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Eight keys to forgiveness, forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. robert enright explains where to start..

When another person hurts us, it can upend our lives.

Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust , or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied . Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our relationships suffer.

Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds. I would not have spent the last 30 years of my life studying forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.

Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from my new book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness . As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.

But it’s well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy . Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.

Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you recognize, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”

More on forgiveness.

Read and watch Fred Luskin explain "What is Forgiveness?"

Read three evolutionary truths about forgiveness and revenge .

Discover how to overcome barriers to forgiveness .

How forgiving are you? Take our quiz !

Try this forgiveness practice , based on Enright's work.

To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.

You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.

You can also make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It’s important to cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.

You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.

Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If you need inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by going to the International Forgiveness Institute website: www.internationalforgiveness.com.

3. Address your inner pain

It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.

To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.

There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.

You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.

4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.

You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.

Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

5. Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.

Even as one suffers, it’s possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.

To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.

Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.

6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.

First remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.

Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.

Try to develop courage and patience in yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.

If you are still finding it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may be necessary to start there.

7. Forgive yourself

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.

In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.

After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.

8. Develop a forgiving heart

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Some people may believe that love for another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.

About the Author

Robert Enright

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Notre Dame Philosophical Reviews

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The Ethics of Forgiveness: A Collection of Essays

Christel Fricke (ed.), The Ethics of Forgiveness: A Collection of Essays , Routledge, 2011, 212pp., $125.00 (hbk), ISBN 9780415885430.

Reviewed by Linda Radzik, Texas A&M University

Christel Fricke's rich collection of essays arose from a conference held in Oslo in 2008 on Charles L. Griswold's 2007 book Forgiveness . However, very little of the text is spent critiquing Griswold's work. Instead, Fricke's authors use Griswold's text as a map that points to areas worthy of further exploration. Like Griswold, most of these writers resist the temptation to develop simple, unified accounts of forgiveness and instead dedicate themselves to plotting the complexities of human interaction in the aftermath of wrongdoing. The examples the authors use along the way range from subtle, personal failings to large-scale atrocities. While most of the contributions are works in moral theory, the volume also represents other disciplinary approaches to issues of forgiveness, including literary criticism and linguistics. The result is a satisfyingly diverse range of perspectives on the nature, justification and limits of forgiveness.

Part I includes a pair of essays dedicated to the interpretation of particular, historical traditions of forgiveness. In "Forgiveness and Forbearance in Ancient China," Christoph Harbsmeier surveys the language of forgiveness in Chinese, arguing that, "for a Chinese person to forgive, is always to forgive 'in terms of' one of the concepts outlined" (21). Harbsmeier goes on to present twenty-nine different terms in ancient and modern Chinese related to "forgiveness." To me, their differences were not as remarkable as their similarity. All seemed to portray forgiveness as a matter of letting the wrongdoer off, in some way, from the possible consequences of wrongdoing. Shù , which Harbsmeier suggests as the best translation for 'forgiveness,' involves a general sort of empathetic forbearance.

So far, the virtue of shù will seem familiar enough to contemporary Westerners. But Harbsmeier emphasizes that it must be understood in a hierarchically structured culture, where, he tells us, "egalitarianism is not in any way envisaged or aspired to at any level, practical or psychological" (13). Shù is something one shows to people below oneself on the social scale. What one owes to people above oneself is, in contrast, zhong , "doing one's moral best" (22). When those above oneself commit wrongs, then, the question of forgiveness does not really arise. Instead the question for the underling is how to continue to do his duty to his superior in this new context. Harbsmeier's analysis helps explain, for example, why in China the question "whether they forgive or do not forgive Deng Xiaoping [for the Tiananmen Square massacre of 1989] has become purely academic (i.e., quite irrelevant)" (14).

Ilaria E. Ramelli's contribution on forgiveness in Christian thought argues that what is almost invariably labeled as "the Christian view" is historically inaccurate. It is commonplace for contemporary writers on the ethics of forgiveness to assert that Christianity requires its followers to forgive wrongs unconditionally , that is, to forgive whether or not their abusers have met any conditions, such as apologizing, repenting or making amends. Ramelli painstakingly reviews an impressive range of ancient sources to show that, throughout the early history of Christianity, forgiveness was always predicated on repentance. Her argument is so convincing that I was left wondering how it has come to be that most contemporary writers -- and, I would add, all my students who self-identify as Christians -- have come to see a commitment to unconditional forgiveness as central to Christianity.

Part II on "Forgiveness and Selfhood" begins with Fricke's contribution, "What We Cannot Do to Each Other: On Forgiveness and Moral Vulnerability." Fricke provides an admirable description of the normative terrain of forgiveness and specifically the interconnections between moral and social norms. Fricke anchors her discussion of forgiveness in a social, relational understanding of the nature and consequences of moral wrongdoing. Wrongdoing damages the trust that normally marks relations among victims, wrongdoers and their communities; forgiveness is one way of repairing that damage.

Fricke goes on to emphasize that, as complex selves, we relate to one another, not just as moral agents, but also as friends, partners and neighbors. This leads her to distinguish between personal forgiveness, in which personal relationships such as friendships are repaired, and moral forgiveness, in which victims come to once again see their abusers as having intrinsic moral value as human beings. She argues plausibly that one may morally forgive a wrongdoer without personally forgiving. I was less convinced by her claim that "personal forgiveness always implies moral forgiveness" because "any close personal relationship includes mutual respect of moral value or dignity" (63). Might not someone who does not value humanity as such (say, a mafia hitman) value his personal relationships (with other mafiosos)? This combination of attitudes may not be able to be held in a fully, rationally consistent way, but it seems psychologically possible. The last portion of the essay poses the question of whether wrongdoers can deserve forgiveness and victims can be morally required to forgive in either of the two senses of forgiveness; however, Fricke provides no clear answers to those questions.

