Are sorry for my going away. And all the sweethearts that e’er I’ve had They’ d wish me one more day to stay. But since it falls unto my lot That I should rise and you should not, I’ ll gently rise and softly call Good night and joy be with you all!

Of all music’s health benefits, teaching us how to be okay with our own disappearance may be the deepest. A good song lets me hear how the chords go on, far beyond the double bar. As another good song puts it:

Music, music for a while Will all our cares beguile.

That it can do so with sadness is a pure delight.

“The Parting Glass” does what all good songs do: it ends. It gets up in the stirrups, takes a last deep drink, and is off. My Canadian singers spring a surprise minor final cadence, and the tune is done. The morning chorus starts to disperse. I land back on Earth, turn from the window, and get on with my full day’s work. For what it’s worth, I get a ton done.

As I fall asleep, the night is all melancholy owls and mournful whip‑ poor‑wills. Birdsong, too, knows the uses of sadness. At two a.m., when I briefly wake, there is nothing but dead silence. I’m fine with that. The song is ended, but the melody lingers on. Even in the long rests, I can hear how the morning chorus will begin again in the dark, just before sunrise, for whoever may or may not be there to listen.

From 'Music and Mind' edited by Renée Fleming, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2024 by Richard Powers.

This segment aired on April 9, 2024.

Robin Young Co-Host, Here & Now Robin Young brings more than 25 years of broadcast experience to her role as host of Here & Now.

Emiko Tamagawa Senior Producer, Here & Now Emiko Tamagawa produces arts and culture segments for Here & Now.

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Dear Abby: I’ve been dating a guy for 4 years, but he won’t let me meet his family or friends

• Published: Apr. 11, 2024, 3:06 a.m.

• Abigail Van Buren

DEAR ABBY: I met a man online and have been dating him off and on for the past four years. His parents have been living with him since the pandemic, and I have yet to be invited to his home or to meet them. He is from Bolivia and says his parents want him to marry a Catholic Bolivian girl -- and someone without children. I am divorced, American and the mother of two.

He tells me he’s afraid that if I meet them, our relationship will be over. He keeps saying they are moving back to Bolivia, but they are still here. I also have never met his friends. He says he never does anything with his friends, between his parents living with him and studying for his architectural exams. After all these years, I have yet to meet one of his friends. What should I do? -- OFF THE RADAR IN WISCONSIN

DEAR OFF THE RADAR: Recognize that this man may not have been entirely truthful with you about his circumstances. Bluntly put, he may be married, or he may not be who he has represented himself to be in other aspects of his life. Because your relationship hasn’t progressed after four years of dating (off and on), what you should do is MOVE ON.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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