The next pair of articles pursues Griswold's claim that forgiveness requires a narration of the past, one which will both acknowledge its wrongful character yet allow for the forgiver to overcome her negative attitudes toward the wrongdoer. Garry L. Hagberg and Peter Goldie each ask how this might work in cases of self-forgiveness. Both worry whether "in self-forgiveness there is not the possibility of a narrative accounting from an appropriate distanced perspective" (Goldie, 83-4). In "Self-Forgiveness and the Narrative Sense of Self," Goldie suggests that such distancing is enabled by the wrongdoer's ability to think about herself in a way that is "essentially ironic" and involves seeing one's past, wrongdoing self as, in a sense, another person (87):

This opens up the epistemic and evaluative ironic gap that is at the heart of the notion of narrative: an epistemic gap because one now knows what one did not know then; and an evaluative gap because one can now take an evaluative stance which differs from the stance that one took then (87).

Hagberg, in "Forgiveness and the Constitution of Selfhood," rejects this dyadic view of the self as phenomenologically inaccurate. Instead, he believes that self-forgiveness is enabled by "one identity seeing bi-focally, not two persons gazing from a distance upon each other" (75). Hagberg draws on literary concepts to explain his view, comparing self-forgiveness to the experience of reading fiction, wherein "we simultaneously identify with a character in fiction but also stand apart from that narratively-entwined persona" (75). For Hagberg, this narrative process is not performed by a later self that is independently distinguishable from the wrongdoing self, but is instead what constitutes the new, forgivable self. Both Goldie's and Hagberg's essays provide satisfyingly complex examples of processes of self-forgiveness. Goldie's essay is also notable for its discussion of the odd case of self-pardoning, in which one regards one's own action as involuntary on the grounds that the circumstances overstrained one's nature without actually undermining one's freedom.

Part III includes six essays that address the limits of forgiveness, that is, a variety of possible restrictions on the possibility or permissibility of forgiveness. For example, almost all theorists of forgiveness claim that forgiveness is not possible where there is no wrong. But in "Forgiveness Without Blame," Espen Gamlund defends the position that forgiveness can occur even when harm-causing is not blameworthy but rather excused or justified. Cases of agent-regret (such as the regret felt by an unlucky driver who faultlessly kills a child), disagreements over culpability between the harmed and the harm-causer, and moral dilemmas all present disruptions to peace of mind and social relations that can be solved by the sorts of interactions and changes in view that we associate with forgiveness and self-forgiveness. While critics may insist that forgiveness requires culpability by definition, Gamlund's discussion will lead many readers to find such a stipulation unsatisfying.

A major debate in the literature on forgiveness is whether forgiveness is "conditional," meaning that forgiveness is only appropriate in cases where the wrongdoer has met some sort of requirement, such as repentance or moral improvement. Jerome Neu's essay, "On Loving Our Enemies," defends the conditional view. Drawing on work by Jeffrie Murphy, Neu argues that resentment is a morally appropriate reaction to being victimized that can be set aside only for a moral reason. Also working within a conditional framework, Arne Johan Vetlesen asks whether there are cases where no moral reason could justify forgiveness and where forgiveness is, therefore, wrong. In this rather unwieldy essay, Vetlesen emphasizes the relevance of the characteristics of the wrongful acts themselves, rather than the characteristics of the agents who perform the acts, claiming that "some acts are worse, morally speaking, than any individual agent" (161).

Eve Garrard and David McNaughton, in contrast to Neu and Vetlesen, defend the position that forgiveness is unconditional by addressing objections posed by Griswold and others. The authors argue that some critics of unconditional forgiveness conflate two senses in which forgiveness can be unconditional: "(1) forgiving no matter what condition the wrongdoer is in; and (2) forgiving no matter what the reason for doing so is" (102). While defending the view that "there is sufficient reason to forgive a wrongdoer whatever his state of mind" (97), Garrard and McNaughton go on to identify reasons for extending such unmerited forgiveness. While the points made in favor of unconditional forgiveness are perhaps not novel, the skill with which the issues are explained and defended makes this essay a good candidate for course syllabuses on forgiveness.

Geoffrey Scarre strays slightly from the theme of forgiveness to look at issues of apology. In "Apologising for Historic Injustices," Scarre dives into the controversy surrounding Australia's official apology to the "Stolen Generations," which addressed the century-long practice of removing aboriginal children from their parents' care, a practice that ended only in the late 1960s or early 1970s. In 2008, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd delivered an official apology for this history, which was met with general approval from both the aboriginal and settler populations. Scarre argues that the apology was not appropriate because the people doing the apologizing did not have "ownership" of the wrongful deeds. While he defends the legitimacy of "insider-regret," a particular form of negative reactive attitude towards one's group's historical injustices, Scarre denies that this attitude can ground the practice of apology. Debates about the nature of collective responsibility are well established in the literature and are not much advanced by the arguments to be found here. However, Scarre's essay does provide opportunity for reflection on the nature and functions of apology. Scarre's clear and straightforward account of when an apology can be given and what functions it can perform is quite narrow and so leaves the reader reflecting on what a broader concept of apology might look like.

Finally, literary scholar Jakob Lothe provides a reading of W. G. Sebald's novel Austerlitz . Sebald was a writer who was born in Germany in 1944 but who lived most of his adult life in England. His fiction and non-fiction writings have become important to current discussions of how German identity has been shaped by the memory of World War II and the Holocaust. The narrator of the novel, who, like Sebald, is a German exile of the immediate postwar generation, develops an unusual friendship with a Jewish man who survived the Holocaust as a child and is now attempting to recover the story of his parents' lives and deaths in the camps. Lothe argues that Sebald's narrative techniques reveal that the main theme of the novel is forgiveness. This claim remains puzzling for much of the essay, but by the end it becomes clear that Lothe's theme is not 'what is involved in granting forgiveness,' but instead 'what it is like to feel the need to be forgiven for the injustices of previous generations.' As such, the essay is fruitfully paired with Scarre's contribution.

Griswold, C. L., Forgiveness: A Philosophical Exploration , Cambridge University Press, (2007).

Murphy, J. G. and J. Hampton (eds.), Forgiveness and Mercy , Cambridge University Pres, (1988).

Murphy, J. G., Getting Even , Oxford University Press, (2003).

Why is Forgiveness Important?

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This Article Contains

How can forgiveness free us from anger, the relationship between forgiveness and healing, self-forgiveness and the value of forgiving yourself, why forgiving others is the best thing you can do for yourself, forgiveness and compassion, gratitude and forgiveness, a take-home message.

Negative life events, if significant enough, can get encoded in memory and often cause us to have physical reactions to remembering the painful experience. From the perspective of psychological research holding a grudge is considered an “imagined emotional response” (Witvliet, Ludwig, & Laan, 2001).

This would suggest that one must fuel the negative emotions in order to sustain them over a long period of time. For example, vengeful thoughts that embellish and describe the event with contempt only intensify the emotional imagery and physiological experience.

There is research, however, that shows the desire for revenge to be in some instances stronger than empathic motivation, especially in men. Participants in a Singer and Lamm’s study did not respond with empathy toward a person that was suffering, especially when they felt the person deserved punishment (2009).

One moment of anger can wipe out a lifetime of merit.

Interventions such as perspective-taking that result in empathetic compassion can help one in overcoming anger and resentment.

This cultivation of empathy involves connecting to the common humanity between oneself and the offender as well as trying to see the situation from the other person’s perspective and attempting to understand what might have contributed to the behavior that caused one harm (Witvliet et al., 2001).

Many argue that empathy should be cultivated early on through forgiveness education. When inner turmoil ensues in adulthood, it may be tough to find our way to forgiveness if we’ve never practiced it before.

It is very much like asking someone who has never worked out to run a marathon. Many believe that children and adolescents should begin learning at a young age what forgiveness is and how people go about forgiving.

Teaching forgiveness is especially important to help reduce anger in children who have suffered injustice sufficient enough to compromise their emotional health.

Forgiveness can also help students, now and later as adults, forge stable and meaningful relationships without anger causing discord and division.

Finally, forgiveness can play a big part in how communities thrive when people begin to see more deeply the inherent worth of others.

Cultivating forgiveness is important because there are senseless crimes committed in a fit of anger where one brief moment can alter the course of many lives. People whose lives are affected by these crimes may not have the ability to forgive, thereby contributing to more resentment and anger in the world.

The message of the Dalai Lama in his book Healing Anger sees human ability to inflict harm on oneself and others as part of human nature, where some individuals are more prone to it than others (1997).

He explains that some acts of violence are committed out of ignorance or carelessness. Yet others are prompted by circumstances. All of which are presented as outside of a person’s control when one’s mental, emotional or circumstantial conditions are concerned.

In light of this perspective, he suggests that it becomes pointless to hold it against those who hurt themselves or injure others.

Forgiveness can neutralize anger and resentment. The Dalai Lama suggests that the best way to deal with continually getting angry after being wronged by another person is to see them from a different angle and see that perhaps they still have positive qualities.

He also suggests that the negative events can be a source of opportunities otherwise not possible, a form of re-framing toward the positive (Dalai Lama, 1997).

Generating universal compassion is another way of dealing with anger that aids in cultivating forgiveness and can be accomplished through reflecting on how we are all connected because we all share in the experience of pain and all wish to overcome suffering.

The Dalai Lama reminds us that cultivating “ acceptance of harm and injuries inflicted by others ” is a form of patience and tolerance and can be practiced alongside an appreciation of the complexity of human condition and nature of reality (Dalai Lama, 1997).

Buddhist approach to anger and resentment suggests that cultivating the virtue of forgiveness is closely tied to developing practices of patience and tolerance. These forms of practice encompass cultivation of mindfulness and wisdom, giving or generosity, as well as honesty and sincerity.

The English language has no equivalent in meaning to the word patience as an internal strength. Buddhist tradition, however, recognizes many different aspects of patience ( sopa ) and speaks to how these concepts relate to each other, namely:

• resilience,
• forgiveness,
• tolerance and

Buddhist tradition also distinguishes between different kinds of patience depending on the context: the patience of not retaliating, the patience of accepting hardship, and patience of accepting reality.

The Dalai Lama also encourages us to contemplate our impermanence which allows us to have more appreciation for the time we have. Reflecting on impermanence can give us a sense of perspective and urgency and allow us to see human potential and the value of our existence.

He reminds us that the tendency to rehearse after being hurt is common, but reliving the pain and suffering is optional. If we consider the explanation that resentment is considered “ a commitment to remain angry (or to resume anger periodically) ” holding a grudge seems to be an equivalent of cultivating anger (Dalai Lama, 1997).

The Dalai Lama proposes that instead we either develop a sense of indifference towards the aggressor or further develop compassion for those who are afflicted with such tendencies. He believes that practicing awareness of the nature of suffering can help one develop the ability to connect to other people’s pain.

The practice of loving-kindness and other positive states is one application of this wisdom to a difficult situation.

The Dalai Lama also suggests that with the help of humility and patience one can resist the urge to retaliate and counteract what he refers to as “ deluded states of mind .” Finally, his Holiness suggests that we take it a step further by deliberately familiarizing ourselves with the nature of suffering so we can become more tolerant of it.

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Studies show that being an object of transgression can be a significant cause for developing depression and that practicing forgiveness can alleviate feelings of anger, avoidance and vengeful-ness that lead to negative consequences in one’s emotional and physical health as well as relationships (Brown, 2003; McCullough et al., 1998).

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright

Cultivating forgiveness as a means for neutralizing anger and resentment can be a form of coping strategy, while deliberate replacement of negative feelings with positive emotions can become a form of personal transformation that can lead to emotional healing.

Interventions such as perspective taking, benefit finding, connecting to the greater good, cultivating empathy, and neutralizing hostility can help one in overcoming anger and resentment (Witvliet et al., 2001; Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

Forgiving responses like developing feelings of empathy and granting forgiveness can reduce arousal, negative emotions, and stress responses.

One study found that letting go and adopting a merciful attitude toward the offender contributed to fewer cardiovascular and immune system problems (Witvliet et al., 2001).

Other studies found forgiveness to be positively associated with five measures of health:

• physical symptoms,
• medications used,
• sleep quality,
• fatigue, and
• somatic complaints (McCullough, Sandage, & Worthington, 1997; McCullough & Worthington, 1994; Thoresen, Harris, & Luskin, 2000).

According to the Mayo Clinic, deliberate letting go of negative emotions, particularly those that are strong and have been linked to forgiveness brings with it plenty of health benefits, including improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a lowered risk of depression, and stronger immune and heart health.

Letting go of negative emotions can often have a remarkable impact on the body.

Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of one’s ability to forgive others, in the same way as self-compassion is crucial to one’s predisposition to be compassionate toward other human beings.

Being kind to yourself and forgiving of your own shortcomings can give us much needed perspective on suffering and imperfections of others.

It allows us to connect to others on the level of common humanity and can often be a humbling experience when evaluating what motivates other people’s behavior.

Studies in conflict resolution show that we tend to invent intentions for others when in most situations we know only our half of the story.

Self-forgiveness has been defined as “a willingness to abandon self-resentment in the face of one’s acknowledged objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself ” (Enright, 1996, p. 116).

Wenzel, Woodyatt, and Hedrick (2012) argued that self-forgiveness is best understood as a process by which we sever the negative link between taking responsibility and positive self-regard, which is a process that Holmgren (1998) referred to as genuine self-forgiveness.

The scope of psychological research on self-forgiveness to date has examined it across a range of contexts. Self-forgiveness has been related to:

• drug and alcohol addiction or use (Gueta, 2013; McGaffin, Lyons, & Deane, 2013),
• mothering (Gueta, 2013),
• smoking (Wohl & Thompson, 2011),
• gambling (Squires, Sztainert, Gillen, Caouette, & Wohl, 2012), and
• disordered eating (Peterson et al., 2017).

Although the impact of self-forgiveness in different contexts have varied from study to study, forgiveness has been studied in population groups including:

• cancer patients (Toussaint, Barry, Bornfriend, & Markman, 2014),
• people living with HIV/AIDS (Mudgal & Tiwari, 2015),
• military service members (Bryan, Theriault, & Bryan, 2015),
• hypersexual disorder patients (Hook et al., 2015), and
• complex trauma survivors (Worthington & Langberg, 2012).

According to Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015), self-forgiveness entails releasing negative emotions directed at oneself and involves a meaningful interpretation and successful resolution of negative emotions or attitudes directed at oneself.

Self-forgiveness also entails fostering of positive emotions directed toward oneself; and the definition of self-forgiveness not only included the abandoning of self-directed negative emotion, but also the increase in positive or benevolent emotion like compassion , generosity, and love toward the self (Enright & Fitzgibbons 2015).

We can examine self-forgiveness in its many facets as:

• a response to guilt and shame ,
• a step toward processing transgressions,
• a means of reducing anxiety, and
• an essential component of, or under some circumstances a barrier to, psychotherapeutic intervention.

Self-forgiveness as an applied discipline relates to diverse psychosocial contexts such as:

• addiction and recovery,
• couples and families,
• healthy aging,
• the workplace, and
• the military.

Although productive self-criticism is crucial to personal improvement after moral or another failure, it is important to understand the emotions of shame, humiliation, and guilt frequently associated with it.

These self-conscious emotions relate to either competitive or caring motivational systems and understanding these suggests that self-forgiveness will operate very differently depending on the emotions and motivations to which it relates.

The table below shows distinctions between shame, humiliation, and guilt.

Adapted from P. Gilbert (2010)  Compassion Focused Therapy

Adapted from P. Gilbert (2009) The Compassionate Mind

Self-forgiveness has significant implications for relationships and couple and family therapy, particularly when going through the challenges of a rupture due to an offense.

Self-forgiveness is an integrative process within a person in which the self that committed the wrongdoing is acknowledged, accepted, and provided the opportunity to move forward.

The theoretical concepts of attachment, differentiation of self (DoS), and intersubjectivity must be considered to create an integrative relational process of self-forgiveness where we can anticipate the common barriers to the process.

Loren Toussaint, an associate professor of psychology at Luther College in Iowa, discovered that if people were highly forgiving of both themselves and others, that characteristic alone virtually eliminated the connection between stress and mental illness.

Toussaint reminds us that without forgiveness we don’t have a buffer against stress and often will feel its raw effects. Even something as seemingly insignificant as a short prayer or a brief meditation on forgiveness can help people take the edge off (Toussaint, Kamble, Marschall, & Duggi, 2016).

Worthington and Scherer (2004) found that unforgiveness, when considered as a negative emotional and cognitive construct, causes stress.

Inability to forgive was also linked to anger and hostility, and those negative tendencies have proven to have a negative health effect, especially with regard to cardiovascular conditions.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Marcus Aurelius

Although dwelling on injustice, holding onto grudges and exacting vengeance are tempting options, study after study shows that forgiving those who have harmed us can systematically reduce distress and increase satisfaction with life.

Several studies linked forgiveness to more positive emotions and fewer symptoms of physical illness. One study found that forgiving on one day resulted in participants reporting higher levels of happiness on the next day (Witvliet et al., 2001; Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

Forgiving was also found to be an effective emotion-focused coping strategy that could contribute to overall health and was also linked to more frequent experiences of positive emotions of empathy and compassion.

Positive emotions, in turn, have been linked to well-being as in Barbara Frederickson’s broaden-and-build theory that suggests that increase in positive emotion improves cognitive abilities and relational skills, and had long term health effect measured through longevity studies (2004).

Social neuroscience found credible evidence that empathy, defined as being able to feel the pain of another in contrast to sympathy, compassion or emphatic concern, is in fact physiologically represented as automatic correlations in brain activity between the person suffering and one empathizing.

Singer and Lamm (2009, p. 81) tell us that “ consistent evidence shows that sharing the emotions of others is associated with activation in neural structures that are also active during the first-hand experience of that emotion. Part of the neural activation shared between self- and other-related experiences seems to be rather automatically activated. ”

The empathizer’s response can be amplified or inhibited depending on the context and relationship of those involved, as well as the perspective of the one who empathizes (Singer & Lamm, 2009).

This tendency also has been referred to as “ mirror neurons ” and lands significant support to the Buddhist teachings that claim that love and compassion are grounded in “ experience and in reality ” (Dalai Lama, 1997).

The role of empathy and apology in the process of forgiveness as well as their link to each other were based on the hypotheses that “ the relationship between receiving an apology from and forgiving one’s offender is a function of increased empathy for the offender ” in a study done by McCullough and colleagues (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).

Specifically, they presented a model of forgiveness based on the levels of empathy experienced by the victim toward the transgressor.

Interpersonal forgiveness in close relationships was defined as a motivational transformation where a person was less likely to retaliate and avoid and more inclined towards reconciliation and goodwill. Empathy toward the offending partner was found to be a key condition that facilitated forgiveness (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).

These findings were also consistent and supported by Gottman’s research on the role of shared history and positive attachment in the wellbeing of a close relationship (Lisitsa, 2013).

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

Scholars from contemplative traditions, however, have raised concern for science’s reduction of emotions and mental states to mere neural activities and argued against the methodology that relies heavily on the correlates of neural activities to determine nebulous concepts such as empathy and other mental states.

The Dalai Lama reminds us about the importance of patience and tolerance when cultivating a successful practice of love and compassion and that opportunities to combat anger should be welcomed as enhancement of one’s practice.

He even suggests that one should be grateful towards the one that hurt us, although many may find that to be an advanced example of the benefit finding approach to forgiveness.

The suggestions for cultivating patience and reframing experience into gratitude towards the offender would have to be a form of “extreme” positive psychology. It is hard to imagine a person to be capable of unconditional forgiveness without introducing some form of significant spiritual practice.

Initially developed by Goldstein in 2015, the S.A.F.E. self-compassion exercise aims to ease an agitated mind.

In challenging times, this method helps shift you from automatic reactions, enabling you to accept your emotions as they occur, identify your genuine needs, and appreciate the shared human experience of your difficulties.

The S.A.F.E. acronym stands for:

• Soften : Surrender to the sensation. Inhale deeply and accept the presence of the emotion. What emotion are you experiencing? Where is it most prominent in your body?
• Allow : Accept the emotion without judgment. Inhale and exhale, embracing the feeling without resistance or attachment. Simply allow it to exist.
• Feel : Pay gentle attention to the emotion and explore your needs. Examine the feeling. What does it make you think about yourself? What does it require at this moment?
• Expand : Broaden your consciousness to include others who grapple with this emotion. Realize that you are part of a larger human experience. Everyone faces hardships and makes errors. You are not isolated in this emotional state. Let this realization bring you comfort.

Practicing gratitude has been consistently linked to greater wellbeing in a study done by Emmons and McCullough, where it was measured by mood, coping behaviors, health behaviors, physical symptoms, and overall life satisfaction appraisals (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Positive affect had the most significant results in terms of increase but only when gratitude was practiced with greater frequency. Gratitude was found to improve overall life satisfaction and increased feelings of optimism about the future, at least in the short term.

Gratitude contributed to fewer physical health complaints when gratitude was practiced once per week. When the gratitude practice was intensified to daily exercises, there was an increase in positive affect and pro-social behavior within the two-week study, and better sleep and better close relationships with the three-week intervention.

Emmons and McCullough speculated that emotional and interpersonal benefits may be a result of a conscious focus on blessings. Intense gratitude practice increased pro-social behavior and empathy as the subjects reported the instances of helping others (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Since gratitude has been linked to empathy and empathy was found to have implications for forgiveness, there is potential that fostering gratitude could improve one’s capacity toward forgiveness.

Therapies like Naikan focus on recalling what we have received from others, which as reflective practice is a form of gratitude.

As gratitude can be other-focused, this would imply that it can enhance a sense of greater connectedness to others, which in turn can lead to compassion and empathy, and down the road can create a fertile ground for cultivating forgiveness.

Finally, Richard Moore’s talk on the importance of gratitude in the cultivation of forgiveness is centered on gratefulness being a better approach to life in general. He believed that focus on what one has versus on what is missing can make all the difference, both in appreciation of what is as well as a form of coping mechanism with what has happened.

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The value and benefits of cultivating forgiveness are evident and start with us. Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of one’s ability to forgive others and can be a gateway to living a more fulfilled and loving life.

For more information on the benefits of forgiveness be sure to check our other articles on the topic, such as Forgiveness Exercises .

Thanks for reading and let us know below why forgiveness is important to you. I’d love to hear from you!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Emotional Intelligence Exercises for free .

• Brown, R. P. (2003). Measuring individual differences in the tendency to forgive: Construct validity and links with depression.  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin ,  29 (6), 759-771.
• Bryan, A. O., Theriault, J. L., & Bryan, C. J. (2015). Self-forgiveness, posttraumatic stress, and suicide attempts among military personnel and veterans. Traumatology, 21 (1), 40-46.
• Dalai Lama. (1997). Healing anger: The power of patience from a Buddhist perspective. Snow Lion Publications.
• Emmons, R. A., & Mccullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  84 (2), 377-389.
• Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness.  Counseling and Values ,  40 (2), 107-126.
• Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015).  Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope . American Psychological Association.
• Fredrickson, B. L. (2004). The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society of London. Series B: Biological Sciences ,  359 (1449), 1367-1377.
• Gilbert, P. (2009).  The compassionate mind . Robinson.
• Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion focused therapy: A special section.  International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, 3 (2), 95-96.
• Goldstein, E. (2015). Uncovering happiness: Overcoming depression with mindfulness and self-compassion . Simon and Schuster.
• Gueta, K. (2013). Self-forgiveness in the recovery of Israeli drug-addicted mothers: A qualitative exploration. Journal of Drug Issues, 43(4) , 450-467.
• Holmgren, M. R. (1998). Self-forgiveness and responsible moral agency.  The Journal of Value Inquiry ,  32 (1), 75-91.
• Hook, J. N., Farrell, J. E., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., Griffin, B. J., Grubbs, J., … & Bedics, J. D. (2015). Self-forgiveness and hypersexual behavior.  Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity ,  22 (1), 59-70.
• Lisitsa, E. (2013). An introduction to the Gottman Method of relationship therapy. The Gottman Institute.  Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/
• McCullough, M. E., Rachal, K. C., Sandage, S. J., Worthington Jr, E. L., Brown, S. W., & Hight, T. L. (1998). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships: II. Theoretical elaboration and measurement.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  75 (6), 1586-1603.
• McCullough, M. E., Sandage, S. J., & Worthington Jr, E. L. (1997).  To forgive is human: How to put your past in the past . InterVarsity Press.
• McCullough, M. E., & Worthington Jr, E. L. (1994). Models of interpersonal forgiveness and their applications to counseling: Review and critique.  Counseling and Values ,  39 (1), 2-14.
• McCullough, M. E., Worthington Jr, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  73 (2), 321-336.
• McGaffin, B. J., Lyons, G. C., & Deane, F. P. (2013). Self-forgiveness, shame, and guilt in recovery from drug and alcohol problems.  Substance Abuse ,  34 (4), 396-404.
• Mudgal, S., & Tiwari, G. (2015). Self-forgiveness and life satisfaction in people living with HIV/AIDS. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 3 (1), 101-108.
• Peterson, S. J., Van Tongeren, D. R., Womack, S. D., Hook, J. N., Davis, D. E., & Griffin, B. J. (2017). The benefits of self-forgiveness on mental health: Evidence from correlational and experimental research. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 12(2), 159-168.
• Singer, T., & Lamm, C. (2009). The social neuroscience of empathy.  Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences ,  1156 (1), 81-96.
• Squires, E. C., Sztainert, T., Gillen, N. R., Caouette, J., & Wohl, M. J. (2012). The problem with self-forgiveness: Forgiving the self deters readiness to change among gamblers.  Journal of Gambling Studies ,  28 (3), 337-350.
• Thoresen, C. E., Harris, A. H. S., & Luskin, F. (2000). Forgiveness and health: An unanswered question. In M. E. McCullough, K. I. Pargament, & C. E. Thoresen (Eds.),  Forgiveness: Theory, research, and practice  (pp. 254–280). Guilford Press.
• Toussaint, L., Barry, M., Bornfriend, L., & Markman, M. (2014). Restore: The journey toward self-forgiveness: A randomized trial of patient education on self-forgiveness in cancer patients and caregivers.  Journal of Health Care Chaplaincy ,  20 (2), 54-74.
• Toussaint, L., Kamble, S., Marschall, J. C., & Duggi, D. B. (2016). The effects of brief prayer on the experience of forgiveness: An American and Indian comparison.  International Journal of Psychology ,  51 (4), 288-295.
• Wenzel, M., Woodyatt, L., & Hedrick, K. (2012). No genuine self-forgiveness without accepting responsibility: Value reaffirmation as a key to maintaining positive self-regard. European Journal of Social Psychology ,  42 (5), 617-627.
• Witvliet, C. V. O., Ludwig, T. E., & Laan, K. L. V. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health.  Psychological Science ,  12 (2), 117-123.
• Wohl, M. J., & Thompson, A. (2011). A dark side to self‐forgiveness: Forgiving the self and its association with chronic unhealthy behaviour.  British Journal of Social Psychology ,  50 (2), 354-364.
• Worthington Jr, E. L., & Langberg, D. (2012). Religious considerations and self-forgiveness in treating complex trauma and moral injury in present and former soldiers.  Journal of Psychology and Theology ,  40 (4), 274-288.
• Worthington, E. L., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Theory, review, and hypotheses.  Psychology & Health ,  19 (3), 385-405.

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Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger — sometimes even hatred.

But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships.
• Improved mental health.
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
• Fewer symptoms of depression.
• Lower blood pressure.
• A stronger immune system.
• Improved heart health.
• Improved self-esteem.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present.
• Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
• Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
• Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.

How do I move toward a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might:

• Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life.
• Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive.
• Join a support group or see a counselor.
• Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them.
• Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
• Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. If you find yourself stuck:

• Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view.
• Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
• Reflect on times when others have forgiven you.
• Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
• Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. But that isn't always the case.

Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.

If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses.

You can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

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• Rakel D, ed. Forgiveness. In: Integrative Medicine. 4th ed. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Silva RS, et al. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. JBI Evidence Synthesis. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286.
• Martinez-Diaz P, et al. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Frontiers in Psychology. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689.
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Reflections: Forgiving In Difficult Situations

October 2015.

In July 1963, near the end of his life, C.S. Lewis wrote a letter to a lady in Washington, DC who was in a situation where, as Lewis put, she faced “as difficult a job in the forgiving line as can well be imagined.” As part of his letter, Lewis recounted a very personal story about his own efforts at forgiving someone who had done him great wrong:

Do you know, only a few weeks ago I realised suddenly that I at last had forgiven the cruel schoolmaster who so darkened my childhood. I’d been trying to do it for years: and like you, each time I thought I’d done it, I found, after a week or so it all had to be attempted over again. But this time I feel sure it is the real thing. And (like learning to swim or to ride a bicycle) the moment it does happen it seems so easy and you wonder why on earth you didn’t do it years ago. So the parable of the unjust judge comes true, and what has been vainly asked for years can suddenly be granted. I also get a quite new feeling about ‘If you forgive you will be forgiven.’ I don’t believe it is, as it sounds, a bargain. The forgiving and the being forgiven are really the [very] same thing. But one is safe as long as one keeps on trying. 1

Lewis well understood the importance, indeed the necessity of forgiving others. In his essay “On Forgiveness,” written in 1947, 2  Lewis had stated:

We believe that God forgives us our sins; but also that He will not do so unless we forgive other people their sins against us. There is no doubt about the second part of this statement. It is in the Lord’s Prayer; was emphatically stated by our Lord. If you don’t forgive you will not be forgiven. No part of His teaching is clearer, and there are no exceptions to it. 3

Even when we understand the importance of forgiving others, it can sometimes be very hard, and especially in difficult situations, may require repeated efforts and much prayer. As Lewis recounted in his letter, it literally took him years before he succeeded in forgiving his cruel schoolmaster. Is there anyone you need to forgive, perhaps in a situation where forgiveness is very hard? In such a situation, it may be helpful to remember Lewis’s example and his advice to keep on trying. It may also be helpful to seek prayer and counsel from a godly pastor or elder.

“…for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” PHILIPPIANS 2:13 (ESV)

1 C.S. Lewis,  Collected Letters, vol. III, Narnia, Cambridge and Joy, 1950-1963,  edited by Walter Hooper,    (HarperCollins London, 2006), p. 1438. 2 The essay was not published until 1975. C.S. Lewis,  The Weight of Glory,  Introduction by Walter Hooper (SanFrancisco: HarperCollins, 2001), pp. 20-21. 3 C.S. Lewis,  The Weight of Glory  (SanFrancisco: HarperCollins, 2001), p. 178.

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Pope on Holy Thursday: 'The Lord never tires of forgiving'

By Lisa Zengarini

Continuing his custom of celebrating the Mass of the Lord’s Supper in a prison, Pope Francis visited the female section of the Rebibbia correctional facility in Rome on Holy Thursday afternoon.

He presided over Mass and the ritual of the washing of the feet for dozens of inmates, guards, chaplains and officials gathered in an outdoor area of the prison.

In his brief off-the-cuff homily, the Pope focused on two episodes of Jesus’ Last Supper on the eve of His Passion.

The path of service

During the meal, Jesus humbled Himself to wash the feet of the disciples.

By doing so, Pope Francis explained, “He makes us understand what He meant when He said: ‘I did not come to be served, but to serve’.”

That humble gesture, said the Pope, “teaches us the path of service.”

Jesus always forgives

Pope Francis then spoke about the betrayal of Judas, motivated by greed and selfishness. Judas’ story, the Pope said, shows us that the Lord always forgives our sins, and “He only asks that we ask for forgiveness.”

Indeed, he insisted, "Jesus never tires of forgiving: we are the ones who get tired of asking for forgiveness."

“We all have our small or big failures – everyone has their own story. But the Lord always awaits us, with His arms open, and never tires of forgiving.”

Concluding Pope Francis, therefore, encouraged the faithful to ask the Lord for the grace not to tire of imploring His forgiveness, and to make us grow in the vocation to serve.

Washing of the feet of twelve inmates 

Following the homily, Pope Francis washed the feet of twelve women prisoners of different nationalities.

At the conclusion of the Mass, he met with the inmates and staff of the penitentiary and was greeted with farm products produced in the facility, along with a rainbow-colored rosary made with crochet and pearls, two stoles with the image of two welcoming hands, and a sunflower, made by the inmates working in the necklace and sewing workshops in the prison.

The Pope gave the director and staff of Rebibbia a painting of the Madonna he had received as a gift.

Pope Francis' first visit to Rebibbia prison in 2015

Pope Francis has celebrated Holy Thursday Mass at a prison, care facility, or refugee centre since becoming Pope in 2013, while his recent predecessors customarily washed the feet of priests in St. Peter's Basilica or the Basilica of St. John Lateran in Rome.

This was his second visit to the Rebibbia complex on this occasion. He first went there in 2015, meeting male and female prisoners and washing the feet of 12 inmates and a toddler.

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A soldier’s poem-prayer for Easter

bralka Jelka

As our Lenten journey turns to Easter joy, we offer this profound meditation on the cross as an unfathomable gift of mercy. The prayer is by  Siegfried Sassoon , an author and soldier who became one of the leading “war poets” of World War I. Sassoon converted to Catholicism. 

For grace in me divined,  this metaphor I find: a tree. How can that be? This tree all winter through  found no green work to do— no life therein ran rife. But with an awoken year,  what surge of sap is here— what flood in branch and bud. So grace in me can hide— be darkened and denied— then once again vesture my every vein. Bring no expectance of heaven unearned, no hunger for beatitude to be  until the lesson of my life is learned through what Thou didst for me. Bring no assurance of redeemed rest, no intimation of awarded grace. Only contrition, cleavingly confessed to Thy forgiving face. I ask one world of everlasting loss in all I am, that other world to win. My nothingness must kneel below Thy Cross. There let new life begin. Amen.

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‘Living With My Mother’s Killer’ on Lifetime: How to watch the premiere without cable

• Updated: Mar. 30, 2024, 8:00 a.m. |
• Published: Mar. 30, 2024, 8:00 a.m.

"Living With My Mother’s Killer" will premiere this Saturday on Lifetime. (Photo courtesy of Lifetime)

• Josie Howell | [email protected]

The new Lifetime movie Living With My Mother’s Killer is scheduled to premiere Saturday, March 30 at 8/7c.

In Lifetime’s Living With My Mother’s Killer , still reeling from the tragic murder of her mother years ago, Mara forgives the man who killed her mother and allows him to work on her property only to find that what’s past is not always past and now her own life may be at stake.

Rhiannon Fish and Greyston Holt star in the 2024 Lifetime movie.

Where can I watch Living With My Mother’s Killer ?

Those who do not have a basic cable set up can still access the Lifetime channel with a Philo subscription .

New subscribers can take advantage of Philo’s 7-day free trial and watch Living With My Mother’s Killer this Saturday for free before committing to a paid subscription.

What is Philo?

For those who are unfamiliar with Philo , it is set up like any other streaming service, but instead of offering exclusively on-demand content, it offers a variety of live TV channels. So like cable, but without the hassle.

At just $25 a month, it is considered one of the cheaper live streaming services available with over 70 live TV channels to choose from.

Other than Lifetime , popular channels offered with Philo include the Hallmark Channel, MTV, AMC, HGTV, History Channel, Discovery Channel, CMT, TLC, BET and more.

Philo also offers unlimited DVR along with TV shows and movies users can watch on-demand from channels included in the streaming package.

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Forgiveness — The Importance of Forgiveness (in 100 Words)

The Importance of Forgiveness (in 100 Words)

• Categories: Forgiveness

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Words: 105 |

Published: Mar 17, 2023

Words: 105 | Pages: 0 | 1 min read

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Cosgrove, Lisa, and Mark Konstam. “Forgiveness: A New Paradigm for Healing and Growing.” Behavioral Medicine, vol. 34, no. 3, 2008, pp. 107-115.Mayo Clinic Staff. “Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness.” Mayo Clinic, [...]

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'Queen of Tears' Episode 7 Takeaway: Hong Hae-in signs divorce papers making Baek Hyun-woo's life hell

Contains spoilers for 'Queen of Tears' Episode 7

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA: Forget fluffy rom-coms and follow the emotional rollercoaster of ' Queen of Tears ', a Korean drama that shatters the mold of a marriage.

This series throws out the happily-ever-after wedding life and instead deals with the raw reality of a marriage on the brink.

Just as Baek Hyun-woo (Kim Soo-hyun) and Hong Hae-in's (Kim Ji-won) world seems destined to crumble, a life-altering revelation throws them a lifeline.

In Episode 7, Hae-in signs divorce papers and takes control in her hands of the timing. She torments Hyun-woo at work with her fashion and attitude.

Hong Hae-in signs divorce papers but with a twist in 'Queen of Tears' Episode 7

'Queen of Tears' takes a sharp turn in the latest episode, as Hae-in signs divorce papers with a twist! She sets the rules now, making Hyun-woo stay put until she decides to file the papers in the court.

Devoted (or maybe a little scared?), Hyun-woo agrees, as long as she stays away from Yoon Eun-seong.

Hae-in, back in her revenge mode, starts rocking the office in glamorous outfits, especially a killer red number with gold jewelry. Employees in the office tremble seeing her in fabulous attire.

Over the next few days, she unleashes her wrath through the anger, making Hyun-woo's life a living nightmare at work. The office gets divided, everyone scrambling to avoid both.

Hong Hae-in considers forgiving Baek Hyun-woo in 'Queen of Tears' Episode 7

Cheon Da-hye witnesses a softer side of Hong Soo-cheol, who wants to be a good father. This makes her reconsider her planned move to New York.

Meanwhile, Hae-in's father hires detectives, who discover Hyun-woo isn't seeing anyone else. He just hangs out alone, spending money predictably. He even has a soft spot for stray cats and enjoys 'grandma's home cooking.'

Hae-in, through her own investigation, uncovers Hyun-woo's secret act of kindness: sending flowers to Queen Group employees' funerals in her name.

Touched but not ready to forgive, she declares his efforts fruitless.

'Queen of Tears' is available for streaming on Netflix

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